The Season Of The Witch (2011)

I'd been awaiting Season Of The Witch to drop onto DVD since I first saw trailers for it in 2011, as it looked to share the grim and gritty stylings of last year's Black Death (with Sean Bean), but with the added bonus of actual monsters for the knights to fight.

And it is like The Black Death - being set around the same time - and even has a whiff of The Name Of The Rose about it, yet despite this - and a reasonably stylish final conflict - there's no escaping the fact that Season Of The Witch is ultimately a very humdrum film.

It's not bad per se (if you like this sort of pseudo-Dungeons & Dragons, medieval adventure romp - which I do), it just could have been so much better.

At times it almost feels as though everyone is simply going through the motions to get the film wrapped up and finished so they can get on and do other things.

Nic Cage and Ron Perlman are a couple of disillusioned crusaders who desert the battle front after being ordered to slay women and children.

On their way home they stumble across a town in the grip of a virulent plague and are charged by the local Cardinal (Christopher Lee) with transporting a young girl (Claire Foy) to a remote monastery, where she can be tried for witchcraft and rituals performed to purge the disease from the land.

At first Nic doesn't believe she's a witch - despite demonstrations of her supernatural physical strength - but as the six-day cross-country journey progresses, and members of their party start being killed, he begins to change his mind.

However, it's not until the group of travellers reach the monastery that the truth of the situation is revealed.

There are some nice touches in Season Of The Witch, with the most important being the undermining of the typical cliché of this genre that the Church has been torturing an innocent girl (because it's not that straight forward and I rather wish more had been made of this during the progress of the story).

However the obstacles the group have to face along the way seem rather underwhelming, despite director Dominic Sena's attempts to up the stakes - the "rickety, old wooden bridge that looks like it won't support your weight" has been done to death (was anyone surprised that it fell apart AFTER they got across?) and what was with the pack of wolves that mysteriously transformed into slightly more aggressive wolves?

Ex-Misfit Robert Sheehan turns in a solid performance as the runaway choir boy who wants to be a knight, Ulrich Thomsen is superb as the grizzled, but reliable, man-at-arms and Stephen Campbell Moore is surprisingly good as the priest Debelzaq, who travels with them. Initially it is clear that we are supposed to see him as the enemy, but as the plot develops and he protects the witch from a summary execution, you realise that he truly believes in justice and not just simple vengeance.

However, it's Cage and Perlman - names I usually associate with memorable performances - that are phoning it in for most of the movie's 90 minutes. And the monsters (even the zombie monks) were rather a case of too little, too late.

MUSICAL MONDAY: Dream A Little Dream Of Me (Li Jun Li)

Li Jun Li's cover version of Dream A Little Dream Of Me, from Spider-Noir, currently streaming on Prime Video.

Spider-Noir Swings Into Action This (Aunt) May

Two Flavours of Spider-Noir For The Price of One

An aging and down on his luck private investigator in 1930s New York is forced to grapple with his past life as the city's one and only superhero.

With no power comes no responsibility. Spider-Noir - a live-action series starring Nicolas Cage - arrives in True-Hue Full Colour and Authentic Black & White May 27 on Prime.

Best Westerns of This Decade (So Far)

The Just Westerns YouTube channel shares a breakdown of its top Western films and TV shows released between 2020 and 2025.

There's plenty of great material here to add to your "must watch" list.

HALLOWEEN HORROR: The Wicker Man (1973)

To balance up the sins of that awful Nic Cage rehash, I thought this was as good a time as any to revisit the peerless 1973 original of The Wicker Man.

Dour, puritanical, West Highland Police sergeant Howie (Edward Woodward) receives an anonymous letter, telling him about the case of a missing girl - Rowan Morrison.

She was supposed to have disappeared on the secluded Summerisle, a remote Hebridean island famed for its popular and unusually abundant fruit produce.

However, when he arrives there, the islanders claim never to have heard of the girl. Even the woman Howie believes is her mother, post mistress May Morrison (Irene Sunter), denies that she's her daughter.

Realising that this investigation isn't going to be an open-and-shut case, Howie takes a room at the island's Green Man Inn, where he meets the landlord's lovely daughter, Willow (Britt Ekland, dubbed by Annie Ross).

Struggling to come to terms with the girl's disappearance evolving into a question of semantics, humourless Howie of the 'fun police' grows increasingly frustrated with the islanders' pagan ways of public nudity, dogging, fertility rituals, singing (there's so many songs in The Wicker Man it could be classed as a musical), dancing etc.

Finding a grave for the missing girl, Howie gains permission from the island's head honcho, the charismatic Lord Summerisle (Christopher Lee), to exhume her body... only to find that Rowan's coffin doesn't contain her body.

As May Day draws near, Howie begins to suspect that Rowan isn't really dead, but being held hostage to be used in a pagan sacrifice to ensure that the island's crops don't fail as they did the year before.

Of course, we all know that the machinations of the islanders are far more sinister than that, leading to the classic - and well-known - climax (that doesn't involve bees).

It was my late father who introduced me to The Wicker Man and therefore it has always held a special significance for me.

I watched the director's cut, which had been shown on Film 4, so it had all the bits that had been cut out of the original release (just in lower quality, which is a shame because it makes those scenes draw attention to themselves for the wrong reasons).

Surely, there must be technology now that could restore these low-quality scenes to the standard of the rest of the film? That would be worth sacrificing a few virgins for, right?

It's been too long since I've seen The Wicker Man, despite it being one of my favourite movies (not just in this genre, but of all-time), and I was reminded just how many moments were lifted from it for the more recent remake... and yet that still managed to get so much wrong.

Not a scary horror per se, The Wicker Man is disorientating and unnerving, and its very lack of overt supernatural elements gives it a terrifying verisimilitude that makes you wonder if perhaps such events could still occur in modern times.

And it's always worth being reminded of this:

HALLOWEEN HORROR: The Wicker Man (2006)

To quote the late, great Edward Woodward from the original Wicker Man:

What have I just watched?

I'm not sure what made Neil LaBute think he could - and should - remake The Wicker Man, one of the finest rural horror movies ever captured on film, or why he thought Nic Cage would make the perfect stand in for Edward Woodward.

Now, I'm a big fan of Cage, particularly when he's allowed to go completely off the hook (cf. Mandy), but in this unnecessary reboot he's kept too restrained and uptight, almost constipated, as the bee-allergic Edward Malus.

A former motorcycle cop, coping with PTSD after he failed to save a young woman and her daughter from a car fire, Edward receives a mysterious letter (hand written with a wax seal and no stamp - so, not strange at all in this day and age) from his ex-fiancée, Willow Woodward (Kate Beahan), telling him that her daughter has gone missing.

Willow's back living on the secluded, private island where she was raised, which, when he gets there, Edward discovers is a farming commune, a matriarchal cult led by the enigmatic Sister SummersIsle (Ellen Burstyn).

Except for Willow, the islanders aren't pleased to see Edward or help him in his investigations, claiming either that Willow's daughter, Rowan (Erika-Shaye Gair), never existed or died in a tragic accident.

Learning that the island is also home to many, many bee hives, Edward gets the general runaround, being led a merry - and totally random - dance by the natives, until the inevitable Wicker Man climax of the piece.

This will come as absolutely no surprise to anyone with even a passing acquaintance with the original (which, like the chestburster in Alien, has become a pop culture meme that reaches way beyond geeks and horror movie buffs).

The use of papyrus font in the opening credits didn't bode well, but I was determined to grin and bear it, to see if this version of The Wicker Man was truly as awful as everyone said.

Honestly, there could have been a half-decent horror film in the bones of LaBute's Wicker Man, if he had had the courage to make it its own thing and shed the allusions to the peerless original.

As it stands, it brings nothing new to the party and elements like the "Easter Egg" of Edward's first name and Willow's surname just come across as a bit crass and heavy-handed (like a big sign saying "oooh, aren't we clever?").

The weirdness of the islanders is so arch and on-the-nose that it's as if Edward has landed  somewhere between The League Of Gentlemen's Royston Vasey and Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, an over-the-top parody rather than a serious attempt to replicate the unnerving and atmospheric horror of the original Summerisle.

The pacing is plodding and pedestrian to begin with, interlaced with some hilariously awful dialogue, as evidenced in the truly bizarre "oh god, not the bees" scene.

And the fact that the film requires an epic infodump in the final sequence to explain to Edward what's happening was the icing on a particularly drab cake.

HALLOWEEN HORROR: Willy's Wonderland (2021)

A nameless, eccentric, taciturn drifter (Nicolas Cage) finds himself stranded in an isolated town, and the only way he can get the cash to pay for his car repairs is by spending the night cleaning the town's derelict roadside attraction, Willy's Wonderland.

Of course, it turns out that there's a catch... of the supernatural kind.

The animatronic creatures of Willy's Wonderland not only come to life after dark, but are hungry.

There are two major factors immediately in Willy's Wonderland's favour: firstly, is there, really, such a thing as a bad Nic Cage movie (The Wicker Man aside, but that's a whole 'nother conversation)?

And, secondly, any film that plays out with Free Bird scores well with me.

However, ultimately, Willy's Wonderland feels like a movie where the idea was better on paper than in its execution.

Cage playing a character that doesn't say a word is an inspired choice, but his performance is surprisingly restrained. 

Even though there's plenty of violent fight scenes, as well as possibly too many of him playing pinball, he lacks the expected memorable physicality of, say, Sailor Ripley from Wild at Heart.

And the plot, itself, isn't really anything that new.

Both the "town that has made a deal with the Devil" and the "murderous animatronics" are well-known horror movie tropes, but Willy's Wonderland plays them both at face value and doesn't do anything that unique or inventive with them.

The backstory to the events that unfold is gruesomely fascinating and there's a definite consistent verisimilitude about the townsfolk and the bargain they have entered into to protect their own, but I kept hoping for more.

Just off the top of my head, on the animatronic side alone, Willy's Wonderland is Child's Play writ large, mashed up with Five Nights At Freddy's, and The Banana Splits Movie.

The 'serial killer cult' (shades of The Following) was a nice touch, but then the lack of distinctly different personalities within that felt like a missed opportunity.

Cage's silence allowed locals to drop exposition on him - and us - quite convincingly. 

However, several of his character's quirks, such as his regular break schedule (whatever else was going on) are left unexplained, almost to the extent of suggesting his character is a blank slate that simply acts as the story demands... kind of like an animatronic amusement park mascot!

Enjoyable nonsense while it's on, Willy's Wonderland isn't a film that's going to be bothering anyone's Top Ten Favourite Horror Movie lists, but is silly enough for a fun, brain-in-neutral, beer-and-pizza film night viewing experience.

HALLOWEEN HORROR: Mandy (2018)

Revenge thrillers are not renowned for their complex plots and they don't come more linear than Nicolas Cage's wonderously visceral Mandy (out on DVD this week).

It's 1983 and grizzled lumberjack - and man of few words - Red Miller (Cage) and his artistic, hippy, girlfriend Mandy Bloom (Andrea Riseborough) live an idyllic life in the wilderness.

Unfortunately, by chance, one day Mandy catches the eye of failed musician and deranged cult leader Jeremiah Sand (Linus Roache).

Sand employs demented biker gang The Black Skulls to kidnap Mandy for his pleasure, but things don't go exactly according to plan, sending Red on an epic, furious, quest for vengeance.

At times feeling like a journey into Hell curated by David Lynch, Mandy is part Apocalypse Now, part Texas Chain Saw Massacre, and part Unforgiven, taking queues from multiple genres as writer/director Panos Cosmatos aims his laser-focus on Red's mythic mission of revenge.

I loves me some weird cult shit and Mandy delivers on that front with The Black Skulls and Sand's Children of the New Dawn, and enough peculiar characters and mannered dialogue to populate a suburb of Twin Peaks.

Startling visuals merge with subtle camera tricks to disorientate the viewer, enhancing our insights into the minds of both protagonist and antagonist, creating an artistic cocktail of psychedelic grindhouse.

Reminiscent of Baskin in its brutal relentlessness, Mandy, however, is more concerned with the human - and occasionally superhuman - monster than the cosmic.

The role of Red is one that only Cage could truly have embodied, segueing from effortless charm to ruthless killer as his descent into madness progresses.

With a running time just shy of two hours, Mandy feels a fraction of that duration thanks to its spectacular pacing and addictive imagery.

The plot may be a short railroad, but the scenery is breathtakingly hypnotic as you are catapulted along this stunning and unforgettable ride.

HALLOWEEN HORROR: Color Out Of Space (2019)

Nathan Gardner (Nic Cage) and his wife, Theresa (Joely Richardson), have moved, with their three children, out of the big city to a secluded farm in the woods outside Arkham, Massachusetts, for a bit of peace and quiet.

Stockbroker Theresa is recovering from cancer and Nathan is trying his hand at becoming a self-sufficient farmer.

However their lives are disrupted when a strange meteorite crashes on their land, polluting the area with a paranormal alien radiation.

HP Lovecraft's original story of The Colour Out Of Space has been adapted many times, but, beyond a shadow of a doubt the latest iteration, from writer/director Richard Stanely, is the most Lovecraftian.

A gorgeous, mind-bending, blend of the cosmic with the body horror of The Thing and Society,  Color Out Of Space focuses on a trapped - and doomed - family, slowly worn down by an unknowable, extraterrestrial invader.

Certainly not for everyone, Color Out Of Space isn't a trashy teen slasher flick with obvious heroes and villains, but a terrifying encapsulation of the central theme of Lovecraft's oeuvre that "common human laws and interests and emotions have no validity or significance in the vast cosmos-at-large".

There is never really any serious suggestion that the alien entity is even aware of the humans it is transforming by its simple presence.

My Copy - Not Used In Any Rituals!

The film bears obvious similarities with 2018's Annihilation, but Color Out Of Space is the stronger work of art by a country mile.

Across the board, the central performances are superb. Nic Cage channels Nic Cage as only he can, exhibiting the convincing levels of madness and sudden rage that he does so well, while The Magicians' Madeleine Arthur is impressive as teen daughter, Lavinia, whose rebellious nature expresses itself through dabbling in witchcraft.

Beyond the gooey body horror, there's some cringe-inducing - but thankfully brief - self-mutilation that might require some eye-covering by those of us with a particular aversion to such things.

As well as rooting the story squarely in Lovecraft country, Richard Stanley has sown his tale with Lovecraftian Easter Eggs, such as the Miskatonic University sweat shirt worn by visiting surveyor Ward (Elliot Knight, sadly no relation) and the tatty, cheap paperback copy - "by Simon" - of the Necronomicon (which we all own) that Lavina consults.

Quite possibly my favourite film of 2020, Color Out Of Space is breathtaking in the audacity of its vision, a modern rendition of a Lovecraft story that truly captures the horror of its set-up and the terror of those trapped within its incidental and inescapable prison.

HALLOWEEN HORROR: Longlegs (2024)

Having demonstrated great intuition shy young FBI agent Lee Harker (Maika Monroe) - who is possibly psychic - is brought over to a unit investigating a serial killer cold case.

Under the guidance of her new boss, agent Carter (Blair Underwood), she is tasked with unearthing what has been missed in a series of family murders linked only by encrypted notes left at the scene, signed Longlegs.

It doesn't take long for the case to heat up again as Harker cracks the code left by the mysterious Longlegs and begins to piece together how he pulls off the killings, without - seemingly - ever actually being at the scene of the crime.

The deeper Harker digs the more she also unearths her own personal connection to the case.

Written and directed by Osgood Perkins (who gave us the visually memorable Gretel & Hansel), Longlegs oozes creepy, claustrophobic atmosphere, but is let down by the need for a big info dump at the end of the second act to explain what has been going on.

This is alleviated to a degree by the film's strong finish, but the damage to its narrative credibility has been done. 

Yet, there are obvious red flags around certain characters that are never addressed up front (which is super obvious when  you realise the protagonists are all trained FBI agents), even though they - unsurprisingly - prove critical to the resolution of the plot.

Ultimately, the 101-minute movie relies more its ability to get under your skin - and into your head - than it does in telling a solid story.

That said, the central performances are superb: from Maika Monroe's Harker, who is clearly on the spectrum and probably autistic (but I'm no doctor), to a heavily made-up Nic Cage's all too brief appearances as Longlegs himself; this is Cage's chance to play his version of Buffalo Bill.

Alicia Witt plays a key role as Harker's possibly unbalanced Bible-bashing mum and I couldn't help but feel old at the fact that Witt - who I used to crush heavily on when she was in Cybill - is now playing  mum roles.

Although there are strong Silence of The Lambs vibes (young FBI agent tracking elusive serial killer) Longlegs is more X-Files than Silence of The Lambs due to the prevalence of supernatural influences around the killer's supposedly Satanic crimes.

Along the way there's a modicum of gore and one big jump scare at a pivotal moment, but Longlegs - like Silence of The Lambs - is a psychological thriller, rather than a slasher flick.

Once everything falls into place, despite being tied up in an unnecessarily complex web of plot threads, I appreciated the innovative idea at the film's heart. Coupled with the sublime acting and unnerving atmosphere, this made Longlegs a decent, if flawed, horror movie. But, sadly, not the classic it could have been... and I was hoping for.