New Sword-and-Sorcery Comic From Conan's Jim Zub

In a dark medieval-fantasy world, a skilled group of warriors and priests from a strict religious order have been tasked with escorting a dangerous prisoner back to the “Fayral”, an untamed primal realm of perilous elemental energy.

Their sacred charge is a mercurial and mysterious princess of the fay folk and, the closer the group gets to the land that powers her magic, the more difficult it will be to complete their quest. Worse still, at each step of this perilous journey secrets will be revealed about themselves and the history of their world that may save or damn them all.

March next year sees the publication of Omen-Bound #1, a new creator-owned comic from fan-favourite Conan The Barbarian scribe 'Grim' Jim Zub. It will be released via Image Comics.

The dark fantasy series was co-created with artist Alberto Alburquerque, while Misty Coats provides the colouring and and Marshall Dillon the lettering.

In his newsletter this week, Jim Zub describes the project as follows:

"Omen-Bound is dark fantasy, mysterious and emotional with an old school Dungeons & Dragons-style ensemble party and evocative narration familiar to readers enjoying my run on Conan the Barbarian.

"To say this is a passion project for our team is an understatement. I can’t wait for you to see how far Alberto is pushing himself on every single page and, when that’s coupled with Misty’s colors and Marshall’s lettering, it really is magic."

Guess this is going on my pull-list then?

Sample Omen-Bound art by Alberto Alburquerque

Hawk The Slayer (1980)

Four essential movies shaped my early Dungeons & Dragons games: namely Jason & The Argonauts from 1963; Sinbad And The Eye of The Tiger (which I saw at the cinema with my parents when it came out in 1977); Ralph Bakshi's 1978 animated (and unfinished) Lord Of The Rings; and the legendary Hawk The Slayer (from 1980).

As with my commentary on The Messenger the other week, all these movies are review-proof in my eyes, and so this isn't going to be a critical hatchet job - instead, it will read more like a hagiography. 

Sinbad And The Eye Of The Tiger, being the first Dungeons & Dragons-y film I saw after discovering the game, was a major source of material.

One of my first characters was actually called 'Sinbad' and most of the ship's crew and other supporting characters from the film appeared as non-player characters at some time or other in my games.

It was also this film which inspired the epic trans-oceanic adventures that young Gublin and I mapped out on seemingly never-ending rolls of paper, making up the islands and continents as our characters' ship discovered them.

As I've already said several times on this blog, it was Ray Harryhausen's stop-motion animation in Jason & The Argonauts (and later in Clash Of The Titans) that really decided the 'look' of Dungeons & Dragons monster fighting (in my mind) for me.

But it was Hawk The Slayer that had the closest overall feel of pure Dungeons & Dragons as we actually played it, even with its micro-budget and B-movie mentality.

As much as I love the movie, I find it difficult to compare to those other three formative cinematic influences - as, to me, they are all perfect.

However, it's easy to see why Hawk The Slayer, in particular, holds a certain cachet with old school gamers.

It has everything a classic game of Dungeons & Dragons requires! The party's charismatic leader Hawk (John Terry who also happens to play Jack's dad in Lost which just adds to the geek cred of the film) has a magic sword and a feud with his one-eyed Darth Vader-like brother Voltan (Jack Palance).

He takes a mission to raise the 2,000 gold pieces needed to ransom an abbess (Victor Meldrew's wife, Annette Crosbie) back from Voltan.

To aid him, Hawk teams up with adventuring friends old and new including a giant (who is basically just the tall bloke from the Carry On films, Bernard Bresslaw), the coolest elf in cinema history (Crow - Ray Charleson - could whoop Legolas any day of the week with his superspeed archery), a dwarf, a one-handed fighter with a machine-gun crossbow and a magic-user called, simply, "Woman" (whose spells strongly resemble smoke, snow and wind machines, luminous ping-pong balls, silly string and assorted 70s disco lighting effects).

Set this all in a land permanently enshrouded in fog, with a funky synth music score and spaghetti western whistly bits; enough name dropping to give the impression of a full-developed country; and more than enough chewy, cheesy dialogue to satiate the diet of both a giant and a dwarf and you've got a "realistic" depiction of 99 per cent of how I viewed every fantasy roleplaying game I played back in the day.

If it isn't already compulsory for those about to start an old school Dungeons & Dragons campaign to watch this film... it should be!

READING REPORT: Not Much To Report

Honestly, I don't know where this week has gone. Have I been so under a cloud and distracted that it has slipped by me?

I know we had games night, I binged the excellent Reacher spin-off Neagley on Prime Video, and Rachel and I have been to the gym a couple of times, but beyond that it's all a bit of a blur.

Somehow I don't think I read a thing this week: no books, no comics... that can't be right, can it?

However, one definite thing I have "achieved" this week is the acquisition - or should I say "reacquisition" - of the Ace edition of the first volume of the epic shared world series Thieves' World, edited by Robert Aspirin.

In recent years I have been able to corral the subsequent four volumes, but this edition (shown above) was a right bugger to track down, especially when operating on a tight budget.

I owned, and read, this edition when it first appeared over here in the UK, almost 50 years ago, and, as much as I enjoyed the roguish, old school Dungeons & Dragons-style adventures within, it was the cover I was besotted with.

It was no surprise that it was also used on the cover of the roleplaying box set based on the book series, and its central city of Sanctuary, that statted up most of the main characters for a multitude of rules systems.

To my simple tastes, this cover painting is - and always will be - the definitive "you begin in a tavern" illustration. If I could start a campaign, or even an adventure, that gave me the same chills as this book cover I'd be a very happy gamesmaster.

Anyway, I came across this well-read but still in magnificent condition, book on eBay the other day and was delighted to see it listed as a "buy it now". You can imagine how quickly I slammed that button when I realised that even with postage this was going to cost me less than a tenner.

It arrived a couple of days later, well packed and ready to be shelved next to my other Thieves' World books (see below).

I'd been holding off trying to read these latter books because I wanted to start at the beginning of the franchise.

Now I can.

A snapshot of one of my sword-and-sorcery shelves

EPISODE NEIN: Jeek and Ye Shall Find

PREVIOUSLY ON OUTGUNNED ADVENTURES: Trapped on a dinosaur-infested desert island in the Hollow Earth (possibly), our heroes engage a squad of Nazi soldiers and scientists, fresh off their U-boat transport, in order to steal (or trash) their "weather control" device.

Dick (Kevin's ex-G-man-turned-private eye) and Freya (Clare's photojournalist) casually questioned the two captured scientists, Mikel and his assistant Hans. After initial resistance, Mikel decided he owed no loyalty to his now-deceased paymasters and sang like a canary.

Admitting he had no idea how the U-boat had ended up in "the hollow earth", he explained that they had been sailing into the Atlantic to test the weather control device, with the plan to eventually disrupt shipping lanes. However, before they even got to test it there was a violent disruption in the sea and they arrived here.

Mikel believed everyone had debarked from the U-boat, except possibly a few engineers, and he also said he had no idea where the map had come from or why it was written in English.

Studying the gorgeous, detailed map, we all realised that we had no idea where we were on it, so as pretty as it was, for the moment it was useless.

The map*

Pete got a giant-sized copy of the map printed for us to fawn over and study

Rather than sitting around waiting to become velociraptor chow, we headed off in the jungle, following the stone path/road that the blue-skinned natives had disappeared down in pursuit of stray Nazis.

Buck (my explorer) took point, followed by Dick, the two scientists (with bound wrists) and Freya bringing up the rear.

Freya pointed out that the road design resembled that of ancient structures seen in South America, rather than the more classical Roman designs of Europe.

We cautiously followed the road for an hour before suddenly ahead of us an enormous feline creature crossed the track ahead of us in the shadow of the overhanging branches. 

Approaching the site, we found it had left a large paw print, about lion-sized, in the mud.

Now even more alert, but getting a bit tired and hungry, we continued until the road curved to the left and Freya heard human voices, conversing in a language she couldn't fully understand. 

While Dick stayed back with the prisoners, Freya and I advanced around the corner to discover a village of Asian design, built around an old crossroads, populated by people who appeared to be from both South America and the First Nations.

The village

Cautious, but friendly, they approached us and Freya - our linguist - was able to explain who we were.

We learned that the village was concerned for a missing young girl, Jeek, and we agreed to help her brothers, Hom and Ket, track her down.

Dick was introduced to the tribe and Freya clarified that Mikel and Hans were members of a "hostile tribe" and our "prisoners of war". They were put in the care of two sturdy matrons and, after a hearty meal, the rest of us headed off towards the ruins that Hom and Ket believed Jeek had been heading towards.

Following a gentle slope, and passing through a sudden monsoon, the entrance to the ruins was easily found, but Hom and Ket refused to go further into the crumbling, overgrown structures because of something they referred to as "the guardian".

Foot prints that could only have belonged to Jeek were spotted, but then - as other prints crossed her path - it became clear that she had started to run and eventually we lost her trail.

Advancing towards what was left of the old buildings, mostly reclaimed by the jungle, we all realised that through the main arch there were strange lights, the sounds of machinery and the faint smell of engine oil.

Entrance to the ruins

Before we could even make it to the archway, we stumbled across a family of enormous land crabs. The The trio of baby crabs scuttled away but mummy and daddy crab weren't so easily intimidated and violently defended their offspring.

Working as a unit**, we managed to - eventually - kill both of these armoured behemoths, and then made our way into the roofless ruins. 

There we discovered the source of the lights was some kind of mystical energy field over one of the main buildings, which is where Freya spotted the ancient, dried-up trail of what might possibly have been a giant slug.

TO BE CONTINUED...

* The map, and illustrations, and adventure come from a new game called Terra Incognita (a Hollow Earth/pulp game using the 5e Dungeons & Dragons mechanics), which Pete has been investing in. 

** For anyone who's kept up with my game-related waffles of late, it should be clear that I'm not a massive fan of dice pool systems and have found OUTGUNNED Adventures, for a game that presents itself as pulpy and rules-lite, to actually be surprisingly crunchy.

However, this month, Pete introduced us to some new talents that allowed our characters to work better with each other. For instance, if Clare failed a roll, she could pass dice on to another player (in our case, Kevin) while I could receive a bonus to my rolls if I saw another member of the group succeed (again, in our case, Kevin) .

Thus, our combats (although these rules can be applied to all skill checks, not just combat) became much more regimented and disciplined as we were all helping each other towards our joint goals.

CAST:

• Buck Hannigan - Me
• Freya Larson - Clare
• Dick Tate - Kevin
• Onyx Jones - NPC

DIRECTOR:

• Pete

Buck & Dick (top) and Onyx & Freya (bottom)

If you want to keep abreast of the action in our current season of Pete's Weird Science campaign (currently using the OUTGUNNED ADVENTURES system from Two Little Mice)
then visit this page to find links to all our previous episodes.

Sword Of The Barbarians (1982)

 
There is something quite delicious about watching a crappy old swords and sorcery B-movie on VHS cassette, that certain - almost illicit - frisson of knowing that this movie is so awful it isn't available in any better format.

That said, Sword Of The Barbarians (aka Barbarian Master aka Sangraal, la spada di fuoco) is a surprisingly decent Dungeons & Dragons-esque quest movie.

Nomad chieftain Sangraal (Pietro Torrisi aka Peter McCoy) is leading his people through the wilderness when they stumble upon a group of villagers under attack.

Driving off the attackers, Sangraal asks to be taken back to their village, where he is greeted by headman Belam (Luciano Rossi aka Lou Kamante) and invited to stay and settle down - much to the delight of his people.

However, word gets back to the villainous Nanuk (Mario Novelli aka Anthony Freeman) - enemy of Belam's people and worshipper of topless fire goddess Rani (Xiomara Rodriguez) - that a stranger has appeared in the valley and has been killing his men.

Rani demands vengeance - so Nanuk launches an attack on the village, capturing Sangraal and forcing him to watch as the village is put to the sword and his wife Lenne (Margareta Rance) is cut down in front of him.

Luckily, Belam's daughter, Aki (Yvonne Fraschetti), escapes the massacre with the aid of wandering Easterner, Li Wo Twan (Hal Yamanouchi aka Al Huang), and they free Sangraal.

Sangraal's first thought isn't revenge - he wants to restore Lenne to life, which Aki (who has the hots for Sangraal) says is impossible.

Twan, however, reckons the wise man of The Black Mountains, Rudak (Massimo Pittarello), might know how to do it.

On the journey to Rudak, the trio are attacked by useless bandits, waylaid by the least-threatening sandstorm in cinematic history and finally driven into an underground cave system by a host of extras from Life Of Brian, where they meet some amusingly lame subterranean reptile people.

Finally getting to Rudak, the wizard tells Sangraal that Aki was right and he can't resurrect Lenne, however if he wants to get revenge on Nanuk and Rani he needs to travel west for three days into a forest where he'll find a cavern containing The Ark Of Templars and in that he will find the instrument of his revenge.

It might be worth pointing out, if you haven't picked up on it already, that Sangraal is another, archaic, name for the Holy Grail. 

There's some shenanigans in the forest with a tribe of monkey-people, who are in league with Nanuk, but eventually Sangraal finds the cave he was looking for - which happens to be guarded by another topless goddess (Sabrina Siani) who our hero only manages to overcome with the aid of Rudak.

In the Ark is a humongous crossbow, but by the time Sangraal retrieves it, Nanuk has captured Aki and whisked her back to his own luxury cave where she is held hostage, as naked bait to draw Sangraal in for his final confrontation.

Much fighting ensues and in the end, once he has seen Aki's boobies, Sangraal has forgotten all about his beloved Lenne and found romance in the ample bosom of Aki.

Sword Of The Barbarians is a strange cocktail of Deathstalker and Hawk The Slayer and while not reaching the heights of excellence of either of these legendary movies, it manages to survive translation from Italian and rebranding as an American flick remarkably well.

Large quantities of low-lying smoke in many parts of Sangraal's land made me wonder if it was close to Hawk The Slayer's Realm and Mario Novelli, with all his mwahaha-ing, scenery-chewing and histrionic proclamations is clearly channelling Jack Palance's Voltan, as the barbarian's barbarian, Nanuk.

The presence of a random Easterner is never really fully explained and, unfortunately, the character of Twan quickly deteriorates in to a fortune-cookie-proverb-spouting stereotype whose ramblings eventually prompt Sangraal to cut him off. A harsh word that comes back to haunt him - and suggests that maybe a bit more thought went into this script than you'd expect from this style of movie.

While the creature effects (the 'lizard people' and the 'monkey-men') are very basic, the frequent fight scenes are an odd mix of cheap gore and bloodless acrobatics - yet surprisingly entertaining for a trashy, low-budget swords and sorcery piece.

If you can find Sword Of The Barbarians I definitely recommend checking it out.

It's not Robert McKee or Syd Field, but if you give the script a chance you'll find it hangs together very well and gamers will appreciate the pure Dungeons & Dragons-ness of the whole ensemble (torch-lit expeditions in underground cave systems, monsters, pit traps, magic etc).

Sword Of The Barbarians doesn't aspire to be high art and embraces its sub-Conan silliness without resorting to slapstick or knowingly undermining its world view.

Give it chance - you never know you might be as enchanted by it as I was.

Eragon (2006)

In a magical world where dragons are the suppressed symbol of a better age, why does no one spot that the name of a simple farm boy (Ed Speleers) is simply "dragon" with the first letter bumped to the next in the alphabet: Eragon?

It also manages to sound as close as possible to Aragorn (the most famous of fantasy heroes?) without risking a lawsuit from the Tolkien Estate.

Although I'd imagine it would be the Lucasfilm lawyers knocking at the door first as the script is pretty much a reskinning of Star Wars with Eragon as Luke, Brom (Jeremy Irons) as Obi-Wan, Uncle Garrow (Alun Armstrong) as Uncle Owen, the evil king Galbatorix (John Malkovich) and his wizard Durza (Robert Carlyse) as The Emperor and Vader, the captured Princess Arya (Sienna Guillory) as Leia, the rebel Varden as... well, The Rebels; I think you get the picture by now!

Even the supernatural power of The Force is personified by Eragon's CGI dragon Saphira (voiced by Rachel Weisz) - and Eragon's innate dragon-magic (plot-wise, Saphira also doubles as the Millennium Falcon and the plans to the Death Star!)

There are places where some of the less abysmal dialogue and scenes feel like they are lifted directly from George Lucas' Original Trilogy, with just a few minor tweaks - from magic that "flows through" and "unites" a dragon and its rider to Durza killing an unsuccessful 'boss' minion then promoting one its colleagues into its place.

As there is no Han Solo analogue in the movie at this stage (don't worry, Garrett Hedlund's roguish Murtagh - who has a very Star Wars-y secret of his own - reveals himself a short time later), Durza tortures the Princess to send a 'false' telepathic 'distress call' to trick Eragon into facing him - think Vader on Cloud City in The Empire Strikes Back - even though Brom (now in Yoda mode) tells the young farm boy he's not yet ready to face Durza.

And when Eragon busts the Princess out of the Death Star holding cell... er... Durza's castle, naturally Obi-Brom has to give his life so that the others can escape (although his death scene is more drawn out).

Not only is Eragon unoriginal, it is badly written (for instance, about half an hour in, Jeremy Irons makes an expositional speech that repeats the useful infodump delivered in the movie's stilted voice-over introduction) and the acting ranges from scene-chewingly hammy (by the established names in the cast - collecting their pay cheques and getting out as soon as possible) to simply bad (by everyone else, particularly from young Eragon himself).

Rather oddly, very early on, talk is made of there being elves and dwarves in the kingdom - but they never actually appear on screen, so you have to wonder why they were brought up in the first place?

On a positive note, the film looks great - the Eastern European scenery is spectacular, the costumes and weaponry are well crafted and the critters are suitably Dungeons & Dragons-y - but such little effort has been made to conceal the source material being plagiarised that the film's best use is as a "spot the Star Wars analogy" drinking game.

And like so many fantasy modern films that have tried to emulate the success of Star Wars, but failed to learn how to do it properly, Eragon finishes mid-story, expecting a sequel to be guaranteed.

Of course none was forthcoming, leaving many plot threads dangling and certain characters totally superfluous! 

My Thoughts on RPG Experience Points

Picture Credit: KindelMedia

While I'm no fan of "heavy crunch" at the table when it comes to gaming, I absolutely love doing math away from the table when I'm running a game.

Particularly when it comes to calculating experience points, and seeing that moment when player-characters "level up" and improve.

I've heard a lot of whining about this topic of late, but generally from the point of view of giving the players extra bookkeeping ("home work") to do.

But I've always been of the opinion, when I'm in charge of a campaign, that it's my responsibility as gamesmaster to calculate the experience points earned from a session, log them myself, and share the results via an email or campaign blog.

I, honestly, get a thrill from seeing how each individual player-character advances differently through a campaign (but then I am a bit of a stats nerd). 

I also, strongly, believe that experience points gained should be on a personal basis - meaning everyone gains experience based on their own character's actions in the game.

For example, if a party overcomes an opponent by luring it into a trap, the experience points  for defeating the monster should be split between them, but the person - or persons - who came up with the plan should get a bonus on top of that.

My understanding of the current D&D approach to experience is not only is there a unified level table for all the classes, but generally everyone levels up at the same time and pace.

That's on a par with "participation ribbons" for me. 

People simply don't learn and grow at the same rate. I was never particularly academically gifted at school (spending too much time daydreaming, dodging lessons, and thinking about roleplaying games, comics, and girls), but I bore no ill towards those who did achieve things, win awards etc 

It would have been an incentive for me to try harder... if I could have been bothered.

If everyone gets the same rewards whether they turn up or not, where's the incentive to turn up?

To be honest, I would consider docking a player's character experience if they failed to show up to an agreed gaming session (I'm also not a fan of forcing the players who did bother to turn up to run the absentee player's character by committee).

It's hard enough organising a get-together of mature gamers in the first place (herding cats is the perfect analogy), so a player certainly shouldn't gain any mechanical benefits from the evening they missed.*

Experience points are about more than simply killing monsters (and stealing loot), it's an abstract measure of the life the character has lived during that session, the lessons learned, the sights seen, and so on.

Check out this particular ruling from the Arduin Grimore on awards for completing missions.

Everyone "experiences" these things differently and thus they grow, and improve their skill set, at different rates.

* Obviously, often there are valid reasons (work, illness, family emergency etc) for a player's absence.

Pitfall (2025)

A dysfunctional groups of friends go hiking in isolated, mountainous woodland and find themselves being hunted by a mysterious psychopath.

And that's about it, plot-wise, for Pitfall.

The Hunter (Randy Couture) has no apparent motive or technique for this cruel and murderous behaviour, which really should have been rule number one for writer Victor Rose and director James Kondelik. Even Michael Myers - the least interesting and most overhyped slasher in cinema history - has a clear motive and backstory.

Meanwhile, our protagonists are a generally unlikable quintet of barely two-dimensional walking clichés making a series of dumb decisions that leads to a number of them dying horribly and some surviving more by luck than judgement.

Scott (Marshall Williams) and Ashley (Alexandra Essoe) are estranged brother and sister, having fallen out over a car crash that led to the death of their parents, in which Scott chose to rescue Ashley instead of their mum.

The siblings have brought their partners with them - Gwen (Jordan Claire Robbins) and Charlie (Matt Hamilton), who presents himself a bit of an outdoorsman.

Also along for the fun and frolics in Scott's old friend Lars (Richard Harmon), who starts off as a bit of a dick, but actually develops into the closest this film has to a decent character.

After probably hours of driving, they get to the parking area in the forest, disembark and then have all the 'getting to know you' conversations that real people would have had on the journey there.

This was an immediate red flag to Paul and I, watching the DVD as one of our 'film night' specials, that this film was not going to go well.

In fact, as it went on we were constructing our own story, with twists and tricks we thought the filmmakers might be using to make Pitfall something special. But it turned out we were giving it way too much credit.

The first evening our 'heroes' are camping, Scott and Charlie go off to catch some fish or something, but then get distracted - and a bit lost - on the way back to camp and end up getting chased by hungry wolves (did anyone research this area before deciding to go camping there?)

I have to point out here, the wolf chase was hilarious as there was clearly no way these blokes were going to outrun the wolves - at one point a wolf is about two or three feet behind one of the runners and logically it should have all come to a grisly end moments later.

But this bizarre temporal logic was nothing compared to the central flashback scene of the death of the siblings' parents, which for inexplicable reasons played out like a gag from a Naked Gun movie. 

In thick fog, their car had crashed on a country road after a deer sprang out of the woodland and smashed through the windscreen. 

Scott managed to free himself, but noticed a truck barrelling down on them. Remember the thick fog? The lorry must have been close enough for Scott to see it, yet he still has time to try and free his sister (who is, apparently, blinded by shock and can't operate the seatbelt), then try and rescue his mum, who is stuck because of the caved in passenger-side door.

His mum then has time to deliver a really lengthy monologue on why he should rescue his sister. Then he goes to do just that. And throughout all this, the camera keeps cutting back to the lorry driving hell for leather towards them (and yet, seemingly, not actually getting any closer).

But I digress - back to the slow-wolves: Scott gets separated from Charlie and falls down a classic Dungeons & Dragons ten foot pit, with punji stakes at the bottom. One of which impales Scott's leg, trapping him there.

Now, jumping sideways to The Hunter's motivation again: these pits - and there are several scattered around the forest, as Lars had nearly fallen in one earlier - must have taken a hell of an effort to dig out on his own (and dispose of 10 cubic foot of soil each time).

Overthinking this - and at one stage Paul and I, thanks to the often perplexing direction, felt that The Hunter was in two places at once - we were convinced that there were two Hunters.

Meanwhile, as all this is going on, there are a couple of other random hottie hikers being chased by The Hunter. This pair eventually come into contact with our heroes only to be reduced to characterless meatsacks for The Hunter to squish to keep the film's protagonists alive, while still upping the gore quotient. 

I think Scott stuck in the pit is supposed to be a central part of the movie, but because he can't just talk to himself when the focus shifts back to him, he has to start hallucinating and that's when the film gets even more ridiculous.

Beyond the killer's motivation - or seemingly lack thereof - there's so much in Pitfall that just doesn't work. It seems that days are passing, from the glimpses of daylight between the "more atmospheric" nights, but there's no real sense of the passage of time.  

There are moments including a secondary character (a small girl, who is actually a boy) that may be a decade or so earlier. Only by later looking at the captions under the pictures in the IMDB listing for the Pitfall did I realise that he was a boy (Chance Orion Wood) and had grown up to be the bearded Hunter.

Although, we had suspected this, it wasn't clear at all in the material we were presented with onscreen. Especially as we'd both just taken the child to be a young girl.

Given the frequent shots, early on, that obscure the face of The Hunter, one of the twists that Paul and I had - incorrectly - predicted was that the Hunter was, in fact, a woman (the "girl" all grown up). 

Although, Pitfall opens in media res with a woman and her child being forced into a punji trap by a her husband, a hunter, in the woods, it's never explained what's actually going on with the young kid and why they turn into the character who stalks random people in the forest for years.

For what it's worth, both Paul and I have degrees in Scriptwriting for Film & TV and had we been analysing Pitfall back in the day, as part of the course, I reckon we could have each written books on what's wrong - or isn't adequately explained - in this movie.

Often unintentionally funny, confusingly directed, and with generic protagonists and antagonist, there's ultimately little to recommend Pitfall except for its suitability as some kind of drinking game.

The Eight Factors I'm Looking For In My 'Holy Grail' RPG

The idea of a 'holy grail' of roleplaying games is, of course, ridiculous, given the general fickle nature of gamers and how easily distracted we are by the next shiny thing coming down the pike.

Nonetheless, I have drawn up a short list of mechanical elements that I look for in potential 'holy grail' game systems (rather than setting etc) of the old school Dungeons & Dragons persuasion, to help curb my wandering eye a bit.

Some of these (such as the funky dice requirement) are purely aesthetic, but I love my dice collection and it's always sad to have to leave most of them gathering dust.

The emphasis on simplicity in my list also means the game is likely to be simple to hack, but conversely I'd also like to find a game that doesn't actually need to be tinkered with... too much!

I also like games systems where characters feel - at least, initially - as though they are in danger. Too much, freely available, healing magic dispels this "gritty" mood, in my opinion, and makes games feel too "cosy". I want players to feel that their characters' successes were really earned, rather than predestined or simply handed to them on a plate.

Some of my aspirational elements for a "holy grail" game come about because of the structure of our games group.

The Tuesday Knights meet only once a month, for a few hours, so I don't want to be running a mechanics-heavy game where a single combat could possibly last longer than one of our games' sessions!

Further to that, I don't want a game so fiddly and complex that we have to keep referring back to the rules books during the game. Not only does this slow everything down, but it also breaks the rhythm of the game and continually takes you out of the 'moment'.

As part of this, I'm always looking out for straight-forward dice mechanics, using either a single die (e.g. d12 for Twilight Sword or d20 for most D&D-inspired games) for skill checks/combat resolution etc or two, such as the great 2d6 system for Traveller-style games.

At the other extreme,  I want to avoid clunky dice pools (whether you're adding the scores, looking for certain numbers, or grouping them by result). This popular mechanic, in my experience, slows fast-moving games to a frustrating degree, especially in mass combat or repeated skill check situations. 

Anyway, here's my list of "holy grail" factors for old school, Dungeons & Dragons-style gaming:

1. Must use multiple polyhedrals, the full spectrum of funky dice (not just d20 & d6)

2. Ascending Armour Class

3. DM able to summarise monster stats in a line or two

4. Race and class (not race as class)

5. Levels and experience points

6. Limited magic and healing (probably no clerics at all) 

7. Speed & Simplicity of play

8. Survivability of 1st Level characters

These are the things I look for in a fantasy tabletop roleplaying game, what are the 'under the hood' elements that can tickle your fancy?

No Reading, Just Reacher

 

My reading plans for this week took a bit of a hit after I (belatedly) started watching Reacher on Prime Video and was instantly hooked.

I've now binged the first three series and the available episodes of the current season, which started 10 days ago.

Jack Reacher is a former special investigator for the military police who now wanders America getting drawn into resolving sticky situations. Built like a brick outhouse, in Dungeons & Dragons terms Reacher has no dump stat.

Essentially a superhero (antihero?) without a costume or powers, Reacher is played by Alan Ritchson, who has form in that genre having portrayed Aquaman in Smallville and Hawk in Titans.

Reacher's - usually ultraviolent - extralegal solutions to problems are a cross between Don Pendleton's Mack Bolan, Robert E Howard's Conan The Barbarian, and The Punisher, aided by the investigative chops of Batman.

Occasionally cheesy, but more often darkly humorous (thanks in large part to Ritchson's deadpan performance) or simply dark (it can go places some people might be uncomfortable with), the show has turned out to be of a modern pulp masterpiece, an engrossing thriller with a highly charismatic lead and well-structured mysteries.

The creation of author Lee Child, there are over 30 novels (and counting) in the series. Given that each season of the Prime Video show is based on a single book, that's a lot of material to keep this show going.

For those, as I was, not au fait with Reacher, here's the trailer for the first season:

And, coincidentally, just as I've binged every episode of Reacher, Prime Video has dropped a trailer for a spin-off show, focussing on the amazing character, Neagly, Reacher's only real friend and former army buddy who now occasionally helps him out as a private investigator.

I can't think of a better way to expand this "universe" as Maria Sten's hypercool performance as Frances Neagley stands shoulder-to-shoulder (not literally) with Ritchson's Reacher whenever she makes a welcome appearance in the mother show.

Neagley debuts on Prime Video on September 16 on ‪Prime Video‬.

Now that I've caught up with Reacher, I can resume my reading regime. I'm still only half-way through the excellent Viking horror Draugr and I have a stack of new comics that were delivered from Paradox the other day.

Latest shipment of new comic books

Chop First, Axe Questions Later

In an homage to SEGA’s iconic 1989 video game, Golden Axe follows legendary warriors Ax Battler, Tyris Flare and Gilius Thunderhead as they reunite to save Yuria from the evil giant Death Adder, who just won’t seem to stay dead.

Their quest is complicated by Hampton Squib, an inexperienced and wildly underprepared adventurer whose dream of heroism far exceeds his abilities. Forced to work together despite their flaws, they must find a way to stop Death Adder once and for all.

Never heard of this supposedly "iconic" video game, but the trailer gives the impression that this might be quite good. It has a definite "played Dungeons & Dragons" vibe about it.

Golden Axe premieres September 16 on Paramount+

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO THE TUESDAY KNIGHTS!!!

Today is the 18th anniversary of our gaming group, the Tuesday Knights. Our first meeting took place in the dining room of our old house on August 19, 2008, when I ran the debut session of a Castles & Crusades campaign for Nick, Pete, and Clare.

This was the first role-playing game I'd actually run for over a decade. I'd bottled out of running games several times since I'd come out of hospital in 2005 and was still very anxious about whether my health (both physically and mentally) would be up to the challenge.

In retrospect, one of the biggest mistakes I made in those early days was getting distracted by the "new shiny", switching systems to Labyrinth Lord and then grinding the game into the ground, so someone else had to run something instead.

If I could travel back to 2008, I'd tell my younger self to have faith and stick with Castles & Crusades. Who knows, if that had been the case, would we still be playing that campaign now? How incredible would that be?

In the 18 years since that fateful day, our pool of potential players has blossomed, while Pete, Clare and I remain the consistent core. We were joined by Kevin, who has become another constant around the table, Steve, Simon, Meredith, Erica, Mark and, most recently, Mark's daughter, Rebecca.

While other demands on their time have seen Nick, Steve, Simon, Meredith, Erica  and Rebecca step away from the group, and Mark has temporarily had to retire on health grounds (but is very keen to return), we still manage to corral a solid core of four people for our monthly sessions.

Despite the collapse of that original campaign, I did manage to run a three year fantasy campaign using Heroes and Other Worlds (a modern reworking of the classic GURPS-adjacent Fantasy Trip system), which ended with the destruction of the world.

Pete ran a number of Top Secret espionage games, Meredith presented us with a wholly homemade World of Warcraft adventure, Simon saw us right up to the gates of Castle Ravenloft in his 5e D&D Curse of Strahd campaign (which went 'online' during the COVID pandemic), Clare's run some memorable indie one-shots, and the other year Mark scared the bejeebers out of us with his self-penned Call of Cthulhu rural horror adventure.

In between these I've tried to run some other games, but they've invariably crashed-and-burned because of my insecurities, self-doubt, and limited attention span.

I'm hoping that, after my two recent debacles (with Shadowdark and Villains & Vigilantes) I've finally learned enough that when I'm next allowed to sit behind the gamesmaster's screen I'll be able to keep the train on the tracks.

However, our most enduring game has been Pete's "weird science" pulp adventure campaign that started as a 1950's "Atomic Horror" campaign using GURPS, then time-slipped to the 1930s for an epic Hollow Earth Expedition run, before, at the end of last year, switching systems again to Outgunned Adventures for more Indiana Jones-style shenanigans.

We are currently - as of last night - eight sessions deep in this second season of Pete's long-running campaign.

And through all this, my rock and number one cheerleader has been my wonderful non-geeky wife, Rachel, who may not get the delights of roleplaying games, but understands how important they are to me.

Every month she cooks our group pizza, serves up drinks, and joins in the pre-game banter as we all catch-up on whatever is going on in our lives.

Last year's gaming plans were largely scuppered by my back problems (which turned out to be osteoarthritis), but as far as interfering with my hobbies that's behind me now (see what I did there?).

This year has seen us return to the rhythm of regular gaming which will hopefully run for the foreseeable future.

Attack Of The Gryphon (2007)

Attack Of The Gryphon - or just Gryphon, as it is known in some quarters - is an American TV movie about two feuding kingdoms in the Land of Vallon that discover they need to work together to overcome a common foe.

Buffy's Amber Benson is Amelia of Lockland, a rugged, tom-boyish princess in the Joan of Arc mould, who has to team up with Prince Seth of Delphi (played by Jonathan LaPaglia, the younger brother of familiar TV face Anthony LaPaglia).

They are on quest to bring down the traitorous sorcerer Armand (Larry Drake, another familiar face - probably best remembered as L.A. Law's Benny Stulwicz), former counsellor to the King of Lockland, who has taken control of the kingdom's magical protector (a gryphon) and is using it to bring both warring kingdoms under his power.

If you can look past the feeble CGI used to give life to the gryphon, the bewildering array of accents and acting talents of the numerous performers and the obvious debt the film owes to such better known movies as Lord Of The Rings, it actually isn't that bad.

The script makes a half-decent effort at putting a fresh gloss on old clichés and while it doesn't always succeed, Benson's spunky Amelia and LaPaglia's rugged Seth are charismatic enough leads to carry the audience along... if they are willing to go on the journey.

While physically Benson is a surprising match for the role, initially it appears as though she is auditioning for a school play with her over-earnest line deliveries, but once out on the quest she settles better into the role.

Evil Armand, assisted by his two bizarrely-attired 'brides', uses more actual magic in this short film than Gandalf does in the entire Lord of The Rings trilogy and I suspect his 'magical slap' spell is employed using some kind of Dungeons & Dragons Fourth Edition 'at will' power, because he uses it a lot to smack our heroes and their sidekicks around in the climactic confrontation.

There's some romance, magical duels, an animated statue (obviously an actor painted grey) and even an actual, genuine, underground dungeon crawl sequence - with traps and treasure - that made the whole enterprise shine in my eyes.

Sadly, the treasure at the end of this dungeon crawl, the blade of the legendary Draconian Pike, looks very plastic - almost like one of those cheap kid's swords you find in pound stores - which rather undermines the gravitas of the moment.

Attack Of The Gryphon is only 90 minutes long and while not the 'epic' the DVD packaging proclaims, it's still a lot better than a vast swathe of the fantasy fodder that came out in the wake of Peter Jackson's Lord of The Rings.

For the fantasy roleplaying gamesmaster looking for an inspirational 'pick-me-up', it's a worthy investment of an hour and a half of your time.

The Last Legion (2007)

When you least expect it, a great treasure suddenly surfaces. The Last Legion is both a cracking swords, sandals and 'sorcery' film and a fine representation of my eternal quest for traces of Dungeons & Dragonsyness in movies.

From Ben Kingsley's Jedi/trickster/retired adventurer Ambrosinus to the young Emperor's magic sword, this is pure fantasy adventure, done with great style and all-star cast.

Thomas Sangster (from Doctor Who: Human Nature/Family Of Blood) is Romulus, declared Emperor of Rome the day before the Goths invade and take over.

He is captured, along with Ambrosinus and it's up to Legion Commander Aurelius (Colin Firth) and his rag-tag group of surviving legionnaires - plus beautiful Indian warrior-woman Mira (Aishwarya Rai) - to go and rescue him from his island prison in Capri.

Then things get worse and the group find their only possible allies are the forgotten Ninth Legion in Britain and have to make tracks for Hadrian's Wall... which they discover abandoned; the legionnaires have "gone native".

However the Goths - under the command of wicked Kevin McKidd (later to be Lucius Vorenus in Rome) - are on their trail and have teamed up with British warlord Vortgyn (Harry Van Gorkum) who wants the Emperor's magic sword so he can rule the country.

A lot of people dismissed this great little action-adventure flick because it was not "historically accurate", but since when has every single film been required to educate as well as entertain?

Was Gladiator a historical documentary? Or Clash Of The Titans a study of ancient Greek history ? Or The Good, The Bad And The Ugly an accurate portrayal of life in the Old West?

The Last Legion sets itself up as a prequel to the legendary Arthur myth cycle - which itself is not exactly history, but mostly make believe and symbolism - and that's where the film does make its one error of judgement.

It may be stylistically 'cool' to end with the Emperor's sword (Excalibur) wedged in a stone, covered in moss, waiting for the "rightful ruler" to pull it out... but that wasn't Excalibur!

Arthur was given Excalibur later by the Lady In The Lake...

But that's just geeky silliness, it's like quibbling over the detailing of the armour or the choice of weapons.

The fact is The Last Legion is a cracking adventure flick for all the family and a fine piece of sword and sandal nonsense for any geek worth his salt.

THROWBACK THURSDAY: HAWK THE SIGNATURES!

Earlier this year I talked about the magic of signed items, but among my small collection of such I have an old paperback that I now consider priceless.

Here follows the two-stage yarn of what makes it so.

First, we must travel back through the mists of time to 2011, when rumours started circulating that the writer/director of 1980's Hawk The Slayer (the greatest Dungeons & Dragons movie of all time), Terry Marcel, was - finally - seeking funding for the long-awaited sequel, Hawk The Hunter.

Sadly, we know what became of that, but I'm jumping ahead.

Although my memories of what transpired are hazy these days, I know that because I had written voluminously and passionately about Hawk The Slayer online for years I somehow got in contact with one of the producers for the planned sequel.

And he offered to get my old copy of the novelisation (which Terry was also co-author, with script partner Harry Robertson, of) signed by Terry Marcel himself.

I'll confess I was anxious about mailing the book away. Purchasing it when I was a youngster is one of my few, remaining solid memories from those days. 

But the producer was true to his word and got Terry to sign it. Not just sign it, as you can see above, but also inscribe the opening text of the movie.

Then, four years later, in the build-up to the film-funding Kickstarter, my producer-contact wove his magic again, asking me if I'd like the coolest elf in cinema history, Crow aka actor Ray Charleson (pictured below, holding The Mindsword), to also sign my book?

Again, I was slightly anxious about mailing the book off. Not that my contact wouldn't come through, but that something would happen to it in the post.

And, again, I needn't have worried. Everything went as promised.

As I said  earlier, my memory may not be what it used to be, yet I can still vividly recall buying that book in WH Smiths in Tunbridge Wells. It was dark and I'd popped in after school on the way to catching the bus home. I was 15 and the book cost the grand sum of one pound.

Who'd have thought that one day it would be priceless?

Knights Of Badassdom (2013)

Knights Of Badassdom exists in a mystical confluence, equal parts Monty Python & The Holy Grail, Animal House, Galaxy Quest and Evil Dead but never quite rises to the brilliance of its forebears.

Having just been dumped by his girlfriend, wannabe doom metal singer Joe (True Blood's Ryan Kwanten) is 'kidnapped' by his two best friends - hardcore LARPers Eric (Steve Zahn) and Hung (Game Of Thrones' Peter Dinklage) - to the site of their next big event, The Battle Of Evermore.

Joe is reluctantly talked into joining the Live Action Role Playing game - helped by the presence of the lovely Gwen (Firefly's Summer Glau) - but, unfortunately, in his quest for authenticity Eric has purchased a magical tome off eBay that turns out to be a long lost book belonging to the famous Elizabethan sorcerer John Dee.

When Eric reads a page at random as a mock spell, he unknowingly summons a succubus from Hell that proceeds to feed on the souls of the LARPers.

Soon after that Joe and Gwen realise that people are dying for real and take up arms to strike back at the monstrous demon and try to save their friends.

Knights Of Badassdom starts very promisingly, with plenty of loving nods to both LARPing and Dungeons & Dragons (this certainly isn't a piss-take of geekdom), but once the horror aspect enters the mix, the film doesn't really know where to go.

Now, I'm pretty certain that I read a ways back that this release of the film was not the director's vision of the story but a cut put together by the producers. This might explain the feeling that after a while the story is just spinning its wheels.

What starts off as belly-laughing funny (very much in the style of The Big Bang Theory, but with more swearing) that had me thinking this might one day equal The Holy Grail as geeks' go-to game quote movie eventually lapses into mildly amusing, by-the-numbers fare.

There are plot holes a-plenty and a lot of undeveloped characters (for instance, what was the deal with the redneck paintballers and their major hate-on for the LARPers? Outside of explaining why the police didn't turn up at the camp site when the slaughter began, they were totally redundant to the plot), which again suggests to me a retrospective recutting of the film, for whatever reason, making do with what footage was on-hand.

Don't get me wrong, it's good and certainly clever in parts, but there's an inescapable feeling that it could have been much better. There are some great characters, and great "in-story" world-building by the LARPers, but it all degenerates into a big slugfest with a rubber-suit monster.

Depending on your mood - and your attitude to random absurdity in movies - the climax of Knights Of Badassdom will either have you smirking at its ridiculousness or reaching for the remote control to turn off the television.

It's such a shame because I genuinely believe this could have been - if done right - a cult classic. As it is, I fear it will simply be swept under the carpet as a missed opportunity and promptly forgotten about.

Of course, the film's biggest mistake: not enough Dinklage.

The Gamers - Dorkness Rising (2008)

On the whole, gamers are an intelligent bunch and we recognise that what we do can appear - to an outsider - a bit dorky.

However, with that awareness comes a wicked sense of humour and a finely honed knack of self-deprecation that has spawned such 'cinematic' classics as Fear Of Girls and The Gamers and comics like The Knights Of The Dinner Table and Dork Tower.

The Gamers: Dorkness Rising continues that noble tradition, as a sequel to The Gamers (although only one character from the original appears in this, and then not for long), following the lives of a group of tabletop role-players - both inside and outside of a 3rd Edition Dungeons & Dragons campaign being run by aspiring author Kevin Lodge (Nathan Price).

Imagine an early Kevin Smith movie, but without the graphic sexual references and foul language, and you'll have a pretty decent idea of the level of geekiness in Dorkness Rising.

You don't have to be a gamer to enjoy this film, but if you're not into the role-playing scene then some of the material will pass you by and if you're not a geek at all I can't imagine you'd be watching this film in the first place.

Made with the support of some of the big names in the industry (Wizards of The Coast, Goodman Games etc), there are plenty of Easter Eggs and in-jokes for those on the same wavelength as the filmmakers (Dead Gentleman Productions) - there are nods to The Knights Of The Dinner Table and the party's oft-forgotten henchman is none other than Nodwick from the strip of the same name by Aaron Williams.

Outside of the game world, Lodge is struggling against writer's block trying to convert the adventure he is running into a published module for Dungeons & Dragons, while dealing with rebellious players and an odd unresolved romantic sub-plot with the group's newest addition - Joanna (Carol Roscoe).

However, most of the humour comes from what happens in the game world. Using the same visual trick as used in The Gamers of showing the adventurers as the player's "in costume" in Lodge's fantasy world, things naturally go awry and that's when the real fun starts.

For instance, when the characters aren't seducing every female non-player character they come across or blowing up random peasants, one (the bard) is repeatedly killed because his player can't really get to grips with not playing a fighter while another (the sorceress) is being played by a dude who keeps forgetting he's playing a woman and hitting on Joanna's female fighter.

When Gary (Christian Doyle) remembers his character - Luster - is female she is portrayed by his maths professor (Jennifer Page), but the rest of the time, she's Gary in drag!

Written and directed by Matt Vancil, who was also responsible for The Gamers and Demon Hunters, Dorkness Rising may not be a laugh-a-minute, but with its higher production values and more assured acting it is leagues above The Gamers (the original left me rather non-plussed, with its surreal ending smacking of a film that had run out of ideas) and is a pretty accurate representation of gamer stereotypes.

Vancil has created an interesting group of characters here and, unlike the original, I'd be keen to spend some more time with them in future offerings.

The Gamers: Dorkness Rising is a worthy addition to any gaming group's library.

Prisoners Of The Lost Universe (1983)

Three years after creating the most Dungeons & Dragons film of all time (Hawk The Slayer) Terry Marcel and Harry Robertson reunited to try and recapture that 'lightning in a bottle' magic with Prisoners Of The Lost Universe.

The chances are your impression of their success can be gauged against how well you feel George Lucas recaptured the magic of the original Star Wars trilogy in the Ewok movies.

Even bringing back Peter O'Farrell and Ray Charleson in essentially the same roles as they had in Hawk, a roguish dwarf and a gifted elfin creature, doesn't really help.

TV presenter Carrie Madison (Kay Lenz, best known as Thursday from the classic western The Great Scout & Cathouse Thursday) and handyman Dan (Richard Hatch aka Captain Apollo from the original Battlestar Galactica) find themselves shunted from our world to the primitive parallel world of Vonya. There the warlord, Kleel (a slumming-it John Saxon) is using his stash of Earth weaponry to maintain a brutal grip on the nomadic locals.

Kleel takes a shine to Carrie (because of her blonde hair and feisty nature) and it's up to Dan and the adventuring party he soon gathers (an elf, a dwarf, and a giant... sound familiar?) to rescue her.

As with Hawk, there's a strong whiff of Dungeons & Dragons in Prisoners Of The Lost Universe, with its abundance of random encounters.

But the cheesy monsters our heroes cross swords with are more reminiscent of the Italian low-budget sword-and-sandals fare such as the Hercules movies, Conquest etc that were being made around the same time.

Unfortunately for gamers - and neutral observers - all the humanoid monsters met are simply interchangeable, disposable goons in different costumes with no discernible differences in their abilities beyond their different outfits (be they midgets with glowing eyes, subterranean cloaked critters, or the Jason Voorhees-like waterbeast).

If Hawk The Slayer was Marcel and Robertson's Robert E Howard, then Prisoners Of The Lost Universe is their Edgar Rice Burroughs.

Despite the '80s opening on Earth and the presence of firearms, the sci-fi vibe that's suggested by the film's advertising (see poster/DVD cover above) is largely trampled by the fantasy elements, giving the film a micro-budget sword-and-planet John Carter of Mars flavour more than anything else.

Although Dan The Handyman is no John Carter!

On top of clunky dialogue and bargain basement effects, there's also a quite heavy-handed attempt to force humour into the mix by injecting some odd, comedy sound effects, which are totally cringe-worthy.

Trying too hard to lean into "camp charm", when such elements should be allowed to blossom naturally, it doesn't take long to realise why Prisoners Of The Lost Universe never gained the cult following that their earlier work did.

Mordenkainen Headlines New Dungeons & Dragons Comic

Main cover art by Esad Ribić

Gary Gygax's wizard Mordenkainen stars in a new ongoing Dungeons & Dragons comic coming from Dark Horse in November.

Powerless in the face of a draconic apocalypse, the story follows:

"... Mad Mage Mordenkainen as he assembles Faerûn’s most legendary heroes, including Volo, Tasha, and more fan-favourite adventurers, for a high-fantasy epic that spans the Forgotten Realms!"

Each issue will also include roleplaying-themed backmatter penned by RPG "personalities" or D&D gaming material.

Issue one will feature an essay by Erika Ishii, voice actor and actual play participant in the YouTube show Dimension 20.

The Dungeons & Dragons series will be written by Eisner-nominated creators Jackson Lanzing and Collin Kelly (Star Trek: The Last Starship, Captain America, NYX), penciled by Ibraim Roberson (Star Wars, Weapon X, Thor Annual 2023), inked by Arabson Oliveira, coloured by Dan Brown, and lettered by Haley Rose-Lyon.

Issue one variant cover gallery:

Dungeons & Dragons 3 - The Book Of Vile Darkness (2012)

I hate to admit it - because I'm as shocked as the next man - but Dungeons & Dragons 3: The Book Of Vile Darkness is actually pretty bloody good.

Sure, it's not going to win any awards, but I was expecting something as craptacular as Camp Blood, when in fact it's a fairly decent swords and sorcery B-movie.

For those who worry that these movies might have harmed the public perception of the Dungeons & Dragons game or Wizards Of The Coast's IP, this movie does a convincing job of portraying the exploits of a party of "murderhobos" in a typical D&D campaign.

The plot sees neophyte Knight of Pelor, Grayson (Jack Derges) infiltrating a group of evil adventurers in the hope that they will lead him to his kidnapped father.

The group, led by Shadar-kai witch Akordia (Eleanor Gecks), is looking for the fragments of an evil ancient artifact, The Book Of Vile Darkness, on behalf of the villainous Shatrax, who seeks to return the world to state of chaos and darkness from his base within the Shadowfell.

Yes, the film is packed to bursting with Dungeons & Dragons name-dropping, most well used to create the impression of a fully-rounded world, but some - such as Grayson's visit to The Adventurer's Vault shop to stock up on magical items - are quite groan-worthy as they highlight weaker aspects of more recent iterations of Dungeons & Dragons.

Bezz (Barry Aird) - the rot-mage

But even so, thanks to some surprisingly impressive special effects, we're treated to variety of visually stunning uses of magic spells - both by Akordia and the party's wonderfully anarchic (chaotic evil?) rot-mage Bezz (Barry Aird), enchanted items (Grayson may purchase his "bag of holding" from a shop, but it's still pretty cool to see it in action) and a fantastic array of monsters: the armoured energy man is nice and the dragon is good, but the stand-out creature is the undead child that feasts on negativity.

This twisted little horror show could have walked straight out the pages of a Mörk Borg or Lamentations Of The Flame Princess adventure module.

Then, for the final act, we - and the party - are transported to the alternate dimension of the Shadowfell and even on the limited budget of a direct-to-DVD fantasy flick, this is incredibly striking.

This is where we also finally get to meet Shatrax, a superbly realised villain with a stapled-shut mouth who "speaks" through a pair of female servants chained to him.

Like many of the monsters here, because I'm not up on D&D lore, I don't know if Shatrax is an original creation of the filmmakers or an antagonist lifted from a game book, but nonetheless he's head and shoulders above the pasty-faced villain of the first two D&D flicks (Damodar).

Dungeons & Dragons 3, of course, has plentiful weaknesses: there's some groanworthy dialogue, some sorry acting and I can't guarantee that the plot makes 100 per cent sense.

But this is, by far, the best of the original run of Dungeons & Dragons' movies (not that that's saying much) and I'd argue a very accurate live-action portrayal of what goes on in the heads of most people who regularly gather around a gaming table to indulge in a slice of 'theatre of the mind'.

Akordia (Eleanor Gecks) the Shadar-kai

It certainly captures the dungeonpunk aesthetic of Third Edition (which I think was the current iteration of the game when this was released), with its design palette of black leather, tattoos, piercings and spikes.

As well as the requisite violence there's a decent amount of sex here as well.

This caught me slightly off guard as the previous D&D movies have been very prudish in that regard, but I guess scriptwriter Brian Rudnick was truly channelling Monte Cook and Robert Schwalb's controversial Third Edition supplement when he sat down to compose this piece.

I have no idea what non-gamers will make of the Book Of Vile Darkness, as so much is heavily rooted in a hodgepodge of game lore (for instance, the Shadar-kai are from the Forgotten Realms, while Pelor is a Greyhawk god), but gamers looking for a visual representation of a Dungeons & Dragons game world won't be too disappointed if they approach this with an open mind (and probably a few cans of beer).

The story is actually quite secondary to the enjoyment of the film because of its stylised presentation of a game world.

If you simply refuse to accept that Grayson can convincingly infiltrate this party of high-level (presumably) evil sorcerers, fighters and assassins, then just enjoy the magic and monsters. That worked for me.

However, the most bizarre aspect of this movie is the blurb on the back of the DVD box:

This was clearly written by someone who hadn't seen the film, or even read the script, because except for the appearance of a dragon it bears no real resemblance to the plot of The Book Of Vile Darkness, which is only connected with the earlier movies by its name.

The protagonists are not a "band of heroes" - the whole point is they're band of villains - they're not "defying an empire" (there is no empire ever mentioned), they are not fighting "against evil", they are evil. Yes, there is a single dragon, but, again, no evil emperor.

This blurb is basically a string of generic fantasy words strung together by a work experience person to fill space on the back cover of the DVD. Ignore it and just watch the film.