Gor (1987)

Generally I'm not one to complain if a movie based on a novel doesn't stick one hundred per cent to its source material, but this 1987 adaptation of John Norman's Tarnsman of Gor is simply taking the piss.

Branded as John Norman's Gor, the opening credits proudly proclaim that this film is based on Tarnsman of Gor - but the first thing you notice is the marked absence of any actual tarns: the roc-like warbirds the warriors of Gor ride into battle.

Instead they have horses.

This is pretty much on a par with Peter Jackson replacing the eagles with Irish Wolfhounds in The Hobbit or Lord of The Rings trilogies.

But this isn't the only peculiar choice scriptwriters Rick Marx and Harry Alan Tower and director Fritz Kiersch make in this un-faithful of adaptation of Norman's 1966 pulpy sword-and-planet story.

It almost feels as if they scanned through the book, picked out key names and phrases and then scattered them at random throughout the script.

We first meet our protagonist, wimpy physics professor Tarl Cabot (Urbano Barberini) lecturing bored students about the magical ring he inherited from his father and its connection to an alien world known as Counter-Earth or Gor (which is odd because when he actually arrives on this alien world and is told the planet's name he doesn't register that this is the place he was talking about 10 minutes earlier).

Having lost his girl to a campus bully (an early appearance from The Mummy's Arnold Vosloo), Cabot is involved in a car accident and wakes up to find himself on Counter-Earth.

However, it's not the alien world readers of the Gor books would be familiar with - the towering spires of the Gorean cities have been replaced by mud huts and caves, while the verdant nature of Gor is replaced with never-ending deserts (more Barsoom than Gor).

Clumsy Tarl accidentally stumbles into the role of hero when the village of Ko-Ro-Ba is raided by the soldiers of Priest-King Sarm (Oliver Reed) - in the books the Priest-Kings are large insectoid creatures, but not here - who are stealing the village's mystical Home Stone (a big point in the book is how bland and ordinary the Home Stones are) and kidnapping the village's ruler, Marlenus (Larry Taylor).

In the book, Marlenus is, in fact, the villain of the piece and it is his megalomaniacal schemes to take over Gor that Tarl is opposed to. Here, he's just some old duffer that Tarl has to rescue - aided by Marlenus' daughter Talena (Rebecca Ferratti) and other random one-dimensional characters - including an annoying midget called Hup (Nigel Chipps). No, I don't know why, either!

With a two-minute training montage, idiot Tarl is transformed into hero Tarl and the plot devolves rapidly into a run-of-the-mill "lifting the yoke of slavery" storyline - which, again, anyone familiar with Norman's Gor series will appreciate the irony of.

Given the general level of sauciness in the novels, it's bizarre that when Tarl is taken to Sarm's decadent palace of delights, it's more Flash Gordon than Flesh Gordon.

This is possibly the only '80s babes-and-barbarians movie where the women keep all their clothes on!

Then just as you think everything is coming to an end, and you're wondering where Jack Palance - mentioned high in the opening credits - has got to, Jack Palance appears, as another Priest-King, and introduces a whole other storyline which goes nowhere and doesn't appear to amount to anything.

Who could have realised they were actually, rather clumsily, setting up a sequel - Outlaw Of Gor - that was filmed alongside Gor?

While Palance is barely in this movie, mention must be made of the other big name though: Oliver Reed. Clearly the worse for wear from drink in many of his scenes, I hope Oli's towering genius was well-rewarded with alcohol for allowing his name - and talent - to be attached to such a trashy flick as this.

Gor is one of those incredible pieces of cinema that is so changed from its source material you have to wonder why the film-makers didn't go the whole hog and simply make it its own thing. It's not as the Gor books have ever had the same cultural cachet of, say, Lord Of The Rings.

There are only really a couple of minor details that they actually get right, subtle little background details (such as the Gorean drink 'paga'), that it would have far simpler to have changed the character and place names (most of which are already used incorrectly anyway) to something else and dropped the Gor connection entirely.

On the plus side, Gor is full of unintentionally funny moments, crappy fight sequences, no-budget special effects, a plot that meanders all over the place, and a drunk Oliver Reed. And Oliver Reed - drunk or sober - can make anything watchable.

I AM THE WARLORD OF MARS!!!

Great White Ape of Barsoom (picture by Nick)

This weekend found Nick and I back at our local wargames' show, Cavalier, at the Angel Centre in Tonbridge.

It was my first time in a couple of years and while I wasn't feeling one hundred percent, I was determined that my excitement would see me through. And, thanks to Nick stepping in as my ad hoc 'carer' (in the absence of Rachel, who was at home with Alice), I managed an impressive (for me) three hours at the show.

The highlight of the day came early, when Nick and I had barely seen a quarter of the displays and traders, as a gentleman from the Maidstone Wargames Society invited us to join in their Labyrinths of Mars participation game.

This was one I'd mentally flagged ahead of time, looking at the list of games on the show's website, because - as I suspected - it was John Carter themed.

The game was a reskinning of the classic family board game Labyrinth, which I'd played with Nick and his son, Alec, several years ago. However, this iteration included fighting and treasure hunting, and was scaled up to feature 28mm miniatures.

My dynamic duo of Barsoomian warriors before battle commenced

The ever-moving Labyrinth of Mars

Nick's team (top) make a strategic withdrawal from my gang (bottom)

As with the boardgame, you always start your turn by sliding a spare tile into the layout - pushing all the other tiles in that row on one space, thus constantly reconfiguring the Martian (Barsoomian) maze, and making planning ahead quite challenging.

There were four of playing and we each had four objectives to find before we could escape the labyrinth, be they treasures, allies, or boosts, and you could earn special cards as well that gave you extra abilities or bonuses.

I'd got three of my objectives (a couple of artifacts and a Barsoomian prince), without making too much of a scene about it, but the last thing I needed for my 'collection' was The Great White Ape (pictured above).

The only problem was The Ape had just joined Nick's team, as Nick had played a "brain transfer" card on it, giving it a Barsoomian brain... rather than a raging great ape's brain!

So, I had to attack Nick's party! Aided by the prince, we overpowered Nick's characters (and with some lucky die rolls) and the ape opted to join my "stronger" team.

Then on my next turn (again more by luck than judgement), I was able to slide the walls of the maze to open a straight avenue to the exit... where I was declared not just the winner, but WARLORD OF MARS.

I suspect Nick is never going to forget how I robbed him of potential victory!

After this, we resumed our patrol of the main hall, and the first person we bumped into - who was demonstrating his grid-based Vietnam War game - was Paul of Pazoot, a wargaming YouTube channel I have recently discovered (thanks to his work with Big Lee of Miniature Adventures).

This was my first - in-person - encounter with an actual YouTuber.

Paul's 'Nam game, which he was putting on with the East Kent Wargames Society, will be the second of his Battle Chronicle range of narrow-focused rules sets across different historical periods. The first is 1812: Retreat from Moscow, which Big Lee is working on.

Here follows a brief selection of some of the other games being played at Cavalier:

Shepway Gamers' The Englishman's Castle: a 28mm Wars of the Roses conflict

The Kent & Sussex Dungeons & Dragons and RPG Club had a glorious set-up...

... their gorgeous 28mm scale ship reminded me that no one was selling Blood & Plunder

Milton Hundred Wargames Club's The Mog '93: Task Force Ranger in Somalia

You can never go wrong with an enormous Star Wars space battle (Friday Night Firefight Club)

Of course, as well as gaming, these events are also for shopping. Both Nick and I, in our own way, were surprisingly restrained this year. While Nick didn't buy anything, I managed to restrict myself to items for my Dead Man's Hand (Wild West) game.

I found myself mainly being drawn towards terrain, as I have enough unpainted gunfighters etc already, waiting to sent off for painting.

Me admiring Beowulf Miniatures Printing 3D printing range of Western buildings
(picture by Nick)

Amazing fantasy terrain at surprisingly affordable prices - I'm impressed I resisted

Pumpernickle Games do some lovely stuff - I hope to get some desert bits from
them at a later date, but, in the meantime, who doesn't want their own Stonehenge?

At the end of the day, I only purchased a Western bank, from Beowulf, with interior fixtures and fittings; a pair of metal cacti and a pair of resin outhouses from Debris of War; and a log cabin.

My haul from Cavalier 2026

It was a great time and I'm glad I persevered. I'd wanted to play at least one participation game, but wasn't sure if I was up to it. So I'm delighted it happened to me one I was looking forward to checking out.

I did have one "funny turn" - after squatting down to look at some items that were being displayed on the floor, then bobbing up again. But Nick kindly offered me his arm and helped me to a chair, where I could rest a while.

Once I got home (Rachel came and picked me up), I was totally zonked out for the rest of the day, then had a rough night of near-continuous coughing. But, you know what, it was so worth it.

I had a fantastic time with one of my oldest friends, we got to play an awesome wargame... which I won, we chatted with a ton of people, and I got myself some more bits for my PROJECT 60 wargame of choice.

And I've already have made a shopping list of future bits and bobs I can order from these traders online.

Below, you will see a 17-minute video by Model Paint Whatever of the sights and sounds of the day, which shows off way more of the games on display than I have:

And here's a piece from Big Lee himself about Cavalier:

The Unsettling Nature of Quatermass

I have three movies I call my "comfort films" that I will try and watch whenever I see them listed on the TV schedules or can turn to (via blu-rays, dvd, or streaming) whenever I'm feeling a bit down and need an escape hatch.

These are Raiders of The Lost Ark, George Pal's The Time Machine, and Quatermass and The Pit.

To me, these are perfect, review-proof works of genius that I can never tire of watching, all with deeper meanings and impacts on my life than what is shown on screen.

Today, we're thinking about the "adventures" of Professor Bernard Quatermass.

My first exposure to the world of Quatermass was the apocalyptic 1979 sci-fi thriller series known simply as Quatermass.

This bleak, four-part miniseries had a major impact on its 13-year-old viewer when first screened; implanting in me a fascination not just for adventure stories set amongst urban decay but the heroic futility of standing up to alien creatures of unimaginable power and destructive capabilities.

I am sure there is some synchronicity between my first viewing of this televisual tale and my discovery - not long afterwards - and immediate love for, the works of HP Lovecraft.

From Cthulhu to Galactus, all these cosmic entities can trace their influence on me back to watching Quatermass on ITV in the late 70s.

So inspired by this series was I that I also clearly remember creating (but never playing) a Quatermass role-playing game system and, once we started playing the comic book RPG Villains & Vigilantes, I named an alien race after the "enemy" in Quatermass - The Harvesters... although they were nowhere near as powerful as that entity!

Set at the end of the 20th Century (the future when this was made), Quatermass sees the return to London of Bernard Quatermass (Sir John Mills), founder of the British Rocket Group which pioneered space travel in the UK (see The Quatermass Experiment of 1953 and its cinematic remake).

He's been living in seclusion in Scotland and is unaware of the anarchy spreading through England, with gangs roaming the streets, power cuts and the general collapse of society. He is looking for his runaway granddaughter and instead meets up with a fellow scientist (Simon MacCorkindale).

Also roaming the land are a group known as The Planet People - hippies who gather at stone circles, prophesying a mass transmigration of those who "believe" to a Utopian alien planet.

Then the beams of light start coming from the sky, hitting the places where people have gathered and seemingly disintegrating them; although the Planet People believe they have been "taken to The Planet".

Seen now Quatermass can seem slightly melodramatic in places, but it can still deliver an incredible impact with its portrayal of a very British Apocalypse, complete with polite graffiti, a plate of sandwiches and a thermos of tea.

It faces themes of science versus belief, youthful enthusiasm versus the experience of age and the human spirit's unwavering strength in the face of overwhelming odds.

If HP Lovecraft were alive in the 1970s, this is exactly what he would have been writing - man as an insignificant speck in the Universe, caught up in events way beyond his understanding and ability to comprehend.

Don't expect answers, explanations or convenient happy endings - there is no Deus Ex Machina in the world of Bernard Quatermass... it is that God In The Machine that is "harvesting" the human race!

Originally created by writer Nigel Kneale (who also penned The Stone Tape) in the paranoia-fuelled 1950s, Quatermass - an intellectual professor defending the Earth from extraterrestrial threats through the use of brains rather than brawn - is an obvious precursor of The Doctor (who shares many of the same traits and convictions, despite being an alien himself).

Kneale wrote three original Quatermass serials for television: The Quatermass Experiment (an astronaut returning to Earth unknowingly carrying an alien creature which is continually mutating); Quartermass II (aliens take over a research plant on the South Coast); and Quatermass And The Pit (workmen in London unearth an old, crashed spaceship and release 'psychic ghosts').

I discovered all three of these stories through Arrow's script books, published in the late '70s, almost certainly released to cash in on Quatermass.

Later would come the radio series The Quatermass Memoirs, first broadcast as part of a season about 'The Fifties' on Radio 3 in 1996, and while some of the old news clips are a bit scratchy, the whole drama-documentary is an informative, inspirational and terrifying reflection of a time when the world was gripped by fear of nuclear holocaust.

It is a five-part documentary about the origins of the character, intercut with genuine 1950s news broadcasts, exerpts from the original serials, recollections and anecdotes from Nigel Kneale and an original mini-play by Kneale, set in the 1970s, wherein Bernard Quatermass, having retired to the wilds of Scotland (as mentioned at the start of Quatermass), discusses his life with a young journalist.

Long before Space:1999, UFO, Thunderbirds and even Doctor Who, there was ... Quatermass.

Throughout most of the 1950s, Quatermass was a British science fiction institution which appeared both on TV and in the cinema. Yet perhaps more importantly, it was the first adult based, dramatic science fiction television show in the world.

Now, over 70 years later, Quatermass not only lives on through its devoted fan base, but is a name which continues to resonate with science fiction fans both young and old.

In this special retrospective study, we look back upon the history of this highly celebrated franchise, whilst not only addressing the positive aspects the series brought to the science fiction genre but also the many challenges it faced in doing so.

Space Movies (and A TV Show) Based on Real Science

Most space movies look amazing — but not all of them get the science right.

In this video, we’re looking at nine movies (and one very special series) that actually do — or at least try their best.

PULP PICTURE OF THE MONTH: John Carter (2012)

Andrew Stanton's take on John Carter isn't a pure adaptation of A Princess of Mars - Edgar Rice Burrough's literary launchpad for his Barsoom cycle - but a distillation of elements from the first couple of books, with some elements added or expanded and others abridged.

Nineteenth Century Southern gentleman and cavalry captain-turned-treasure hunter John Carter (Taylor Kitsch) finds himself transported to ancient Mars (or Barsoom as the natives call it) and drawn into an alien war beyond his comprehension.

A mysterious race of shape-changing beings called Therns - and represented by the coolly evil Mark Strong - are manipulating the humanoid Red Martians of the cities of Zodanga and Helium into an apocalyptic conflict.

In the meantime, Carter is captured by the Tharks, a tribe of giant, four-armed Green Martians, who have their own conflicts with the Wahoons (another tribe of Green Martians) to worry about.

While with the Tharks, Carter meets the gorgeous Helium Princess - and scientist - Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins), whose marriage to the leader of Zodanga, Sab Than (Dominic West) could spell an end to the conflict... if it wasn't a duplicitous trick to leave Helium vulnerable to invasion.

Carter, naturally, falls in love with Dejah (and vice versa), and while striving to find a way home he also aids in turning the tide of the war... by getting the Tharks involved.

The sundry machinations of various parties make for a quite complex plot, against which the love story of Carter and Dejah plays out, and if the film has a fault it's that the motivations and objectives of the Therns aren't explicitly spelled out.

However, that's a small price to pay when we are presented with some of the most exquisite world-building I've seen on screen.

Barsoom, its creatures, its landscape and language come alive at the hands of master storyteller Andrew Stanton. He manages to simultaneously re-invent Edgar Rice Burrough's 100-year-old classic for the 21st Century and lovingly pay it tribute.

Remember - if you're old enough - that feeling you felt the first time you saw Star Wars at the cinema (the original, not the prequels)? Well, brace yourself for a return performance.

This is a sweeping, epic, summer blockbuster that you actually have to pay attention to, not a popcorn slugfest like the highly enjoyable MCU but an intelligent and layered piece of pulp sci-fi.

I always had high hopes for John Carter, but the reality far exceeded my expectations. It is a truly impressive feat of film-making that deserves a far larger audience - and far more acclaim - than it got upon its release at the cinema.

Everything about it - from the nuanced performances and special effects to the breath-taking realisation of Barsoom - is pitch perfect. No-one involved with this masterful movie should be ashamed to say they had a part in bringing the iconic science-fiction character of John Carter to life.

Ignore a lot of the nonsense that has been written about this movie - and the negative reviews - and be prepared to visit another planet for the adventure of a lifetime.

I sincerely hope that - eventually - Disney gets round to making a well-deserved sequel to John Carter, but perhaps learns from its mistakes and markets it a bit more aggressively (like they did with its MCU movies) next time round.

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes (2011)

It is inevitable that one day mankind will be superseded by ape-kind and I will be at the front of the crowd, waving my flag and cheering on our new simian overlords.

With that bias in mind, my predisposition was to expect greatness from Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes (hoping it would wipe, forever, from our collective consciousnesses Tim Burton's ill-conceived abomination of 2001).

What I wasn't expecting was just how damn awesome it was!

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes is, without a doubt, the most perfect piece of filmmaking of 2011, from Rupert Wyatt's direction and Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver's script to the motion-capture apes and the humans they interact with.

The plot pacing was superb, the foreshadowing excellent, and the beautiful little Easter eggs for fans of the original ape films (from Caesar's model of the Statue of Liberty and the name "Bright Eyes" through to line-lifts such as "it's a madhouse", "get your hands off me..." and a certain other key line delivered by a key character) simply showed how much care and attention had gone into this movie, and its respect for its cinematic predecessors.

James Franco plays research scientist Will Rodman, working on a cure for Alzheimer's, but a catastrophic accident during final testing makes his boss order him to have all their test subjects - chimpanzees - put down.

Will takes pity on a baby chimp and takes him home to be a companion to his father Charles Rodman (John Lithgow), a former music teacher and scholar now in the grip of Alzheimer's.

The chimp, who they name Caesar, soon becomes a central part of the family unit, especially when Will tests his gene-therapy on his father and it works.

Unfortunately, years later, the therapy starts to wear off for Charles and he finds himself in an altercation with his obnoxious neighbour, a pilot called Hunsiker (Stargate's David Hewlett).

Caesar jumps in to save his friend and ends up being taken in by the authorities and handed over to an animal control centre run by John Landon (Brian Cox) and his obnoxious son Dodge (Tom Felton).

It is here, eventually, that Caesar hatches his plan to liberate his fellow apes and take revenge on mankind.

That brief summation of the early scenes of the movie doesn't even begin to do it justice.

As well-rounded as the human characters are, the film truly belongs to Caesar - the CGI ape created by motion-capture technology and based upon the performance of the incredible Andy Serkis (already renowned for brining life to such diverse characters as Gollum and King Kong).

Given that the bulk of his feelings and emotions are expressed through sign language, gestures or facial expressions, Serkis has made Caesar an incredibly complex and well-rounded character.

If he doesn't get some mighty gong for his performance here then there truly is no justice in the world.

You also have to feel slightly sorry for Tom Felton, having played the 'bad boy' of Hogwarts, Draco Malfoy, for all these years, his first post-Harry Potter role is just as objectionable. But he suitably slimy as Dodge and gets his just desserts at the hands of the apes he loves tormenting.

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes is a classic 'science-experiment-gone-wrong' movie and naturally ends with a breath-taking action sequence that makes great use of the streets of San Francisco and the Golden Gate Bridge.

However, that's not the end of things because as the closing credits hint, and picking up on clues sown throughout the movie (man's first manned mission to Mars, spacecraft disappearing etc), the groundwork was been laid seamlessly for the inevitable sequel.

And it couldn't come soon enough...

And Now For Something (Almost) Completely Different

My bargain haul

Like a great many geeks of a certain age, I love - and am continually inspired by - Edgar Rice Burroughs' John Carter of Mars series of pulp novels.

Way, way back in 2018 Modiphius Entertainment was Kickstarting a John Carter roleplaying game (one of their 'everything at once' splurge releases of multiple books, miniatures, dice, tile sets etc) and, for a minute, I was 'all-in'.

But then, it struck me that (a) I'm not really a fan of their 2d20 house system, (b) releasing everything at once means a LOT of reading (and their books tend towards the tiny text-heavy), and (c) none of my gaming group had ever expressed any interest in Barsoom or John Carter, which would mean having to 'teach' them all about the Martian cultures, language etc on top of a new set of rules.

So, I cancelled my Kickstarter pledge and consigned the game to the dusty halls of my "what could have been" dream storage unit.

As far as I could tell, after the initial gush of books (that were part of the Kickstarter), Modiphius didn't do anything else with the setting and let it fade, with the system only popping up in the occasional sale listing.

Books from Modiphius tend to be beautifully produced, often hardbacks, and sport a heft price tag. 

I've got their Conan The Barbarian core rules book and the more recent Dune one, but mainly to look nice on my shelves. Both of these were acquired via eBay for a fraction of their 'recommended retail price'. 

Conan - like John Carter - is another property that Modiphius no longer supports (although old John Carter books remain available at full retail cost). 

The license for Conan has reverted to Heroic Signatures, who are publishing a fresh roleplaying game through Monolith, which is due out later this year.

Conan RPG from Modiphius

The last, active, mention of John Carter in connection to roleplaying I remember seeing was a 5th Edition Dungeons & Dragons supplement as part of a Kickstarter for an audiobook series.

And with that, John Carter - as a roleplaying game - slipped out of my mind.

Until, the other day, when an advert popped up somewhere for a Modiphius "moving warehouse" sale. And I thought: why not take a look?

And I was gobsmacked: the few John Carter items they had listed were going for pennies.

I didn't really need a new game, but how could I resist the core, hardback, rules for £4; tile sets (airships and ruins) for £1.50 each (which have potential utility in a variety of settings); and a player's guide and character cards/tokens set also for £1.50 each?

With postage, I got this lot (see picture at top of article) for under £20, saving almost a hundred quid on their original list price. 

Will I do anything with these rules? Who knows? Or will they just sit prettily on my shelves next to Conan and Dune?

At least, now, seven years later, I actually have the John Carter core books in hand, and I'm sure there are other companies out there manufacturing John Carter-inspired miniatures to sword fight across the deck of my airships!

Of course, I could let this slide on a technicality by reminding you that John Carter himself - before he was transported to Barsoom/Mars - was an American Civil War veteran, a Confederate captain from Virginia, which kinda makes him part of my on-going Western theme.