Third Deathstalker film in three days and third actor portraying the lead character, but at least we have the original scriptwriter back, so Deathstalker III: The Warriors From Hell should be up there with the first Deathstalker, right?
Sadly, wrong. Although a lot better than yesterday's Deathstalker II and thankfully the new lead, John Allen Nelson, can tell the difference between being cocky and being a dick, this is very pedestrian fare totally devoid of the gonzo insanity that made the first the classic that it is.
The DVD case even, amusingly, features stills of Rick Hill (the original Deathstalker) and Bernard Erhard (Munkar the wizard from the original movie), even though neither have anything to do with The Warriors From Hell (more's the pity).
Gifted with part of a magic crystal by a dying princess, Deathstalker learns that when the three parts are reunited they reveal the location of Erendor, a "lost city made of treasure" (no, I'm not exactly sure what is meant by that - and when we finally see the city at the end it just looks like an everyday, cod-Medieval town).
Complicating matters, the evil sorcerer Troxartes (Thom Christopher) has taken over the princesses' kingdom, The Southland, and is ruling it with his platonic mistress, Camisarde (Terri Treas). She wants to take their relationship to the next level, but the cool wizard has his eyes set on the dead princesses' twin sister, Carissa (Carla Herd), who he believes has part of the magic crystal that will pair up with his own fragment.
On his quest, Deathstalker is kinda helped by a beardy - but ultimately rather useless - wizard called Nicias (Aarón Hernán), who bears a disturbing likeness to Alan Moore and whose main magical ability appears to be a vanishing trick that involves him spinning round and round in his large fur coat.
Meanwhile, Troxartes has been using his own magic to resurrect warriors he claims he killed and then, for some reason, had buried in the castle crypt. Before you can cough "bullshit", Deathstalker is chatting with one of these faux-zombies about how he actually killed the warrior the first time.
Whiny Carissa swaps sides more often than Adric in Doctor Who and only, finally, decides that Deathstalker is on the side of right when she overhears Troxartes discussing her murder with Camisarde - who, it has to be added, appears to have a total, unexplained, change of heart by the time the credits roll and is last seen snuggling up to Nicias.
Deathstalker also finds time to hook up with valley-living, potato-eating, horse-raising, wild woman Marinda (Claudia Inchaurregui) who brings her bow skills to the party and ultimately has a "meaningful" death, which everyone soon forgets about.
The story gets a bit messy along the way, when a third fragment of the crystal appears out of the blue.
In the end everything boils down to a big brawl at Troxartes' castle with Deathstalker being backed-up by the zombie-warriors (after he frees their souls from bondage) and a bunch of villagers who, I thought, had nothing to do with anything, against the wizard's bucket-helmeted soldiers.
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