The Welcome Return of Frank Castle

Frank Castle aka The Punisher (Jon Bernthal) returns for a one-hour one-shot tale, One Last Kill, tonight on Disney Plus in the States and tomorrow over here in the UK.

The tale is co-written by Bernthal with director Reinaldo Marcus Green.

Perhaps it's the bridge between his role in Daredevil and his upcoming appearance in Spider-Man: Brand New Day this July?

SO MANY DOGS!!!

I love Newfies - I just wish they didn't drool quite so much! 🤣

A cold wind blew us to Hever Castle yesterday for the return of Castle Canines (formerly Paws At The Castle).

This was the first time the venue had hosted its dog show in over five years (apparently there's a new management team in charge of the site) and it was clearly much in demand as, it appeared, probably more than 50 percent of attendees had brought their own dogs along with them.

In fact, Rachel and I were quite taken aback (in a good way) by the sheer number of dogs wandering the grounds. Neither of us had ever seen so many pooches in one place... and yet Alice still managed to garner plenty of attention.

Our first stop was the 'meet and greet' with the giant Newfoundlands, who we would later see demonstrating their life-saving skills in the freezing cold lake.

Newfy water rescue demonstration

Then it was a general meander through the castle grounds, oohing and aahing at cuteness on display.

During our stay we spotted a former (human) participant in Channel Four's amazing series, The Dog House, as well as - no, honestly - an elderly duck that had appeared in the Disney live-action version of Beauty and The Beast. It was that kind of wonderful, very British, very random event.

The huskies were very chilled

The weather wasn't a friend to the poor people serving puppy ice creams and desserts

However, mid-afternoon, the heavens opened signalling a mass exodus from Castle Canines. We'd managed three hours though, with a lot of walking around and standing, and I'm pretty sure we'd seen everything we wanted to.

Hopefully next year the weather will be better for the dog show and it, once again, becomes a regular fixture of the castle's calendar of events.

It was also great to have simply gotten back to Hever Castle, having missed all of last year's events because of my stupid back problems.

A family portrait

Sleeping Beauty (2014)

Years before they became a byword for cheap, blockbuster cash-ins (i.e. mockbusters), the first movie I discovered by The Asylum was a fantasy film (simply called Dragon, I believe) in the discount aisle of Woolworths in Tonbridge (which shows just how long ago it was).

Since then I have remained firm in my belief that although they're not exactly known for quality productions, The Asylum is at its best when working in the fantasy genre.

That said, Sleeping Beauty isn't up to the pulpy, B-movie calibre of, say, an Arrowstorm film, but it still has its moments.

Directed by Casper Van Dien, who also appears as King David alongside his wife, Catherine Oxenberg as Queen Violet and his daughter Grace Van Dien as Princess Dawn aka Sleeping Beauty, the film is a liberal reworking of the fairy tale that starts in Disney territory then caroms off into its own little world.

To complete the family atmosphere on set, Maya Van Dien (daughter of both Casper Van Dien and Catherine Oxenberg) appears as a totally random addition to the story - a young girl called Newt (Aliens, much?) who has survived inside the enchanted castle and gives aid to Princess Dawn's rescuers.

Events initially unfold as they do in Disney's Sleeping Beauty cartoon, with the Three Good Fairies bestowing gifts upon the newborn Princess Dawn (although the guards' ill-fitting helmets and the treasure chests that look like cardboard boxes give away that this isn't the Disney version).

But then busty, yummy-mummy, evil witch queen Tambria (Olivia d'Abo) - whose invite got lost in the post - turns up and zaps Dawn with the familiar curse, then proceeds to blow up the good fairies.

In The Asylum's version, Dawn is raised alone in a castle tower, educated by her parents, and kept away from spinning wheel needles (several on-the-nose double entendres involving the word 'prick' got my hopes up this was going to be a wittily-scripted comedy; it's not), until just before her 16th birthday. And what do you know? She only gets tricked by Tambria into pricking her finger and falling asleep (taking the whole kingdom down with her).

A century passes and in a neighbouring kingdom, a servant called Barrow (Game Of Thrones' Finn Jones) discovers fragments of a map and a message leading to the cursed castle. Now, I'm not sure exactly who wrote this as Princess Dawn (as is suggested) is, of course, in a magical sleep.

I presumed it was actually an elaborate trap set out by Tambria - who has also been trapped inside the castle and unable to harm her slumbering nemesis - but this is never made clear.

Barrow's master is the obnoxious, privileged, bullying Tory-boy Prince Jayson (Edward Lewis French), who, learning of Barrow's discovery, decides to lead his coterie of yobbish mates on a jolly wheeze to rescue the treasure in Sleeping Beauty's castle and claim that kingdom for his own.

Again, it's never exactly clear how much this neighbouring territory knows about the curse on King David's land or the power of the wicked sorceress Tambria who now rules (kind of) there.

Given that it's just "over the mountain" from Jayson's realm, the general knowledge of the whole "asleep for a century" scenario seems rather vague.

Of course, Tambria isn't going to make things easy and throws a scaly pliosaur, a giant lizardman, a legion of shadowy wraiths and a never-ending army of zombies at the adventuring party that's coming for the treasure (and maybe the chance to snog a sleeping 115-year-old princess).

A particularly wonderful aspect about Jayson's loathsome cronies is, given that they are supposed to be trained fighters, just how cowardly they are. Their go-to tactic when confronted by any monster is "run away, run away".

The only one who shows the slightest bit of decency towards Barrow, and some backbone, is Gruner (Gil Kolirin) - who may be a commander or captain or something in Jayson's army, again it's not very clear.

The adventuring party gradually gets whittled down as they wander, seemingly aimlessly, around the same sections of castle and overgrown garden, until the final confrontation with Tambria.

By this time, Jayson has switched sides (or is he bluffing?), Newt has popped up and disappeared in a cloud of cryptic warnings several times, and Gruner and Barrow have bonded.

I'm not entirely sure who Sleeping Beauty is aimed at as there's some gore (Tambria pulling the head off of someone and dragging out their spine comes to mind) and an uncomfortable, rape-threat moment where a couple of brothers in Jayson's gang discover a magically sleeping servant woman in the castle kitchens. Thankfully Barrow steps in before that goes too far.

There's certainly an attempt at a Dungeons & Dragons vibe in the latter stages of this movie (torch-lit exploration, traps etc), but despite constant references to Barrow's map, there's never any real feeling that the adventurers are navigating a convincing, contiguous environment.

One minute they are stuck on one side of a lake, the next there's a bridge; they talk about going to certain places, but are next seen elsewhere.

This also isn't some hallucinogenic, dreamscape either, but simply a combination of poor directing, editing and scriptwriting.

The low-budget monsters aren't too bad though; the giant lizardman (despite being a cheap CGI creation) is quite interesting and the various undead have the added bonus that Tambria keeps resurrecting them every time they get nobbled.

As well as the many, many plot holes in the story (some of which I've alluded to above), more often than not the dialogue is delivered in quite mannered ways; now I'm not sure if this is director Van Dien trying to create a "fantasy Medieval" ambience but it doesn't really work.

Budgetary limitations abound in this version of Sleeping Beauty (there's no big dragon showdown at the end, for instance) - both in the effects and script - but it's an okay way to pass 90 minutes, if there isn't anything better on TV.

Sleeping Beauty (1959)

Set in a nameless kingdom in 14th Century Europe, the action in Disney's iconic Sleeping Beauty kicks off at the celebrations for the birth of King Stefan's daughter, Aurora (voiced by Mary Costa).

In the middle of the baby being granted magical gifts by the three Good Fairies - Flora, Fauna and Merryweather - the proceedings are interrupted by the arrival of an uninvited gatecrasher, the powerful evil witch, Maleficent (voiced deliciously by Eleanor Audley).

Maleficent has her own gift for the young child - a curse that before sunset on her 16th birthday, she will prick her finger on a spinning wheel spindle and die.

The Good Fairies manage to mitigate this slightly by changing the curse to one of "sleep until kissed by her true love" and then spirit young Aurora away, to raise her - without magic - in secret in the woods, to hide her from Maleficent's schemes until her 16th birthday.

Years pass and it's now the morning of Aurora's 16th birthday - and judging by the evidence of the Good Fairies' attempts to organise a birthday surprise for their guest it's a miracle she's made it this far!

Sent out while her "aunts" prepare the surprise for her, Aurora bumps into Prince Philip (voiced by Bill Shirley) and immediately falls in love with him (being the first man she's ever seen!) - little realising she has actually been betrothed to him since birth anyway, as part of an alliance between her father and a neighbouring kingdom.

Naturally they fail to exchange names, so when the Fairies explain to Aurora that she's  already promised to another, she's rather heartbroken.

Nevertheless, Aurora is returned to her father's castle in secret, unaware that Maleficent has finally tracked her down.

The evil witch lures the princess out of her bedroom to a tall tower where she spies a magical spinning wheel, pricks her finger and falls asleep.

Having never really considered the structure of the plot before I was rather surprised that Princess Aurora doesn't fall into her magical slumber until 50 minutes into the hour-and-a-quarter movie.

Then the Good Fairies decide to put all the inhabitants of the castle (there for Aurora's 16th birthday celebrations) into a similar slumber until the princess is awoken. I'm not entirely sure that that really qualifies as "only using their powers for good"!

Just to prove how evil she is, Maleficent kidnaps Prince Philip as well, to hold him hostage in her dungeons so he can't awaken Aurora with a kiss.

Luckily the Good Fairies bust him out of gaol, equip him with a magical sword and shield and send him off to lift the curse and slay Maleficent.

It's easy to see why Disney decided to make a live-action movie focussing on the character of Maleficent as the scenes in Sleeping Beauty with her are certainly the strongest and most entertaining.

She is a wonderfully evil character - presumably driven by jealousy, although this is never really explained - and, despite the Good Fairies saying "there must be some good in her", she isn't seeking redemption, she simply revels in being a Mistress Of Evil.

The highlight of the film is, of course, the well-known final sequence when Prince Philip rides from Maleficent's lair in the Forbidden Mountains to King Stefan's castle, only to find it surrounded by magical thorn bushes, and then once through those he confronts Maleficent herself, who has transformed into a mighty dragon.

The pacing does drag occasionally, for instance there's a scene with King Stefan (voiced by Taylor Holmes) and Prince Philip's father, King Hubert (voiced by Bill Thompson) discussing the impending return of Aurora that goes on just a tad too long.

Yet, without a doubt, Sleeping Beauty is the definitive fairy story - it has it all: a headstrong princess, a noble prince, an evil witch, romance and magic.

Welcome Back, Frank!

Daredevil Born Again Continues Tomorrow In The UK

Move Over Frieren Friday, We're Heading To Maul Monday

RPG REVIEW: DuckQuest by Darcy Perry

Cover art by Jon Hodgson

Picture a game that mingles Marvel's Howard The Duck and Rocket Raccoon, with the adventures of Usagi Yojimbo, Stan Sakai's rōnin rabbit, and a dash of Disney cartoonery, then pepper it with humour akin to Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett.

Now you'll have an idea of what's to come when you leaf through the pun-packed pages of Darcy Perry's DuckQuest: Quack Starter Edition (from 2021).

Initially created as an adjunct to one of Darcy's Kickstarter campaigns for the wonderful, often anthropomorphic, miniatures he produces through Star Hat Miniatures, the game is now available for the general public to purchase as a gorgeously illustrated 64-page PDF (click here).

Back during the Kickstarter, Darcy explained the genesis of DuckQuest:

"Unlike other games where ducks are relegated as side-kicks or comic relief, imagine they're the star players; the heroic explorers on an epic adventure. It's an idea that didn't go away. The more I looked around, the more I noticed that ducks got a raw deal. Something had to be done. So combining the need for ducks to be represented in a better light and a lifelong dream of writing my own fantasy heartbreaker RPG. I took the plunge and dived in!"

Mechanically, DuckQuest is an ultra-lite and streamlined d20 game (the core mechanic is essentially roll a d20, add a stat, score over a Target Number), with a freestyle magic system (that still retains some simple mechanics to rein in overzealous players), and a wonderfully Tunnels & Trolls-like method to condense monster statistics to a minimum.

Although the book's fluff skews towards the players taking the role of ducks in the game, there's nothing stopping them from playing crows, cats, dogs, squirrels, turtles etc

Emphasising the science-fantasy leanings of the game, the A-Z of 26 suggested character backgrounds (their 'quackstories') even embraces cyborgs, time travellers, and stranded spaceship pilots.

After picking a quackstory and a suitable name, character creation primarily involves allocating one to five points between the five QUACKtributes (Quickness, Ugly, Arcana, Cool, and Kismet), determining physical (Heart) and mental endurance (Psyche), adding in some quirks (which are largely for flavour and roleplay prompts), and then sorting out what equipment you have.

The Dramatic Universal Cosmic Kudos System (DUCKS) core rules (light as they are, but with a basic scenario concept of "quests", often involving killing monsters and stealing their stuff) are certainly evocative of the 'old school'.

However, there's also strong elements of more modern narrative sensibilities in the rules, such as starting objects in a character's possession being colourfully named but their exact "crunch" being down to player suggestions and gamesmaster fiat.

An example of the game's gorgeous
and idiosyncratic art

Employing all the main polyhedrals (even up to a d30), DUCKS includes a small number of simple mechanics - such as dice steps and exploding dice - that tick all the right boxes for this fan of funky dice play.

With a core mantra of "it doesn't have to make sense, it just has to make fun", a great deal of emphasis in the book is put on a group shaping the game and the default setting of  Aqualoonia (if they even choose to set their campaigns there) to their own whims.

To be honest, beyond the evocative place names on the map, and occasional bits of lore dropped in along the way, Aqualoonia is largely a blank slate for players and gamesmasters to fill in as they see fit.

For instance, some of the breadcrumbs scattered through the text send my brain racing off towards the world of my beloved Mortal Engines, Philip Reeve's literary masterpiece, so that's another avenue my imagination could explore through the funhouse lens of DuckQuest..

The core game book also contains a delightfully inspirational page of "duck cryptids", compiled by legendary games designer Jennell Jaquays. These are folk tales and ghosts stories of the feathered folk that can work as delicious background matter and plot hooks.

DuckQuest, full of fowl humour and loving parodies of pop culture, is not a game to be taken seriously.

That said, it is a fully-functioning roleplaying system with enormous campaign potential thanks to its easy-to-grok "levelling up" rules and bulging bestiary of killer critters - ranging from tiny mushroom men to kaiju-sized monstrosities that would give Cthulhu a run for his money.

Given the solid framework that Darcy has created, DuckQuest is also primed perfectly for hacking, should you come up with a house rule or two on the way to conjuring up your own campaign.

The Devil Of Hell's Kitchen Is Back For Round Two

For those who missed the briefing, the second season of Disney's Daredevil: Born Again has begun airing in the UK today (last night Stateside).

You can see the release schedule for the episodes above, and once Daredevil has completed his run, we're going to be treated to a special Punisher episode: One Last Kill.

Of course, this is before The Punisher/Frank Castle (Jon Bernthal) pops up in Spider-Man: Brand New Day in July.

Crime Lords & Laser Swords: The Welcome Return of Maul

Daredevil Teams Up To Face Kingpin on Disney Plus

The Devil can’t do it alone.

Marvel Television’s Daredevil Born Again Season 2 premieres March 24 only on Disney+

Predator: Badlands Comes To Disney Plus Next Week

Daredevil Returns, With Jessica Jones, Bullseye & Kingpin

Darth Maul Returns In New Animated Series

After the Clone Wars, Maul plots to rebuild his criminal syndicate on a planet untouched by the Empire.

Trailer for Second Season of A Thousand Blows

"Oh, He’s Football Crazy! He's Football Mad!"

"This is turning into an obsession now, isn't it?" joked my old pal Nick when I shared my purchase of the (controversial) new autobiography of former Lioness goalkeeper Mary Earps, signed by the legend herself.

Nick was referring to the recent surge in my fandom for women's football (which has resulted in Rachel telling her friends - with tongue-in-cheek - that she has become a "football widow").

The thing is, I'm never really been a football guy. I'm not even a sport guy. I'll watch baseball when I can (I'm British though, so it's a rare treat when a game comes on that's available for me) and, for some reason, I absolutely love international football, especially when England are playing.

I guess it's like my passion for the Olympics, I enjoy seeing athletes at the peak of their game - competing on a broader arena than just the weekly slog of domestic league tournaments.

I simply had no interest in the sport at club level.

It’s not as if I haven't tried.

As a youngster I read football magazines and comics (I was a big Roy of The Rovers fan and even converted one of my Subbuteo teams to his Melchester Rovers).

When I was working Matt and Nick would take me to the occasional Plymouth Argyle (their team) match and once I went to uni I even attended a couple of Bournemouth matches on my own, as my first residence was just round the corner from their ground.

I even used to watch Fantasy Football League with David Baddiel and Frank Skinner, but I suspect this was more for the fact that the hosts were two of my all-time favourite comedians than the subject matter.

But none of this actual football made any lasting impact on me.

That is, except when it comes to the national squad playing in a major tournament - the men's or the women's teams - and I find myself invariably glued to the TV.

For those couple of hours I'm a veritable football pundit.

This was taken in Rachel's old flat
about 20 years ago!

I'm not even sure how (or why) I acquired an official England Umbro top in the first place, but I now dutifully wear it whenever it feels appropriate to throw my weight behind our country. 

However, one of the 'problems' I've always had generating any enthusiasm for watching team sports is, even pre-brain damage, I have no capacity for retaining the details of what I've just watched.

Give me a superhero movie and I can tell you the minutiae of the plot a year later, but the moment I step away from a sport's match, either on TV or at a sports ground, I couldn't even tell you what the final score was... let alone who scored, or any fancy passing combinations.

That was always Matt and Nick's ability: they could regale you with trivia from football matches several decades or more earlier, with encyclopaedic accuracy.

I have to say I always envied them that. Not the specific facts that they were recounting, but simply their ability to know with such confidence the details of an event from such a long time ago.

However, now, in the wake of the women's second, back-to-back, victory at the Euros, and the increasing coverage of women's football my interest has skyrocketed.

My treasured Euros prize!

Strangely coinciding with my recent decline in physical health (which has also contributed to a rapid decline in interest for one of my oldest passions, roleplaying games) and my adoration for key stalwarts in England's line-up, such as goalkeeper Mary Earps, and, most particularly, the amazing Lucy Bronze (who played through our recent, triumphant Euros campaign with a broken leg), I now find myself actually drawn to weekly, club football as well.

I don't know if it felt like discovering a whole new sport to me or that I was getting in on the ground floor (neither of which, of course, are actually true), but I can now be found watching regular games, reading match reports, catching up on YouTube clips of thrilling game moments etc.

Because of my massive fanboying over Lucy Bronze - and knowing nothing about the state of the teams in the Women's Super League - I elected to follow Chelsea (Lucy's team) and see how that went.

It turns out Chelsea are, probably, the strongest team in the league (which was a bonus for me, I guess), with a squad that features a large number of Lionesses.

So, now, I watch - when accessible through our Sky TV package - weekly Chelsea league games and the occasional UEFA Women's Champions League match (when Chelsea are playing, that is) on Disney Plus.

I've been pestering my family for an official Lucy Bronze England jersey for my birthday or Christmas - but they are ridiculously expensive (£99 plus shipping), so I'll be sticking to my increasingly tight Umbro shirt for the moment.

Meanwhile, there’s definite irony in the fact that, given my current state of disability, I won an “official Adidas match ball” in a Women’s Euros sweepstakes, via Amazon, back in late July (see picture above).

I had been entering a ton of competitions in the hope of winning myself the Lucy Bronze England football shirt (so I didn't have to employ puppy dog eyes and quivering lip on Rachel).

Who Exactly Is Asking For More Trevor Slattery In The MCU?

THROWBACK THURSDAY: That Time We Were Featured In A Supermarket Tabloid

Photo by Antoni Shkraba

When Rachel and her colleagues at work were moving offices several years ago she brought home a selection of lost and forgotten "treasures" that had been unearthed.

Key among them was an old copy of trashy tabloid magazine Love It! which featured "our story". 

Cover dated July, 2007, this issue featured a semi-factual, rather sensational retelling of "Our Miracle Wedding", a truncated version of the story of my sudden, unexpected, aneurysm; the stroke I suffered on the operating table; my recovery; my marriage proposal; and our wedding.

This sterling example of high-quality journalism was tucked away on page 24 amongst the ridiculous 'true life' accounts of scandalous celebrity gossip, money-saving household tips, horoscopes, and sordid sex tales.

Basically what would now be termed "click-bait".

I wasn't sure about rereading the article (for the first time since I read it upon publication), in case it triggered unpleasant memories of my near-death experience.

But I needn't have worried, the overwrought retelling of Rachel's heroic handling of the whole situation, saving my life and placing me forever in her debt, actually brought on a smile of pride instead.

While it's rather insulting to dismiss the story of my brush with the Grim Reaper as a "speedy read" suitable for when you're waiting in the queue for a bus, it's an oddly concrete reminder of a time when things were moving so fast that no one thought about capturing the moment for posterity.

The paltry payment we earned from selling our story went towards 'spending money' for our trip to Disneyland Paris later that year.

I seem to recall that we would have got more if we'd been able to supply a picture of me in a hospital bed, all wired in to the machines that go 'beep', with tubes down my throat and up my nose... but camera phones just weren't as ubiquitous then as they are today... and, anyway, there's a degree of dignity and personal privacy involved.

And they weren't offering THAT much for a hospital shot.

The Empty Man (2020)

Even though it stumbled a bit in its closing moments, The Empty Man surprised me in ways no other film has managed recently.

Available to stream on Disney Plus, the trailer I'd seen beforehand (see below) suggested this was going to be a totally serviceable "teens discover local urban legend actually exists" monster movie, which I was totally okay with.

But what I got was so much more.

Opening with a 20-minute, pre-titles, atmospheric flashback to a group of backpackers in snowy Bhutan, who stumble upon a weird skeleton in a hidden cave, the film then shifts more towards what I was expecting as its focus jumps forward to a small town in Missouri in 2018.

Grizzled, former police officer James Lasombra (James Badge Dale) offers to help his widowed neighbour Nora Quail (Marin Ireland) - with whom he shares an unspoken secret - find her runaway daughter, Amanda (Sasha Frolova).

Taking on a Nordic noir/True Detective tone, this stage of the story unfolds like a police procedural, as James discovers that almost all Amanda's close friends have also disappeared after playing a "child's game" on a local bridge.

The night before, they'd found an empty bottle on the bridge and dared each other to blow into it... to summon "The Empty Man", a local urban legend.

Eventually, after some shocking revelations, James is led towards a bizarre self-help "cult", The Pontifex Institute, fronted by the charming Arthur Parsons (Stephen Root).

After being caught sneaking around the cult's headquarters, James gets a lead that sends him out to a seemingly abandoned Pontifax Institute facility in the wilderness, where things start to get really bizarre.

Initially, believing The Empty Man to be a "simple" teen horror, I couldn't understand how it could justify a two hour 20 minute running time.

However, once I realised I was in for something rather special the time seemed inconsequential as the story kept reinventing itself as it developed.

A key aspect of this very well made movie that I really appreciated was the conviction with which the characters approached the increasingly odd and distressing situations they were coming up against, giving the whole film a real sense of believability and verisimilitude.

Much like In The Mouth of Madness, with the The Empty Man you suddenly realise you're knee-deep in an incredible, mind-blowing, apocalyptic, nihilistic, Lovecraftian horror, and can't quite remember when you turned down this dark pathway.

Even though The Empty Man isn't overtly based upon any specific story by HP Lovecraft, I'm pretty sure I heard chants of 'Nyarlathotep' at one stage (which certainly makes sense in the context of this tale).

Lovecraft much?

Even a single viewing of The Empty Man requires a degree of concentration to stay on track, but I'm certain that this is a film that would reward a second, closer, examination as I'm sure there were many occult Easter Eggs I missed while on the initial journey.

As the narrative danced towards its final act, it became clear that The Empty Man was borrowing tropes from some of my other favourite horror movies, but it still managed to take a wild swing at putting a fresh lick of paint on its big twist.

Based on a Cullen Bunn comic book series, published by BOOM! Studios, The Empty Man was written and directed by David Prior and was one of the last films produced by Fox before it was brought out by Disney.

Apparently, The Empty Man got a low-key cinematic release, making so little money that even a home DVD release was ruled out as unprofitable.

All that said, The Empty Man is a strange and cerebral horror film so I realise it's not going to appeal to everyone, but I reckon in a few years it may well have spawned its own cult following.

Teaser For This Week's Alien: Earth

As well as a taste of what's to come (see above), here's a clip from last week's Alien: Earth along with a "how did they do it" look behind the scenes.