Hellhounds (2009)

Maybe it's because I'm a sucker for tales of adventurers daring to invade Hell to rescue the soul of a loved one, but - for all its many faults - I found the SyFy monster movie Hellhounds to be strangely enjoyable.

Sure, it appears as though a lot of the props were borrowed from 300 and the dialogue is strangely mannered and stilted in places (I can't decide whether to blame the actors or the scriptwriter's attempts to capture some faux Shakespearean vibe), but it also features an extended dungeon crawl sequence so it can't be all bad.

Directed by Ricky Schroder (yes, THAT Ricky Schroder), Hellhounds is the story of brave Grecian warrior Kleitos (Scott Elrod, the B-movie world's answer to Henry Cavill) leading an expedition into the Underworld to rescue the spirit of his new bride, Demetria (Amanda Brooks).

She was poisoned on their wedding day - by jealous friend Theron (James A Woods - no, NOT that James Woods - who does a good job of channelling a heavy dose of that special Gary Busey insanity).

It's also a race against time as Hades, Lord Of The Underworld, will claim virgin Demetria's soul as his bride in three days time...

Following the directions of a blind seer (Indra Ové), the small group of adventurers, which includes Theron, Kleitos' scholarly brother Nikandros (Adam Butcher), trusted swordsman Andronikus (Andrew Howard) and a handful of anonymous NPC red shirts, head off into the Underworld.

In Hellhounds, the Underworld comes in three forms: the River Styx - basically a stinky obstacle that can be crossed by bribing or tricking Charon (Theodor Danetti, voiced by Arthur Grosser); the surface world, which looks just like "the real world", with clouds, the moon, grass and rocks, simply filmed through a different filter; and the dungeons of Tartarus.

While most of the dungeons are no more threatening than a funfair ghost-ride, Tartarus does have monsters, illusions, trick portals and, as Nikandros points out: "the labyrinth has levels" - which is good enough for me!

However, even with Demetria rescued and the traitor exposed, things aren't going to go easy for Kleitos once he's back in the land of the living - as Hades (Oltin Hurezeanu, voiced by Alain Goulem) sends the resurrected Theron and a pack of hellhounds to reclaim his runaway bride.

On the whole, the performances are okay, nothing exceptional, but nothing so bad as to be risible. 

However, the editing and plotting leaves a bit to be desired - especially when the adventure shifts back to the surface world of faux Ancient Greece (Romania doings its best to stand in there) and people start heading off in one direction, only to return where they had just left the scene before; or characters are mauled by hellhounds and spring back to life, with no wounds, a little later.

The titular hellhounds, though, are possibly the biggest plot hole in the entire movie: the hardiest of warriors run from the sight of them (giant, black dobermans with glowing eyes), and they are frequently called 'unstoppable and unkillable', yet every time anyone actually fights one they go down with a single hit (an arrow, a spear thrust, a sword blow etc).

And when Theron is skulking around in the final act, he is always accompanied by a pair. But when they are felled, suddenly Andronikus knows there's a third one about... even though we've never seen any evidence of it!

It's also worth noting that for a TV movie, there's some quite graphic gore - especially in the Underworld torture scenes - and a fair bit of blood gets slopped around as well.

Definitely one for B-movie connoisseurs or those of us willing to watch any old swords, sorcery and sandals fare for the sake of "research".

"Uneasy Lies The Head That Wears a Crown"

Trailer above for episode four of this season of House of The Dragon, with a couple of spoilerific "making of" pieces below:

Tristan & Isolde (2006)

A modern retelling of an old Celtic tale that was clearly the precursor and blueprint for the Lancelot, Guinevere and King Arthur love-triangle (and also Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet), Tristan & Isolde is a classic story of star-crossed lovers on opposite sides of a bitter and blood thirsty conflict.

After the fall of the Roman Empire, the Irish - led by Donnchadh (David O'Hara) - take advantage of the chaos of the feuding British tribes to seize control of the island.

Years later, warlord Marke (Rufus Sewell) is still trying to unite the various tribes to take a stand against their Irish overlords, with his adopted son, and finest warrior, Tristan (James Franco) at his side.

However through a wildly far-fetched series of incidents (without which, of course, there would be no story), a near-dead Tristan meets, and falls in love with, Donnchadh's daughter, Isolde (Sophia Myles).

She nurses him back to the health, then sends him on his way before her father can find him.

However, Donnchadh devises a cunning plan to keep the tribes at each others' throats that involves a tournament for the hand of his daughter in wedlock.

Tristan is chosen by Marke as his champion. But when Tristan eventually discovers who Isolde is, he is torn by his loyalty and duty to the kindly Marke and his burning passion for Isolde.

An excellent blend of gritty Dark Ages swordplay, Machiavellian politicking and tragic romance, Tristan & Isolde has something for everyone.

Set against wonderfully authentic backdrops, without a hint of CGI, this is a cracking period piece that balances gruesome combat with heart-breaking romance perfectly.

THROWBACK THURSDAY: Education, Education, Education

It should come as a surprise to no one that I wasn't a great student at school, always being way more interested in my own "stuff" (that was, primarily, escapist movies and TV shows, comics, roleplaying games... and, of course, girls).

That's why the Calvin & Hobbes cartoon above (recently stumbled across on Facebook) struck a chord with me as it particularly reminded me of my English A-Level exam, back in 1985.

I was supposed to be writing essays on Charles Dickens's Great Expectations… only I hadn’t read Great Expectations and so, instead, wrote about the works of HP Lovecraft which I was much more conversant with.

I think I'd read, maybe, the first two or three chapters of Great Expectations, got bored and distracted, and picked up a Cliffs Notes on the book (or some study aid like that), scanning that instead, just before my exam.

As my old school chum Nick pointed out though I still passed (I got an E, which I'm pretty sure was lowest pass rank). He suggested that the examiners were "followers of Cthulhu".

Part of my problem with school was simply that I found subjects I really should have been interested in, such as English Language and English Literature, were taught in such a dry, rote manner. We were told that Dickens and Shakespeare were great and we should worship at their feet, but it was never explained why.

Thus, I found the books and plays we were forced to study to be dull and, largely, uninspiring (although the Dungeons & Dragons player in me loved Milton's Paradise Lost, but I don't recall that being part of my A-Level exam).

I was also a bit of a sucker for the works of The Metaphysical Poets, but, again, I don't remember these being part of the final exam.

It seems to have boiled down to anything that I studied for exams left no lasting impression at the time, while literary works I was allowed to explore "for fun" had a much deeper effect on me in those formative times.

It would be many years after school before I actually came to appreciate the works of Shakespeare and Dickens on my own terms (for instance, I now try to read/listen to A Christmas Carol every December).

By the time I went to university, having been in the workforce for a decade, my attitude to education had turned round completely.

I feel that I thrived much better in the university environment... possibly because, on my scriptwriting course, much of my years of accumulated geeky knowledge stood me in good stead. 

It also helped that coming from a very deadline-orientated career (ie journalism) I was easily able to prioritise my assignments and ensure they were done on time, allowing myself the maximum amount of time for fun and enjoyment.

My well-thumbed Penguin book of The Metaphysical Poets.
Guess I really should see if my old school wants it back after 40 years?