The Final Programme (1973)

We may still be waiting (optimistically) for a live-action Elric movie, but another aspect of Michael Moorcock's Eternal Champion found his way into the movies in The Final Programme.

Although set in the "far future" during the slow death throes of civilization, this wonderful film is cut from the same cloth as such '70s spy-fi fare as The Prisoner, The Avengers, Jason King and even Doctor Who.

Written, designed and directed by Robert Fuest (of Dr Phibes fame, but has he also directed some episodes of The Avengers back in the late '60s), The Final Programme (also known as The Last Days Of Man On Earth) is mesmerizing in its psychedelic weirdness, yet not to the extent that the story is lost to the visuals.

The story revolves around biscuit-obsessed Nobel Prize-winning physicist and playboy adventurer Jerry Cornelius (Jon Finch) who is approached by a team of scientists, fronted by the sultry and possibly not-quite-human Miss Brunner (Jenny Runacre), to retrieve some key microfilm from the vaults of his recently deceased father's mansion.

It so happens that Jerry was planning to go there anyway as he wanted to rescue his sister Catherine (an all too brief cameo by Sarah Douglas) from the clutches of his dangerous, drug-addicted brother Frank (Derrick O'Connor).

The microfilm contains the key to a scientific formula that could save mankind, by kickstarting the next stage of evolution as an hermaphroditic, self-replicating, immortal human being. Unfortunately, there is still one ingredient missing...

For my money, this film was pure Moorcock, especially the non-traditional climax which these days would have had people crying out for a sequel but in the good old days was left suitably open and provocative.

The story embraces its bonkers' excesses, but as I said above it doesn't let this wash away the central storyline of the piece as happens all too often is such outré movies.

It certainly helps that the two central performers - the amazing Jenny Runacre and the suave Jon Finch - are so charismatic, with Finch's Cornelius almost certainly being an inspiration for Austin Powers.

As well as Sarah Douglas's brief appearance, the eagle-eyed - and eared - will also spot future star (and mother of Georgia Moffett, David Tennant's wife) Sandra Dickinson in her first big screen role, as a waitress in a mud-wrestling-themed restaurant.

While Moorcock himself was not a fan of Fuest's take on the story, he praised Finch for his portrayal of Jerry Cornelius during an interview at the BFI about the movie in 2010.

Beastmaster 2 - Through The Portal Of Time (1991)

Several years ago Rachel's dad helped us wire up a variety of technical doohickies to our TV in the old house, which meant that - after a very long break - we finally had, for a while, a working VHS player again in the house. I know, very retro!

Which brings us to: Beastmaster 2 - Through The Portal Of Time, an old VHS tape I've had knocking about for ages - but with no way to play it.

And you know what, it wasn't half as bad as I'd heard.

The Beastmaster Dar (Marc Singer) is leading a rebellion against wizard-warrior Arklon (a scenery-devouring turn from Wings Hauser) - who turns out to be Dar's brother, for all the difference that makes.

Arklon teams up with jive-talking witch Lyranna (Superman II's Sarah Douglas) who happens to know that Arklon's main weapon, the magical Key Of Magog, can open a portal she has been studying... to a parallel world (not "through time").

This parallel world turns out to be early '90s L.A. and Lyranna also happens to know of a mighty Earth weapon called the "neutron detonator", which Arklon immediately wants to get his hands on.

Complicating matters further is annoying senator's daughter Jackie Trent (Kari Wuhrer) who accidentally drives her sports car through the portal - from Earth - and ends up befriending Dar and his menagerie of animal helpers.

Jackie is captured by Arklon and Lyranna and Dar chases them all back through the portal to Earth - where Dar is promptly arrested by the L.A. police.

This all unfolds at breakneck speed and before you know it, Arklon has trashed a department store and broken into a military base (with Lyranna's aid) to steal the neutron detonator. There's some double-crossing on the baddies' side - and Lyranna eventually disappears out the picture.

Arklon proceeds to demonstrate what a total moron he is, after standing right in front of the open portal back to his world, by deciding to drive back into L.A. - forgetting that his nemesis can control animals (luckily so do the scriptwriters) - and make his final stand in the Los Angeles Zoo!

The dialogue throughout is pretty dire, with Jackie's constant unfunny one-liners a particular nuisance and the animals' occasional "humorous" thought balloons totally groan-worthy, but the pacing and action is solid. The whole "fish-out-of-water" scenario isn't overdone either - with Arklon,  for instance, using his ability to drain others' memories adapting to 20th Century Earth very quickly.

Quite mercifully, no cliché romantic sub-plot develops between Dar and Jackie and, instead, they remain friends and travelling compaigns throughout their adventures.

Beastmaster 2 is a rather camp sequel to the classic original, but approached from a gaming perspective, it certainly suggests a leftfield campaign plot-twist worthy of the great Gary Gygax himself.

What old school Dungeon Master worth his salt wouldn't want to send his player-characters on a journey to contemporary Earth?

And don't worry, the portal has a TARDIS-like ability that grants everyone, from both sides, the automatic power to understand each others' language.