Well, This Seems To Have EVERYTHING!

Stranded after a concert scam, an all-girl heavy metal band and their vampire manager, stumble into a town ruled by a warlock and crawling with cannibals, vampires, sirens, and a monstrous werewolf.

When they encounter a pregnant woman in danger, a search for help turns into a night of supernatural chaos, ranging from Minotaur-run betting rings to brutal creature confrontations.

The band must unleash hidden powers to stay alive, blending heavy metal, dark humour, and creatures into a blood-soaked, chaotic survival ride.

Devour will be available, on demand, from October 13.

Brides Of Dracula (1960)

Dracula is dead, but his cult lives on in late 19th Century Transylvania.

Young Marianne (Yvonne Monlaur) is heading to the Lady's Academy at Bachstadt, where she is to be a student-teacher, but she gets diverted to the home of Baroness Meinster (Martita Hunt), little realising that the kindly old eccentric wants to feed her to her imprisoned vampiric son, the Baron (David Peel).

The naïve Marianne frees the Baron from his bondage, then flees the castle only to be found unconscious in the woods by Dr Van Helsing (Peter Cushing) who has been called to the village by the local priest.

Marianne eventually makes it to the girls school, but then the Baron shows up and proposes marriage - before turning turning one of her co-workers into a vampire.

Brides Of Dracula is fun but forgettable. Cushing is, naturally, the star but Freda Jackson as the Baron's insane nanny - in a Renfield role - is the most striking character, while Peel's Baron has an effete streak about him that makes Edward Cullen look positively macho.

A jolly romp from the Hammer production line, this 85-minute piece of frippery adds nothing to the vampire mythos, ends with the inevitable giant conflagration (as seems de rigeur in Hammer horrors) and includes possibly the most ridiculous use of an object to form a vampire-destroying crucifix: the shadow of the sails of a windmill... the very windmill the vampire was using at its nest!

Captain Kronos - Vampire Hunter (1974)

How have I gone this long without seeing this wonderful little film? Especially as Rachel bought me the Blu-Ray for Christmas several years ago and it's just sat on my shelf waiting for the right moment.

Clearly an influence on a variety of other monster-hunting shows from Buffy The Vampire Slayer to The Witcher, and the Ravenloft setting in Dungeons & Dragons, the mythology presented in Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter suggests a wider world and the adventure we witness in this film is obviously just a single episode in his storied life.

Liberating stunning gypsy girl Carla (Caroline Munro) on the way - locked in the stocks for "dancing on a Sunday" - former Imperial Guard captain-turned-professional vampire hunter Kronos (Horst Janson) and his hunchbacked companion, Professor Hieronymous Grost (John Cater), respond to a summons to investigate a suspected vampire attack.

We learn that there are many varieties of vampire, beyond the accepted stereotype, and the one operating here appears to drain life rather than blood.

However, Kronos and Grost need to investigate further, to uncover its weaknesses.

At a later point this involves a darkly humorous sequence when one of their allies falls foul of the vampire and they struggle to find the right method of execution.

The film doesn't really make too much of an effort to conceal the mystery of who the vampire is, but still manages to slip in a few surprises in the wake of the "big reveal" in the final act.

Wearing its '70s pedigree on its sleeve, Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter takes place in one of those peculiarly Hammer, vaguely Central European, pseudo-nineteenth century settings where 90 per cent of the women look like glamour models.

The dashing swordsman and his posse

And Munro's Carla is there mainly to take the role of dogsbody, vampire bait, and the Captain's booty call.

But casual sexism aside, this is a well-paced, swashbuckling-horror from writer-director Brian Clemens (the main scriptwriter of hit '60s spy-fi show, The Avengers, and screenwriter of Dr. Jekyll and Sister Hyde and The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, amongst many other achievements on his CV), that really would have worked as a serial.

Janson plays the deadpan Kronos straight, showing that the war hero is clearly damaged, not just from losing his family to vampires, and that's what makes the katana-wielding, Chinese herb-smoking swordsman all the more intriguing.

Then on top of the layered central character (we learn very little about Grost except that he's an expert on vampire lore and he's insecure about his appearance) we are treated to a number of his peculiar, folktale-inspired, tricks to unearthing the undead.

I was particularly fond of the dead toad gimmick (this is something I need to work into an RPG).

"If a vampire should bestrode / Close to the grave of a dead toad / Then the vampire life shall give / And suddenly, the toad shall live."

There's a minimalist look about the movie as well (no doubt down, in part, to the budget), where scenes - regardless of the size of the set - feature very few characters, which reminded me of my beloved Hawk The Slayer.

Light-weight and well-lit, compared to many of the more Gothic Hammer vampire flicks (as these vampires don't sizzle in sunlight), Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter is a unique film in the Hammer vaults - which is a shame, because there's obviously many more adventures to be had with these characters.

Cult Classics From The '80s That Failed At The Box Office

Some of these '80s horror movies were rejected by critics. Some lost money. Some were barely released at all. And some were so strange that the studios clearly had no idea how to sell them. But years later, they found the audience they were probably waiting for.

Another inspirational movie list from the Luminism channel.

It Looks Like Robert Eggers Has Done It Again

Do not dread the darkness. Embrace it. Robert Eggers' Werwulf is only in theaters this Christmas.

Witness Robert Eggers’ most visceral and haunting experience yet. Focus Features presents Werfulf, a harrowing tale of devotion, damnation and the devil within.

From vampires (with Nosferatu) to werewolves, Robert Eggers, who was also responsible for the Lovecraftian madness of The Lighthouse, the disturbing VVitch, and the sword-and-sorcery Viking epic, The Northman - continues to make movies that are right in my wheelhouse.

In medieval Britain, a mysterious creature stalks the foggy countryside, transforming local folklore into terrifying reality as villagers face an ancient supernatural threat.

The Originals Were Great, The Remakes Even Better!

For this video, I had to leave out some very solid options, including 2013's Evil Dead, 2006's The Hills Have Eyes, and 2004's Dawn of the Dead. But five means five, so today I’m saving the remakes that, for me, really proved why the story was worth telling again.

In this video from Luminism, five remakes of old horror movies are chosen as the superior versions!

Horror Movies and The Mandela Effect

Cursed Castle on the Mountain: The Black Queen of Zagreb

This week, folklore YouTuber The Jolly Reiver heads:

... to Medvedgrad Castle north of the Croatian capital of Zagreb to look at the story of the Black Queen that was said to have terrorised locals until her fatal confrontation with the devil.

Horror Awaits You In The Pages of New Ravenloft Comic

Ravenloft rises from the grave once more to terrify comic book readers this August with a new eponymously titled four-part miniseries from Dark Horse.

Ravenloft is falling apart, and nobody knows why. Fortunately, monster hunter Ez D’Avenir is on the case! She’s searching the frozen wasteland of Lamordia for an undead creature that may hold the key to Ravenloft’s fate. But when Darklord Viktra Mordenheim catches wind of her quest, Ez is suddenly the one being hunted!

Dungeons & Dragons: Ravenloft, a new four-issue genre-bending comic series will unite Rudolph van Richten’s protégés from across the horrifying domains of Ravenloft.

The miniseries is written by Bram Stoker Award–winning author Amy Chu (Carmilla: The First Vampire, Red Sonja), with line art by Ariela Kristantina (The Girl Who Draws on Whales, Adora and the Distance), colours by Arif Prianto (Poison Ivy, Green Lantern Corps), and letters by Haley Rose-Lyon (BUMP: A Horror Anthology, Jill and the Killers).

Issue #1 will feature cover art by Guillem March, Riley Rossmo, Francesco Francavilla, Todor Hristov, and Angela Wu.

The series is also being touted as the perfect companion piece to the forthcoming Ravenloft: The Horrors Within, the new TTRPG supplement book for Dungeons & Dragons 5.5 that is due out in June.

THROWBACK THURSDAY: My Life and Humanoid Ducks In Roleplaying Games

Part of the reason for my passionate support for Darcy Perry's wonderful DuckQuest roleplaying game - and why I backed several of his anthropomorphic duck-related miniatures Kickstarters - stretches right back to my earliest days of gaming.

In the late '70s and early '80s the bulk of my long-form (rather than random one-shot) gaming was with Gublin, a friend who lived five doors down the road from me.

Although created for a specific Dungeons & Dragons adventure at our local gaming club, my enduring character from those days was a female half-elf fighter/cleric/magic-user called Staghind, who enjoyed a storied adventuring career, before becoming a queen of her own nation and retiring.

At some stage in her life she adopted an anthropomorphic duck called Quincy as one of her many children and he taught her Quack Fu. Or she was taught Quack-Fu by a master and then she adopted Quincy. My memory from those days is like Swiss Cheese!

My ideas about humanoid ducks were entirely shaped by reading Steve Gerber's bonkers Howard The Duck comics, rather than RuneQuest (which officially introduced ducks into the roleplaying consciousness).

This is also why I have a copy of this issue framed and hanging on the wall in our lounge with other key comics from my years of collecting and reading. 

Not just because of the incredible impact it had on me as a nascent comic book reader, exposing me to the gonzo possibilities of the medium, but also for the influence it had on me as a fledgling gamer.

Whilst my anthropomorphic duck gaming ended rather abruptly with Staghind's retirement, the concept endured with the help of one of my mum's delightfully random fandoms.

Once I was of working age (and writing nonsense for the local paper), my mum somehow became a massive fan of the late '80s kids cartoon Count Duckula, so I used my salary to ensure she had an extensive collection of VHS tapes and annuals (as that was the only merch available at the time).

These days duck characters can be found roleplayng games such as Dragonbane (from Free League Publishing), where they are called "mallards", and Twilight Sword (yes, this was a deciding factor in me backing this game).

In the latter game the duck kin are also known as "mallards" and were available, in print form (as a set of cards), as an early bird sweetener to entice backers to get the ball rolling on the crowdfunding campaign.

I hesitated and missed out on this bonus "kin", but understand it will still be available to all backers as a PDF. I can't NOT have ducks as a playable race in my version of Twilight Sword!

Why Aren't These Movies Cult Classics?

WhatCulture Horror presents a selection of classy genre movies, which are all too often mistakenly overlooked. These 10 films should be classed as cult classics, the 13-minute featurette argues, but aren't.

It's an interesting selection, although I firmly believe that the number one film, Near Dark, is a cult classic. I certainly regard it as such.

A Tale of Two Tales of An Ancient Empire

TALE ONE: It took director Albert Pyun almost 30 years to bring us a sequel to the much-loved, pulpy magnificence of The Sword And The Sorcerer - but sadly 2010's Tales Of An Ancient Empire wasn't worth the wait.

I'll confess that I feel slightly guilty about this upcoming savaging of a movie I should have loved.

However, the first thing you should know about Tales Of An Ancient Empire is that it isn't even a complete movie - it only lasts about 65 minutes then there's a trailer for the sequel Red Moon (which, sadly, never saw the light of day as far as I am aware).

Rather bizarrely scenes from this trailer have been used in the artwork on the back of the DVD case... even though technically they don't occur in this movie!

The basic premise isn't actually too bad. Tanis (Melissa Ordway), the daughter of Talon (Lee Horsley), hero of The Sword And The Sorcerer, is charged by her half-sister princess to track down her father and liberate the kingdom from the grip of newly-risen vampire queen Xia (Whitney Able, hilariously incomprehensible due to her over-sized fake fangs).

Along the way Tanis teams up with a string of other rogues who all happen to be children of Talon - including an oddly camp Kevin Sorbo.

Horsley only truly appears on screen for a single scene - but he steals the show in that one performance - while the cloaked figure we see later, wielding the famous three-bladed sword, may - or not - actually be Horsley as we never see his face.

Right from the off, Tales Of An Ancient Empire is victim to a series of strange and misjudged decisions: background information is imparted through on-screen text that disappears too quickly, the story is broken up into pointless, titled chapters (one lasts the length of time it takes two characters to walk down a hall, while another lasts for the entire third act) and there is much mumbled delivery, often in thick accents, by large portions of the cast.

On top of that there are just too many characters, several of whom look very similar, to keep track of and Pyun's heavy reliance on montage and flashback just confuses things further.

Improvements in special effects technology over the last three decades seem to have passed this production by. While the monsters (all vampires) are good and the smaller atmospheric effects work fine, the exterior of the main palace at night and a sailing ship that Tanis heads off on both looked like unfinished previsualization tests and a lot of the basic green-screening is very obvious.

Most of the film's production faults could have been overlooked if there had been a satisfying conclusion to the story (or any sort of conclusion, really) but to just stop when it did and then taunt us with a tease of better looking scenes was just cruel.

I so wanted to love this film, as I do the original, and I really like the idea of a party of adventures composed of half-brothers and half-sisters, but annoyingly this was a half-movie.

TALE TWO: Following my disappointment with Tales Of An Ancient Empire (expressed, pretty much as above, on a different, earlier blog) I was contacted by director Albert Pyun (yeah, I know! The power of the Internet, eh?) who explained that the version I had seen was a "rough early cut" that was released "without [his] okay".

And then, proving what a cool director he was, Albert (emailing from the set of Red Moon, the sequel to/continuation of Tales Of An Ancient Empire) allowed me a sneak peak at the first 18 minutes of the official, final cut and mix of the movie.

The first thing that strikes you is that the expositional text and chapter headings have gone, replaced by an on-screen, talking head narrator - Hekate (Cazzy Golomb).

If nothing else, this adds a degree of "Know, O Prince," Conan-style gravitas to proceedings and, unlike the chapter headings from my DVD, Hekate only pops up a couple of times during this first 18-minutes.

With less exposition, the story is allowed to unfold at its own pace, which cuts out a lot of the narrative repetition of the previous version, diving straight into the first meeting between Princess Tanis (Melissa Ordway) and her roguish half-brother Aedan (Kevin Sorbo) after the initial introduction of the arch villainess, the vampire queen Xia (Whitney Able).

The stunning Victoria Maurette as Kara

Melissa Ordway as Princess Tanis and Lee Horsley as Talon

The attack on the palace is then told in flashback and this helps to make it clear what is going on.

I was even, this time around, able to pick up on the fact that Tanis is the (adopted) daughter of the king that Talon (Lee Horsley) is riding off to save at the end of The Sword And The Sorcerer.

As well as the CGI shortcomings of the original, reviewed, version of Tales Of An Ancient Empire now being fixed, it's subtle differences that make all the difference in the director's cut (well, the 18 minutes I saw anyway). 

These give me hope that the finished product would have more likely been on a par with The Sword and The Sorcerer.

Ready for Another Dracula?

When a 15th Century prince’s wife is brutally murdered, he renounces God and damns heaven itself.

Cursed with eternal life, he is reborn as Dracula – an immortal warlord who defies fate in a blood-soaked crusade to wrench his lost love back from death.

Directed by Luc Besson, with release date of February 6, this iteration of the undying Dracula saga appears to take as much inspiration from Francis Ford Coppola’s 1992 Bram Stoker's Dracula as from Bram Stoker's original 1897 novel.

Do we need another take on this tale? Let's wait and see, rather than jumping to conclusions.

Given that it's directed by the legendary Luc Besson, if nothing else, this Dracula should be a visual feast.

The Last Voyage of The Demeter (2023)

If you know Bram Stoker's Dracula, then you know The Last Voyage of The Demeter.

Inspired by the book's single chapter that details the captain's log of the doomed voyage from Bulgaria to England, Bragi Schut Jr. and Zak Olkewicz's script, directed by Trollhunter's André Øvredal, extrapolates those few pages into a near-perfect 119-minute 'spam in a cabin' horror flick.

It's July 1897 and the merchant ship Demeter is carrying cargo bound for London, including - unknowingly - a number of boxes of Transylvanian soil and one holding the sleeping body of the vampire lord, Count Dracula (Javier Botet).

Once the ship is at sea, with the crew eager to get to England quickly to earn some bonus pay, the deaths begin.

First the livestock, which was to be the crew's food for their journey, is mysteriously butchered.

Then the crew start being killed off.

The Last Voyage of The Demeter is Alien on a nautical vessel rather than a space vessel, the ship's small crew trapped at sea, being hunted by a supernatural killing machine that dines on them as they bring him closer to his desired destination: the fresh feeding grounds of Victorian England.

Kong: Skull Island's Corey Hawkins is the new ships doctor, Clemens, a man of science to counter the superstitious crew, headed by the ever-excellent Liam Cunningham (aka Game of Thrones' Davos Seaworth, another sailor of note) as Captain Eliot: an almost unrecognisable David Dastmalchian as Wojchek, the quartermaster; and Jon Jon Briones (the genie from Sinbad; The Fifth Voyage) as Joseph, the highly religious ship's cook.

A young Romani stowaway, Anna (Aisling Franciosi) is found when one of the boxes of soil is accidentally opened by rough seas, and we later realise that she was Dracula's packed lunch for the voyage.

Captain "this is my last voyage, I'm going to retire" Eliot even has his eight-year-old grandson, Toby (Woody Norman), along with him and if you think "oh, they wouldn't hurt a child" you clearly haven't been paying attention.

The fate of the Demeter and its crew is inevitable, a foregone conclusion set down in the text of Stoker's game-changing vampire opus.

But that doesn't stop The Last Voyage of The Demeter being nail-bitingly tense and claustrophobic, with several good jump scares, oozing atmosphere from every frame, and featuring a genuinely monstrous depiction of Dracula.

The vampire is no suave British character actor, instead starting a gaunt, grey ghoul and evolving through the film into a giant, Nosferatuesque bat-creature, unsentimental in its brutal slayings.

What adds to the terror is the realisation - to a modern audience - that these people have no idea what a vampire is or how to kill it, they don't know its powers and weaknesses and there is no spoonfeeding of exposition to give them a clue.

All Clemens learns from Anna is that the beast is Dracula, it drinks blood and has kept her people in servitude through fear of its wrath.

Unfortunately, The Last Voyage of The Demeter falls down in its denouement, at the very last moments when it suddenly decides to try and give the tale a pointless "feel good/Hollywood" ending, when the source material's nihilistic resolution would have had a more lasting impact.

Birthday Bonus Trailer for The Timeless Doctors

There are fan films, then there are fan films, and then there is The Timeless Doctors.

Of this forthcoming epic, due for release next year, creator Stuart "BabelColour" Humphryes says:

"It cleverly weaves archive film with newly created special effects, modelwork and voice acting to produce a spectacular new adventure in time and space. Augmented with a bespoke musical score and specially filmed inserts, with cutting edge CGI and the appearance of very special guest artists, this is a fan venture like no other!"

Celebrating Doctor Who's 62nd anniversary with the release of a new, bonus, trailer Stuart adds:

"To celebrate Doctor Who Day today (23rd November), I share a bonus trailer for the 'Timeless Doctors' fan-film. This trailer takes us back to Old Gallifrey, to the days of the Doctor's childhood and much, much further - through the millennia to the Dark Time and the Age of Rassilon, when Omega detonated stars, the Great Vampires stalked the universe and the fledgling Time Lords invented living metals to protect their world. "

This is next-level fandom, supported by many with direct connections to the production of Doctor Who - both Classic and Modern - and a phenomenal pool of talent.

Check out an earlier trailer below and make sure you subscribe to BabelColour's Doctor Who YouTube Channel and/or The Timeless Doctors Bluesky feed for further developments.

HALLOWEEN HORROR: The Amusement Park (1973)

George A Romero's "lost" movie, 1973's The Amusement Park is a bit of an odd fish.

It was the only work-for-hire movie the father of modern zombie cinema made, commissioned by the Lutheran Service Society of Western Pennsylvania "as an educational film about elder abuse", but shelved soon after completion.

A print was discovered of this believed-to-be-lost film in 2017, restored, and was made available to view on Shudder.

Directed and edited by George A Romero, from a script by Wally Cook, The Amusement Park primarily features volunteer actors, or people who were actually involved in elderly care at the time.

In an interview, Romero's wife Suzanne Desrocher-Romero is quoted as saying:

"They [did] use it initially, but I suspect that they thought it was a little edgier than they would have liked."

Clocking in at just under an hour, the main story is bookended by stage actor Lincoln Maazel (who portrays the main character in the film) addressing the audience on how poorly the elderly generation are treated and how we should all change our attitudes to be more accommodating.

The story commences with a jovial Maazel entering an anonymous white room with a single door out.

There's another old man in there, looking the worse for wear, and groaning.

Maazel tries to engage him in conversation, but the battered man simply tells him there's nothing out there and not to go through the door.

Opening the door, Maazel - who also plays the key role of Tateh Cuda in Romero's 1978 vampire film Martin - sees a busy fun fair and steps through.

What follows is a metaphorical bombardment of this old man, with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer, as he stumbles - increasingly deliriously - through a cavalcade of on-the-nose - but often still rather clever - allegories about old age. 

For instance, pensioners are seen queueing up to hawk their valuables in exchange for tickets to the fun fair rides; there's an eye test before you're allowed to drive one of the dodgems (bumper cars) and if you hit someone police and insurance company reps show up; when Maazel tries to be kind to some children he gets heckled as a "degenerate"; a young couple visit a fortune teller and see a terrifying vision of their future in a rundown flat, penniless, and unable to get the medicine they require etc

When Maazel tries to help fellow elderly punters at the fair, the younger - more numerous - visitors don't pay him any attention.

At one point he is hustled into an attraction ominously called Boot Hill, which turns out to be a grim physiotherapy centre.

A "freak show" just features old people, and when Maazel goes to leave, the crowd proclaim that "one is escaping" and chase after him.

There's a moment when Maazel is set upon by a trio of bikers.

Another scene has him being pickpocketed by a sleazy con-artist.

Even when it seems like he might have found some solace reading The Three Little Pigs to a picnicking girl her mother soon packs up and takes the girl away, leaving Maazel almost in tears.

Finally, the ground down and broken Maazel stumbles back into the white room, now the battered version of himself as his earlier self enters the room again, fresh and full of optimism.

Stylistically, I feel The Amusement Park owes a lot to 1962's Carnival of Souls, with elements of Stanley Kubrick's 1971 A Clockwork Orange,.

You can also see echoes of The Amusement Park in LQ Jones's 1975 adaptation of Harlan Ellison's A Boy and His Dog.

It's obvious from the get-go why the film's commissioners decided not to go with this peculiar oddity as their Public Service Announcement of choice.

It falls into the same broad category as the notoriously disquieting British public information films of the same era, but is considerably longer - and more surreal - than those tended to be. 

While The Amusement Park does get across its point about the systemic mistreatment and general abandonment of the elderly, it does it in a way that is more likely to turn off a general audience rather than inspire them to take positive action. 

Not because of its more shocking and dark content, but because of its art house approach of disjointed sounds and imagery.

As an amateur cinéaste, I found The Amusement Park an interesting watch (primarily because of who directed it), but I can't say it educated or inspired me about elderly care in any manner.

Additional research c/o Wikipedia.

HALLOWEEN HORROR: Countess Dracula (1971)

In 17th Century Hungary, the elderly and recently widowed Countess Elisabeth Nádasdy (Ingrid Pitt) discovers she can temporarily restore her youth and libido by bathing in the blood of young virginal women.

Initially, her secret is only known to her castellan Captain Dobi (Nigel Green, a familiar face from such classics as Zulu and Jason & The Argonauts), who has loved the countess from afar for two decades and sees the death of her husband as making way for him, and her brainwashed nurse, Julie (Patience Collier).

At the reading of her husband's will, the Countess finds herself attracted to a new arrival, Lt. Imre Toth (Sandor Elès, who has an air of Jonathan Rhys Meyers about him), the son of her husband's wartime colleague and heir to the Count's stables and collection of valuable horses.

Unfortunately, the will divides the late Count's estate between the Countess and their daughter, Ilona (Lesley-Anne Down, of North and South, and Dallas), who has yet to arrive back from a stay of many years in Vienna.

Thus, the Countess instructs Dobi to kidnap Ilona on her return to the area, and she is bundled off as a prisoner of mute woodsman Janco (Peter May), who's not the sharpest tool in the box but still manages to thwart her multiple escape attempts.

In the absence of the real Ilona, the de-aged Countess assumes the role of her daughter and seduces cavalry officer Toth.

However, because her dark magic never lasts longer than about 48 hours, the Countess finds herself switching between the 'characters' she plays in the castle, while also charging Dobi with finding her fresh victims.

The wise old librarian Grand Master Fabio (Maurice Denham) quickly becomes suspicious and starts to investigate the goings-on in the castle, but this comes at a cost.  

However, his downfall opens the eyes of Toth, just as the castle is forced into "lockdown" by the Chief Bailiff, Captain Balogh (Peter Jeffrey), who concludes that the person responsible for the recent spate of murders could be among the Countess's staff.

Blackmailed into staying, Toth is forced to go through with the planned wedding to the fake Ilona, but the Countess needs another bath of blood to maintain her looks and energy for the honeymoon.

With no visitors coming to the castle, the jealous Dobi has to retrieve a virgin for exsanguination so his unrequited love can find some kind of happiness with a younger man.

Guess who he brings back?

A solid, if ultimately unremarkable, slice of Hammer Horror fare, with music from Harry Robertson of Hawk The Slayer fame, this is a creative compression of the legend of the real Hungarian Countess Elizabeth Báthory, a real 16th Century serial killer said to have bathed in the blood of her victims.

Of course, the Countess isn't a classic cinematic vampire - there are no fangs on display, and she doesn't drink the blood, but rather uses it as skin cream - so the title Countess Dracula (shoehorned into the dialogue right at the last moment) is a slight misnomer. 

Mainly enjoyable for the charms of Ingrid Pitt, the film certainly improves the closer it gets to its climax, but to modern eyes one can't help thinking that with some judicious trimming of the fat this could have made a really good hour-long shocker.

I went into Countess Dracula pretty certain I'd seen it before, but as the tale unfolded, the more convinced I became that it was actually 'new' to me and I'd simply conflated it with the many other 'boobs and blood' vampire films I've sought out over the years.

The Return of Dracula (1958)

Evading the European police, Count Dracula (Francis Lederer) kills Czech artist Bellac Gordal who is on his way to America to stay with his extended family.

Dracula assumes the artist's identity and turns up in the small, whitebread community of Carleton, California, to be met by Bellac's widowed cousin Cora Mayberry (Greta Granstedt), and her children, aspiring dress designer Rachel (Norma Eberhardt) and young Mickey (Jimmy Baird).

Their neighbour Rachel's boyfriend, the ill-mannered Tim (Ray Stricklyn), is also at the station to greet Bellac, and takes an instant to dislike to the charming European visitor.

You know with a manly heroic name like that, Tim's going to be Rachel's knight in shining armour, right?

Tim and Rachel... need I say more?

After he is moved into their spare room, the Mayberry's quickly learn that their European cousin is quite eccentric, keeping to himself, sleeping in, slipping out of the house unnoticed etc

When Mickey discovers his "beloved" kitten Nugget mutilated in an abandoned mineshaft in the hills, it becomes clear that Dracula is here to feed!

However, I'm not exactly sure how we're supposed to feel about the tearful Mickey at this point because he'd seen earlier that Nugget had fallen into a spike-filled pit trap in the mine... and just left him there, promising to come back the next day.

He did try to go back that evening, but was told it was getting too dark to be playing in an abandoned mineshaft. He never mentioned to anyone that that's where he'd seen Nugget!

So, I reckon Mickey is just as guilty as Dracula for the fate of his cat.

Bellac learns of a sickly blind girl, Jennie Blake (Virginia Vincent), that Rachel has been reading to at the parish house, where she helps out.

So Dracula pays Jennie a midnight call and gives her his trademark love bite.

The next day, Jennie is at death's door, and asking for Rachel.

Jennie just manages to rasp out a vague warning before dying.

Around the time of Jennie's funeral, the European police show up, initially in the form of private detective Mack Bryant (Charles Tannen), posing as an agent of the Department of Immigration.

He "wants to check Bellac's immigration paperwork" and manages to snap a sneaky picture of the Undercover Count with a spy-camera in his cigarette lighter.

Outside, he hands-off the film to professional Dracula hunter John Merriman (John Wengraf).

But Bryant's days are numbered. Heading to the train station, to wait for a train out of this kooky place, Bryant spots the supposedly dead Jennie on the other side of the railway tracks.

Lured over there, he is killed by a white German Shepherd dog (was this Dracula... or even Jennie, transformed into a killer dog?).

Undercover Dracula aka Cousin Bellac

Rachel is getting worried about Bellac, after having a nightmare in which he tried to hypnotise her into removing her crucifix (which she got from Jennie).

Then, while trying to find her cousin to convince him to come to a Halloween party at the parish house, she discovers a painting in his room, depicting her lying in a coffin. Why? Who knows, really?

Rachel telephones Tim, but is surprised by Bellac ... because he casts no reflection in the hall mirror and she didn't see him sneaking up behind her.

Tim turns up and whisks a slightly befuddled Rachel away to the Halloween party.

Meanwhile, in the graveyard, Merriman, a couple of random police officers, and local vicar Rev Dr Whitfield (Gage Clarke), discover that Jennie's coffin is empty, so wait for her return (I'm trying to resist using the term "stakeout", for reasons...).

She returns, they paralyse her in her coffin by placing a cross on her chest, there's a bit of a debate over whether she was actually buried alive, then Merriman drives an enormous stake through her heart.

Meanwhile, Rachel slips away from the Halloween party - before the winner of the costume contest is announced - and Tim follows her out to the abandoned mineshaft, where Dracula has set up camp.

Dracula tries to hypnotise Rachel into becoming his bride, but the staking of Jennie makes him weak at the knees and so Tim heroically (well, with a bit of effort) uses Rachel's crucifix to drive Dracula back into the spikey pit (see, foreshadowing!)

With a running time of 77-minutes, The Return of Dracula aka The Fantastic Disappearing Man is the very definition of a B-movie.

Clearly an unofficial sequel to both Bram Stoker's original book and Universal's Dracula franchise, it's not great (but also it's not that bad either), but it vanished from the public consciousness once Hammer's Horror of Dracula aka Dracula was released later the same year, and the iconic Christopher Lee became synonymous with The Count.

It's kind of a shame really because, despite the complete absence of any special effects, beyond the odd cloud of mist when a vampire manifests, Francis Lederer is quite a charismatic Dracula.

While fangless, he compensates with his Teddy Boy quiff.

As this was made in the 1950s, during The Cold War, there's a strong "beware outsiders" vibe to this piece, with All-American, rough-and-ready, Tim's instant distrust of the suave "foreigner" being proven right in the end.

The script, by Pat Fielder and directed by Paul Landres, is paper-thin, but still manages to wander all over the place, with the two - almost simultaneous - climatic showdowns happening with no established correlation, beyond Dracula's reaction to Jennie being staked miles away.

There was an odd moment in this black and white film, when Jennie was staked, a short, colour, shot of bright red blood bubbling up from an impaled corpse had been spliced into the action.

Checking IMDB, this was a deliberate tactic for the theatrical release of the movie, and was restored for cable TV when it was shown on Turner Classic Movies.

While there, I also learned while Lederer hated this making this film, he reprised the role of Count Dracula in a 1971 episode of Night Gallery, A Question of Fear/The Devil Is Not Mocked.

Had Christopher Lee not swept onto the scene, with his big swooshing cape, there's a possibility (albeit remote) that The Return of Dracula might have had a bigger impact on vampire culture, as - for all its shortcomings - there's a certain simple charm about it.

Hellraiser (2022)

In this remake/sequel to Clive Barker's definitive, original Hellraiser from 1987, a penniless, former junkie, Riley (Odessa A’zion) and her loser boyfriend, Trevor (Drew Starkey). decide to rob a warehouse, so she can make enough money to pay her brother, Matt (Brandon Flynn), the rent she owes.

Unfortunately, what they end up stealing is a dread magical puzzle box that opens a portal to Hell, summoning demonic Cenobites who demand a blood sacrifice.

After her brother is seemingly taken by the Cenobites, Riley and Trevor's investigation into what they have stolen leads them to the home of its former owner, the - presumed dead - billionaire hedonist, Roland Voight (Goran Višnjić of ER and Timeless).

There Riley must reach an agreement with the leader of the Cenobites, The Hell Priest (formerly known as Pinhead and played exquisitely by Jamie Clayton), if Riley is going to get her brother back.

Part of my problem with this Hellraiser is that Riley isn't a particularly engaging protagonist. Clearly inspired by Jane Levy's Mia from the 2013 remix of Evil Dead, it is, however, almost impossible to have any relatable sympathy for Riley until pretty much the final scenes of this current flick.

The lack of character depth is accentuated in the set-up to the final act - at Voight's elaborately constructed mansion in the middle of nowhere - that plays out like a generic "teens get in trouble and get slaughtered" slasher flick.

And that's my biggest issue with this take on Clive Barker's mythology: the Cenobites are largely portrayed as simply monsters to be fought, actors in rubber costumes that could be interchangeable with vampires, werewolves or any number of other supernatural creatures. 

For me, the sadistic Cenobites work best when shown to be forces of nature, with almost Lovecraftian levels of inscrutability and power, totally beyond our comprehension and ability to combat with fists and physical weapons.

It is only when the 'angels of pain' are more static and still, as the film builds to its glorious climax, and we get to appreciate the porcelain nature of The Hell Priest's flesh and the power of her words (yes, she does get to recite some Pinhead classics from the original) that Hellraiser becomes more than just another monster movie.

For all that, although this film is around two hours long, director David Bruckner, coming off of The Night House, paces Ben Collins and Luke Piotrowski's screenplay really well, so the action carries you along and the movie never drags.

Bruckner permeates the film throughout with a building sense of dread, and that most certainly pays off in the end, with a denouement worthy of the original film as we get to witness the horrific creation of a new Cenobite.

While this Hellraiser wasn't on a par with the 1987 one, it was certainly better than the awful avalanche of sequels that followed that, and, actually, I'd be interested to see an inventive sequel to this Hellraiser, as long as the same team were behind the camera and they continued to build on what they established here.

Real Life Monster Hunters Are More Hardcore Than Fiction (Monstrum)

How did Van Helsing go from academic in Dracula to action hero icon? This episode explores his evolution from Victorian scholar to monster-hunting legend, unpacking his role in the novel, pop culture legacy, and why he remains the ultimate supernatural slayer.