"Second To The Right, And Straight On Till Morning"

I have long dreamed of a fantastical, island-hopping roleplaying game "project", akin to the beloved Ray Harryhausen sword-and-sorcery movies of my youth filtered through something akin to old school Dungeons & Dragons.

The exact flavour remains undecided, but I already have a campaign format in mind.

I want to emulate the very first campaign that Gublin and I played back in the late '70s: a picaresque nautical yarn in the style of Sinbad The Sailor, The Odyssey, Jason & The Argonauts or even Clark Ashton Smith's The Voyage of King Euvoran, with the player-characters as the crew of an exploratory ship sailing from mysterious island to mysterious island.

I've long said my campaigning Holy Grail is to run an open-ended 'forever campaign' that captures the spirit of the first generation of roleplaying campaigns (e.g. Gary Gygax's Greyhawk, Dave Arneson's Blackmoor, and my personal favourite: Dave Hargrave's Arduin).

Maybe this is the adventure that will steer me in that direction.

Beastmaster 2 - Through The Portal Of Time (1991)

Several years ago Rachel's dad helped us wire up a variety of technical doohickies to our TV in the old house, which meant that - after a very long break - we finally had, for a while, a working VHS player again in the house. I know, very retro!

Which brings us to: Beastmaster 2 - Through The Portal Of Time, an old VHS tape I've had knocking about for ages - but with no way to play it.

And you know what, it wasn't half as bad as I'd heard.

The Beastmaster Dar (Marc Singer) is leading a rebellion against wizard-warrior Arklon (a scenery-devouring turn from Wings Hauser) - who turns out to be Dar's brother, for all the difference that makes.

Arklon teams up with jive-talking witch Lyranna (Superman II's Sarah Douglas) who happens to know that Arklon's main weapon, the magical Key Of Magog, can open a portal she has been studying... to a parallel world (not "through time").

This parallel world turns out to be early '90s L.A. and Lyranna also happens to know of a mighty Earth weapon called the "neutron detonator", which Arklon immediately wants to get his hands on.

Complicating matters further is annoying senator's daughter Jackie Trent (Kari Wuhrer) who accidentally drives her sports car through the portal - from Earth - and ends up befriending Dar and his menagerie of animal helpers.

Jackie is captured by Arklon and Lyranna and Dar chases them all back through the portal to Earth - where Dar is promptly arrested by the L.A. police.

This all unfolds at breakneck speed and before you know it, Arklon has trashed a department store and broken into a military base (with Lyranna's aid) to steal the neutron detonator. There's some double-crossing on the baddies' side - and Lyranna eventually disappears out the picture.

Arklon proceeds to demonstrate what a total moron he is, after standing right in front of the open portal back to his world, by deciding to drive back into L.A. - forgetting that his nemesis can control animals (luckily so do the scriptwriters) - and make his final stand in the Los Angeles Zoo!

The dialogue throughout is pretty dire, with Jackie's constant unfunny one-liners a particular nuisance and the animals' occasional "humorous" thought balloons totally groan-worthy, but the pacing and action is solid. The whole "fish-out-of-water" scenario isn't overdone either - with Arklon,  for instance, using his ability to drain others' memories adapting to 20th Century Earth very quickly.

Quite mercifully, no cliché romantic sub-plot develops between Dar and Jackie and, instead, they remain friends and travelling compaigns throughout their adventures.

Beastmaster 2 is a rather camp sequel to the classic original, but approached from a gaming perspective, it certainly suggests a leftfield campaign plot-twist worthy of the great Gary Gygax himself.

What old school Dungeon Master worth his salt wouldn't want to send his player-characters on a journey to contemporary Earth?

And don't worry, the portal has a TARDIS-like ability that grants everyone, from both sides, the automatic power to understand each others' language.

DEATHSTALKER WEEK: Deathstalker (2025)

Warrior and scavenger Deathstalker (Daniel Bernhardt) is pulled into the "machinations of the gods" when he steals a magical amulet from a dying prince on a battlefield.

Teaming up with goblin-dwarf wizard Doodad (Laurie Field, voiced by Patton Oswald) and thief Brisbayne (Christina Orjalo), this trio of rogues have to first undo the curse on Deathstalker that has bound the amulet to him.

Then they have to find an (impractical) four-bladed magical sword and thwart the apocalyptic plans of the evil sorcerer Nekromemnon (Nicholas Rice), his right-hand goon, the undead Jotak (Paul Lazenby) and their legions of monstrous Dreadite soldiers.

Written and directed by Psycho Goreman's Steven Kostanski (who was born three years after the original Deathstalker was released) Deathstalker (2025) is a loving tribute to vintage, low-budget, swords-and-sorcery flicks.

It is set in a land awash with Hawk The Slayer mist, and our heroes fight their way through a never-ending onslaught of Power Rangers (and Psycho Goreman) style rubber-suit monsters and Evil Dead-style stop-motion creations.

And, yes, the infamous porcine-faced humanoid makes a return appearance, although he's had a bit of a glow-up since the original movies. You may call him a pig-man, but to me he's a Gygaxian orc.

The ultimate weapon that Stalker is seeking - as I suspected the other day - is even an on-the-nose homage to Alert Pyun's The Sword and The Sorcerer.

In fact, the only thing that really differentiates this from the earlier Deathstalker movies is the total absence of sleaze. There's no nudity (gratuitous or otherwise), not even a hint of sexual tension between Stalker and Brisbayne. Instead, they are treated as <shudder> equals!

And, you know what, I didn't miss it. Deathstalker's linear plot is a blood-spattered, non-stop riot of over-the-top cartoonish violence, interspersed with some witty dialogue, subtle foreshadowing, and a cavalcade of rubbery monsters that could easily have just rolled out of an old school Dungeons & Dragons adventure.

You may recognise him as Kirill from John Wick or Agent Johnson from The Matrix Reloaded, but Daniel Bernhardt, who has a definite air of Jon Hamm in his mien, is superb as the titular antihero and the door is definitely left wide open at the end for sequels.

I, for one, would welcome further adventures with Bernhardt reprising the role.

The only nit I would pick with Kostanski's script - and this is as much personal taste as anything - is giving Deathstalker a backstory that necessitates him having a "pre-Deathstalker" name.

Honestly, this is completely unnecessary as the name could have been excised from the script and it would have read just as well if he was a "man with no name" type.

The film was part-funded by Kickstarter in 2024, but (for reasons) as there were no Blu-Rays (or even DVDs) on offer as incentives I just chipped in at the lowest level to get my name in the credits... because I'm easily pleased.

This did mean I had to import the Blu-Ray off my own back this week - thanks to eBay.

I know there are going to be those who moan about what's missing from the traditional Deathstalker formula (even though, surprisingly having now seen the film, it is front-and-centre in the comic book spin-off released by Vault Comics in the wake of the Kickstarter).

However, if anything, 2025's Deathstalker proves you can still make outrageous, trashy, dark fantasy sword-and-sorcery movies in this day and age that cater to audiences both old and new.

My "thank you" in the credits: best $10 I've ever invested in a Kickstarter 😉

The Raven (1963)

Having been turned into a raven by the leader of his order of magicians, Dr Adolphus Bedlo (Peter Lorre) convinces fellow sorcerer Dr Erasmus Craven (Vincent Price) to aid him in his revenge on Dr Scarabus (Boris Karloff) by letting slip that he saw Craven's dead wife Lenore (Hazel Court) at Scarabus's castle.

Accompanied by their children, Estelle Craven (Olive Sturgess) and Rexford Bedlo (Jack Nicholson), the two wizards take a hairy carriage ride to their foe's castle, only to find him warm and welcoming.

However, all is not as it seems, as Scarabus has orchestrated this meeting for his own devious ends.

Inspired by Edgar Allan Poe's famous poem, The Raven, with a script by I Am Legend author Richard Matheson and directed by producer Roger Corman, I had high hopes for this horror-comedy, renowned in gaming circles as Gary Gygax's inspiration for a number of old school Dungeons & Dragons spells (such as 'magic missile').

Boy, was I disappointed.

I don't think it was simply a case of the humour not ageing well, more like the fact that the whole affair came across as rather infantile in its forced attempts at japery; so much so that I was constantly reminded of being dragged to see puerile pantomimes as a kid (and I loathe pantomimes).

The Raven just isn't as funny as it clearly likes to think it is and you could almost hear the ba dum tsh drum sting after every supposedly amusing piece of childish clowning.

The antagonism between the sorcerers comes to a head in a protracted, wordless duel pitting the powers of Craven against Scarabus.

Sadly, this sequence also failed to live up to expectations - partially because of the dated special effects but primarily because there was no sense of jeopardy as the whole thing was being played for cheap laughs.

Hamstrung by extreme silliness, The Raven is not one of Corman's best offerings and there are plenty of other far better horror-comedies or comedy-horrors out there to pass 83 minutes of your time with.

Psycho Goreman (2020)

 A nameless, near-omnipotent force of evil is finally overthrown by the "forces of light" (aka The Planetary Alliance) and imprisoned on an out of the way world... which just happens to be Earth.

Playing in their suburban garden one night, two young siblings - borderline sociopath Mimi (Nita-Josee Hanna) and her put-upon brother Luke (Owen Myre) - unearth a glowing gemstone.

The next day they discover 'something' has dug its way out of their garden, and they track the creature to a nearby abandoned factory, where it's hiding out.

The creature (played by Matthew Ninaber, with Stevn Vlahos providing the voice) is the "nameless evil", but the kids soon realise that it must obey Mimi's every command, because she holds the gem.

It reveals that its enemies refer to it as the Arch-Duke of Nightmares, but the kids decide to call it Psycho Goreman ('PG' for short) instead.

While the youngsters are having fun with their new 'toy' (for instance, one of their friends gets turned into a brain creature and a cop into a soulless, half-melted zombie... you know, crazy kid stuff), the forces that imprisoned PG on Earth become aware of his escape from captivity.

The Planetary Alliance sends Pandora The Templar (Kristen MacCulloch) to recapture the monster while he is still in a weakened state.

As this is all unfolding Psycho Goreman lives up to his nickname and enters Luke's dreamscape, trying to convince him to steal the gem from Mimi, but Luke sticks by his sister.

Until, she playfully orders PG to kill him one day!

You see, Mimi has become a living example of the old adage about "power corrupting", and while she started off with a mean streak, having PG at her beck and call has just made her worse.

Will the arrival of Pandora on Earth resolve the situation?

Written and directed by Steven Kostanski (who also made the brilliantly Lovecraftian horror The Void and the forthcoming Deathstalker reboot), PG: Psycho Goreman is truly bonkers, a gonzo, blood-spattered spin on the look of Power Rangers, interwoven with Japanese body horror, retro special effects, layered world-building, and a wicked sense of humour.

Even under Mimi's control, the invulnerable and superstrong Psycho Goreman has access to a broad arsenal of "dark magics" (such as transformation magic, telekinesis, paralysis etc) that ultimately means he is able to dole out whatever punishment he feels a target deserves.

Of course, if you fight honourably, you may well merit a "warrior's death"... which involves PG cannibalising your corpse in a most shocking manner.

With its tongue buried firmly in its cheek, PG: Psycho Goreman is most definitely not a film to be taken seriously, instead it feels as though Kostanki has thrown everything he loved from his childhood into a blender and splurged the results out onto the page.

Very much a comic book supervillain, there are shades of Thanos (and Darkseid) in Goreman's backstory, which makes his dominance by a young girl all the more humorous and rewarding.

He even has his own Paladins of Obsidian, a collective of unique villainous creatures, that he believes will come and save him.

The power dynamics of the PG universe are highly reminiscent of that employed by Michael Moorcock, with Psycho Goreman as the ultimate representation of chaos and Pandora as the definitive bastion of law.

Although the terms "good" and "evil" are bandied about, as is said at one point, the central battle is truly "evil versus an even worse evil".

Another geeky reference I grokked was the name of PG's homeworld, Gigax. Surely (even with the variant spelling) this is a reference to Gary?

And the anarchic and incomprehensible homemade game of 'Crazy Ball' that Mimi and Luke play all the time - and was always going to be a key element in the narrative - strongly reminded me of 'Calvinball'  from Calvin and Hobbes.

Coming in at just over an hour-and-half, PG: Psycho Goreman is like a well-made Troma Entertainment movie, a Full Moon Features film with a decent budget, or an unfettered student flick with a top-notch script.

Not so much subverting expectations as leaning into them, PG: Psycho Goreman is simultaneously reminiscent of so much trash cinema we've grown up loving, and yet wonderfully unique in its commitment to a solid story in a well-defined sci-fi universe.

Introducing PROJECT 60

In the middle of 2024, I announced on Facebook - as much for myself as anyone else - that I was launching PROJECT 60.

The primary aim of this overarching idea was that by the time I hit 60 (in a few years' time) I will have assembled and researched an actual historical skirmish wargame... set in the age of the Border Reivers.

Superficially it's a Medieval (Tudor) "Wild West" on the border of Scotland & England (The Debatable Lands), with swords, horses, black powder weapons, lawlessness, family loyalty etc

Bizarrely, it was a random mention of this time on an episode of Antiques Roadshow that first piqued my interest.

I've since been circling this idea - as either a wargame or RPG setting - for several years now, but finally decided 2024 was the time to get stuck in.

For figures and rules I shall be concentrating on those produced by Flags of War, as those were the first I discovered for this little-known period.

While I have yet to fully grok the rules system (at first glance there's an air of Savage Worlds about it that I rather like), one of the joyous things about this game and its setting is that it's very much a skirmish game, for a handful of figures on each side.

So there's no need to invest in hundreds of minis, that would then bust the bank if I wanted them painted up nicely.

It actually turns out that several other manufacturers produce miniatures - and terrain - suitable for this period, but the Flags of War ones are my favourites by far, and so will be my primary focus.

My first batch of miniatures are currently with my figure painter, and I'll let you all know once they are done. 

I've organised the games room a bit, so the table is ready for the miniatures. At some point, I must try to drybrush the model church and graveyard, add some flocking and so on to make it look less plastic.

What's really surprised me, as I accumulated my library of historical tomes about the Border Reivers, is that while there are a handful of factual documentaries about them as far as I can tell there has never been a motion picture made about these characters.

I'm gobsmacked by this missed opportunity, as their stories are full of action and larger-than-life antiheroes, very much akin to the Western cinema that was the backbone of Hollywood in the "golden age" and still produces epic classics to this very day. 

Part of my research has also involved reading the late Robert Low's superlative trilogy of Border Reivers novels, which my old university chum, JJ, sent me when he heard I'd taken a fancy to this period of history.

On the roleplaying front, it has finally struck me (in the last couple of days actually) that the games I fiddle about about with, house rule, and generally rewrite aren't actually being designed for me to run!

What I'm actually doing (subconsciously until now) is creating rules systems and worlds (such as my defunct superhero setting Knight City) that I want to play in, that I want to create a player-character for and have the kind of adventures I've always fantasised as the ultimate manifestation of this marvellous hobby.

This is why I would often get frustrated when I ran a campaign (usually an aborted superhero one) because it wouldn't turn out how I imagined it should. It wasn't that I was railroading the Tuesday Knights towards specific outcomes or trying to dictate the emerging story, but that it wasn't emulating the genre as I perceived it.

Most recent batch of Tekralh booklets - a mix of new and updated material

If you know me on Facebook you will have (possibly) seen posts about my recent work on Tekralh (the name I'm sticking with for my Frankengame), as the RPG strand of my  PROJECT 60.

I've broken the mass of my writing down into smaller booklets, which - at a future date - makes them more cost-effective to edit and reprint.

The building blocks of my Tekralh house rules

And what got me excited about all this again?

Back in March, I ran a single session of Shadowdark for The Tuesday Knights. Everybody said they loved it, but there was something that didn't click for me.

It took me a moment to twig: it was a very good system... but it wasn't MY system. I'm certainly not knocking the multi-award-winning Shadowdark, but several of the things I liked about it were also things I liked about my own Frankengame.

Yes, my house rules are a lot crunchier than Shadowdark and maybe not as easy for people to instantly grok, but I kept coming back to the point that my Frankengame was my game... and, ultimately, if I only get one final shot at running an open-ended, mega-campaign, I'd really like it to be my own baby.

The original Arduin Trilogy - the biggest influence on my DIY RPG ideas

To try and explain what I'm going for with my bundle of house rules (that build off of Newt Newport's Crypts & Things and Matt Finch's Swords & Wizardry), I want to point you towards the main influences and inspirations for Tekralh:

• Dave Hargrave's Arduin - my very first 'postal purchase', from a small advert in the back of White Dwarf, paid for with postal orders (!!!). I have no recollection what drove me to buy this (had I already read the introductory article by Dave in Different Worlds magazine?). But I've never looked back since those original three little booklets arrived at my parents' house. Over the years I went on to buy all the original booklets... and quite a lot of the later material (there's even a new edition on the horizon), but it's the original trilogy I keep returning to for ideas.
• Dave Arneson's Blackmoor - another first for me. After I'd purchased my Holmes' Basic Dungeons & Dragons booklet, the first actual gaming supplement I remember picking up from the Dark Tower in Tunbridge Wells was, appropriately, Judges Guild's The First Fantasy Campaign, a delightfully rough and ready collection of notes from Arneson's ur-campaign, the foundation upon which ALL campaigns that followed were built.
• Gary Gygax's Greyhawk - I've always had an interest in this campaign, for similar reasons to my love of Blackmoor: it was a campaign formulated before the rest of the gaming world knew what "fantasy roleplaying campaigns" were. Sadly, while there are early editions of the rules books that grew out of this available, there isn't the random notes and unfiltered enthusiasm of my first two choices. And, the deepest sorrow is the lack of a true rendition of the legendary Castle Greyhawk. I've seen - and own replicas - of some material, largely courtesy of Gary's co-DM Robert Kuntz. 
• Robert A. Wardhaugh's The Game 

I'm not looking for replicate these games and settings, but I definitely aspire to emulate them... because I want to play in a version of them.

It explains why I've always found myself at a loss when it comes to dreaming up scenarios. I can picture odd set-pieces (which are MOMENTS I'd love to be a part of in a never-ending old school campaign), but creating an actual scenario whole cloth always leaves me at a loss.

And this is why: I can see how a story could start, but I want to be part of the group that discovers how events unfold from there. I ant to be an integral part of the developing story rather than the gamesmaster setting out all the pieces on the board for us to play with.

If you've made it this far you're probably wondering what this all means?

Honestly, I don't know. Even after a year away from blogging I'm still no closer to reaching any definitive conclusions on the gaming front.

I want to play in a game like the ones that have inspired me, like the one I've tried to create, but nothing on the Tuesday Knights docket comes to close to this "aspirational holy grail".