THROWBACK THURSDAY: My Life and Humanoid Ducks In Roleplaying Games

Part of the reason for my passionate support for Darcy Perry's wonderful DuckQuest roleplaying game - and why I backed several of his anthropomorphic duck-related miniatures Kickstarters - stretches right back to my earliest days of gaming.

In the late '70s and early '80s the bulk of my long-form (rather than random one-shot) gaming was with Gublin, a friend who lived five doors down the road from me.

Although created for a specific Dungeons & Dragons adventure at our local gaming club, my enduring character from those days was a female half-elf fighter/cleric/magic-user called Staghind, who enjoyed a storied adventuring career, before becoming a queen of her own nation and retiring.

At some stage in her life she adopted an anthropomorphic duck called Quincy as one of her many children and he taught her Quack Fu. Or she was taught Quack-Fu by a master and then she adopted Quincy. My memory from those days is like Swiss Cheese!

My ideas about humanoid ducks were entirely shaped by reading Steve Gerber's bonkers Howard The Duck comics, rather than RuneQuest (which officially introduced ducks into the roleplaying consciousness).

This is also why I have a copy of this issue framed and hanging on the wall in our lounge with other key comics from my years of collecting and reading. 

Not just because of the incredible impact it had on me as a nascent comic book reader, exposing me to the gonzo possibilities of the medium, but also for the influence it had on me as a fledgling gamer.

Whilst my anthropomorphic duck gaming ended rather abruptly with Staghind's retirement, the concept endured with the help of one of my mum's delightfully random fandoms.

Once I was of working age (and writing nonsense for the local paper), my mum somehow became a massive fan of the late '80s kids cartoon Count Duckula, so I used my salary to ensure she had an extensive collection of VHS tapes and annuals (as that was the only merch available at the time).

These days duck characters can be found roleplayng games such as Dragonbane (from Free League Publishing), where they are called "mallards", and Twilight Sword (yes, this was a deciding factor in me backing this game).

In the latter game the duck kin are also known as "mallards" and were available, in print form (as a set of cards), as an early bird sweetener to entice backers to get the ball rolling on the crowdfunding campaign.

I hesitated and missed out on this bonus "kin", but understand it will still be available to all backers as a PDF. I can't NOT have ducks as a playable race in my version of Twilight Sword!

Outlaw of Gor (1988)

Filmed concurrently with Gor,Outlaw Of Gor is a half-baked sequel with a turgid plot and apathetic acting that makes the original look almost Oscar-worthy in comparison.

It's about 40 years since I read John Norman's Outlaw Of Gor but I'm pretty sure this limp movie bares very little resemblance to its supposed source material.

Set three years after the events of Gor (we learn this from the VHS cassette box, not the film itself) and Tarl Cabot (Urbano Barberini) is summoned back to Counter-Earth, but this time his slimy colleague from the university, the lecherous Watney Smith (Russel Savadier), accidentally tags along... and has no problem adjusting to the fact that the pair of them have suddenly arrived on an alien planet.

Before that though, for anyone perverse enough to want to watch Outlaw Of Gor without first having seen Gor, Tarl has a very convenient flashback précising the events of the first movie - but without mentioning Oliver Reed's rather central character (obviously they didn't want to have to pay him again).

Our less-than-dynamic duo make their way to Ko-Ro-Ba (which is noticeably different to what we saw in the first film), where Tarl is reunited with his love Talena (Rebecca Ferrati), her father Marlenus (Larry Taylor), a village elder who treats Tarl like an old friend, but I'm pretty sure we've never met before (Alex Heyns), and the sinister Priest-King Xenos (a bewildered Jack Palance, who is still not an insectoid alien).

Cabot's arrival at Ko-Ro-Ba prompts a truly hilarious sequence where random people just shout "Cabot" (one of the many bizarre moments in Outlaw Of Gor ridiculed by MST3K). The strange thing about this is until they arrived on Gor, I was convinced Watney had been calling his friend "Kevin", not "Cabot".

However, things are not all hunky-dory in Ko-Ro-Ba. Turns out Marlenus has hooked up with duplicitous Queen Lara (Donna Denton), who is secretly in league with Xenos in a bid for ultimate power (over a single village - not exactly epic ambitions).

Lara promptly seduces Watney ("Tell me, how do they make love on your planet?"), kills Marlenus and frames Tarl.

However, as if one Jar Jar Binks in his life wasn't enough, Tarl is also reunited with the midget Hup (Nigel Chipps), who is even more pointless in this movie than he was in the original.

Tarl and Hup go on the run in the desert - little realising that Lara has sent Ost The Hunter (Tullio Moneta), a monosyllabic bounty hunter, after them with the express orders that Cabot be brought back alive.

Ultimately this fuels a rift between Xenos and Lara (Xenos accuses her of acting like a "bitch in heat") and eventually culminates in one of the most embarrassingly degrading death scenes for a Hollywood legend in the history of B-movie cinema.

Where the plot of Gor at least moved forward, in Outlaw Of Gor it just goes round and round.

If it wasn't for the awful lines and risible fight scenes, this film could almost be called tedious.

But thankfully, it has some wonderfully WTF moments that make bad cinema so great.

A particular highlight here is the character of a nameless slave girl that Tarl and Hup rescue from slavers in the desert (a sequence in itself so laughable as to be a classic - just watch the slavers reaction at the end when they are standing around as their camp burns down around them).

From the moment she first appears among a crowd of slaves the camera picks her out as "someone important". She is then rescued and, in true Gor style, offers to "pleasure" Tarl as a reward. He refuses, because of his love of Talena. Then they are all captured - rather easily - by Ost, who takes them back to Ko-Ra-Ba, where the slave girl gets chained up in the mines... and promptly forgotten about. Never to be mentioned, or seen, again!

All this sets up the climactic fight sequence, which is another masterclass in "what the frakkery" as Ost changes his allegiance for no readily explained reason and tips the scales in Tarl's favour.

As you may have guessed, Outlaw Of Gor isn't particularly well-written. Not only is it full of clunky dialogue (much of which clashes with the themes of John Norman's books), but many things happen without explanation.

The character of Xenos is totally wasted, as all his Machiavellian machinations are just echoes of the more successful Queen Lara's schemes, and the nameless slave girl - who you are led to believe is crucial to something or other - is simply filling a narrative role that Talena could have taken.

I'm also not sure why this merits an 18 certificate, while the original was only a 15. Once again there's no nudity or cussing and the fights are comparatively tame (Tarl has a knack for killing floored opponents by stabbing the ground beside them). I can only imagine it's possibly because of the reasonably protracted torture scene of Tarl being whipped for Lara's pleasure.

The cassette box claims that "Tarl embarks on a series of wild adventures battling the strange and magical creatures who live in this forbidding universe". Doesn't happen. There are no "strange and magical creatures" to be seen anywhere in Outlaw Of Gor... and even "wild adventures" is stretching things a bit!

Beastmaster 2 - Through The Portal Of Time (1991)

Several years ago Rachel's dad helped us wire up a variety of technical doohickies to our TV in the old house, which meant that - after a very long break - we finally had, for a while, a working VHS player again in the house. I know, very retro!

Which brings us to: Beastmaster 2 - Through The Portal Of Time, an old VHS tape I've had knocking about for ages - but with no way to play it.

And you know what, it wasn't half as bad as I'd heard.

The Beastmaster Dar (Marc Singer) is leading a rebellion against wizard-warrior Arklon (a scenery-devouring turn from Wings Hauser) - who turns out to be Dar's brother, for all the difference that makes.

Arklon teams up with jive-talking witch Lyranna (Superman II's Sarah Douglas) who happens to know that Arklon's main weapon, the magical Key Of Magog, can open a portal she has been studying... to a parallel world (not "through time").

This parallel world turns out to be early '90s L.A. and Lyranna also happens to know of a mighty Earth weapon called the "neutron detonator", which Arklon immediately wants to get his hands on.

Complicating matters further is annoying senator's daughter Jackie Trent (Kari Wuhrer) who accidentally drives her sports car through the portal - from Earth - and ends up befriending Dar and his menagerie of animal helpers.

Jackie is captured by Arklon and Lyranna and Dar chases them all back through the portal to Earth - where Dar is promptly arrested by the L.A. police.

This all unfolds at breakneck speed and before you know it, Arklon has trashed a department store and broken into a military base (with Lyranna's aid) to steal the neutron detonator. There's some double-crossing on the baddies' side - and Lyranna eventually disappears out the picture.

Arklon proceeds to demonstrate what a total moron he is, after standing right in front of the open portal back to his world, by deciding to drive back into L.A. - forgetting that his nemesis can control animals (luckily so do the scriptwriters) - and make his final stand in the Los Angeles Zoo!

The dialogue throughout is pretty dire, with Jackie's constant unfunny one-liners a particular nuisance and the animals' occasional "humorous" thought balloons totally groan-worthy, but the pacing and action is solid. The whole "fish-out-of-water" scenario isn't overdone either - with Arklon,  for instance, using his ability to drain others' memories adapting to 20th Century Earth very quickly.

Quite mercifully, no cliché romantic sub-plot develops between Dar and Jackie and, instead, they remain friends and travelling compaigns throughout their adventures.

Beastmaster 2 is a rather camp sequel to the classic original, but approached from a gaming perspective, it certainly suggests a leftfield campaign plot-twist worthy of the great Gary Gygax himself.

What old school Dungeon Master worth his salt wouldn't want to send his player-characters on a journey to contemporary Earth?

And don't worry, the portal has a TARDIS-like ability that grants everyone, from both sides, the automatic power to understand each others' language.

You'll Have To Pry My Blu-Rays From My Cold, Dead Hand

My new Frieren blu-rays along with the Frieren Funko Pop! Paul got me for Christmas

One of the few things I picked up for myself in the Boxing Day/New Year sales this year was the blu-ray box set of the first part of the first season of Frieren: Beyond Journey's End.

But, you say, that's available "for free" on both Netflix and Crunchyroll, so why buy it?

To which I retort that not only does 'solid media' rule, but that just because the show is currently on those two streamers that doesn't guarantee it will always be.

Netflix, for instance, is always churning through its contents and removing great swathes of material to make way for new stuff. 

But, owning a show or movie on solid media (Blu-ray, DVD, even VHS) means it's always yours for as long as you have the means to play it (and you treat the media with enough respect to prolong its life).

Even if you purchase something digitally, you're essentially just renting it.

The Case of The Missing Music

Several years ago I purchased - via iTunes - the album Stand By For Action! The Music Of Barry Gray, which was essentially all the beautifully bombastic and inspirational themes and tunes from the Gerry Anderson shows I grew up with.

A magical collection of music that could very quickly carry me off to my happy place, thanks to some of the greatest theme tunes ever composed: UFO, I'm looking at you in particular.

Only, when Rachel and I went for a car journey the other week and I fired up my "driving playlist" (a mix of tracks from throughout the ages and across multiple genres) I realised that the opening track - Stand By For Action - wasn't there.

When I later checked the listing for my Barry Gray album on my iPhone, I saw more than half of the tracks were "faded out" (see picture at top of this article), and when I tried to click on them a message would pop up saying these tracks weren't available in my country!!!

WTF? I bought and paid for this music years ago.

This being Apple there's no customer service, no recourse for the angry customer to get an explanation.

Then late last year the tracks magically reappeared in my library, without a word or an apology. So now I can start blasting them out again.

But how long before they disappear again? Or tracks from other artists? God, what if all my Atarashii Gakko! music vanished over night? I don't even want to contemplate such an apocalyptic scenario.

But this isn't really a dig at Apple per se, as I love my iPhone (thank you, Rachel!), it's more about the fact that when you're talking about digital media... it doesn't really exist, it never feels truly your own, and it is vulnerable to the whims of the digital realm. 

Combine this with the numerous hic-cups I've had buying movies from Sky Cinema (I've given up pre-ordering movies this way and have reverted to Blu-rays), it's no wonder I'm sticking to physical media.

I know they take up room (not as much as a VHS cassette, of course), but they look cool and have all those spiffy extras that someday I'll get round to watching.

When you have a solid disc - or book, or whatever - in your hand, it's yours until you give it up. No megacorporation can arbitrarily decide - without explanation - that that object is no longer yours and remove it from your possession like a thief in the night.

Admittedly, on the music front I still actually err towards digital these days, but most of the time now I simply stream tracks via Rachel's Spotify account anyway.

PS. I know this is slightly hypocritical as I am a massive proponent of audiobooks, particularly the material produced by Big Finish, which I primarily purchase as digital downloads and play through their own app. 

My theory here is that these will exist at least for as long as Big Finish does... and I couldn't imagine living in a world without Big Finish!