Joan of Arc aka The Messenger aka The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc (1999)

I'm not a professional film critic (although I did play one for many years on our local newspaper, when such things still truly existed), therefore I'm allowed my fair share of "review-proof" movies, such as 1960's The Time Machine, 1967's Quatermass and The Pit, 1992's The Muppet Christmas Carol, and 1980's Hawk The Slayer. To name but a few, off the top of my head.

Proudly standing among this nebulous selection of movies across many genres is Luc Besson's magnificent biography of Joan of Arc, which I've always known as The Messenger since I first saw it back in the day.

And I won't hear a thing against it. I even enjoy the strange sequences at the end, before she is to be burnt at the stake, when Joan engages in heated debate with Dustin Hoffman's weird, supernatural, presence (called The Conscience in the film's credits, but is almost certainly meant to be God or an angel).

I don't know if it's the gritty depiction of Medieval warfare or my weird fixation with the iconography of religious epics, but I've been obsessed with this movie since my initial viewing, which has, in turn, led to a low-key fascination with 15th Century Maid of Orleans, Joan of Arc herself.

Beyond a shadow of a doubt - for me, anyway - Milla Jovovich's powerful, unglamourous yet highly charismatic, and slightly deranged performance as Joan is her strongest cinematic role, although some may argue it's Leeloo in The Fifth Element (which is certainly more comedic).

The Messenger does an impressive job of building in the suggestion that Joan's proclivity for vivid, religious, visions comes, at least in part, from the childhood trauma she endured when English invaders pillaged her "idyllic" home in the French countryside.

But whatever the cause, these visions result in the older Joan being granted a status well-above of her peasant birth to "lead" the French army in its fight back against the stereotypically vile, f-bombing English. 

Her boundless zeal and insistence on unorthodox tactics, coupled with her "holy aura" in the eyes of the common foot soldiers, results in some wildly unexpected victories.

This, in turn, makes her a powerful symbol for the French... until she isn't.

The naïve, 19-year-old fanatic becomes an embarrassment for the French authorities once the Dauphin (John Malkovich) gets the crown he has been seeking.

Those in power who supported her, when their goals were aligned, turn on her. Joan is transformed from a figurehead into a diplomatic pawn. 

And we all know how that ended.

Not only is The Messenger a damning indictment of corrupt, organised religion but, once again, its central, emotional conflict highlights the inherent misogyny of the Medieval world (which has, of course, tempered slightly now, but still exists). 

Honestly, I don't care how historically accurate - or not - The Messenger is, it's simply magnificent in my eyes.

Certainly the gritty, muddy, gruesome, unheroic Medieval violence is a strong selling point for me, but there are so many great, larger-than-life, characters in the film - as well as Jovovich's Joan - that also speak to the gamer in me.

And the religious weirdness, of course.

Attack Of The Gryphon (2007)

Attack Of The Gryphon - or just Gryphon, as it is known in some quarters - is an American TV movie about two feuding kingdoms in the Land of Vallon that discover they need to work together to overcome a common foe.

Buffy's Amber Benson is Amelia of Lockland, a rugged, tom-boyish princess in the Joan of Arc mould, who has to team up with Prince Seth of Delphi (played by Jonathan LaPaglia, the younger brother of familiar TV face Anthony LaPaglia).

They are on quest to bring down the traitorous sorcerer Armand (Larry Drake, another familiar face - probably best remembered as L.A. Law's Benny Stulwicz), former counsellor to the King of Lockland, who has taken control of the kingdom's magical protector (a gryphon) and is using it to bring both warring kingdoms under his power.

If you can look past the feeble CGI used to give life to the gryphon, the bewildering array of accents and acting talents of the numerous performers and the obvious debt the film owes to such better known movies as Lord Of The Rings, it actually isn't that bad.

The script makes a half-decent effort at putting a fresh gloss on old clichés and while it doesn't always succeed, Benson's spunky Amelia and LaPaglia's rugged Seth are charismatic enough leads to carry the audience along... if they are willing to go on the journey.

While physically Benson is a surprising match for the role, initially it appears as though she is auditioning for a school play with her over-earnest line deliveries, but once out on the quest she settles better into the role.

Evil Armand, assisted by his two bizarrely-attired 'brides', uses more actual magic in this short film than Gandalf does in the entire Lord of The Rings trilogy and I suspect his 'magical slap' spell is employed using some kind of Dungeons & Dragons Fourth Edition 'at will' power, because he uses it a lot to smack our heroes and their sidekicks around in the climactic confrontation.

There's some romance, magical duels, an animated statue (obviously an actor painted grey) and even an actual, genuine, underground dungeon crawl sequence - with traps and treasure - that made the whole enterprise shine in my eyes.

Sadly, the treasure at the end of this dungeon crawl, the blade of the legendary Draconian Pike, looks very plastic - almost like one of those cheap kid's swords you find in pound stores - which rather undermines the gravitas of the moment.

Attack Of The Gryphon is only 90 minutes long and while not the 'epic' the DVD packaging proclaims, it's still a lot better than a vast swathe of the fantasy fodder that came out in the wake of Peter Jackson's Lord of The Rings.

For the fantasy roleplaying gamesmaster looking for an inspirational 'pick-me-up', it's a worthy investment of an hour and a half of your time.

Are You Ready For An Uprising? I Sure Am!

Clear the decks, sweep everything off the table, I need to see The Uprising right now!

Andrew Garfield stars as the legendary leader of a ferocious rebellion against the tyranny of King Richard II. As war burns across England, he forms an army of the people to face the King’s might in a fight for justice and survival.

Andrew Garfield as Wat Tyler; I never could have imagined it, but now I can't unsee it.

Garfield is already an indication of brilliance, but the trailer tipped me over the edge. This looks exactly like it could rival The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc for authentic, grimy Medieval excellence.

Head of The Family (1996)

It's amazing what you can just stumble across on Shudder.

I'd just finished one "time-filler" movie and up popped in the "also available" offerings: Head of The Family, a Full Moon film I'd never even heard of before but clearly inspired by the legendary cover story of DC Comics' Black Magic issue one, from 1973 (see below).

Although no acknowledgment is made in the credits the similarities are staring you right in the face!

Now, the 1996 movie is from Full Moon so you know it's going to be cheap and sleazy, and not one you want your wife randomly wandering in in the middle of (as Rachel did!)

Gangster and drug dealer Howard (Gordon Jennison Noice) is trying to muscle in on Lance's (Blake Adams) diner business, unaware that Lance is having a torrid affair with Howard's stunning wife, Loretta (Playboy model Jacqueline Lovell).

Lance resorts to blackmailing a weird family of local well-to-do mutants, the Stackpools, into disposing of Howard.

Although then Lance gets greedy and tries to scam money out of the peculiar family, only to have the tables turned on him and Loretta.

There's an element of 2003's House of 1,000 Corpses in the way the Stackpool quadruplets are seemingly 'farming' captives in their basement for scientific experiments, and I can't help but wonder if maybe Rob Zombie picked up on this at some point when 'crafting' his first flick about the murderous Firefly family.

The head of the Stackpool family is poster boy Myron (J.W. Perra), a giant head with all the brains and mild telepathic influence over his siblings: the superstrong, but dumb, Otis (Bob Schott); the bug-eyed Wheeler (James Jones), with incredible senses; and the seductive Ernestina (Alexandria Quinn as Dianne Colazzo).

Myron's siblings: Otis, Wheeler, and Ernestina!

You will note that there are only two main female characters in this movie, both hot blondes and both who are required - in Jacqueline Lovell's case nearly constantly - to get naked.

Written and directed by Mr Full Moon himself, Charles Band, Head of The Family is supposedly a black comedy, but while it does raise a laugh every so often that's invariably because you are laughing at it.

Myron's experiments - to find a 'regular' human body capable of holding his mighty intellect - are set up like Chekhov's Gun, and I was half-expecting Howard to make a more dramatic return than he actually did, now 'gifted' with Myron's brain.

But no, that thread was seemingly just there for an excuse to show off some low-budget post-operative patients.

Several scenes, particularly in the final act, go on way too long, such as Loretta's uncomfortable attempt to seduce Myron and then her forced involvement in a play about the death of Joan of Arc... with its expected fiery pay-off.

The whole "blackmail scheme backfiring" is nicely plotted, very film noirish, but, narratively, one of the big issues I had with Head of The Family is that there's no one to root for.

Both sides of the dramatic equation are equally scuzzy and despicable, although I guess, if anything, I felt slightly more empathy for the Stackpools as, despite all their money, they were clearly physically and mentally disabled.

Even the denouement (and this is a mild spoiler for a 29-year-old Z-list schlock movie) has Loretta taking advantage of the mentally ill Otis.

In a strange way, I'm glad I discovered Head of The Family - for its vague connection to a comic book that's near and dear to my geeky heart - but beyond that, and the swathes of skin on display, there's very little to recommend this shoddy old movie.

I've talked before about my early exposure to comic books as a young kid, namely the Fantastic Four in British reprints and discovering The Flash and Shazam in a newsagent's spinner while on holiday on the South Coast.

But there was always one other comic book cover that has stuck with me - possibly from the same time I found those comics in a seaside newsagents back in the early 70s.

All I could remember was the picture... and the pun. However, in 2013, thanks to a magnificent retro comic book blog, Rip Jagger's Dojo I was mentally reunited with the first issue of DC's Black Magic (dated November 1973).

I suspect it was probably early '74 (or it could have been late '73, I suppose) when I saw this comic. I was about seven at the time - and either mum didn't approve or I was too chicken - but I didn't pick it up.

However, the "head of the family" pun stayed with me.

I'm pretty certain that anyone who knows me will see that my dark sense of humour is perfectly encapsulated in this image and I think it's fair to say that it was possibly a bigger influence on me in my formative years than I realised.

I still regard it as one of the greatest visual gags ever. Over the years I've recycled it in roleplaying games and awkward social occasions (and probably will, again, in the future).

Thank you, Joe Simon and Jack Kirby!

Soon after encountering Black Magic #1 on Rip's site, I tracked down a reasonably-priced copy (thank you, eBay), and it now has pride of place among my gallery of framed covers in the lounge.

My framed copy of Black Magic #1 from 1973