"Second To The Right, And Straight On Till Morning"

I have long dreamed of a fantastical, island-hopping roleplaying game "project", akin to the beloved Ray Harryhausen sword-and-sorcery movies of my youth filtered through something akin to old school Dungeons & Dragons.

The exact flavour remains undecided, but I already have a campaign format in mind.

I want to emulate the very first campaign that Gublin and I played back in the late '70s: a picaresque nautical yarn in the style of Sinbad The Sailor, The Odyssey, Jason & The Argonauts or even Clark Ashton Smith's The Voyage of King Euvoran, with the player-characters as the crew of an exploratory ship sailing from mysterious island to mysterious island.

I've long said my campaigning Holy Grail is to run an open-ended 'forever campaign' that captures the spirit of the first generation of roleplaying campaigns (e.g. Gary Gygax's Greyhawk, Dave Arneson's Blackmoor, and my personal favourite: Dave Hargrave's Arduin).

Maybe this is the adventure that will steer me in that direction.

More Blood and Souls For My Lord Arioch!

Michael Moorcock's Elric may not have been my (post-Tolkien) introduction to the sword-and-sorcery genre (that honour rests with Fritz Leiber's Fafhrd and The Gray Mouser), it was Moorcock's work that truly shaped my taste in reading.

I haven't read any Leiber in an age, but I often revisit the twisted, hallucinogenic, weird fantasy adventures of Elric of Melniboné and The Young Kingdoms.

There's something about the succinctness of Moorcock's early tales of Elric and his soul-devouring sword Stormbringer that I've always found more enchanting than the doorstop tomes so prevalent today.

It was after years of reading Moorcock that I instituted my "Moorcock Rule" (more of a guideline)  that stated that a book REALLY had to work hard to justify itself if it ran longer than 150-200 pages. 

That said, I've never used the Young Kingdoms - nor any of the trappings of Elric's adventures (even Stormbringer, itself) - in my own roleplaying games. 

I don't own a copy of Chaosium's Stormbringer/Elric of Melniboné RPGs (1981 - 2010). I've looked into it in the last couple of decades but those books generally command silly money on the secondary market.

However, in recent weeks, both Goodman Games and Free League have announced they will be releasing games based on this IP next year (after crowdfunding campaigns).

Goodman Games is planning two different iterations: one using Dungeons & Dragons 5e and one using Dungeon Crawl Classics. While I feel the latter system is probably more suited to emulating the demon-fuelled magic of Elric's world, neither of these systems really tickle my fancy at the moment.

However, my interest is well-and-truly piqued by Free League's offering, Legends of Stormbringer, which will run on the Dragonbane engine. 

I know I keep saying I'm out of the buying new games side of the hobby, but to quote Michael Corleone in The Godfather, Part III:

"Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in."

Dragonbane isn't a game I'm particularly familiar with, except from second hand accounts which are a generally overwhelmingly positive... with a few minor niggles about some of the mechanics.

A translated version of Drakar och Demoner, a game system played in Scandinavia since 1982, Dragonbane's definitely been at the top of my "must check out the starter set" list since it was first released in English in 2023.

This recent announcement might be the nudge I "needed" to pull the trigger on yet another game that I may - or may not - run for the Tuesday Knights.

You can read about Free League's forthcoming Stormbringer offering (and a bit about Dragonbane) here.

Dragon Crusaders (2011)

You have to admire the unrepentant chutzpah of The Asylum for its continued use of unattributed quotes making grandiose claims on their DVD boxes.

For Dragon Crusaders, an "anonymous critic" has declared it: "an epic action adventure in the tradition of Clash Of The Titans and Reign Of Fire!"

The Reign Of Fire angle being that it features dragons and the only Clash Of The Titans (presumably the remake) connection is the use of dodgy CGI - and, to be honest, it's actually a bit better here.

Dragon Crusaders is typical, low-budget Asylum mockbuster fare, but I've always contended that their fantasy, sword-and-sorcery titles are among their best - 2006's Dragon was the first Asylum flick I saw and remains my favourite.

A group of outlawed Knights Templar are fleeing across faux-Medieval England to find a sanctuary from the pursuing soldiers of the king (who we never see and are quickly forgotten about) when they are distracted by sounds of battle in a nearby town, which is being raided by pirates.

The Templars - of course - ride in and save the day, slaying the pirates, and then heading out to the pirate ship (which looks oddly anachronistic) to finish the job.

Unfortunately, as they arrive, a captive witch - Neem (Shinead Byrne) - on the ship has just finished invoking a curse that any who set foot on the boat and have shed blood will be transformed into demonic gargoyles.

The curse has a couple of twists - first anyone affected by it, but slain before the transformation takes place, will rise as a revenant and secondly the purer the soul of the cursed the longer the transformation will take.

Dispatching the pirate-revenants with the aid of wandering warrior woman Aerona (Cecily Fay), Neem reveals that she found the curse in a grimoire she stole from the "Black Dragon" sorcerer who has her people in thrall.

And the only way to break the curse is to travel to the Black Dragon's fortress and slay him. Oh, and Faolon (Steve McTigue) is called the Black Dragon because he can transform into one and has another seven, smaller dragons under his control.

There's witchcraft, bickering, internal disputes, chaste romance and some pretty decent fight scenes (even if one of the largest, against an entire 'village' of the sorcerer's slaves, just seems to suddenly stop without any resolution) along the way and if you can ignore the plot holes, dreadful acting, cheesy dialogue and laughable attempts at banter, Dragon Crusaders is an okay film.

Welsh-location filming certainly adds to the verisimilitude, and the woodlands and sweeping, rolling landscape makes for a dramatic backdrop to the action.

A 'silent' knight turns up at one point, peppering our heroes with arrows, seemingly commanding Faolon's dragons and then challenging the lead Templar, John (Dylan Jones), to single combat... but then disappears from the story as suddenly as he appeared.

Throw in some exploding salt peter for good measure, some slick fight moves from Aerona and the Templar's resident archer (Feth Greenwood) and there's quite a bit to keep you entertained for an hour-and-a-half as long as you aren't expecting a replay of Peter Jackson's Lord Of The Rings or either iteration of Conan The Barbarian.

Skeletor's Origin Revelation Is A Bit Close To The Bone

Dive deep into the history of Eternia this August with a new maxiseries from Dark Horse Comics: Masters of the Universe - Genesis.

Discover the origins of your favourite heroes and villains!

In issue #1, we meet Skeletor - a power-hungry demon-mage determined to seize control of Castle Grayskull, conquer Eternia, and become Master of the Universe!

This 12-issue comic series unpeels the layers of Eternia's storied past through the eyes of its most heroic and most evil warriors.

Issue #1, available on August 5, is the start of a three-issue arc, written by Rich Douek, illustrated by Gavin Smith, coloured by Fabi Marques, lettered by AndWorld Design, and featuring cover art by Mark Buckingham with a variant by Lee Bermejo.

Future arcs in Masters of the Universe - Genesis will feature stories by Cavan Scott, Nick Roche, John Harris Dunning, Giovanna La Pietra, Tiffany Smith, and more!

Maleficent (2014)

I can't honestly think of anything good to say about this major disappointment.

For some reason, a suit at Disney decided that their finest "evil for the sake of evil" villainess - Maleficent (Angelina Jolie) from Sleeping Beauty - needed a ridiculous backstory.

It turns out that she's actually just misunderstood, a victim of male oppression striking back for the sake of equality, and is really a decent fairy who ultimately decides that Sleeping Beauty is a good egg and shouldn't be cursed... but then finds out it's too late to lift the curse!

There are just so many missteps in this film I'm amazed it could find its way to the cinema: for instance, Aurora aka Sleeping Beauty (Elle Fanning) is only asleep for about five minutes and the cartoon's spectacular climax of the witch transforming into a dragon is undercut by Maleficent, instead, transforming her henchman, Diaval (Sam Riley), into the dragon.

Such a pity. I had high hopes for this fantasy, but Disney managed to strip everything so iconic about the original Sleeping Beauty villainess and reduce her to a bland, cookie cutter "anti-hero".

I'd put this on a par with the pointless reinvention of The Wicked Witch of The West in Wicked. These are fairy tales, the bad guys are just bad because they enjoy being bad (and probably have a #bad4life tattoo). They don't need to be "understood". They need to be overcome. 

Sleeping Beauty (2014)

Years before they became a byword for cheap, blockbuster cash-ins (i.e. mockbusters), the first movie I discovered by The Asylum was a fantasy film (simply called Dragon, I believe) in the discount aisle of Woolworths in Tonbridge (which shows just how long ago it was).

Since then I have remained firm in my belief that although they're not exactly known for quality productions, The Asylum is at its best when working in the fantasy genre.

That said, Sleeping Beauty isn't up to the pulpy, B-movie calibre of, say, an Arrowstorm film, but it still has its moments.

Directed by Casper Van Dien, who also appears as King David alongside his wife, Catherine Oxenberg as Queen Violet and his daughter Grace Van Dien as Princess Dawn aka Sleeping Beauty, the film is a liberal reworking of the fairy tale that starts in Disney territory then caroms off into its own little world.

To complete the family atmosphere on set, Maya Van Dien (daughter of both Casper Van Dien and Catherine Oxenberg) appears as a totally random addition to the story - a young girl called Newt (Aliens, much?) who has survived inside the enchanted castle and gives aid to Princess Dawn's rescuers.

Events initially unfold as they do in Disney's Sleeping Beauty cartoon, with the Three Good Fairies bestowing gifts upon the newborn Princess Dawn (although the guards' ill-fitting helmets and the treasure chests that look like cardboard boxes give away that this isn't the Disney version).

But then busty, yummy-mummy, evil witch queen Tambria (Olivia d'Abo) - whose invite got lost in the post - turns up and zaps Dawn with the familiar curse, then proceeds to blow up the good fairies.

In The Asylum's version, Dawn is raised alone in a castle tower, educated by her parents, and kept away from spinning wheel needles (several on-the-nose double entendres involving the word 'prick' got my hopes up this was going to be a wittily-scripted comedy; it's not), until just before her 16th birthday. And what do you know? She only gets tricked by Tambria into pricking her finger and falling asleep (taking the whole kingdom down with her).

A century passes and in a neighbouring kingdom, a servant called Barrow (Game Of Thrones' Finn Jones) discovers fragments of a map and a message leading to the cursed castle. Now, I'm not sure exactly who wrote this as Princess Dawn (as is suggested) is, of course, in a magical sleep.

I presumed it was actually an elaborate trap set out by Tambria - who has also been trapped inside the castle and unable to harm her slumbering nemesis - but this is never made clear.

Barrow's master is the obnoxious, privileged, bullying Tory-boy Prince Jayson (Edward Lewis French), who, learning of Barrow's discovery, decides to lead his coterie of yobbish mates on a jolly wheeze to rescue the treasure in Sleeping Beauty's castle and claim that kingdom for his own.

Again, it's never exactly clear how much this neighbouring territory knows about the curse on King David's land or the power of the wicked sorceress Tambria who now rules (kind of) there.

Given that it's just "over the mountain" from Jayson's realm, the general knowledge of the whole "asleep for a century" scenario seems rather vague.

Of course, Tambria isn't going to make things easy and throws a scaly pliosaur, a giant lizardman, a legion of shadowy wraiths and a never-ending army of zombies at the adventuring party that's coming for the treasure (and maybe the chance to snog a sleeping 115-year-old princess).

A particularly wonderful aspect about Jayson's loathsome cronies is, given that they are supposed to be trained fighters, just how cowardly they are. Their go-to tactic when confronted by any monster is "run away, run away".

The only one who shows the slightest bit of decency towards Barrow, and some backbone, is Gruner (Gil Kolirin) - who may be a commander or captain or something in Jayson's army, again it's not very clear.

The adventuring party gradually gets whittled down as they wander, seemingly aimlessly, around the same sections of castle and overgrown garden, until the final confrontation with Tambria.

By this time, Jayson has switched sides (or is he bluffing?), Newt has popped up and disappeared in a cloud of cryptic warnings several times, and Gruner and Barrow have bonded.

I'm not entirely sure who Sleeping Beauty is aimed at as there's some gore (Tambria pulling the head off of someone and dragging out their spine comes to mind) and an uncomfortable, rape-threat moment where a couple of brothers in Jayson's gang discover a magically sleeping servant woman in the castle kitchens. Thankfully Barrow steps in before that goes too far.

There's certainly an attempt at a Dungeons & Dragons vibe in the latter stages of this movie (torch-lit exploration, traps etc), but despite constant references to Barrow's map, there's never any real feeling that the adventurers are navigating a convincing, contiguous environment.

One minute they are stuck on one side of a lake, the next there's a bridge; they talk about going to certain places, but are next seen elsewhere.

This also isn't some hallucinogenic, dreamscape either, but simply a combination of poor directing, editing and scriptwriting.

The low-budget monsters aren't too bad though; the giant lizardman (despite being a cheap CGI creation) is quite interesting and the various undead have the added bonus that Tambria keeps resurrecting them every time they get nobbled.

As well as the many, many plot holes in the story (some of which I've alluded to above), more often than not the dialogue is delivered in quite mannered ways; now I'm not sure if this is director Van Dien trying to create a "fantasy Medieval" ambience but it doesn't really work.

Budgetary limitations abound in this version of Sleeping Beauty (there's no big dragon showdown at the end, for instance) - both in the effects and script - but it's an okay way to pass 90 minutes, if there isn't anything better on TV.

Forthcoming Howardian Comics That Piqued My Interest

Legendary scribe Gail Simone is bringing us The Ring: The Man Who Beat The Man in June, courtesy of Dark Horse.

The eight-issue series, produced in co-operation with venerable boxing magazine, The Ring, follows:

"...veteran Ring Magazine journalist Cameron Duggan and rising broadcast personality Lisa Wolfe, a former podcaster who has transitioned into television commentary. As the pair travel the boxing world covering a new wave of contenders chasing championship glory, they encounter the ambition, rivalries and politics that shape the sport at its highest level.

"Each fighter approaches the pursuit differently, but the goal remains the same, reach the top of the sport and prove himself as the man who beat the man. As Duggan and Wolfe document the journey of these fighters, they also find themselves navigating the pressures and personalities that surround the sport."

While not directly a Robert E Howard story, Two-Gun Bob was a massive fan of boxing and wrote plenty of pulp tales set in that world - including those of my favourite character, Sailor Steve Costigan.

However, the next comic that caught my eye - and will be added to my pull-list PDQ - is pure Howard.

The incredible writer/artist Patrick Zircher brings his take on Howard's Puritan monster-hunter Solomon Kane back for another miniseries from Titan Comics in July.

Solomon Kane: The Lion Errant sees our hero travelling to India, guided by a "mysterious black-maned lion" where he is drawn into a "confrontation between the warrior queen Rani Durgavati and the mighty Mughal Empire".

"But the coming battle is more than a clash of armies. Ancient powers are stirring, gods and demons walk among the living, and Kane’s arcane Atlantean staff may hold the key to it all. Steel meets the divine. The Sword of Vengeance answers a higher call."

Joe Jusko cover art

The final forthcoming comic with serious Robert E Howard vibes is Dan Panosian's Fire And Ice: Darkwolf, from Dynamite, which also kicks off in July.

This is a spin-off from the gorgeous - but erratically published - Fire and Ice sword and sorcery comic book series.

"Born from the immortal imagination of fantasy illustrator supreme Frank Frazetta, Darkwolf storms into a new era of savage fantasy-brought to life by writer Dan "Urban Barbarian" Panosian and powerhouse artist Andrey Lunatik.

"Dynamite's acclaimed exploration of the world of Fire and Ice continues in this new series!

"It all begins when a mother and her twins flee the warlock who sired them - until a masked warrior descends from the mountains and unleashes hell upon their pursuers. But saving them is only the beginning. 

"Violent. Mythic. Unrelenting. This is Darkwolf, and the legend begins here - a fierce, visceral rebirth of one of fantasy's most iconic warriors

Dan Panosian cover art

MUSICAL MONDAY: Deathstalker (Brendan McCreary, Chuck Cirino, Slash, and Bear McCreary)

The ’80s cult classic Deathstalker is back in an amped-up, reverential reboot, courtesy of writer-director Steven Kostanski (Frankie Freako, Psycho Goreman) and executive producer Slash (Guns N' Roses).

The film features a stellar, rousing, equally tributary title track from Emmy and BAFTA Award–winning composer Bear McCreary (The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power, The Walking Dead) and Slash.

Sleeping Beauty (1959)

Set in a nameless kingdom in 14th Century Europe, the action in Disney's iconic Sleeping Beauty kicks off at the celebrations for the birth of King Stefan's daughter, Aurora (voiced by Mary Costa).

In the middle of the baby being granted magical gifts by the three Good Fairies - Flora, Fauna and Merryweather - the proceedings are interrupted by the arrival of an uninvited gatecrasher, the powerful evil witch, Maleficent (voiced deliciously by Eleanor Audley).

Maleficent has her own gift for the young child - a curse that before sunset on her 16th birthday, she will prick her finger on a spinning wheel spindle and die.

The Good Fairies manage to mitigate this slightly by changing the curse to one of "sleep until kissed by her true love" and then spirit young Aurora away, to raise her - without magic - in secret in the woods, to hide her from Maleficent's schemes until her 16th birthday.

Years pass and it's now the morning of Aurora's 16th birthday - and judging by the evidence of the Good Fairies' attempts to organise a birthday surprise for their guest it's a miracle she's made it this far!

Sent out while her "aunts" prepare the surprise for her, Aurora bumps into Prince Philip (voiced by Bill Shirley) and immediately falls in love with him (being the first man she's ever seen!) - little realising she has actually been betrothed to him since birth anyway, as part of an alliance between her father and a neighbouring kingdom.

Naturally they fail to exchange names, so when the Fairies explain to Aurora that she's  already promised to another, she's rather heartbroken.

Nevertheless, Aurora is returned to her father's castle in secret, unaware that Maleficent has finally tracked her down.

The evil witch lures the princess out of her bedroom to a tall tower where she spies a magical spinning wheel, pricks her finger and falls asleep.

Having never really considered the structure of the plot before I was rather surprised that Princess Aurora doesn't fall into her magical slumber until 50 minutes into the hour-and-a-quarter movie.

Then the Good Fairies decide to put all the inhabitants of the castle (there for Aurora's 16th birthday celebrations) into a similar slumber until the princess is awoken. I'm not entirely sure that that really qualifies as "only using their powers for good"!

Just to prove how evil she is, Maleficent kidnaps Prince Philip as well, to hold him hostage in her dungeons so he can't awaken Aurora with a kiss.

Luckily the Good Fairies bust him out of gaol, equip him with a magical sword and shield and send him off to lift the curse and slay Maleficent.

It's easy to see why Disney decided to make a live-action movie focussing on the character of Maleficent as the scenes in Sleeping Beauty with her are certainly the strongest and most entertaining.

She is a wonderfully evil character - presumably driven by jealousy, although this is never really explained - and, despite the Good Fairies saying "there must be some good in her", she isn't seeking redemption, she simply revels in being a Mistress Of Evil.

The highlight of the film is, of course, the well-known final sequence when Prince Philip rides from Maleficent's lair in the Forbidden Mountains to King Stefan's castle, only to find it surrounded by magical thorn bushes, and then once through those he confronts Maleficent herself, who has transformed into a mighty dragon.

The pacing does drag occasionally, for instance there's a scene with King Stefan (voiced by Taylor Holmes) and Prince Philip's father, King Hubert (voiced by Bill Thompson) discussing the impending return of Aurora that goes on just a tad too long.

Yet, without a doubt, Sleeping Beauty is the definitive fairy story - it has it all: a headstrong princess, a noble prince, an evil witch, romance and magic.

Black Angel (1980)

A knight finds his village destroyed and abandoned.

He tries to track the attackers down and avenge his family, but almost drowns.

A maiden, prisoner of the Black Knight, saves him, so he vows to free her, even though she warns him not to.

Roger Christian’s legendary short film (above), a remake of which, that would expand Black Angel into a feature length fantasy epic, has now been in development since 2015 .

I last shared this online in 2019 (it's a favourite of Philip Reeve and he recommended it to me), but there have, sadly, been no updates on this crowdfunded labour of love since 2022. Much to the chagrin of the project's backers (check the recent comments on the IndieGoGo page).

And Now We Wait A Year-And-A-Half For More Frieren

Macht of the Golden Land, season three's big bad,
the most powerful member of the Demon King's Seven Sages of Destruction

It's been two weeks since Crunchyroll aired the final episode of season two of Frieren: Beyond Journey's End, and I'm still thinking about it all the time.

An incredibly intelligent and nuanced anime, it blends long tracts of cosy, lyrical, slice-of-life storytelling with sudden bursts of - usually magical - fantasy violence.

I'd only really heard the name of the series late last year when I was talking to Clare about what manga Alec (her son, my godson) would like for Christmas. She gave me a list of titles and asked me to "report" back on which I thought would be appropriate. Top of the list was Frieren: Beyond Journey's End.

At the time, the first volume of the manga was out of stock, but it looked suitably fantasy-orientated that when I saw the anime was on Netflix I decided to check it out... and the rest, as they say, is history.

I didn't really know what I was getting into when I started season one, but I was in love with the show by the end of the first episode.

Like Delicious in Dungeon and the classic Record of Lodoss War, Frieren's approach to swords-and-sorcery is clearly influenced by Dungeons & Dragons (our inquisitive heroine's passion for collecting magical tomes often sees her accidentally diving headfirst into treasure chests that are actually mimics!).

Frieren in mimic, Fern - her apprentice - being all judgy

In fact, the anime is pretty much a template for a dream character-driven campaign, interspersing dungeon crawls into an epic overland quest.

One of the aspects that really spoke to me was the story's main theme, a fascinating meditation on the different approaches to life between immortals and mortals, different perceptions of the passage of time and so on.

For those not au fait with this incredible Japanese animation, here's my - off the top of my head - summation of Frieren: Beyond Journey's End's general story (I might have some bits wrong and this certainly doesn't cover everything... not by a long chalk):

Immortal elf mage Frieren was part of a small adventuring party that undertook a 10-year mission to slay the Demon King. Then they all went their own way.

Fifty years later, Frieren discovers her former colleagues - including human fighter Himmel The Hero, who she was possibly in love with - are all dead or on the brink of death.

She wants to commune with the ghost of Himmel but the only place she would be able to do this is at the northernmost tip of the continent.

So, she sets out on this new adventure, on the way picking up a pair of young companions, former wards of one of her old party members, including Fern, a stoic mage, and Stark, a cowardly fighter.

On their journey they undertake a number of side quests that earn Frieren magical Grimoires containing seemingly useless spells... which will surely have some pay-off down the line.

The first - 28 episode - season of Frieren: Beyond Journey's End is available on Netflix, while season two, which is only 10 episodes, is - currently - only on Crunchyroll.

Season three is slated for October 2027 and was announced at the end of season two. Production has begun and a teaser visual (at top) of the powerful demon Macht of the Golden Land was released on the day the final episode of the current season dropped on Crunchyroll.

Such a layered and beautiful work, understandably, provokes a lot of discussion and analysis online and below are just some of the short videos examining aspects of Frieren: Beyond Journey's End.

SINBAD WEEK: Sinbad of The Seven Seas (1989)

As the original 1947 Sinbad The Sailor movie proved, you can make an excellent Sinbad film without Harryhausen effects as long as you have a great cast and script - Sinbad Of The Seven Seas has none of these.

I guess my spidey-sense should have been tingling by the mere sight of Lou 'Incredible Hulk' Ferrigno grinning on the cover of the DVD case.

And if not then, by the fact that the film opens with a contemporary framing device of an annoying  mother (Daria Nicolodi) reading her equally annoying daughter (Giada Cozzi), Edgar Allan Poe's The Thousand-and-Second Tale of Scheherazade (although Poe's story bears no similarity to this sorry affair).

So far, so Princess Bride. But the narration continues, even as the scene shifts to Sinbad and his multi-racial crew, and then it continues some more and it pretty much never stops throughout the whole movie!

And if that wasn't bad enough, all the dialogue by the main characters has been rerecorded and dubbed over - quite badly and quite obviously.

Not that the actors are that good anyway, nor do they have quality material to work with and little apparent direction from Enzo Castellari, master of the spaghetti western and director of the original Inglorious Bastards.

From start to finish, Sinbad Of The Seven Seas is a dreadful script performed by dreadful actors, with the only comparison I can make being the distinctly British tradition of pantomime. And like pantomime, unless you are under six, Sinbad The Sailor is - in equal parts - likely to bore you to distraction and have you laughing out loud at its awfulness.

The only performer to come out of this with any kudos is John Steiner as villainous vizier Jaffar, clearly the only one in on the joke, who is gloriously over-the-top and arch, switching between delightful smugness and being his own worse enemy. Not only does he tell Sinbad where he has hidden the magic crystals that Sinbad must track down but then, having summoned a magical storm to batter Sinbad's ship, he runs it ashore on one of the islands where some of the crystals are hidden!

Inexplicably Sinbad is joined on his adventures by a Viking (Ennio Girolami), a Chinese soldier of fortune called Samurai (!!!) (Hal Yamanouchi), effete prince Ali (Roland Wybenga) - who is to marry the caliph of Basra's cute daughter, Alina (Alessandra Martines) - as well as a bald chef and a cowardly dwarf called Poochie (Cork Hubbert).

While chasing after the magic jewels that Jaffar has scattered - like a pointless video game - they encounter a number of ludicrous obstacles, most of which are overcome by very bad fight sequences (Sinbad has an odd habit of throwing his sword away and simply wrestling whatever he is facing).

The only scenario that shows a bit of initiative is Sinbad's seduction by Amazon Queen Farida (Melonee Rodgers) and her ultimate comeuppance.

I can't even bring myself to discuss the surreal cameo by bodybuilder Teagan Clive as Jaffar's co-conspirator, Soukra, the S&M dominatrix witch, except to say, like the rest of the film, it will leave you perplexed, bemused and possibly in need of counselling.

Unless you are in a particularly masochistic mood, really love ultra-low budget bad movies or are aged under six, Sinbad Of The Seven Seas is best steered clear of.

SINBAD WEEK: The Lost World of Sinbad (1963)

Today's entry in this week of early Sinbad movies is a little known chanbara excursion  from that brief period in the Arabian sailor's storied career when he was, in fact, Japanese.

In this well-dubbed reworking of the Japanese movie, The Great Bandit, about the semi-mythical 16th Century Japanese merchant and pirate Sukezaemon Luzon. the legendary Toshirô Mifune (of Seven Samurai fame, as well as many other movies) takes the role of Sinbad.

The film begins with him inexplicably (in that it's never explained) escaping from being burned alive for the crime of piracy.

Back on his ship, however, in no time at all, Sinbad and his crew are caught in a massive storm and their vessel destroyed.

Sinbad and a couple of survivors are adrift, with a large chest of jewels, when they are set upon by the dread Black Pirate (Makoto Satô) who makes off with the treasure, leaving Sinbad for dead.

Our hero washes up on a beach, where he meets horny wizard Sennin (Ichirô Arishima) who carries his family curse of becoming paralysed whenever he sees the exposed flesh of a woman's cleavage!

Through a series of misadventures in the nearby town, Sinbad eventually falls in with a bandit queen and would-be rebel leader, the rather lovely Miwa (Kumi Mizuno, who crops up in several well-known kaiju films of the 1960s), and learns that the local ruler is taking peasants' daughters, in lieu of taxes, to bolster his harem.

Meanwhile, there's shenanigans at the nearby palace, where the sickly king (Takashi Shimura) remains out of sight.

The king's conniving Chancellor (Tadao Nakamaru) is trying to engineer a coup by getting himself hitched to Princess Yaya (Mie Hama, who appeared alongside Sean Connery in You Only Live Twice), with the help of his cackling pantomime demon-witch ally Granny (Hideyo Amamoto), whose skills include brewing poisons and turning people to stone with her gaze.

The princess, however, is betrothed to the Prince of Thailand (Jun Funato), who is due to arrive any day now for their wedding, which would scupper the Chancellor's ambitions.

Sinbad begins to suspect what is going on when he realises the jewels the kindly princess is wearing come from his own treasure haul (their original provenance is never truly discussed, but I like to think it's booty from a previous adventure of the "I'm not really a pirate" Sinbad).

Unsurprisingly, the lurid claims made in the movie poster (above) are gross exaggerations (the 'giant', for instance, is just a tall bloke, like Bernard Bresslaw in Hawk The Slayer or Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson in Game of Thrones) and there is no "lost world".

Nevertheless, The Lost World of Sinbad is a damn fine romp.

There's even some nice misdirection through the Chancellor's double-dealings that adds a surprising degree of complexity to the central plot.

Mitsukô Kusabue turns in a particularly good performance as Sobei, the Chancellor's overlooked consort, who definitely delivers some of the best snark .. before running afoul of Granny.

While the film boasts no monsters, there's plenty of magic on display, even if Sennin and Granny only have a handful of spells each in their repertoire.

Sennin's main trick is transforming himself into a fly, primarily to get around (including landing on a dancer's breast at one point... because family curse!), while Granny leans heavily on her petrifying gaze.

Towards the climax of the movie, a peculiar sequence sees Sinbad strapped to a giant kite to evade the enemy guards, when he and the rebels are storming the castle,.

He's not riding the kite like a magic carpet, as shown in the (again misleading) poster, but for some reason strapped on its back - facing the sky - so I have no clue as to how he was supposed to guide it.

Sinbad eventually gets into the castle entirely by chance!

Otherwise, the plot - for a dubbed effort that changed so much from the original and unfolds in a setting you'd never associate with Sinbad - is solid, has some good politicking in the court scenes, a cast of interesting and memorable characters, and, as you might expect with Toshirô Mifune involved, pretty decent fight scenes.

TWILIGHT SWORD: My First Champion

As promised in my last news update on the upcoming Twilight Sword RPG, using the recently released (to backers) character creation document, I have made my first Champion: Elean Starlight, daughter of former Champion Staghind Starlight.

I've long thought that Twilight Sword sounds like the perfect way to pool all my memorable characters - and previous adventures - from a lifetime of gaming into one place. And this is my first attempt to do that.

I'd originally thought I'd opt for someone with an isekai-style origin, but this seemed too good an opportunity to tie my old D&D character Staghind into this new world.

Now to go through the character creation steps:

NAME & ORIGIN: Elean Starlight, Heir.

"You are the heir of an ancient Champion or a hero of legend. You had no choice in your own destiny, and you always felt different."

KIN: Huma - the predominant humanoid lifeform in Radia, the huma are superficially elves.
KIN FEAT: Reroll a single failed Ability roll. This Feat can only be used again after a Rest or a Quick Rest.
DISTRIBUTE ABILITY SCORES: Either through points allocation or use of a standard array. I opted for the latter as this was my first run-through of the system.* 

• STRENGTH: 7 
• AGILITY: 9
• VITALITY: 7
• PERCEPTION: 8
• WILL: 8
• KNOWLEDGE: 6
• CHARISMA: 5
• STEALTH: 6

HEARTS & STAMINA: 17 ❤️ and 3 🔷
WAY: Way of The Wild

FEAT: Aim (Can use her reaction to aim. Gains Advantage to the next attack she makes this Turn using a ranged or thrown weapon).
STARTING GEAR: An old bow, an old short sword, padded armor, 12 arrows, and a torch. 3D6 (I rolled 9) Green gems (?).

Obviously, there are still bits and bobs that need to be clarified, such as the damage weapons cause, what difference do "old" weapons make, how much damage armour absorbs, what form does the currency take, how does Advantage/Disadvantage work in this game and so on.

But this introductory, early look at Twilight Sword has filled me with a great deal of optimism. I may have spotted three or four typos in the text, but these looked like they were probably down to translation issues and will hopefully be picked up in future edits.

And, personally, I felt there needed to be some consistency in the breaks between paragraphs (although that might just be the old sub-editor in me), but otherwise - at first look - it appears as though Twilight Sword will be a thing of great beauty.

The character creation process was quick and simple. In fact, it would have been even quicker with a print copy of the rules to hand, as then I wouldn't have had to keep switching - like a bumbling, technology-challenged old man - between the PDF and the document I was writing in.

Even with my own incompetence, it only took, maybe, 10 or 15 minutes... as I already had my mini-backstory in mind. 

I'm eagerly looking forward to the full beta PDF release at the end of this month. 

* As I understand it most tests - including combat - involve rolling a d12 and scoring under (or equal?) the relevant statistic. 

Elean Starlight

SINBAD WEEK: Captain Sindbad (1963)

Today's Sinbad movie not only boasts a wonderful selection of low-budget magic but also an array of cheesy monsters, and a variant spelling of the protagonist's name.

Heading home to the city-state of Baristan after years of clearly successful "adventuring", the charismatic Captain Sindbad (Guy Williams, better known as Professor John Robinson from the original Lost in Spaces series) is looking forward to marrying the Princess Jana (Heidi Brühl).

However, he is unaware that, since he has been away, the wicked warlord El Kerim (Pedro Armendariz) has seized control and is holding the princess and the king, her father (Rolf Wanka) hostage, with the reluctant assistance of alcoholic court magician Galgo (Abraham Sofaer).

The change in Baristan's power dynamics is graphically demonstrated to Sindbad though when his ship is dive-bombed by a squadron of rock-bearing rocs.

He is rescued by passing fishermen, and eventually makes his way to the city where he reunites with his surviving crew members.

Gaining an "audience" with El Kerim, Sindbad runs the villain through with his sabre, only to discover that the usurper can't be killed!

Forced to fight an invisible beast in the city's arena (possibly the biggest anti-climax of the otherwise fun picture), Sindbad slips free and eventually learns that the secret to El Karim's invulnerability lies at the top of a tower on the far side of the desert.

He, and his men, must then race there to solve the mystery before El Karim executes the princess, who has chosen death over a forced marriage to the wicked barbarian.

Captain Sindbad is a fantastical romp that never really lets its foot off the accelerator.

Considering the limitations of low budget special effects, the sorcerer Galgo utilises a wide variety of magic through the 85 minute movie, mainly leaning towards shape-changing spells, and the monsters - if you are willing to suspend your disbelief - are generally fun.

It has to be acknowledged that the invisible "thing" is a major disappointment though, not because director Byron Haskin doesn't try to demonstrate its presence with green-sparking footprints in the arena sand, but because Ian McLellan Hunter and Guy Endore's script brushes it aside so quickly that it's not really the threat to Sindbad it could have been.

Overall, the effects certainly aren't up to Ray Harryhausen standard (for instance, Galgo, at one point, extends his arm magically... and I was reminded of the Mr Fantastic effects in Roger Corman's Fantastic Four), but at least they tried.

However, what sealed the deal for me was the amazing (if effects- and budget-challenging) final act, which, essentially sees the good captain and his crew thrust into an old school "fun house dungeon", complete with strangling vines, whirlpool traps, alligator ambushes, a 12-headed hydra, a massive tower to climb, and an enormous animated fist for Sindbad to fight as the "boss monster" of the dungeon.

Princess Jana, despite the spunk she shows in the face of El Karim's threats, is rather lacklustre.

The princess aside though, this film is filled with interesting supporting characters, from the assortment of rogues in Sindbad's crew, to El Kerim's number two (Henry Brandon), who tries to act as the voice of reason, curbing his commander's more brutal excesses when he can.

But the breathless pacing from War of the Worlds' director Haskin means that while this isn't exactly high-brow fare, it's certainly colourful and surprisingly good family entertainment.

Ator The Fighting Eagle (1982)

"During the childhood of mankind, while some colonies have only just discovered fire, others are already using technology, Inventor Akron discovers the 'radiating matter' which can be used to make earth a paradise or a hell. Soran, a strayed former pupil of Akron, steals his invention. Akron sends out his daughter to fetch the invincible Ator to fight Soran..."

-- so reads the descriptive blurb on the back of my DVD of Ator The Fighting Eagle. Only that's not the plot of Ator at all! But then the poster shown above is also rather misleading as Ator never uses a three-headed flail and his animal companion is a cute bear cub - not a sabretooth tiger!

This (unintentionally?) hilarious, cheesetastic film has Ator (Miles O'Keefe) on a mission to rescue his new bride, Sunya (Ritza Brown) - who he had believed was his sister until the moment his 'parents' gave their blessing to his wedding plans - from the Temple Of The Spider.

A mockbuster years before The Asylum made it an artform and released to cash in on the original Conan movie, Ator has a by-the-numbers, Joseph Campbell "hero's journey"/Star Wars storyline.

The titular protagonist even picks up an Obi-Wan-style mentor, Griba (Edmund Purdom), and a money-driven Han Solo-ish female rogue Roon (Sabrina Siani) along the way to help him blow up the Death Star... er... destroy The Temple Of The Spider.

It's all tied-in to a very long - and highly detailed - prophecy about how Ator's true father, the legendary Tauren, was doomed in his quest to defeat the Spider Cult and so the destiny has passed to his son, Ator.

The main problem is Ator is rather a rubbish hero - frequently bested in combat, gullible and, frankly, not the sharpest tool in the box - he is constantly being rescued by Roon and the cute bear cub.

The fights are joyously lacklustre, which only adds to the humour, and a couple of times Ator simply abandons Roon during a fight when his attention is distracted by something else.

He only appears to be able to beat people if he catches them by surprise - or has an incredibly powerful magic shield of zapping to hand!

Couple this with stilted and corny dialogue, some wonderfully WTF "monsters" (the walking dead that simply disappear, the blind warriors, the shadow demon, the shapechanging sorceress, the giant spider etc) and all the elements combine to make Ator The Fighting Eagle an incredibly entertaining - and amusing -  way to waste 90 minutes of your life.

That said, as Italian swords-and-sorcery films go, it's head and shoulders above Conquest, the scenery is surprisingly interesting - with strange statues dotted around the landscape - and some of the 'encounter' ideas aren't half-bad.

The Green Knight (2021)

Although The Green Knight has been available to stream on Prime Video for ages now, it wasn't until I came across the Blu-Ray in an Amazon sale the other day that I finally decided it was time to clear 130 minutes in my schedule and sit down to watch this Arthurian epic.

It's Christmas in the court of King Arthur and aspiring knight Gawain (the perfectly cast Dev Patel) is seated beside the king, his uncle, when the mysterious emerald-skinned Green Knight (Ralph Ineson) rides in and issues an honour challenge.

He will allow someone to strike him, but then the following Christmas they must seek him out in The Green Chapel and he will repay the blow in the kind.

Gawain, with the loan of King Arthur's sword (is it Excalibur?), beheads the Green Knight, but then the supernatural entity picks up his head and rides off.

Eventually, time passes and the aged Arthur (a brilliant turn from Sean Harris) tells Gawain he really should go and find The Green Knight.

Thus begins Gawain's odyssey across the misty realm of Ancient Britain, searching for The Green Chapel where the unearthly knight will be found.

A hypnotic, often unsettling, blend of gritty Medieval verisimilitude and mythological magic realism, odd things happen throughout A24's The Green Knight and are just accepted as par for the course.

On his journey Gawain helps a ghost, meets a talking fox, mystical tokens are lost and found, and our hero is nearly flattened by hauntingly ethereal giants (who look like they've stepped out of the classic 1973 French animated movie Fantastic Planet).

As far as I can figure - and it feels as though you are diving into a dense text as you try to follow along on a first viewing - the story is primarily concerned about upholding a chivalric code of honour, a parable about being true to your word.

For some bizarre reason, although I've heard the tale of Sir Gawain and The Green Knight several times, I can never remember how it pans out, but the dialogue-free extended epilogue of writer/director David Lowery's adaptation of the original 14th Century text is sublime.

Although prone to occasional atmospheric mumbled dialogue and minimalistic, naturalistic, lighting that makes some scenes as dark as The Long Night, there's a lyrical quality to the narrative of Lowery's The Green Knight that buoys you along. 

While not the traditional swords-and-sorcery, knights-and-armour type of film that I enjoy, it certainly doesn't feel like an arduous two hours if you allow yourself to sink into the world David Lowery has conjured up for us.

It's not necessary to know the names of all the characters and their backstories (in fact, if you check IMDB very few of the characters even have names), because The Green Knight isn't that sort of story, rather it's a period piece told using modern technology but as it would have been recounted "back in the day".

We also don't need to know where the giants came from or how the fox spoke, because these were aspects of Medieval storytelling that were just accepted in stories told around the campfire.

That said, on a more academic scale, I strongly suspect that with a bit more reading about - and research into - the subject matter of The Green Knight, more will be gleaned from this great movie upon subsequent viewings.

Conquest (1983)

Let's get one thing straight from the start, I'm no fan of Italian Giallo cinema, but I felt I owed it to myself to sample "godfather of gore" Lucio Fulci's one stab at the sword & sorcery genre - Conquest.

Sadly, it's as dreadful, rambling and poorly constructed as any Italian horror movie I've seen with a nonsensical story, cheap and cheesy effects, awful cinematography (if the picture doesn't look like it was shot through a fine net curtain, or is obscured by near-constant mist, it's probably too dark to see anything clearly) and a disappointing lack of notable casual nudity (even if the central, mask-wearing villainess Ocron is topless every time she appears on screen).

What passes for a story in Conquest is the narrative equivalent of a sandbox Dungeons & Dragons campaign. Our two "heroes" - whiny, Luke Skywalker-esque (circa A New Hope) Ilias (Andrea Occjipinti), armed with his magic bow, and surly rogue Mace (George Rivero) - wander around a mist-enshrouded land having random, often inexplicable, encounters and fighting monsters.

They are supposedly fighting evil, but are also seen simply killing a random person to steal his food!

Evil, brain-eating witch Ocron (Sabrina Sellers) has a vision that Ilias is going to kill her and so dispatches her legions of wolf-men/dog-soldiers and other masked minions to capture him.

Of course, he doesn't know who she is and only decides to go after her once her soldiers have slaughtered the tribe of very accommodating cave people that Ilias and Mace have been staying with.

I'll admit there was a surprising twist in the plot towards the end, but even that took its own bizarre turn that was never explained or returned to - much like Mace's sudden ability to teleport (unless that was the magic bow!)

Ridiculous, stupid, illogical and, at times, tedious, Conquest is a hard slog to get through and thankfully only lasts about 88 minutes.

She Is Conann (2023)

Presented as a series of vignettes, 2023's She is Conann, written and directed by Bertrand Mandico, is supposedly a feminist take on Conan The Barbarian

I would beg to differ. The various segments of this French art house offering present Conann (Con-ann, gettit?) at different stages of her life (which, as far as I could tell, was the main similarity to Robert E Howard's stories of Conan The Barbarian), starting as a peasant girl captured by barbarians led by the red-haired Sanja (also called Sonja), played by Julia Riedler.

Both Sanja and Conann turn out to be immortal - for no readily explained reason - but whereas Sanja is played by the same actress throughout her various appearances, Conann is portrayed by a succession of different actresses: Claire Duburcq at age 15, Christa Théret at age 25, Sandra Parfait at age 35, Agata Buzek at age 45, and Nathalie Richard at age 55.

Nearly always in her orbit is the dog-man Rainer (Elina Löwensohn), a cameraman documenting her life and narrating the movie. All very gender-fluid and meta, but ultimately sound and fury signifying nothing. 

Rainer (Elina Löwensohn)

Why is Rainer a dog-person? Who knows! However, I must admit that the make-up on Löwensohn (and the other dog-people who pop up) is very impressive. My mind couldn't help wandering to the dog-people of Jeff Noon's excellent Vurt books, and wondering why these had never been adapted to the big screen.

Perhaps She is Conann is meant to be a commentary on the broader machismo and sleaze of many of barbarian movies of the 1980s? However, to my mind, any film that requires a crib sheet to fully grok is a huge red flag.

She is Conann begins in a sci-fi/fantasy world (supposedly Sumeria, but you'd never know), with strong '80s-throwback, retro vibes (accentuated by the fact that the entire film is shot on a series of soundstages with old school, direct-to-video, levels of set decoration).

The story soon jumps to a more contemporary period and all semblance of a sword-and-sorcery setting is forgotten (bar the odd reference to "barbarism").

Every segment ends - segueing into the next - with the Conann of that period being slain by her next 'incarnation', until the final story when she has become a multimillionaire patron of arts and gives herself up to the artists she supports as an edible work of art.

The creators can only inherit Conann's limitless wealth if they totally consume her specially-prepared body.

The deliciously disturbing body horror sequence that follows is really the highlight of She is Conann. 

This being the most overt, and clear, segment of the movie, I'm pretty sure there was a clever metaphor about 'eating the rich' in there should you be inspired to look for it.

Shot primarily in black and white, but switching to colour every now and again, She is Conann is also largely in French (with subtitles) except for a segment set in '80s New York when the characters speak - and swear - in English.

Ultimately, the 105-minute movie is a stylish, but empty, mélange of assorted styles and ideas from far superior sources, the unique cinematic voices of Peter Greenaway and Derek Jarman mixed with literary tropes from Michael Moorcock and William S Burroughs.

Oddly though, as infuriatingly incomprehensible as much of it is, the story flows and moves quickly, probably helped along by the comparatively short length of time spent on each period of Conann's life.

But that also means each iteration never hangs around long enough for us to truly understand her character at the moment in her life or her motivations.

Presumably every directorial and narrative choice in the film has been made for a reason, it's just unclear what those reasons were.

On paper Bertrand Mandico's recipe for reimagining Conan The Barbarian should have created a perfect meal for this viewer, who usually has a lot of time for clever art films, but instead She is Conann is disappointingly too pretentious for its own good.

The Twilight Sword Will Be Drawn on April 7

Way of The Blade, art by Daniela Giubellini

A beta PDF of the Twilight Sword roleplaying game, along with the starter set, will be released - to those of us who backed the crowdfunding campaign last year - on April 7, according to a recent update from publisher Two Little Mice.

The update added that the:

"...BETA will be pretty advanced, with maybe some typos left to find, and some artwork missing. But you can expect the full Twilight Sword experience, including an introductory mini-campaign ready to play."

Work is also proceeding at a pace on the Lands of Radia supplement, detailing the default setting for the game, so that is also expected to be finished soon.

The company - which is also responsible for the ever-expanding OUTGUNNED catalogue of action movie-themed games, Household, Memento Mori etc - calls Twilight Sword its "most ambitious project to date", which has me even more excited than ever for the game's arrival.

The print edition of the anime and video game-inspired, sword-and-sorcery ttrpg Twilight Sword is still on track to be shipped to backers at the beginning of August.

Lumino Inn, art by Donata Poli