Missed Out On Free Conan Comic Day? Fret Not...

Conan of Cimmeria believed that Thulsa Doom’s evil had been banished forever, but the Atlantean necromancer’s dark power stirs once more and, if it cannot be stopped, the dead shall overtake the living! The Tyrant-King of Atlantis returns and all shall suffer, unless Conan and his brave allies can turn back the tide!

Did you miss out on the Conan The Barbarian offering on May 2's Free Comic Book Day?

Don't worry - publishers Titan Comics has you covered. The 24-page book is now available as a free, downloadable PDF direct from them, here.

Written by legendary Conan scribe Jim Zub, with art by Jesus Merino, the comic is a prelude to the next big Howardverse comic book crossover event, Tides of the Tyrant King, starting in the Autumn.

This year's event ties into the classic 1929 Robert E Howard pulp story Skull-Face, his take on the Sax Rohmer's popular Fu Manchu adventures that began in 1912.

Tides of the Tyrant King also features, from the original Skull-Face yarn, Soldier Stephen Costigan, cousin of my favourite Howard creation Sailor Steve Costigan.

Okay, So Chat GPT Definitely Helped Me Here

I'm currently on a bit of a Greek myth kick when it comes to roleplayng games - inspired way more by Stephen Fry's quadrilogy of classy rewrites (Mythos, Heroes, Troy, and Odyssey) than Christopher Nolan's forthcoming movie.

For years, I've had this little itch at the back of my brain about a game that Gublin and I played a few times waaaaaay back in the 1980's, geared specifically towards roleplaying in the Greek myths.

But, for the life of me, I just could never remember anything else important about it. It was definitely Gublin's book, which explains why it wasn't so rooted in my memory, but I was sure it used cards and had an orange cover.

I know I cast some shade in the direction of AI the other day, but, eventually, I bit the bullet and fed what little I could recall into Chat GPT.

After about a half-a-dozen additional questions and clarifications (no, not a board game, video game etc) and wading through a lot of wild inaccuracies from my AI "assistant|", it finally directed me to Odysseus: Role Play For The Homeric Age.

Light bulb moment!

Written by Marshall T Rose, the game was published as a 32-page book, with cardstock inserts, in 1980 by Fantasy Games Unlimited (who, of course, also originally published Villains & Vigilantes which I would go on to play much, much more).

As soon as I saw the cover (pictured above), I knew I had found another - very small - part of my childhood.

I was also then able to find pictures of combat cards and ship deck plans that came with the game.

I've set-up an eBay search alert for the game, despite reading reviews that generally range from scathing to lukewarm. From what I've seen and read now, Odysseus appears to be an uncomfortable hybrid of clunky wargames rules (that that period was known for) and roleplaying aspirations, without much in the way of support.

No doubt this contributed to our games back in the day never finding their sea legs and becoming any sort of long-running campaign. At that time very little could compete with Advanced Dungeons & Dragons in our eyes.

I suspect that even if I can get my hands on a reasonably priced copy of Odysseus: Role Play For The Homeric Age it would be more for the nostalgia than as a potential game for the Tuesday Knights.

One of the deck plans - printed on cardstock - included in the game

Independence Isn’t Just A Way Of Life

More Blood and Souls For My Lord Arioch!

Michael Moorcock's Elric may not have been my (post-Tolkien) introduction to the sword-and-sorcery genre (that honour rests with Fritz Leiber's Fafhrd and The Gray Mouser), it was Moorcock's work that truly shaped my taste in reading.

I haven't read any Leiber in an age, but I often revisit the twisted, hallucinogenic, weird fantasy adventures of Elric of Melniboné and The Young Kingdoms.

There's something about the succinctness of Moorcock's early tales of Elric and his soul-devouring sword Stormbringer that I've always found more enchanting than the doorstop tomes so prevalent today.

It was after years of reading Moorcock that I instituted my "Moorcock Rule" (more of a guideline)  that stated that a book REALLY had to work hard to justify itself if it ran longer than 150-200 pages. 

That said, I've never used the Young Kingdoms - nor any of the trappings of Elric's adventures (even Stormbringer, itself) - in my own roleplaying games. 

I don't own a copy of Chaosium's Stormbringer/Elric of Melniboné RPGs (1981 - 2010). I've looked into it in the last couple of decades but those books generally command silly money on the secondary market.

However, in recent weeks, both Goodman Games and Free League have announced they will be releasing games based on this IP next year (after crowdfunding campaigns).

Goodman Games is planning two different iterations: one using Dungeons & Dragons 5e and one using Dungeon Crawl Classics. While I feel the latter system is probably more suited to emulating the demon-fuelled magic of Elric's world, neither of these systems really tickle my fancy at the moment.

However, my interest is well-and-truly piqued by Free League's offering, Legends of Stormbringer, which will run on the Dragonbane engine. 

I know I keep saying I'm out of the buying new games side of the hobby, but to quote Michael Corleone in The Godfather, Part III:

"Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in."

Dragonbane isn't a game I'm particularly familiar with, except from second hand accounts which are a generally overwhelmingly positive... with a few minor niggles about some of the mechanics.

A translated version of Drakar och Demoner, a game system played in Scandinavia since 1982, Dragonbane's definitely been at the top of my "must check out the starter set" list since it was first released in English in 2023.

This recent announcement might be the nudge I "needed" to pull the trigger on yet another game that I may - or may not - run for the Tuesday Knights.

You can read about Free League's forthcoming Stormbringer offering (and a bit about Dragonbane) here.

Jabberwocky (2020)

As Alice wanders through the dreamscape of Looking-Glass Land in Lewis Carroll's Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There, she happens across a book written in an unintelligible language. 

Inside, she discovers an epic poem filled with nonsense, fearsome creatures, and whimsical language. Dive into Carroll's legendary poem, Jabberwocky and see if you can make sense of the nonsense.

Poem by Lewis Carroll, directed by Sjaak Rood.

h/t Marco Graziosi's A Blog of Bosh

Journey To The West - Conquering The Demons (2013)

How many movies can you think of that climax with a fight between King Kong and God*? I can name one: Journey To The West - Conquering The Demons.

With Conquering The Demons writer/director Stephen Chow gives us a prequel to the well-known tale of The Monkey King as portrayed in various media, including the '70s TV show Monkey!

Conquering The Demons is the origin story of the famous quartet at the heart of the latter tale - Monkey, Pigsy, Sandy and Tripitaka - although this isn't entirely obvious until the final moments of the movie, as the film stands well enough on its own without any prior knowledge.

The story grows gradually out of a number of vignettes with characters that seem rather familiar from other iterations of Journey To The West (one of the  Four Great Classical Novels of Chinese literature) but cast as villains where we have only really known them as reluctant heroes before. You'll also spot items that eventually become iconic artefacts in the story of Monkey and Tripitaka's travels.

Zhang Wen plays scruffy demon-hunter Xuan Zang who doesn't want to slay demons but simply remind them they were once innocent children, though the songs in his book of 300 Nursery Rhymes.

While battling a giant fish-shaped water demon, Xuan crosses paths with the pretty and resourceful Miss Duan (Qi Shu), who is attracted to Xuan's innocence - despite his outward expressions of chaste disinterest.

After a run-in with an unstoppable pig demon, Xuan's master sends him on a quest to seek help from The Monkey King, imprisoned under Five Finger Mountain.

Luckily, he is not alone when he comes up against the ultimate trickster - he has fellow demon-hunters, Miss Duan, Prince Important (Show Luo), Almighty Foot (Chaoli Zhang) and Fist of the North Star (Xing Yu) to watch his back.

Blending comedy (both physical and verbal), with horror, martial arts, wire-work, magic, romance, song, tragedy and pathos in a cocktail rarely seen in Western cinema, Conquering The Demons is a genuinely captivating action movie.

Chow's take on The Monkey King is a lot darker than any I've been used to before. He's still playful, selfish, manipulative and arrogant, but he's also really very evil here - having clearly not learned his lesson from when Buddha trapped him under the mountain 500 years earlier.

The humour subsides in the totally gonzo climax as The Monkey King demonstrates his true nature, making short work of the demon-hunters before Xuan calls on Buddha to intercede and matters come to a head on a cosmic scale.

It's no surprise this film raked in the yuan in China, Journey To The West - Conquering The Demons is not only magnificent storytelling but a visual feast as well, packed as it is with magical martial artists and monsters.

* Technically it's The Monkey King and Buddha... and it's not really even a fight... ignore me, you just have to watch it... seriously... watch this film!

The Cimmerian Is Ablaze Once More

Cover art by Chris Regnault

Continuing yesterday's celebration of upcoming comic book releases related - or inspired by - the works of Robert E Howard, July also sees the start of a new miniseries for The Cimmerian.

Once again, after a break of about four years, Ablaze is publishing the English-language translation of Glénat's original French "uncensored" adaption of Howard's Conan adventure Xuthal Of Dusk (aka The Slithering Shadow).

Conan, accompanied by Natala - a slave of wild beauty - advances through the seeming infinity of a sandy desert. With water and food supplies now exhausted, and with the two stranded in turn under a blazing sun and frigid nights, it is clear that the inevitability is death. Right as Natala’s final ounce of strength leaves her, Conan spots something in the distance. It’s a city that shines like glass. It’s Xuthal…

Written by Christophe Bec, with art by Stevan Subić, this will be a three-issue miniseries and marks the regular return of The Cimmerian series, following on from the publisher's Free Comic Book Day release at the start of next month.

Variant cover by Stevan Subic

As I understand it (I am not a copyright lawyer, nor do I play one on TV), Ablaze can publish The Cimmerian because it limits itself to republishing existing European adaptations of Howard’s original Conan stories that are in the public domain in Europe.

Heroic Signatures controls the global Howardverse I.P and works with Titan Comics to publish its new, original, line of wildly successful comics and magazines inspired by Howard's work.

It struck a deal, six or so years ago, with Ablaze to translate and distribute the French Glénat bande dessinée adaptations as The Cimmerian (to differentiate these comics from Titan's new Conan books).

The Little House Gets A Netflix Upgrade

They left everything they knew for a new life on the prairie. Meet the Ingalls family as they discover what “home” really means. Little House on the Prairie, based on the beloved books, premieres July 9, only on Netflix.

Neither the original TV series nor the books were part of my psyche growing up, so I'm looking forward to finally getting to know the Ingalls.

Marketa Lazarová (1967)

It should be obvious now, if you've read a number of my film reviews, that I have a soft spot for those of a Medieval bent, but have no problem with foreign movies, subtitles, epic durations, black and white, symbolism, non-linear storytelling etc

However, the much-lauded Czech film Marketa Lazarová sorely tested my patience with its plodding, yet rambling, narrative that unfolded at a glacial pace and suffered with a surfeit of "telling rather than showing".

At its core is a basic Hatfield & McCoy feud between two neighbouring clans in 13th Century Czechoslovakia - one headed by the bandit Kozlik The Goat (Josef Kemr), the other by struggling businessman Lazar (Michal Kozuch).

It's a harsh winter, but matters only get worse when Kozlik's family kidnap a nobleman from Saxony, which provokes the King to send his representative to crush the villains and rescue the young man.

Kozlik tries to entice Lazar into siding with him against the King, but when that stratagem fails, Kozlik's son Mikolás (Frantisek Velecký) kidnaps Lazar's virginal daughter Marketa Lazarova (Magda Vásáryová), who had been preparing herself to become a nun.

Bizarrely - in an almost Twilight-like twist of logic - Marketa eventually falls in love with Mikolás and the last third of the movie plays out against the backdrop of their doomed romance.

On paper, the plot sounds quite inspiring and straight-forward, and about 90 minutes in there's a really impressive battle scene when the King's forces, led by Captain Beer (Zdenek Kryzánek), attack the Kozlik hill-top fortress.

But away from this, everything moves so slowly and, even with the frequent "chapter introductions" that are thrown up on screen (as you would find in Victorian novels) to help explain what was going on, it feels as though the story is jumping around - but without any rhyme or reason.

There are also moments of casual European full-frontal nudity and one extended, surreal dream sequence but these just come across as arbitrary and without any real purpose to the narrative.

And it's a 159 minutes long. And you feel every, single minute.

Some of the praise heaped on this film is for its lack of special effects in its fight sequences, but conversely it's worth pointing out that Mikolás has a one-armed brother, Adam (Ivan Palúch), and on a number of occasions you can tell his "lost" arm is simply tucked inside his baggy shirt!

Marketa Lazarová is also quite dark, in appearance as well as tone, often making it difficult to follow what is going on. This also isn't helped by the subtitles - which suffer not only by often being unclear who they are associated with but also I suspect some weak translating along the way.

The occasionally nonsensical subtitles made me strongly suspect that the film makes a lot more sense in its native tongue, if you can remove the barrier of having to rely on someone else's condensed translation of possibly complex or multi-layered ideas.

A number of pretentious and dull film periodicals, which take movies way too seriously, are quoted on the DVD box cover as proclaiming Marketa Lazarová "the best historical film ever made" and "the most convincing film about the Middle Ages made anywhere".

Don't believe them. It may have been when it was made in 1967, but there have since been far better, far more accessible and far less tedious films made about the Middle Ages.

I had been really looking forward to this as I had read such great things about it online, but in the end Marketa Lazarová was a major disappointment and very mundane after the ridiculously inflated praise it has somehow garnered.

The Real Hyborian Age?

Map of Robert E Howard's Hyborian Age, from Titan Comics' Conan The Barbarian

In 1932, Robert E. Howard wrote an essay describing an advanced civilization at the end of the last Ice Age, destroyed by catastrophe and flooding, followed by a final period of glaciation. He called it the Hyborian Age. Today, Graham Hancock argues for essentially the same sequence of events using modern geological evidence. But Howard got there first, drawing on sources that go back over a century.

In this video, I trace the intellectual roots of Howard's fictional prehistory through Ignatius Donnelly, the Theosophical tradition, Charles Hapgood, Jack London, Yogi Ramacharaka and B.G. Tilak, who argued that Vedic myths preserved memories of an Arctic civilization destroyed by glaciation.

Featuring rare first editions from my personal collection including the 1938 LANY first publication of The Hyborian Age, one of fewer than ten known copies.

A fascinating half-hour presentation by Howard scholar and essayist Jeffrey Shanks (his erudite writings appear in every issue of Titan Comics' bestselling Howardverse books).

In this feature, he looks into the early 20th Century (and prior) archaeological, historical and pseudohistorical, mythological, and occult ideas on prehistory and the Atlantis myth that fed into Robert E Howard's fictional setting of the Hyborian Age.

RPG REVIEW: DuckQuest by Darcy Perry

Cover art by Jon Hodgson

Picture a game that mingles Marvel's Howard The Duck and Rocket Raccoon, with the adventures of Usagi Yojimbo, Stan Sakai's rōnin rabbit, and a dash of Disney cartoonery, then pepper it with humour akin to Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett.

Now you'll have an idea of what's to come when you leaf through the pun-packed pages of Darcy Perry's DuckQuest: Quack Starter Edition (from 2021).

Initially created as an adjunct to one of Darcy's Kickstarter campaigns for the wonderful, often anthropomorphic, miniatures he produces through Star Hat Miniatures, the game is now available for the general public to purchase as a gorgeously illustrated 64-page PDF (click here).

Back during the Kickstarter, Darcy explained the genesis of DuckQuest:

"Unlike other games where ducks are relegated as side-kicks or comic relief, imagine they're the star players; the heroic explorers on an epic adventure. It's an idea that didn't go away. The more I looked around, the more I noticed that ducks got a raw deal. Something had to be done. So combining the need for ducks to be represented in a better light and a lifelong dream of writing my own fantasy heartbreaker RPG. I took the plunge and dived in!"

Mechanically, DuckQuest is an ultra-lite and streamlined d20 game (the core mechanic is essentially roll a d20, add a stat, score over a Target Number), with a freestyle magic system (that still retains some simple mechanics to rein in overzealous players), and a wonderfully Tunnels & Trolls-like method to condense monster statistics to a minimum.

Although the book's fluff skews towards the players taking the role of ducks in the game, there's nothing stopping them from playing crows, cats, dogs, squirrels, turtles etc

Emphasising the science-fantasy leanings of the game, the A-Z of 26 suggested character backgrounds (their 'quackstories') even embraces cyborgs, time travellers, and stranded spaceship pilots.

After picking a quackstory and a suitable name, character creation primarily involves allocating one to five points between the five QUACKtributes (Quickness, Ugly, Arcana, Cool, and Kismet), determining physical (Heart) and mental endurance (Psyche), adding in some quirks (which are largely for flavour and roleplay prompts), and then sorting out what equipment you have.

The Dramatic Universal Cosmic Kudos System (DUCKS) core rules (light as they are, but with a basic scenario concept of "quests", often involving killing monsters and stealing their stuff) are certainly evocative of the 'old school'.

However, there's also strong elements of more modern narrative sensibilities in the rules, such as starting objects in a character's possession being colourfully named but their exact "crunch" being down to player suggestions and gamesmaster fiat.

An example of the game's gorgeous
and idiosyncratic art

Employing all the main polyhedrals (even up to a d30), DUCKS includes a small number of simple mechanics - such as dice steps and exploding dice - that tick all the right boxes for this fan of funky dice play.

With a core mantra of "it doesn't have to make sense, it just has to make fun", a great deal of emphasis in the book is put on a group shaping the game and the default setting of  Aqualoonia (if they even choose to set their campaigns there) to their own whims.

To be honest, beyond the evocative place names on the map, and occasional bits of lore dropped in along the way, Aqualoonia is largely a blank slate for players and gamesmasters to fill in as they see fit.

For instance, some of the breadcrumbs scattered through the text send my brain racing off towards the world of my beloved Mortal Engines, Philip Reeve's literary masterpiece, so that's another avenue my imagination could explore through the funhouse lens of DuckQuest..

The core game book also contains a delightfully inspirational page of "duck cryptids", compiled by legendary games designer Jennell Jaquays. These are folk tales and ghosts stories of the feathered folk that can work as delicious background matter and plot hooks.

DuckQuest, full of fowl humour and loving parodies of pop culture, is not a game to be taken seriously.

That said, it is a fully-functioning roleplaying system with enormous campaign potential thanks to its easy-to-grok "levelling up" rules and bulging bestiary of killer critters - ranging from tiny mushroom men to kaiju-sized monstrosities that would give Cthulhu a run for his money.

Given the solid framework that Darcy has created, DuckQuest is also primed perfectly for hacking, should you come up with a house rule or two on the way to conjuring up your own campaign.

She Is Conann (2023)

Presented as a series of vignettes, 2023's She is Conann, written and directed by Bertrand Mandico, is supposedly a feminist take on Conan The Barbarian

I would beg to differ. The various segments of this French art house offering present Conann (Con-ann, gettit?) at different stages of her life (which, as far as I could tell, was the main similarity to Robert E Howard's stories of Conan The Barbarian), starting as a peasant girl captured by barbarians led by the red-haired Sanja (also called Sonja), played by Julia Riedler.

Both Sanja and Conann turn out to be immortal - for no readily explained reason - but whereas Sanja is played by the same actress throughout her various appearances, Conann is portrayed by a succession of different actresses: Claire Duburcq at age 15, Christa Théret at age 25, Sandra Parfait at age 35, Agata Buzek at age 45, and Nathalie Richard at age 55.

Nearly always in her orbit is the dog-man Rainer (Elina Löwensohn), a cameraman documenting her life and narrating the movie. All very gender-fluid and meta, but ultimately sound and fury signifying nothing. 

Rainer (Elina Löwensohn)

Why is Rainer a dog-person? Who knows! However, I must admit that the make-up on Löwensohn (and the other dog-people who pop up) is very impressive. My mind couldn't help wandering to the dog-people of Jeff Noon's excellent Vurt books, and wondering why these had never been adapted to the big screen.

Perhaps She is Conann is meant to be a commentary on the broader machismo and sleaze of many of barbarian movies of the 1980s? However, to my mind, any film that requires a crib sheet to fully grok is a huge red flag.

She is Conann begins in a sci-fi/fantasy world (supposedly Sumeria, but you'd never know), with strong '80s-throwback, retro vibes (accentuated by the fact that the entire film is shot on a series of soundstages with old school, direct-to-video, levels of set decoration).

The story soon jumps to a more contemporary period and all semblance of a sword-and-sorcery setting is forgotten (bar the odd reference to "barbarism").

Every segment ends - segueing into the next - with the Conann of that period being slain by her next 'incarnation', until the final story when she has become a multimillionaire patron of arts and gives herself up to the artists she supports as an edible work of art.

The creators can only inherit Conann's limitless wealth if they totally consume her specially-prepared body.

The deliciously disturbing body horror sequence that follows is really the highlight of She is Conann. 

This being the most overt, and clear, segment of the movie, I'm pretty sure there was a clever metaphor about 'eating the rich' in there should you be inspired to look for it.

Shot primarily in black and white, but switching to colour every now and again, She is Conann is also largely in French (with subtitles) except for a segment set in '80s New York when the characters speak - and swear - in English.

Ultimately, the 105-minute movie is a stylish, but empty, mélange of assorted styles and ideas from far superior sources, the unique cinematic voices of Peter Greenaway and Derek Jarman mixed with literary tropes from Michael Moorcock and William S Burroughs.

Oddly though, as infuriatingly incomprehensible as much of it is, the story flows and moves quickly, probably helped along by the comparatively short length of time spent on each period of Conann's life.

But that also means each iteration never hangs around long enough for us to truly understand her character at the moment in her life or her motivations.

Presumably every directorial and narrative choice in the film has been made for a reason, it's just unclear what those reasons were.

On paper Bertrand Mandico's recipe for reimagining Conan The Barbarian should have created a perfect meal for this viewer, who usually has a lot of time for clever art films, but instead She is Conann is disappointingly too pretentious for its own good.

Why Aren't These Movies Cult Classics?

WhatCulture Horror presents a selection of classy genre movies, which are all too often mistakenly overlooked. These 10 films should be classed as cult classics, the 13-minute featurette argues, but aren't.

It's an interesting selection, although I firmly believe that the number one film, Near Dark, is a cult classic. I certainly regard it as such.

THROWBACK THURSDAY: Carpe That Diem! Or "I'm An Idiot!"

I try not to dwell on regrets, I've long accepted the fact that nothing good comes from such negativity, as long as you learn something.

However, one of my biggest regrets - from which the main thing I've learned is my natural-born laziness is one of my most self-sabotaging traits - is never following up on the letter I received in September, 2002, from Hodder & Stoughton.

I'd always quite fancied myself as something of a writer and, at that time, had what I thought was a pretty decent idea for a novel.

So, I drafted a synopsis and sent it off to Hodder & Stoughton, having carefully picked them out from the Writers' & Artists' Yearbook as being a publisher that might be interested in my idea.

I got a letter back on July 31 asking for three sample chapters.

These were written and dispatched and then, on September 11, 2002, I got a letter back from the submissions editor.

You can read the important information below:

It was an amazingly positive way to say " no, thank you, but..." and I should have been encouraged by the letter.

You know what I did with it? What thriller project I wrote next to send to the publishers?

Nothing.

Sweet Fanny Adams.

Nada.

Zilch.

Honestly, now, I have no idea why, except, I expect I was distracted by drink, girls, TV, cinema, the usual ephemeral nonsense that catches my fickle attention.

I'm not printing this letter to say: "Look at me, what a great writer I am", nor am I seeking any sympathy (as there was no one to blame but myself).

Rather I want to emphasise what an idiot I was.

This is a lesson to all you young whippersnappers out there, to my godson Alec and his sister Bettany, to Paul's girls, and all the children of this blog's readers: don't be like me.

When life gives you lemons, don't file them away then go to the store and buy lemonade.

Take advantage of every opportunity that comes your way.

Carpe Diem!

At the very least, I should have used that letter to try and get myself an agent... which in turn could have kept me better focused on my professed desire to become a published author.

The damage my stroke did to my concentration - and other aspects of my brain - pretty much guarantees this ship has sailed, but if any good is to come from all this, I want it to stand as an object lesson that others can learn from.

The galling thing about my gross stupidity - and laziness - is the number of films I continue to see that feature ideas very similar to the ones I had way back in my proto-novel with the working title of The Donner Project.

Paintings and Ice Schooners Lead Me Down A Rabbit Hole

Beautifully packaged parcel from Peahen In The Tree

When I started putting my thoughts together about returning to the world of blogging a year or so ago, I never imagined I'd be writing so much about my book collection.

But then I discovered Booktube, and my perspective shifted somewhat.

The other day, a random eBay advert hit my eyeballs for different edition of a key book from my formative years as a young gamer: Wereblood (or, in this iteration, Were Blood) by Erik Iverson (aka alt-history maven Harry Turtledove).

My 'new' copy of Wereblood

But what made this printing of particular interest to me was the painted Boris Vallejo cover (see above), which bore no relevance to the Gerin The Fox story told in Wereblood whatsoever.

In fact I knew it from a 1985 roleplaying supplement from Mayfair Games' Role Aids line that I was mildly obsessed with as a youth. Ice Elves did exactly what it said on the tin (and in Vallejo's 1978 painting).

It was an Advanced Dungeons & Dragons adventure and rules supplement that explored the idea of a race of elves living in the frozen North, getting around on ultracool "ice riggers".

The reason I was rather hooked on this supplement is because of the similarities, especially in the whole "ships that glide over ice" aspect, to the first Michael Moorcook book I ever read: The Ice Schooner.

However, the more I thought about this - especially when my parcel from online book trader Peahen In The Tree arrived - the more surprised I was by the fact that Vallejo's art didn't decorate the covers of the either of the two editions I have of The Ice Schooner.

My two copies of The Ice Schooner

But a wee bit of Googling quickly revealed it had, of course, been used as a cover illustration for a 1978 Dell Publishing edition of The Ice Schooner:

Was this painting originally commissioned for this book?

A key aspect of the book that introduced me to the wonderful writing of Michael Moorcock is that it was another purchase from P&P Book Exchange in Goods Station Road, Tunbridge Wells.

This is the same - sadly, long-gone - second hand book store where, four decades ago, I discovered the cosmic horror of HP Lovecraft for the first time and was transformed from a "dabbler" in comics to full-on collector when I purchased piles of Wolfman/Perez New Teen Titans and John Byrne Fantastic Four comics.

It's no understatement to say that one store played a major role in shaping my lifelong geeky interests. 

The world needs more browsable, brick-and-mortar, second hand book shops.

Outlaw of Gor (1988)

Filmed concurrently with Gor,Outlaw Of Gor is a half-baked sequel with a turgid plot and apathetic acting that makes the original look almost Oscar-worthy in comparison.

It's about 40 years since I read John Norman's Outlaw Of Gor but I'm pretty sure this limp movie bares very little resemblance to its supposed source material.

Set three years after the events of Gor (we learn this from the VHS cassette box, not the film itself) and Tarl Cabot (Urbano Barberini) is summoned back to Counter-Earth, but this time his slimy colleague from the university, the lecherous Watney Smith (Russel Savadier), accidentally tags along... and has no problem adjusting to the fact that the pair of them have suddenly arrived on an alien planet.

Before that though, for anyone perverse enough to want to watch Outlaw Of Gor without first having seen Gor, Tarl has a very convenient flashback précising the events of the first movie - but without mentioning Oliver Reed's rather central character (obviously they didn't want to have to pay him again).

Our less-than-dynamic duo make their way to Ko-Ro-Ba (which is noticeably different to what we saw in the first film), where Tarl is reunited with his love Talena (Rebecca Ferrati), her father Marlenus (Larry Taylor), a village elder who treats Tarl like an old friend, but I'm pretty sure we've never met before (Alex Heyns), and the sinister Priest-King Xenos (a bewildered Jack Palance, who is still not an insectoid alien).

Cabot's arrival at Ko-Ro-Ba prompts a truly hilarious sequence where random people just shout "Cabot" (one of the many bizarre moments in Outlaw Of Gor ridiculed by MST3K). The strange thing about this is until they arrived on Gor, I was convinced Watney had been calling his friend "Kevin", not "Cabot".

However, things are not all hunky-dory in Ko-Ro-Ba. Turns out Marlenus has hooked up with duplicitous Queen Lara (Donna Denton), who is secretly in league with Xenos in a bid for ultimate power (over a single village - not exactly epic ambitions).

Lara promptly seduces Watney ("Tell me, how do they make love on your planet?"), kills Marlenus and frames Tarl.

However, as if one Jar Jar Binks in his life wasn't enough, Tarl is also reunited with the midget Hup (Nigel Chipps), who is even more pointless in this movie than he was in the original.

Tarl and Hup go on the run in the desert - little realising that Lara has sent Ost The Hunter (Tullio Moneta), a monosyllabic bounty hunter, after them with the express orders that Cabot be brought back alive.

Ultimately this fuels a rift between Xenos and Lara (Xenos accuses her of acting like a "bitch in heat") and eventually culminates in one of the most embarrassingly degrading death scenes for a Hollywood legend in the history of B-movie cinema.

Where the plot of Gor at least moved forward, in Outlaw Of Gor it just goes round and round.

If it wasn't for the awful lines and risible fight scenes, this film could almost be called tedious.

But thankfully, it has some wonderfully WTF moments that make bad cinema so great.

A particular highlight here is the character of a nameless slave girl that Tarl and Hup rescue from slavers in the desert (a sequence in itself so laughable as to be a classic - just watch the slavers reaction at the end when they are standing around as their camp burns down around them).

From the moment she first appears among a crowd of slaves the camera picks her out as "someone important". She is then rescued and, in true Gor style, offers to "pleasure" Tarl as a reward. He refuses, because of his love of Talena. Then they are all captured - rather easily - by Ost, who takes them back to Ko-Ra-Ba, where the slave girl gets chained up in the mines... and promptly forgotten about. Never to be mentioned, or seen, again!

All this sets up the climactic fight sequence, which is another masterclass in "what the frakkery" as Ost changes his allegiance for no readily explained reason and tips the scales in Tarl's favour.

As you may have guessed, Outlaw Of Gor isn't particularly well-written. Not only is it full of clunky dialogue (much of which clashes with the themes of John Norman's books), but many things happen without explanation.

The character of Xenos is totally wasted, as all his Machiavellian machinations are just echoes of the more successful Queen Lara's schemes, and the nameless slave girl - who you are led to believe is crucial to something or other - is simply filling a narrative role that Talena could have taken.

I'm also not sure why this merits an 18 certificate, while the original was only a 15. Once again there's no nudity or cussing and the fights are comparatively tame (Tarl has a knack for killing floored opponents by stabbing the ground beside them). I can only imagine it's possibly because of the reasonably protracted torture scene of Tarl being whipped for Lara's pleasure.

The cassette box claims that "Tarl embarks on a series of wild adventures battling the strange and magical creatures who live in this forbidding universe". Doesn't happen. There are no "strange and magical creatures" to be seen anywhere in Outlaw Of Gor... and even "wild adventures" is stretching things a bit!

"He's Not The Messiah, He's A Very Naughty Boy!"

Experience the epic conclusion. Dune: Part Three only in cinemas and IMAX December 18.

Directed by Denis Villeneuve and written by Villeneuve and Brian K. Vaughan, Dune: Part Three is based on the novel Dune Messiah by Frank Herbert and delivers the epic conclusion to Villeneuve’s trilogy.

The film stars Timothée Chalamet, Zendaya, Jason Momoa, Florence Pugh, Rebecca Ferguson, Isaach De Bankolé, with Charlotte Rampling, with Anya Taylor-Joy, and Robert Pattinson, and Javier Bardem, and features newcomers Nakoa-Wolf Momoa and Ida Brooke.

Gor (1987)

Generally I'm not one to complain if a movie based on a novel doesn't stick one hundred per cent to its source material, but this 1987 adaptation of John Norman's Tarnsman of Gor is simply taking the piss.

Branded as John Norman's Gor, the opening credits proudly proclaim that this film is based on Tarnsman of Gor - but the first thing you notice is the marked absence of any actual tarns: the roc-like warbirds the warriors of Gor ride into battle.

Instead they have horses.

This is pretty much on a par with Peter Jackson replacing the eagles with Irish Wolfhounds in The Hobbit or Lord of The Rings trilogies.

But this isn't the only peculiar choice scriptwriters Rick Marx and Harry Alan Tower and director Fritz Kiersch make in this un-faithful of adaptation of Norman's 1966 pulpy sword-and-planet story.

It almost feels as if they scanned through the book, picked out key names and phrases and then scattered them at random throughout the script.

We first meet our protagonist, wimpy physics professor Tarl Cabot (Urbano Barberini) lecturing bored students about the magical ring he inherited from his father and its connection to an alien world known as Counter-Earth or Gor (which is odd because when he actually arrives on this alien world and is told the planet's name he doesn't register that this is the place he was talking about 10 minutes earlier).

Having lost his girl to a campus bully (an early appearance from The Mummy's Arnold Vosloo), Cabot is involved in a car accident and wakes up to find himself on Counter-Earth.

However, it's not the alien world readers of the Gor books would be familiar with - the towering spires of the Gorean cities have been replaced by mud huts and caves, while the verdant nature of Gor is replaced with never-ending deserts (more Barsoom than Gor).

Clumsy Tarl accidentally stumbles into the role of hero when the village of Ko-Ro-Ba is raided by the soldiers of Priest-King Sarm (Oliver Reed) - in the books the Priest-Kings are large insectoid creatures, but not here - who are stealing the village's mystical Home Stone (a big point in the book is how bland and ordinary the Home Stones are) and kidnapping the village's ruler, Marlenus (Larry Taylor).

In the book, Marlenus is, in fact, the villain of the piece and it is his megalomaniacal schemes to take over Gor that Tarl is opposed to. Here, he's just some old duffer that Tarl has to rescue - aided by Marlenus' daughter Talena (Rebecca Ferratti) and other random one-dimensional characters - including an annoying midget called Hup (Nigel Chipps). No, I don't know why, either!

With a two-minute training montage, idiot Tarl is transformed into hero Tarl and the plot devolves rapidly into a run-of-the-mill "lifting the yoke of slavery" storyline - which, again, anyone familiar with Norman's Gor series will appreciate the irony of.

Given the general level of sauciness in the novels, it's bizarre that when Tarl is taken to Sarm's decadent palace of delights, it's more Flash Gordon than Flesh Gordon.

This is possibly the only '80s babes-and-barbarians movie where the women keep all their clothes on!

Then just as you think everything is coming to an end, and you're wondering where Jack Palance - mentioned high in the opening credits - has got to, Jack Palance appears, as another Priest-King, and introduces a whole other storyline which goes nowhere and doesn't appear to amount to anything.

Who could have realised they were actually, rather clumsily, setting up a sequel - Outlaw Of Gor - that was filmed alongside Gor?

While Palance is barely in this movie, mention must be made of the other big name though: Oliver Reed. Clearly the worse for wear from drink in many of his scenes, I hope Oli's towering genius was well-rewarded with alcohol for allowing his name - and talent - to be attached to such a trashy flick as this.

Gor is one of those incredible pieces of cinema that is so changed from its source material you have to wonder why the film-makers didn't go the whole hog and simply make it its own thing. It's not as the Gor books have ever had the same cultural cachet of, say, Lord Of The Rings.

There are only really a couple of minor details that they actually get right, subtle little background details (such as the Gorean drink 'paga'), that it would have far simpler to have changed the character and place names (most of which are already used incorrectly anyway) to something else and dropped the Gor connection entirely.

On the plus side, Gor is full of unintentionally funny moments, crappy fight sequences, no-budget special effects, a plot that meanders all over the place, and a drunk Oliver Reed. And Oliver Reed - drunk or sober - can make anything watchable.

It's Swords Versus Sorcery As Conan Faces Dark Gods

Currently scheduled for release on Life Day, Conan: Gold for Dark Gods has just been announced as a new, original, hardback adventure for Robert E Howard's legendary barbarian.

Published by Titan Books, in partnership with Heroic Signatures, the 400-page novel by sword-and-sorcery author Jonathan French, will be part of - although self-contained - Tides of the Tyrant-King, Titan's next big event storyline in its wildly successful Conan The Barbarian comic book line.

The official blurb for the book, now available for pre-order ahead of its November 17 publication, is as follows:

Conan returns to Shadizar the Wicked, the world’s cruellest city, after an old ally is executed for daring to defy the cabal of nobles who rule. He’s come to ensure the tutelage of his dead comrade’s son, and Conan’s first lesson to the boy — take revenge!

The rich masters of Shadizar rule through masks. Finding them is nigh impossible, killing them pointless, for more moneyed men would only step forward. There is only one way to make them pay: rob them blind. To succeed, Conan assembles a crew to infiltrate the Gilded Garden, the fortress-palace where the city’s elite hoard their wealth. If they can find it…

As the crew search for the Gilded Garden, they uncover it contains not only the rulers’ wealth but the sorcerous secrets of their power — ancient pacts with dark gods.

Conan must choose: is he merely a thief chasing coin and vengeance—or something far more dangerous? A rebel willing to topple a regime.

In the meantime, don't forget there's a horror-themed Conan novel, The Brides of Crom, hitting stores next month (earlier than original announced).

Make Your Pledge For The Latest Issue of The Atlantean

The heroic team-up of writer Randy Zimmerman and artist Russ Leach have launched a new crowdfunding campaign to finance the fourth issue of The Atlantean, an amazing sword-and-sorcery comic based on the works of Robert E Howard.

This particular 50+ page, squarebound issue features an adaptation of The Mirrors of Tuzun Thune, which I just happened to have listened to on audiobook at the start of the week.

You can pledge your support for the campaign here, where you will also see several sample pages of gorgeous black and white artwork. You can also purchase back issues and the original graphic novel of The Shadow Kingdom, that started this line.

The campaign has already smashed through its initial target, the pencil artwork is all finished and the comic is currently being edited and inked.