Words To Live By?

Conan & Dragonero #3 (Titan Comics)

In this month's issue of the non-canonical crossover comic, Conan & Dragonero, our Cimmerian protagonist delivered a throwaway, mid-combat, line that rather caught me by surprise.

"I don't worry about anything until it happens".

I am, by no stretch, a Robert E Howard scholar or expert on his most famous creation, but I guess this has always been Conan's philosophy - even though I don't recall him specifically spelling it out like that.

Perhaps, in all my years of consuming the adventures of Conan The Barbarian in various media, I've never really given this much serious thought.

To be honest, I'm not one hundred percent sure that this statement is a sensible approach to life as, taken at face value, surely that means a total absence of forward planning... and yet Conan is a master of the cunning trick and unpredictable battle strategies.

However, though the lens of stoicism, he is right. Only worry about things within your control. 

There's no point worrying about the possibility of wild wyverns slashing the balloon of your airship and sending you plummeting to the ground... because that's out of your control. 

Fighting the monsters that are in front of you, though, is within your control.

I wish I could adopt this mindset.

I've always been quite an anxious person, but since the sudden aortic aneurysm that struck me down out of the blue a couple of decades ago (and the stroke I suffered during the emergency, life-saving surgery), my PTSD-fuelled anxiety and general nervousness has gone through the roof.

Things that used to bug me or worry me can now reduce me to a blubbering wreck.

But these are - nearly always - things that are out of my control.

I'd love to have a modicum of Conan's stoicism. I shall endeavour, next time an appropriate situation arises, to tell myself "not to worry about anything until it happens".

This reminds of another phrase I heard last year that I try to put into use when I can.

In the brutal Netflix Western serial, American Primeval, Taylor Kitsch's character tells a kid with a broken arm: "It's only pain."

A simple, little phrase, but one I now repeat to myself when I'm going to the doctor's or the hospital for a procedure that involves sticking needles into my tiny, elusive veins.

I still hate it, it doesn't stop me screaming out or crushing Rachel's hand, but - at the end of the day - it is "only pain". It's not going to kill me, and it will pass.

So, who still thinks that comic books and television aren't good for you?

Prisoners Of The Lost Universe (1983)

Three years after creating the most Dungeons & Dragons film of all time (Hawk The Slayer) Terry Marcel and Harry Robertson reunited to try and recapture that 'lightning in a bottle' magic with Prisoners Of The Lost Universe.

The chances are your impression of their success can be gauged against how well you feel George Lucas recaptured the magic of the original Star Wars trilogy in the Ewok movies.

Even bringing back Peter O'Farrell and Ray Charleson in essentially the same roles as they had in Hawk, a roguish dwarf and a gifted elfin creature, doesn't really help.

TV presenter Carrie Madison (Kay Lenz, best known as Thursday from the classic western The Great Scout & Cathouse Thursday) and handyman Dan (Richard Hatch aka Captain Apollo from the original Battlestar Galactica) find themselves shunted from our world to the primitive parallel world of Vonya. There the warlord, Kleel (a slumming-it John Saxon) is using his stash of Earth weaponry to maintain a brutal grip on the nomadic locals.

Kleel takes a shine to Carrie (because of her blonde hair and feisty nature) and it's up to Dan and the adventuring party he soon gathers (an elf, a dwarf, and a giant... sound familiar?) to rescue her.

As with Hawk, there's a strong whiff of Dungeons & Dragons in Prisoners Of The Lost Universe, with its abundance of random encounters.

But the cheesy monsters our heroes cross swords with are more reminiscent of the Italian low-budget sword-and-sandals fare such as the Hercules movies, Conquest etc that were being made around the same time.

Unfortunately for gamers - and neutral observers - all the humanoid monsters met are simply interchangeable, disposable goons in different costumes with no discernible differences in their abilities beyond their different outfits (be they midgets with glowing eyes, subterranean cloaked critters, or the Jason Voorhees-like waterbeast).

If Hawk The Slayer was Marcel and Robertson's Robert E Howard, then Prisoners Of The Lost Universe is their Edgar Rice Burroughs.

Despite the '80s opening on Earth and the presence of firearms, the sci-fi vibe that's suggested by the film's advertising (see poster/DVD cover above) is largely trampled by the fantasy elements, giving the film a micro-budget sword-and-planet John Carter of Mars flavour more than anything else.

Although Dan The Handyman is no John Carter!

On top of clunky dialogue and bargain basement effects, there's also a quite heavy-handed attempt to force humour into the mix by injecting some odd, comedy sound effects, which are totally cringe-worthy.

Trying too hard to lean into "camp charm", when such elements should be allowed to blossom naturally, it doesn't take long to realise why Prisoners Of The Lost Universe never gained the cult following that their earlier work did.

Jonah Hex's Return Ensures The West Remains Weird

We haven't seen a decent appearance by DC Comics' Western antihero Jonah Hex for a good, long while, but the scarred bounty hunter returns this October in a new six-part miniseries, Jonah Hex and the Shadow of Death.

Written and illustrated by Michael Walsh - known for The Silver Coin, Universal Monsters: Frankenstein, and Exquisite Corpses - this latest slice of Weird West horror for Hex begins with our protagonist seemingly retired and living in the small town of Ashecott.

Of course, it's not long before an ancient evil rises and Hex is forced to put his guns back on. Could this be his chance for redemption?

This title is one of the latest additions to DC's Next Level publishing initiative, which begins in September, bringing more classic characters and teams back into their current continuity:

Below are a couple of dialogue-free sample pages from Jonah Hex and the Shadow of Death:

PROJECT 60: Back In The Saddle

My three new mini packs for Dead Man's Hand

Inspired by my whinging about not getting anywhere with  the skirmish wargame side of PROJECT 60, I felt I should invest in some new miniatures for Dead Man's Hand.

This coincided with Great Escape Games announcing a couple of new packs of townsfolk (ladies and children), and me bingeing the entirety of the excellent, new iteration of Little House on The Prairie (on Netflix).

So, I ordered that pair of new packs and a pack of Chinese labourers (I'm pretty sure that with all the other Chinese figures I own, I could populate an impressive Chinatown for my unbuilt Wild West town). 

As ever with Great Escape Games these all arrived safe and sound the day after I'd placed my order. 

My painter, Matt, currently has some fantasy figures of mine he's working on at the moment, but the next shipment will be a return to my Western theme, to spur me on with this scheme.

To give you a better idea of what I've just picked up for my game, here are Great Escape Games' beautifully painted versions of these figures from their website:

PROJECT 60: Off The Rails!!!

Photo by Pixabay

Some of you may recall in the past I've talked about my PROJECT 60, an ambitious desire to get both a skirmish wargame and a roleplaying campaign all set up and ready to run by the time I turn 60 towards the end of this year.

You might also have noticed that I haven't actually mentioned it since February - when Nick and I went to our local wargames show and I picked up some suitable 3D printed buildings.

I'd like to blame the hot weather and my general ill-health, but honestly it's my fickle nature and life-long inability to stay focused on any one particular aspect my hobbies for long.

PROJECT 60 was, therefore, rather ambitious - but that was the point.

On the skirmish wargame side, I'm still sticking firmly to my plans to build a tabletop Wild West town for games of Dead Man's Hand.

I just haven't sent off any Western figures for painting this year and have actually done nothing concrete towards assembling and painting the buildings, which was always a goal for this Summer.

Everything has simply remained in a clutter in the gamesroom.

I really need to get sorting that before things go missing as I move books, Blu Rays, and bits & bobs around looking for other things.

And this isn't to say my wargaming thoughts haven't gone round the houses from Bronze Age Greece to Fantasy Medieval and 17th/18th Century pirates and highwaymen!

They've just circled back (for the moment) to the American West.

On the roleplaying game front, my initial passion for Twilight Sword has rather dampened (even before the printed materials show up), and been replaced by flickering flames of interest in Dragonbane.

I haven't found the time to read the rules properly yet, so my confidence still swings all over the place and my mind darts off in other directions every now and then (even, most recently, considering a Wild West roleplaying campaign... but with a twist).

However, as well as 40-year history in Sweden, Dragonbane (aka Drakar och Demoner) has a solid core of fans who really, really love the system, which gives me a lot of encouragement. 

I have actually noticed some mechanical similarities between Twilight Sword and Dragonbane, which has led to my brain classifying Twilight Sword as modern Basic/Expert Dungeons & Dragons whereas Dragonbane is modern Advanced Dungeons & Dragons!

Of course, I'm essentially starting from scratch with Dragonbane, and you know how slow I am at reading and absorbing things... especially new things.

So, I'm still hoping to get these games back on track for PROJECT 60, but I know my birthday isn't that far away and I have way fewer years ahead of me than behind.

Even if I can one or both of these games up and running, just how long will these "forever campaigns" actually last now?

POSSE POWER!!!

Photo by Reda Bluo

Since this blog celebrated its first six months of active service back in May, another brave soul has joined our Posse of Followers: Tom D.

This pushes membership to a very lucky 13, but we could always do better! We're very welcoming around these 'ere parts.

Look to the right and you will see in the side column (below the current 'featured article') a widget entitled Join The Posse. Under avatars for my current followers is a button marked Follow.

Simply press that and - all being well - your avatar will join the ranks of this group of brave heroes.

I do think you'll need a Google account for this to work (Blogger, after all, is a Google thing).

Not only does this mean, my expertly crafted prose will appear in your Google "Reading List" but it demonstrates to me that you're interested in my waffle and support what I'm doing (without having to part with a single red cent, sign up to a Patreon, or back my Kickstarter).

For those of you new around here, my blog is kind of a broad church at present with a mix of film (and TV) reviews, trailers, books, comic books (particularly Titan's Conan and other Howardverse titles), and underpinning it all a life-long love of tabletop roleplaying games.

I also love swords-and-sorcery, monster horror, westerns, Star Wars, B-movies, select superheroes (primarily Superman and Fantastic Four these days), curry, pizzas, my long-suffering wife, Rachel, and our cute little doggo, Alice.

And probably other things that have slipped out of my Swiss Cheesed brain.

I also write, occasionally, about my health: the idea being that, as a stroke survivor, I can share both the highs and lows of my ongoing physical and mental battles. I try to limit this, at most, to once a week (although, where pertinent, it can slip into posts about other things).

Anyway, you're here now, reading this, so why wouldn't you want to join the Posse?

• Of course, honestly, the best way to follow the action on Cowboys, Capes, and Claws is to add this blog to your Feedly aggregator or similar RSS feed reader application (it almost sounds as though I know what I'm talking about!)

READING REPORT: Sailor Tom & Reconcile

 

I had a pretty impressive - for me, anyway - weekend of reading. I finished two books (one cover-to-cover in a handful of hours) and started a third.

First up was Mark Finn's homage to Robert E Howard's Sailor Steve Costigan: The Adventures of Sailor Tom Sharkey. 

One of the big differences between Sharkey and Costigan is that Sharkey was a real professional boxer in the late 19th and early 20th Centuries. Finn has simply given him, via the use of "tall tales", a pulpy life outside the ring and past his retirement.

Another big difference is that Sharkey's two-fisted adventures are much wilder and weirder than Costigan's, this collection includes weird science, ghost stories, battling robots, dinosaurs, and monsters (of several stripes). 

Because of his time in the ring, Sharkey is also a celebrity and is often recognised on his various travels, freely giving out autographs to his admirers.

Each story is short and succinct, but told with great gusto by Finn channelling Sharkey's voice.

My next read - which thankfully only took a couple of hours - was far less inspiring: Bruce Campbell's Western novella Reconcile. 

I hoped the A.I. art of the cover was just a glitch, a slight error of judgement. But the more I read of this short work the more I began to wonder if A.I. hadn't also infected the text within as well.

The adventure is set in Oregon in 1866 and within a few pages we meet a tribe of Northern Paiute Indians... playing (American) football!

If it had been kickabout proper football it wouldn't have stuck out so much like a sore thumb.

So I had to stop and check: American Football was first played between two college teams in November, 1869.

From there, it just kind of went downhill. There's no sense of place and direction for all the scenes that unfold, so when some crash into others it strains credibility.

If only there had been a map included, I might have had a better grasp of how close everyone was supposed to be, and what directions headed where. 

After his family is 'accidentally' massacred by an enraged Paiute, elderly engineer, George (who I think is who Campbell is portraying on the cover) teams up with an ex-army scout Joe (half-Paiute/half-white).

Togther, they seek to thwart the impending war between the natives and the real bad guys, the US Government forces who have just erected a new fort in Paiute land and want to corral the original inhabitants of the land into a reservation (or simply kill them).

The plot is pretty pedestrian, but I couldn't help wondering if the story (which gets quite gung-ho in its finale) wasn't recycled from an old Xena, Brisco County Jnr, or Jack Of All Trades script, because it can't decide if it's cartoon craziness or deadly serious (for instance, the brutal slaying of George's family is quite horrific, but the ultimate fate of the fort's commander almost comes with built-in Looney Tunes sound effects).

A disappointment in the wake of Campbell's excellent series of memoirs, nevertheless Reconcile was a quick read and that freed me up to start Cruise of Shadows.

This is an anthology of weird fiction by Jean Ray, an author I only recently learned about from the Strange Studies of Strange Stories podcast.

I'm two-and-a-half stories in... and it's very weird. But in a good, Lovecraftian way. 

A WESTERN NOVELLA BY BRUCE 'ASH' CAMPBELL!!!

A new arrival for my "to be read" shelf has immediately leapfrogged to the head of the queue, and will be the next book I crack open once I've finished Mark Finn's Fight Card: The Adventures of Sailor Tom Sharkey .

So, what is this tome of great literature, I hear you ask...

It's only a freakin' Western novella written by the B-movie legend Bruce Campbell.

That's Ash from the Evil Dead franchise, Autolycus from Xena: Warrior Princess, Pizza Poppa in Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness, Winkie Gate Keeper in Oz the Great and Powerful, and countless other roles: the most pertinent of which is, possibly, the titular lead in all 28 episodes of the weird western The Adventures of Brisco County Jnr.

This isn't Campbells first book, as he's written a number of humorous autobiographical memoirs, as well as a couple of satirical works and a political thriller.

But this is a Western! 

Released just at the tail-end of the month-long window for the annual June On The Range event, sadly, I didn't learn of Reconcile until too late for that reading challenge.

But, never mind, the 105-page novella is now in my greasy mitts.

The back cover blurb, which is also the promotional text for the book, reads as follows:

"My mother, Joanne, loved the Western genre. She read every Zane Grey novel he ever wrote. I know because I drew stick-figure cartoons in the margins of her massive paperback collection.

"Westerns, by nature, are riddled with clichés – the steely-eyed, unshaven hero protecting innocent pioneers from brutal, unforgiving savages.

"With Reconcile, I tried to sidestep many of the cliché elements we've read or seen in Westerns for a generation. Reality isn't tidy or reliable. Reality has unpleasant circumstances that don't always resolve themselves like they do in the movies. In the heat of battle, the "good guys" and "bad guys" aren't so easily defined.

"In the sprawling history of the American West, I'd like to think a different kind of story was possible, and I hope you enjoy it."

So, do I have a clue what it's about? Nope. But it's a Western... written by Bruce Campbell. That's all I need to know. And that's why it's at the top of my TBR list!

PS. I know the cover looks like AI, but I have read that it is genuine art from a friend of Bruce's that has been "modified" by AI (I guess to put his head on the main character?).

Yes, I think it's disappointing if AI was involved in the production of this cover, even in an apparently, "small" way. Perhaps future editions will feature real, untampered, AI-free art? That would be nice.

Meet The Characters of Little House on The Prairie

Ironclad (2011)

From the moment I stumbled over the intriguing trailers for this mighty mediaeval siege movie I knew I had to see it - totally unaware of the fact that Ironclad is based upon the 1215 siege of Rochester Castle.

Rochester Castle being right on my doorstep (after Tonbridge Castle, which is in my back garden, although doesn't have such a martial history) added a whole new element to this for me - knowing that I could easily go and visit the site where the real events took place.

But even without the local angle, Ironclad is an engrossingly powerful, visceral, bloody, muddy and brutal story that left me physically shaken after it had run its two-hour course.

Having been forced to sign the Magna Carta, King John (an insanely brilliant Paul Giamatti), enlists a horde of Danish mercenaries - led by Tiberius (Vladimir Kulich) - to take back his country and exact revenge on the barons who made him put his name to the "Great Charter".

However, he finds one obstacle in his way, the strategically crucial castle of Rochester on the banks of the River Medway, which bars his path to London.

Holding Rochester is William d'Albini (Brian Cox) and a rag-tag handful of soldiers, including the Knight Templar Marshall (James Purefoy), whoremonger Beckett (Jason Flemyng), cool archer Marks (Mackenzie Crook) and grizzled villain Coteral (Jamie Foreman).

A clever cocktail of the Magnificent Seven and Zulu, Ironclad is must-see material for gamers with its graphic demonstrations of the lethality of various hand weapons as well as its insights into 13th Century siege warfare.

There may be no fantastical, supernatural elements, but this stands high in the ranks of inspirational Dungeons & Dragons movies, for its sheer ballsy brutality and grimy verisimilitude.

It's by no means a historically accurate portrayal of the actual siege, but is gorgeously heroic and incredibly emotional and thrilling nonetheless, with breath-taking performances from all the cast.

Sometimes there is a bit too much "shaky-cam" and the camera can get a bit too close to the fighting on occasions to actually make out what's going on, but these are trivial issues when put up against the brilliance of this movie.

As you may have gathered, I rather like Ironclad.

I was always expecting it to be great - from the sporadic trailers I had seen on the 'net - but it went so far above and beyond my expectations that it would be remiss of me not to insist that everyone who loves low fantasy roleplaying games - or such fare as Game Of Thrones - should watch this as soon as possible.

Know Me, Know My Shelves

Works of, or inspired by, George RR Martin, JRR Tolkien and Jim Henson

Despite the heat wave plaguing our little corner of the world this week, I think I've finished organising my wonderful new bookshelves (put together for me by Rachel's dad last year).

As they are, the shelves are a pretty decent encapsulation of the inside of my brain, focussing on my favourite authors and favourite themes.

From Westeros to the World of Mortal Engines, via the Hyborian Age and Mega-City One, right through to the Planet of The Apes and the Wild West, this is a guided tour of my psyche and my primary, literary gaming inspirations.

Of course, these are not my only book shelves in the house, but are my most recently built and filled.

Pretty sure, now, there's no more room for any more shelves... although there's always room for more books.

Philip Reeve

Conan The Barbarian

Robert E Howard

HP Lovecraft and The Cthulhu Mythos

Westerns - there are more Western paperbacks in another cupboard

Judge Dredd & 2000AD (plus a sneaky little RPG that has yet to find a home)

Planet of The Apes

THROWBACK THURSDAY: Faking Family History

The brave solider poses with his gorgeous wife before heading off to war

Short of the amazing props made by people like the HP Lovecraft Historical Society and the contributors to the fabulous Propnomicon blog, old photographs are among the best tools to add an air of verisimilitude to role-playing games set sometime during the last century or so.

However, not everyone has a family history full of explorers, gunfighters and soldiers and this is where those rare photographic studios that offer 'olde time' pictures come in handy.

With a range of period props and costumes, you can create a slice of history - in sepia - that your family never knew it had... and then use the pictures as the basis for role-playing characters!

Timmy The Flea

Whenever I come across one of these studios, I like to take the opportunity to get dressed up and pose for an old time picture. Not only do these make for interesting 'conversation' pieces when displayed around the home (I'm beginning to sound like an advert!), but they are unique role-playing props.

It's not cheap (the last one Rachel and I had done cost £32 at the National History Museum of Wales around 20 years ago), but then again you don't find these specialist studios in every High Street or on street corners.

We're not talking about those online apps where your head gets badly Photoshopped into a fake film poster; this is the full works, as you can see from my examples above, and each one conjures up a string of stories and possible scenarios.

And I know these days you can do this via AI, but that can be very hit and miss - as well as being ethically dubious.

There used to be a photographic studio in the Trocadero Centre in London, which was stocked with Wild West and gangster costumes (Pete has a picture of him and some friends as 1920's Chicago gangsters in his stairwell), but that closed many years ago.

If you happen to stumble upon one of these places, and are looking for that special prop for your role-playing game, an 'old time' picture is a worthy investment of cash (obviously it doubles as an actual souvenir as well!)... and who doesn't like dressing up every now and again?

Timmy The Flea's Hole-In-The-Head gang portrait

Independence Isn’t Just A Way Of Life

An Atmospheric Western Horror? Yes, Please!

A widowed governess in 1870s Montana Territory searches for her son, who is the latest child to go missing in a rugged mining town.

Western horror The Wolf and The Lamb is due out next month (May), starring Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s Adrianne Palicki, Black Sails' Zach McGowan, and The Yeti's Eric Nelsen.

The Little House Gets A Netflix Upgrade

They left everything they knew for a new life on the prairie. Meet the Ingalls family as they discover what “home” really means. Little House on the Prairie, based on the beloved books, premieres July 9, only on Netflix.

Neither the original TV series nor the books were part of my psyche growing up, so I'm looking forward to finally getting to know the Ingalls.

Marketa Lazarová (1967)

It should be obvious now, if you've read a number of my film reviews, that I have a soft spot for those of a Medieval bent, but have no problem with foreign movies, subtitles, epic durations, black and white, symbolism, non-linear storytelling etc

However, the much-lauded Czech film Marketa Lazarová sorely tested my patience with its plodding, yet rambling, narrative that unfolded at a glacial pace and suffered with a surfeit of "telling rather than showing".

At its core is a basic Hatfield & McCoy feud between two neighbouring clans in 13th Century Czechoslovakia - one headed by the bandit Kozlik The Goat (Josef Kemr), the other by struggling businessman Lazar (Michal Kozuch).

It's a harsh winter, but matters only get worse when Kozlik's family kidnap a nobleman from Saxony, which provokes the King to send his representative to crush the villains and rescue the young man.

Kozlik tries to entice Lazar into siding with him against the King, but when that stratagem fails, Kozlik's son Mikolás (Frantisek Velecký) kidnaps Lazar's virginal daughter Marketa Lazarova (Magda Vásáryová), who had been preparing herself to become a nun.

Bizarrely - in an almost Twilight-like twist of logic - Marketa eventually falls in love with Mikolás and the last third of the movie plays out against the backdrop of their doomed romance.

On paper, the plot sounds quite inspiring and straight-forward, and about 90 minutes in there's a really impressive battle scene when the King's forces, led by Captain Beer (Zdenek Kryzánek), attack the Kozlik hill-top fortress.

But away from this, everything moves so slowly and, even with the frequent "chapter introductions" that are thrown up on screen (as you would find in Victorian novels) to help explain what was going on, it feels as though the story is jumping around - but without any rhyme or reason.

There are also moments of casual European full-frontal nudity and one extended, surreal dream sequence but these just come across as arbitrary and without any real purpose to the narrative.

And it's a 159 minutes long. And you feel every, single minute.

Some of the praise heaped on this film is for its lack of special effects in its fight sequences, but conversely it's worth pointing out that Mikolás has a one-armed brother, Adam (Ivan Palúch), and on a number of occasions you can tell his "lost" arm is simply tucked inside his baggy shirt!

Marketa Lazarová is also quite dark, in appearance as well as tone, often making it difficult to follow what is going on. This also isn't helped by the subtitles - which suffer not only by often being unclear who they are associated with but also I suspect some weak translating along the way.

The occasionally nonsensical subtitles made me strongly suspect that the film makes a lot more sense in its native tongue, if you can remove the barrier of having to rely on someone else's condensed translation of possibly complex or multi-layered ideas.

A number of pretentious and dull film periodicals, which take movies way too seriously, are quoted on the DVD box cover as proclaiming Marketa Lazarová "the best historical film ever made" and "the most convincing film about the Middle Ages made anywhere".

Don't believe them. It may have been when it was made in 1967, but there have since been far better, far more accessible and far less tedious films made about the Middle Ages.

I had been really looking forward to this as I had read such great things about it online, but in the end Marketa Lazarová was a major disappointment and very mundane after the ridiculously inflated praise it has somehow garnered.

SINBAD WEEK: Sinbad of The Seven Seas (1989)

As the original 1947 Sinbad The Sailor movie proved, you can make an excellent Sinbad film without Harryhausen effects as long as you have a great cast and script - Sinbad Of The Seven Seas has none of these.

I guess my spidey-sense should have been tingling by the mere sight of Lou 'Incredible Hulk' Ferrigno grinning on the cover of the DVD case.

And if not then, by the fact that the film opens with a contemporary framing device of an annoying  mother (Daria Nicolodi) reading her equally annoying daughter (Giada Cozzi), Edgar Allan Poe's The Thousand-and-Second Tale of Scheherazade (although Poe's story bears no similarity to this sorry affair).

So far, so Princess Bride. But the narration continues, even as the scene shifts to Sinbad and his multi-racial crew, and then it continues some more and it pretty much never stops throughout the whole movie!

And if that wasn't bad enough, all the dialogue by the main characters has been rerecorded and dubbed over - quite badly and quite obviously.

Not that the actors are that good anyway, nor do they have quality material to work with and little apparent direction from Enzo Castellari, master of the spaghetti western and director of the original Inglorious Bastards.

From start to finish, Sinbad Of The Seven Seas is a dreadful script performed by dreadful actors, with the only comparison I can make being the distinctly British tradition of pantomime. And like pantomime, unless you are under six, Sinbad The Sailor is - in equal parts - likely to bore you to distraction and have you laughing out loud at its awfulness.

The only performer to come out of this with any kudos is John Steiner as villainous vizier Jaffar, clearly the only one in on the joke, who is gloriously over-the-top and arch, switching between delightful smugness and being his own worse enemy. Not only does he tell Sinbad where he has hidden the magic crystals that Sinbad must track down but then, having summoned a magical storm to batter Sinbad's ship, he runs it ashore on one of the islands where some of the crystals are hidden!

Inexplicably Sinbad is joined on his adventures by a Viking (Ennio Girolami), a Chinese soldier of fortune called Samurai (!!!) (Hal Yamanouchi), effete prince Ali (Roland Wybenga) - who is to marry the caliph of Basra's cute daughter, Alina (Alessandra Martines) - as well as a bald chef and a cowardly dwarf called Poochie (Cork Hubbert).

While chasing after the magic jewels that Jaffar has scattered - like a pointless video game - they encounter a number of ludicrous obstacles, most of which are overcome by very bad fight sequences (Sinbad has an odd habit of throwing his sword away and simply wrestling whatever he is facing).

The only scenario that shows a bit of initiative is Sinbad's seduction by Amazon Queen Farida (Melonee Rodgers) and her ultimate comeuppance.

I can't even bring myself to discuss the surreal cameo by bodybuilder Teagan Clive as Jaffar's co-conspirator, Soukra, the S&M dominatrix witch, except to say, like the rest of the film, it will leave you perplexed, bemused and possibly in need of counselling.

Unless you are in a particularly masochistic mood, really love ultra-low budget bad movies or are aged under six, Sinbad Of The Seven Seas is best steered clear of.

DO YOU WANT TO JOIN MY POSSE?

Photo by Alex Moliski

As this new blog continues to grow (out of the detritus and chaos left by my previous near twenty years of blogging), I'm always looking to develop my hardcore band of followers - my posse, if you will.

Look to the right and you will see in the side column (below the current 'featured article') a widget entitled Join The Posse. Under avatars for my current followers is a button marked Follow.

Simply press that and - all being well - your avatar will join the ranks of this group of brave heroes.

I do think you'll need a Google account for this to work (Blogger, after all, is a Google thing).

Not only does this mean, my expertly crafted prose will appear in your Google "Reading List" but it demonstrates to me that you're interested in my waffle and support what I'm doing (without having to part with a single red cent, sign up to a Patreon, or back my Kickstarter).

In recent weeks, the posse has attracted three new members: my good lady wife, Rachel (who blogs about dolls houses at Miniatures Make Me Happy); my dear Canadian friend Norm Collins; and the "witch-king of gaming" Timothy S Brannan (who blogs about roleplaying games and witches, and witches in roleplaying games, over on The Other Side).

You're already here, reading this, so why wouldn't you want to join them?

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The Warrior And The Sorceress (1984)

David Carradine is Kain, a wandering holy warrior (now, where did they get that idea from?), on the dying planet of Ura, which appears to have turned to mostly desert under the harsh twin suns.

Kain finds himself in Yamatar where two rival gangs are fighting over control of the village's only well and the local peasants are suffering in the process.

In a rip-off/homage/remake of the samurai classic Yojimbo (which also inspired A Fistful Of Dollars and Last Man Standing), Kain hires himself out first to one side and then to the other, playing the two gangs off against each other in an escalating cycle of violence.

Caught up in this is the captive "sorceress" Naja (Maria Socas), who shows no evidence of magical ability throughout the movie. In fact the only thing magical about her performance is that for 99 per cent of her time on screen she's topless.

She is, though, ultimately responsible for overseeing the forging of the Sword Of Ura, a magical MacGuffin thrown in for good measure in the film's final act, that appears to have no real paranormal power beyond being quite light weight.

There are also a flat, tentacly monster, a pair of cackling freaks, a pet lizard-creature and some orky-lizardmen slavers who get mixed up in all the shenanigans, to spice up the gang war, but the highlight of The Warrior And The Sorceress for many people is the classic scene when Kain is being feted by one of the crime bosses - Zeg (Luke Askew) - and is entertained by a nude, four-breasted dancer!

Except for the nudity there isn't much to justify the movie's 18-certificate - there's no gore and very little bloodshed, despite the surfeit of sword fights and opportunities for Kain to show off his moves.

The Warrior And The Sorceress is quality entertainment given its 78 minute duration, even if it is truly lacking in the "sorcery" element you really expect from a swords and sorcery movie.

Six Degrees of Separation

The movie Hombre is one of my favourite Westerns. It was recommended to me by a tutor on my scriptwriting degree course (as inspiration for the Western I was writing as part of my finale project).

The movie is based upon a novel by the late and lauded Elmore Leonard.

The other day, randomly, I picked up my copy of Hombre and read the first chapter. This got me wondering what stories were included in the chunky hardback, The Complete Western Stories of Elmore Leonard, which I'd purchased last year.

The book flopped open to a title page I hadn't seen before... revealing that it was signed by Leonard himself.

This made me grin like a loon, as I'm a sucker for such dedications in books. Remember my excitement when I found the signed book in a sale at our local second hand book store.

Being a homebody generally, it's very unlikely that I'll get to pose for selfies with my favourite authors, actors etc

So I prefer "signed items" instead. I have a collection of signed Philip Reeve books (my favourite author) and head shots of stars of Classic era Doctor Who - from Carole Ann Ford and William Russell to Sophie Aldred and Sylvester McCoy. These latter pictures are proudly framed and displayed on the office wall, while my Philip Reeve library has its own shelf in one of the lounge cupboards.   

Back in February, I acquired from an online store (not Amazon) a limited edition (#365 of 750), first edition (with red page edges) of Red Sonja: Consumed by Gail Simone (which was signed by the author).

I was most delighted by this, and then when I shared it on BlueSky, Gail herself replied, hoping I'd enjoy the book.

The other week, a postcard winged its way across The Atlantic, signed by Dungeons & Dragons YouTube "influencer" Ginny Di.

This was a reward for supporting her Patreon (which I've been a member of since 2020).

It wasn't just Ginny's signature - and the details of an enchanted weapon to be used in a RPG - that made this magical though. It was the fact that a postcard had managed to find its way over here to the UK without getting mangled or lost. 

A signature is a sign of caring (I know many things get signed in a production line-like setting, but the fact is the creator is still doing it).

I may spend 90 per cent of my life within the four walls of our house, but receiving a signed item from someone whose work I admire (even it's purely by chance, such as the Elmore Leonard book) is a connection.

At one end of the process, the artist has signed their work and at the other end I get to hold it in my hands and appreciate the time spent both creating their art and signing my book, picture, postcard etc