Backrooms (2026)

Disgruntled Clark (Chiwetel Ejiofor), the manager of a failing furniture store in 1990's San Jose, California, finds a mysterious "portal" in his store's basement.

It leads to the seemingly never-ending "backrooms": an "abandoned" maze of bizarre yellow rooms and corridors constantly bathed in humming neon light.

When he disappears, Mary (Renate Reinsve), his therapist - who Clark had been seeing regularly because of his anger issues - goes looking for him. She is surprised to find that his rambling tales of this alternate liminal dimension are actually true.

Directed by 19-year-old Kane Parsons, who originated the online Creepypasta-esque idea of The Backrooms in 2019, the film is one of those weird fiction horror pieces that is best experienced with as little foreknowledge or preconceptions as possible.

Part mainstream cinema, part "found footage", and utilising a minimal script by Will Soodik (who wrote 10 episodes of Ash vs Evil Dead as William Bromell) Backrooms does an excellent job of capturing the confusing, unnerving atmosphere of the source material, but could well frustrate a lot of viewers with its lack of explanation as to what it really going on.

Scientist Phil (the great Mark Duplass) provides a vague info-dump in the final act, but even he - and his organisation - don't have an explanation for the "backrooms". Which is the point of the original conceit, it's there purely to unnerve viewers and creep them out (as well as inspiring others to make their own online "backrooms" contributions).

Are there clues in the half-sunken objects, reversed signage, partially-remembered people? Possibly, but probably not. To me, it's the three-toed statue on the Lost island all over again: a cool visual that's there to look cool, that's all. Nothing deeper.

Ultimately the A24-produced movie is no more than an expanded iteration of one of these YouTube offerings with a bigger budget and slightly more developed central characters.

It never was going to give any definitive answers because that is not the nature of the "backrooms". Once you have a concrete explanation interest wanes because there is no more mystery.

Don't get me wrong, I love this new wave of horror films - and TV shows - based on modern, internet-spawned myths and ghost stories.

It's an innovative addition to the Universal era monsters, the Hammer monsters, the Halloween-inspired monsters etc

Every generation deserves its own horror movie mythology that reflects its experiences of the world. It's only fitting that this generation's inexplicable horrors are growing out of the internet.

'Tis The Season of Sam

Celebrating the 30th anniversary of Sam's iconic appearance in the delightful Halloween anthology film, Trick 'r Treat, creator Michael Dougherty has launched the Sam: The Soul of Halloween site.

As well as offering limited edition merch, Dougherty will be releasing brand new animated shorts and artwork via various associated socials throughout October.

Sam first showed up in Dougherty's 1996 short Season’s Greetings which has been given a 4k restoration and is touring festivals and indie cinemas in the States this month.

Art by Steven Rhodes

Coulrophobia: Getting Behind The Make-up Of Killer Clowns!

These clowns aren’t here to make balloon animals.

Clown Panic streams October 12 on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+.

Can't help feeling that many of those people reporting sightings of "killer clowns" would otherwise be talking about being abducted by aliens.

Pitfall (2025)

A dysfunctional groups of friends go hiking in isolated, mountainous woodland and find themselves being hunted by a mysterious psychopath.

And that's about it, plot-wise, for Pitfall.

The Hunter (Randy Couture) has no apparent motive or technique for this cruel and murderous behaviour, which really should have been rule number one for writer Victor Rose and director James Kondelik. Even Michael Myers - the least interesting and most overhyped slasher in cinema history - has a clear motive and backstory.

Meanwhile, our protagonists are a generally unlikable quintet of barely two-dimensional walking clichés making a series of dumb decisions that leads to a number of them dying horribly and some surviving more by luck than judgement.

Scott (Marshall Williams) and Ashley (Alexandra Essoe) are estranged brother and sister, having fallen out over a car crash that led to the death of their parents, in which Scott chose to rescue Ashley instead of their mum.

The siblings have brought their partners with them - Gwen (Jordan Claire Robbins) and Charlie (Matt Hamilton), who presents himself a bit of an outdoorsman.

Also along for the fun and frolics in Scott's old friend Lars (Richard Harmon), who starts off as a bit of a dick, but actually develops into the closest this film has to a decent character.

After probably hours of driving, they get to the parking area in the forest, disembark and then have all the 'getting to know you' conversations that real people would have had on the journey there.

This was an immediate red flag to Paul and I, watching the DVD as one of our 'film night' specials, that this film was not going to go well.

In fact, as it went on we were constructing our own story, with twists and tricks we thought the filmmakers might be using to make Pitfall something special. But it turned out we were giving it way too much credit.

The first evening our 'heroes' are camping, Scott and Charlie go off to catch some fish or something, but then get distracted - and a bit lost - on the way back to camp and end up getting chased by hungry wolves (did anyone research this area before deciding to go camping there?)

I have to point out here, the wolf chase was hilarious as there was clearly no way these blokes were going to outrun the wolves - at one point a wolf is about two or three feet behind one of the runners and logically it should have all come to a grisly end moments later.

But this bizarre temporal logic was nothing compared to the central flashback scene of the death of the siblings' parents, which for inexplicable reasons played out like a gag from a Naked Gun movie. 

In thick fog, their car had crashed on a country road after a deer sprang out of the woodland and smashed through the windscreen. 

Scott managed to free himself, but noticed a truck barrelling down on them. Remember the thick fog? The lorry must have been close enough for Scott to see it, yet he still has time to try and free his sister (who is, apparently, blinded by shock and can't operate the seatbelt), then try and rescue his mum, who is stuck because of the caved in passenger-side door.

His mum then has time to deliver a really lengthy monologue on why he should rescue his sister. Then he goes to do just that. And throughout all this, the camera keeps cutting back to the lorry driving hell for leather towards them (and yet, seemingly, not actually getting any closer).

But I digress - back to the slow-wolves: Scott gets separated from Charlie and falls down a classic Dungeons & Dragons ten foot pit, with punji stakes at the bottom. One of which impales Scott's leg, trapping him there.

Now, jumping sideways to The Hunter's motivation again: these pits - and there are several scattered around the forest, as Lars had nearly fallen in one earlier - must have taken a hell of an effort to dig out on his own (and dispose of 10 cubic foot of soil each time).

Overthinking this - and at one stage Paul and I, thanks to the often perplexing direction, felt that The Hunter was in two places at once - we were convinced that there were two Hunters.

Meanwhile, as all this is going on, there are a couple of other random hottie hikers being chased by The Hunter. This pair eventually come into contact with our heroes only to be reduced to characterless meatsacks for The Hunter to squish to keep the film's protagonists alive, while still upping the gore quotient. 

I think Scott stuck in the pit is supposed to be a central part of the movie, but because he can't just talk to himself when the focus shifts back to him, he has to start hallucinating and that's when the film gets even more ridiculous.

Beyond the killer's motivation - or seemingly lack thereof - there's so much in Pitfall that just doesn't work. It seems that days are passing, from the glimpses of daylight between the "more atmospheric" nights, but there's no real sense of the passage of time.  

There are moments including a secondary character (a small girl, who is actually a boy) that may be a decade or so earlier. Only by later looking at the captions under the pictures in the IMDB listing for the Pitfall did I realise that he was a boy (Chance Orion Wood) and had grown up to be the bearded Hunter.

Although, we had suspected this, it wasn't clear at all in the material we were presented with onscreen. Especially as we'd both just taken the child to be a young girl.

Given the frequent shots, early on, that obscure the face of The Hunter, one of the twists that Paul and I had - incorrectly - predicted was that the Hunter was, in fact, a woman (the "girl" all grown up). 

Although, Pitfall opens in media res with a woman and her child being forced into a punji trap by a her husband, a hunter, in the woods, it's never explained what's actually going on with the young kid and why they turn into the character who stalks random people in the forest for years.

For what it's worth, both Paul and I have degrees in Scriptwriting for Film & TV and had we been analysing Pitfall back in the day, as part of the course, I reckon we could have each written books on what's wrong - or isn't adequately explained - in this movie.

Often unintentionally funny, confusingly directed, and with generic protagonists and antagonist, there's ultimately little to recommend Pitfall except for its suitability as some kind of drinking game.

Crunchyroll Out, Shudder In

 

With both Frieren and Witch Hat Atelier coming to an end on Crunchyroll, I've take the - financially-motivated - decision to 'rest' my subscription to that anime channel (via Prime Video) and restart my lapsed Shudder subscription.

As spooky season and Halloween draws ever nearer, I just think I will be better served by Shudder's horror-centric fare... at least until my two favourite anime series return to Crunchyroll.

Frieren: Beyond Journey's End season three isn't expected until October 2027 and Witch Hat Atelier season two has no release date yet. Talking of sublime fantasy anime I'm also waiting for Delicious in Dungeon season two, but that's a Netflix show. That, also, isn't expected to drop until October 2027 as well.

I have to confess that both streamers are a nightmare to navigate unless you have a specific title you want to watch; if you're just browsing for a particular style, flavour, or genre of show or movie then it's often pot luck. 

I do find this frustrating, more so, admittedly with Crunchyroll as my knowledge of anime serials is minimal. A lot of time was wasted clicking on random titles with bonkers names, reading their - usually vague - promo text, deciding it's not for me, going out of that listing, finding another, clicking on that and so on.

At least with horror movies I have a better grasp from the get-go of whether a film or show is likely to appeal to my tastes (rural, cosmic and/or religious horror, monsters, period settings etc)

ROLL THOSE BONES!!!

New funky dice alert! I came across these "skull dice" by chance on eBay the other week.

And immediately knew they had to be mine.

Shipped from China in no time at all for £3.59 each (including postage and packing), I didn't even have to sign up for a costly crowdfunding campaign to get them. Just a quick click on eBay's 'buy it now' button.

They are wonderfully chunky cubes of resin, measuring 2cm on each edge and with that deliciously striking skull design.

As well as obvious atmospheric roleplaying game usage, this pair will be perfect for our next Halloween-themed game of Monopoly.

DEATHSTALKER WEEK: Barbarian - The Last Great Warrior King (2003)

A strange one this, although you'd expect nothing less coming from the stable of Roger Corman.

The 2003 movie Barbarian (with its totally meaningless subtitle of The Last Great Warrior King) attempts to be both a remake of, and a sequel to, the original Deathstalker (although without mentioning the name Deathstalker at all).

The protagonist of this 90-minute oddity is not only trying to retrieve the same three magic items as Deathstalker did (the Sword of Justice, the Amulet of Life and the Chalice of Magic), but is also facing a villainous wizard of the same name, Munkar, who has - once again - organised a tournament to find the best warrior in the land.

The faux Deathstalker here is the most-well groomed barbarian in cinematic history Kane (former Mr Universe and American Gladiator Michael O'Hearn), a love 'em-and-leave 'em wandering rogue who - for some inexplicable reason - gets drawn into saving the princess (Irina Grigoryeva) and restoring her father King Kandor (Yuri Petrov) to the throne after he was usurped by Munkar (Martin Kove of Cobra Kai, Karate Kid and Cagney & Lacey fame).

However what makes Barbarian its own, bizarre, entity is the introduction of Kane's sidekick, Wooby (Yuri Danilchenko), a cross between an ewok and a child in a rubbish Cowardly Lion Halloween costume, who squeaks and wobbles his way through the plot until the movie's climax, where he disappears and is never heard from again.

A bevvy of Ukrainian lovelies add the eye-candy and random topless moments, although as well as recycling the plot of Deathstalker, Barbarian also digs up vast tracts of old footage from the original film - mostly around the all-important banquet/orgy scene where not only does the Pig-Man appear once again but we also get the strange sight of the true Deathstalker (Rick Hill) watching the events unfold from the side-lines as well as a return appearance by Codille (Barbi Benton)!

However, this is even more surreal as an opening exposition flashback suggests that the events of Barbarian take place generations after Deathstalker - the "timeline" is even broken up with images of Roman soldiers - although there is never any suggestion that Barbarian is supposed to take place on our world!

For all this random weirdness, lacklustre dialogue and variable fight choreography, Barbarian still stands head-and-shoulders above Deathstalker II - Duel Of The Titans and that's even factoring in Wooby, who I'd heard was on a par with Jar-Jar Binks.

I'd take Wooby any time over Jar-Jar, at least he has some uses (he knows healing magic and is probably quite warm for those long, cold nights out in the wilderness).

AND THE WINNER ISSSSSSS...

For my money, the strongest comic book of the year was the Judge Death 2025 Mega Special, from Rebellion.

I've always loved the fact that the futuristic, post-apocalyptic, sci-fi world of Judge Dredd also freely embraces the supernatural.

Thus, it should come as no surprise that my favourite villainous characters in the decades-long, ongoing saga are The Dark Judges: Judge Fear, Judge Mortis, Judge Fire and their iconic poster boy, Judge Death.

This year's Mega Special, published to celebrate 45 years of Dredd's demonic nemeses, showcased all four of the Dark Judges in their own nightmare-fuelled short stories, beautifully written and illustrated by a variety of creators from 2000AD's stable of talent.

Antony Johnston's ultracreepy Fade To Grey (with art from Lee Carter and letters by Rob Steen), for instance, gave me a whole new appreciation of Judge Mortis

This 48-page magazine, released in time for Halloween, has been the only comic book in 2025 that, once I'd reached the end, I had a powerful urge to simply start again at page one.

Imagine my delight this Christmas when I discovered that Rachel had not only got me a print of that incredibly striking Brian Bolland cover but also had it framed, so that it was ready to hang once the seasonal festivities were in the rear view mirror.

The framed picture has now found a permanent residence on the wall adjacent to my new Dredd-laden bookshelves.

HALLOWEEN HORROR: Bloody Muscle Body Builder In Hell (1995)

Trapped inside a haunted house, a body builder must survive a blood soaked night of insanity to save himself and his friends from a demonic ghost that is hell-bent on revenge.

Bloody Muscle Body Builder In Hell aka The Japanese Evil Dead wears its love of Sam Raimi's original movies proudly on its sleeve and makes no bones about "homaging" styles, shots, and even classic lines from Evil Dead and Evil Dead II.

Writer/director/star Shinichi Fukazawa's 1995 subtitled horror barely lasts over an hour and while it starts slowly, the extended final act is simply a gonzo sequence of man-versus-indestructible demon that fans of Raimi's early work will really appreciate.

The basic plot wallows joyfully in its grainy, direct-to-video, amateur constraints following the titular bodybuilder opening up a creepy, rundown, old house in the city - which his father owned decades ago - to try and woo back his ex-girlfriend, a photojournalist looking for a "ghost story".

They've brought with them a psychic, who promptly gets possessed by the angry spirit of a murdered woman and can only be stopped by the complete dismemberment and destruction of their corpse.

The ghost uses the psychic's abilities to boost her own and trap the bodybuilder and journalist in the house, like a supernatural escape room where their only chance at freedom depends on the total eradication of the paranormal presence. 

There are moments - particularly when animated body parts combine - that reminded me of that other old school, darkly funny, Grand Guignol splatter classic, Re-Animator.

Stop-motion special effects bring a touch of Jan Švankmajer to the proceedings, while also feeling very Japanese, and the body builder's climactic discovery of his 'inner power' was reminiscent of both the TV iteration of The Incredible Hulk and Grant Morrison and Richard Case's Flex Mentallo in Morrison's seminal run on the Doom Patrol comics.

A shockingly fun, cheap and cheerful, short film, what Bloody Muscle Body Builder In Hell lacks in originality it makes up for in its passion for the material, accepting its budgetary and technical limitations and embracing them with great aplomb.

Gothic Horror Continues Even When Halloween Is Over

HALLOWEEN HORROR: Late Night With The Devil (2023)

On Halloween night 1977, in a bid to win the ratings war, late night talk show host Jack Delroy (David Dastmalchian) hosted a live demonic possession on his show, Night Owls.

The (faux) documentary, Late Night With The Devil, screens the whole show, intercut with black and white, candid, behind-the-scenes footage when the talk show cuts to commercials.

It opens though with an account of Jack's rise to fame (narrated by Michael Ironside), his involvement with The (the very real) Grove, the tragic death of his wife Madeleine (Georgina Haig), and his constant struggles - and failures - to score better ratings than The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.

The documentary segues smoothly into Jack's Halloween special episode of Night Owls, which opens with an obviously fake psychic, Christou (Fayssal Bazzi), who clashes with magician-turned-professional sceptic Carmichael Haig (Ian Bliss).

Eventually, Christou (who might actually be sensing something) ends up projectile vomiting blood over Haig before he is taken off to get medical attention, making way for the evening's main attraction.

Then  the show (and film) introduces us to young Lilly (Ingrid Torelli), who was rescued from a brutal Satanic cult (who all, otherwise, died by fire rather than allow the FBI to take them in). Her saviour was parapsychologist author June Ross-Mitchell (Laura Gordon), who became the girl's guardian and then started working with her, trying to understand if she really was possessed by a supernatural entity.

From the get-go, Lilly is a demonic Jan Brady with a dead-eyed thousand yard stare, but once June reluctantly calls forth whatever is inside the young girl - she refers to it as Mr Wiggles - her transformation is terrifying and impressive.

Even amongst an impressive line-up of older actors, Torelli gives a bravura performance as the centre of attention, who manages to be nightmarishly creepy even when seemingly trying to be nice and not channelling dark forces from the great beyond. 

Dark secrets are laid bare, convictions are challenged, people die graphic deaths, and general shenanigans ensue.

The build-up, and pacing, directed by Cameron and Colin Cairnes from their own script, is methodical and steady, giving the gradual of collapse of the Night Owls talk show into chaos and carnage a genuine sense of believability.

Perhaps this really is recently unearthed footage from a legendary episode of American '70s late night talk show folklore...

This is the stuff creepypasta and urban legends are born out of.

Kind of aiming for similar territory as our Ghostwatch (with a liberal dash of The Exorcist), Late Night With The Devil does a spectacular job of maintaining verisimilitude while seeding clues through its simple and straightforward storyline, right up until the end.

It just fails to stick the landing by seemingly breaking its format to peel back the curtain for anyone who hadn't already twigged why everything was happening.

Maybe a documentary bookend, akin to the opening of the film, digging more into Jack's background might been better, but then again the repeated image of Jack shouting into the camera "turn off your television" is still very striking (and very Invasion of The Body Snatchers).

I guess it could be classed as found footage, but don't be put off by that, this isn't hours of shaky cam as teenagers run through woods in the middle of the night, this has higher aspirations than that.

In truth, while "found footage" can be more miss than hit with me, I do have a particular soft spot for this story format sub-genre, the mockumentary presenting something supernatural as if it were real, especially when they are done well - which Late Night With The Devil is (barring that one niggle of mine).

HALLOWEEN HORROR: Aquarium of The Dead (2021)

Aquarium of The Dead (which I only just discovered was a sequel to Zoombies) sees a batch of infected animal vaccinations turning a random selection of creatures at a sea-life centre (from star fish to a giant octopi, giant crabs to a single dolphin) into man-eating monsters. 

While the film looks half-decent, it is undermined by awful acting, a lame script, continuity errors, a surfeit of two-dimensional characters who add nothing to the mix, and just a shit-ton of stupid.

To give it its due, the film tries to add depth - particularly in the sub-plot of how the contaminated vaccines got into the creatures in the first place - but there's no rhyme nor reason to how this virus spreads and what affect it has on the creatures.

Even by Asylum standards, Aquarium of The Dead leaves a lot to be desired and this can be put down almost entirely to the script and editing.

Bad acting can be humorous, but an illogical, inconsistent narrative - that doesn't so much as come to a climax as it just stops - is pretty inexcusable when it could have been pared down to something far simpler.

HALLOWEEN HORROR: The Wicker Man (1973)

To balance up the sins of that awful Nic Cage rehash, I thought this was as good a time as any to revisit the peerless 1973 original of The Wicker Man.

Dour, puritanical, West Highland Police sergeant Howie (Edward Woodward) receives an anonymous letter, telling him about the case of a missing girl - Rowan Morrison.

She was supposed to have disappeared on the secluded Summerisle, a remote Hebridean island famed for its popular and unusually abundant fruit produce.

However, when he arrives there, the islanders claim never to have heard of the girl. Even the woman Howie believes is her mother, post mistress May Morrison (Irene Sunter), denies that she's her daughter.

Realising that this investigation isn't going to be an open-and-shut case, Howie takes a room at the island's Green Man Inn, where he meets the landlord's lovely daughter, Willow (Britt Ekland, dubbed by Annie Ross).

Struggling to come to terms with the girl's disappearance evolving into a question of semantics, humourless Howie of the 'fun police' grows increasingly frustrated with the islanders' pagan ways of public nudity, dogging, fertility rituals, singing (there's so many songs in The Wicker Man it could be classed as a musical), dancing etc.

Finding a grave for the missing girl, Howie gains permission from the island's head honcho, the charismatic Lord Summerisle (Christopher Lee), to exhume her body... only to find that Rowan's coffin doesn't contain her body.

As May Day draws near, Howie begins to suspect that Rowan isn't really dead, but being held hostage to be used in a pagan sacrifice to ensure that the island's crops don't fail as they did the year before.

Of course, we all know that the machinations of the islanders are far more sinister than that, leading to the classic - and well-known - climax (that doesn't involve bees).

It was my late father who introduced me to The Wicker Man and therefore it has always held a special significance for me.

I watched the director's cut, which had been shown on Film 4, so it had all the bits that had been cut out of the original release (just in lower quality, which is a shame because it makes those scenes draw attention to themselves for the wrong reasons).

Surely, there must be technology now that could restore these low-quality scenes to the standard of the rest of the film? That would be worth sacrificing a few virgins for, right?

It's been too long since I've seen The Wicker Man, despite it being one of my favourite movies (not just in this genre, but of all-time), and I was reminded just how many moments were lifted from it for the more recent remake... and yet that still managed to get so much wrong.

Not a scary horror per se, The Wicker Man is disorientating and unnerving, and its very lack of overt supernatural elements gives it a terrifying verisimilitude that makes you wonder if perhaps such events could still occur in modern times.

And it's always worth being reminded of this:

HALLOWEEN HORROR: Zoombies (2016)

When a strange virus quickly spreads through a safari park and turns all the zoo animals undead, those left in the park must stop the creatures before they escape and zombify the whole city.

While it's doubtful this will spawn a franchise like Sharknado (that's a special kind of lightning you can't catch in a bottle twice), The Asylum's Zoombies had the potential, on paper, to be another cult classic.

The Eden Wildlife Park is about reopen after a major upgrade, to turn it into a family-friendly visitor attraction, when several capuchin monkeys are brought to the veterinary unit, exhibiting signs of an unknown virus.

Attempts to find out what's wrong with one of them results in its death and then immediate return to life as a zombie-monkey, which promptly kills the vets and infects its kin.

The monkeys escape, and soon all the animals in the zoo are turning into vicious undead monsters, as the few staff on duty - and a coachload of new interns - struggle to prevent the infection from spreading outside the park.

I appreciated the fact that there's no hanging around with Zoombies. It opens with a television advert for the park, and then the infected monkey shows up and all hell breaks loose. And all that's even before the opening credits.

The film is part Zoo (the TV series where the animals of world turn on mankind), with a dash of Jurassic Park, all mixed in with horror movie-standard zombies (even though, for a change, these can't spread their zombie infection to humans).

Unfortunately as the virus spreads and more, and larger, animals become infected, the story becomes increasing preposterous and ill thought out, the acting takes a hit, and the special effects deteriorate (particularly memorable examples being the fuzzy-edged CGI elephants and the least convincing zip line experience in cinema history).

Elements that would be seen as foreshadowing in a regular film - such as the bond zoo owner Dr. Ellen Rogers' (Kim Nielsen) young daughter, Thea (La La Nestor) has with the gorilla Kifo (played by Ivan Djurovic in a great ape suit), or lead character Lizzy's (Ione Butler) backstory about why she got into working as a security guard - turned out to have no bearing on the plot of Zoombies.

For the first half-hour or so, I had high hopes. This movie was never going to win any awards, but the core idea was intriguing, the set-up was good, and even the majority of zombie creatures were pretty decent (and I didn't even mind that Kifo was obviously a bloke in a furry suit).

Sadly, as the film progressed, I kind of got the impression that all the effort had gone into front-loading the story and no one had really thought out a convincing ending.

There are moments when Zoombies hits that "so bad it's good" sweet spot, but disappointingly not as many as I was hoping for from the previews (see above).

HALLOWEEN HORROR: The Wicker Man (2006)

To quote the late, great Edward Woodward from the original Wicker Man:

What have I just watched?

I'm not sure what made Neil LaBute think he could - and should - remake The Wicker Man, one of the finest rural horror movies ever captured on film, or why he thought Nic Cage would make the perfect stand in for Edward Woodward.

Now, I'm a big fan of Cage, particularly when he's allowed to go completely off the hook (cf. Mandy), but in this unnecessary reboot he's kept too restrained and uptight, almost constipated, as the bee-allergic Edward Malus.

A former motorcycle cop, coping with PTSD after he failed to save a young woman and her daughter from a car fire, Edward receives a mysterious letter (hand written with a wax seal and no stamp - so, not strange at all in this day and age) from his ex-fiancée, Willow Woodward (Kate Beahan), telling him that her daughter has gone missing.

Willow's back living on the secluded, private island where she was raised, which, when he gets there, Edward discovers is a farming commune, a matriarchal cult led by the enigmatic Sister SummersIsle (Ellen Burstyn).

Except for Willow, the islanders aren't pleased to see Edward or help him in his investigations, claiming either that Willow's daughter, Rowan (Erika-Shaye Gair), never existed or died in a tragic accident.

Learning that the island is also home to many, many bee hives, Edward gets the general runaround, being led a merry - and totally random - dance by the natives, until the inevitable Wicker Man climax of the piece.

This will come as absolutely no surprise to anyone with even a passing acquaintance with the original (which, like the chestburster in Alien, has become a pop culture meme that reaches way beyond geeks and horror movie buffs).

The use of papyrus font in the opening credits didn't bode well, but I was determined to grin and bear it, to see if this version of The Wicker Man was truly as awful as everyone said.

Honestly, there could have been a half-decent horror film in the bones of LaBute's Wicker Man, if he had had the courage to make it its own thing and shed the allusions to the peerless original.

As it stands, it brings nothing new to the party and elements like the "Easter Egg" of Edward's first name and Willow's surname just come across as a bit crass and heavy-handed (like a big sign saying "oooh, aren't we clever?").

The weirdness of the islanders is so arch and on-the-nose that it's as if Edward has landed  somewhere between The League Of Gentlemen's Royston Vasey and Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, an over-the-top parody rather than a serious attempt to replicate the unnerving and atmospheric horror of the original Summerisle.

The pacing is plodding and pedestrian to begin with, interlaced with some hilariously awful dialogue, as evidenced in the truly bizarre "oh god, not the bees" scene.

And the fact that the film requires an epic infodump in the final sequence to explain to Edward what's happening was the icing on a particularly drab cake.

HALLOWEEN HORROR: The Call of Cthulhu (2005)

 

"... some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new dark age."

- HP Lovecraft 

Filmed as an authentic, 1920's black and white, silent movie, The Call of Cthulhu is an amazing 47-minute piece of work, perfectly encapsulating the psychological horror of H.P. Lovecraft's iconic story.

Styling it as a movie that Lovecraft himself might have seen in the 1920s is a stroke of genius by the filmmakers of the HP Lovecraft Historical Society, as it allows for considerable leeway when it comes to the necessary effects required to bring the Great Cthulhu - and his island home of R'lyeh - to life.

The story itself is a puzzle box, an onion of layers upon layers, beginning with a man (Matt Foyer) in an asylum recounting to his doctor (John Bolen), how he was charged with sorting out the affairs of his great-uncle, Professor Angell (Ralph Lucas), upon the old man's death.

Going through the professor's papers, the man comes across a particular box of papers and files, and as he reads these we are taken back to a series of seemingly disconnected events, from the lucid dreams of artist Henry Wilcox (Chad Fifer), via a raid by New Orleans police on a savage swamp cult, and the discovery of a drifting ship with only a single survivor onboard.

We learn about the cult's worship of alien beings, Elder Gods, who are sleeping under the sea, waiting for the "stars to align", so they can awaken again, but little else to tie things together.

Later the man - having put his concerns about his uncle's affairs to one side - stumbles across further details of the mysterious ship, which sends him on a global hunt for the elusive final pieces of the puzzle.

Eventually, he arrives in Oslo and is handed the personal account of the ship's lone survivor.

This details the discovery of a strange island, where the crew disturb the resting place of the monstrous alien god Cthulhu. 

Structured as stories-within-stories-within-stories, as characters recount events in which further characters recount other events, helps accentuate the disorientating, dream-like nature of the whole affair.

Which may well just be the ramblings of a mad man.

However, clues are slowly pieced together from different events to formulate a possibly complete picture of what links all these disparate tales... and what it means for the future of humanity.

I've been reading Lovecraft since I was about 12, so am probably biased, but I love this film and treasure my old DVD of it, for all its authentic, creaky, mannered staging.

By sticking close to the original text, the combination of Sean Branney's script and Andrew Leman's direction, within the self-imposed constraints of vintage filmmaking, make Call of Cthulhu one of the best, pure, Lovecraftian adaptations.

It isn't about gore and jump scares, the horror comes from the larger scale suggestion of what the narrative implies.

HALLOWEEN HORROR: Willy's Wonderland (2021)

A nameless, eccentric, taciturn drifter (Nicolas Cage) finds himself stranded in an isolated town, and the only way he can get the cash to pay for his car repairs is by spending the night cleaning the town's derelict roadside attraction, Willy's Wonderland.

Of course, it turns out that there's a catch... of the supernatural kind.

The animatronic creatures of Willy's Wonderland not only come to life after dark, but are hungry.

There are two major factors immediately in Willy's Wonderland's favour: firstly, is there, really, such a thing as a bad Nic Cage movie (The Wicker Man aside, but that's a whole 'nother conversation)?

And, secondly, any film that plays out with Free Bird scores well with me.

However, ultimately, Willy's Wonderland feels like a movie where the idea was better on paper than in its execution.

Cage playing a character that doesn't say a word is an inspired choice, but his performance is surprisingly restrained. 

Even though there's plenty of violent fight scenes, as well as possibly too many of him playing pinball, he lacks the expected memorable physicality of, say, Sailor Ripley from Wild at Heart.

And the plot, itself, isn't really anything that new.

Both the "town that has made a deal with the Devil" and the "murderous animatronics" are well-known horror movie tropes, but Willy's Wonderland plays them both at face value and doesn't do anything that unique or inventive with them.

The backstory to the events that unfold is gruesomely fascinating and there's a definite consistent verisimilitude about the townsfolk and the bargain they have entered into to protect their own, but I kept hoping for more.

Just off the top of my head, on the animatronic side alone, Willy's Wonderland is Child's Play writ large, mashed up with Five Nights At Freddy's, and The Banana Splits Movie.

The 'serial killer cult' (shades of The Following) was a nice touch, but then the lack of distinctly different personalities within that felt like a missed opportunity.

Cage's silence allowed locals to drop exposition on him - and us - quite convincingly. 

However, several of his character's quirks, such as his regular break schedule (whatever else was going on) are left unexplained, almost to the extent of suggesting his character is a blank slate that simply acts as the story demands... kind of like an animatronic amusement park mascot!

Enjoyable nonsense while it's on, Willy's Wonderland isn't a film that's going to be bothering anyone's Top Ten Favourite Horror Movie lists, but is silly enough for a fun, brain-in-neutral, beer-and-pizza film night viewing experience.

HALLOWEEN HORROR: The Amusement Park (1973)

George A Romero's "lost" movie, 1973's The Amusement Park is a bit of an odd fish.

It was the only work-for-hire movie the father of modern zombie cinema made, commissioned by the Lutheran Service Society of Western Pennsylvania "as an educational film about elder abuse", but shelved soon after completion.

A print was discovered of this believed-to-be-lost film in 2017, restored, and was made available to view on Shudder.

Directed and edited by George A Romero, from a script by Wally Cook, The Amusement Park primarily features volunteer actors, or people who were actually involved in elderly care at the time.

In an interview, Romero's wife Suzanne Desrocher-Romero is quoted as saying:

"They [did] use it initially, but I suspect that they thought it was a little edgier than they would have liked."

Clocking in at just under an hour, the main story is bookended by stage actor Lincoln Maazel (who portrays the main character in the film) addressing the audience on how poorly the elderly generation are treated and how we should all change our attitudes to be more accommodating.

The story commences with a jovial Maazel entering an anonymous white room with a single door out.

There's another old man in there, looking the worse for wear, and groaning.

Maazel tries to engage him in conversation, but the battered man simply tells him there's nothing out there and not to go through the door.

Opening the door, Maazel - who also plays the key role of Tateh Cuda in Romero's 1978 vampire film Martin - sees a busy fun fair and steps through.

What follows is a metaphorical bombardment of this old man, with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer, as he stumbles - increasingly deliriously - through a cavalcade of on-the-nose - but often still rather clever - allegories about old age. 

For instance, pensioners are seen queueing up to hawk their valuables in exchange for tickets to the fun fair rides; there's an eye test before you're allowed to drive one of the dodgems (bumper cars) and if you hit someone police and insurance company reps show up; when Maazel tries to be kind to some children he gets heckled as a "degenerate"; a young couple visit a fortune teller and see a terrifying vision of their future in a rundown flat, penniless, and unable to get the medicine they require etc

When Maazel tries to help fellow elderly punters at the fair, the younger - more numerous - visitors don't pay him any attention.

At one point he is hustled into an attraction ominously called Boot Hill, which turns out to be a grim physiotherapy centre.

A "freak show" just features old people, and when Maazel goes to leave, the crowd proclaim that "one is escaping" and chase after him.

There's a moment when Maazel is set upon by a trio of bikers.

Another scene has him being pickpocketed by a sleazy con-artist.

Even when it seems like he might have found some solace reading The Three Little Pigs to a picnicking girl her mother soon packs up and takes the girl away, leaving Maazel almost in tears.

Finally, the ground down and broken Maazel stumbles back into the white room, now the battered version of himself as his earlier self enters the room again, fresh and full of optimism.

Stylistically, I feel The Amusement Park owes a lot to 1962's Carnival of Souls, with elements of Stanley Kubrick's 1971 A Clockwork Orange,.

You can also see echoes of The Amusement Park in LQ Jones's 1975 adaptation of Harlan Ellison's A Boy and His Dog.

It's obvious from the get-go why the film's commissioners decided not to go with this peculiar oddity as their Public Service Announcement of choice.

It falls into the same broad category as the notoriously disquieting British public information films of the same era, but is considerably longer - and more surreal - than those tended to be. 

While The Amusement Park does get across its point about the systemic mistreatment and general abandonment of the elderly, it does it in a way that is more likely to turn off a general audience rather than inspire them to take positive action. 

Not because of its more shocking and dark content, but because of its art house approach of disjointed sounds and imagery.

As an amateur cinéaste, I found The Amusement Park an interesting watch (primarily because of who directed it), but I can't say it educated or inspired me about elderly care in any manner.

Additional research c/o Wikipedia.

HALLOWEEN HORROR: Mandy (2018)

Revenge thrillers are not renowned for their complex plots and they don't come more linear than Nicolas Cage's wonderously visceral Mandy (out on DVD this week).

It's 1983 and grizzled lumberjack - and man of few words - Red Miller (Cage) and his artistic, hippy, girlfriend Mandy Bloom (Andrea Riseborough) live an idyllic life in the wilderness.

Unfortunately, by chance, one day Mandy catches the eye of failed musician and deranged cult leader Jeremiah Sand (Linus Roache).

Sand employs demented biker gang The Black Skulls to kidnap Mandy for his pleasure, but things don't go exactly according to plan, sending Red on an epic, furious, quest for vengeance.

At times feeling like a journey into Hell curated by David Lynch, Mandy is part Apocalypse Now, part Texas Chain Saw Massacre, and part Unforgiven, taking queues from multiple genres as writer/director Panos Cosmatos aims his laser-focus on Red's mythic mission of revenge.

I loves me some weird cult shit and Mandy delivers on that front with The Black Skulls and Sand's Children of the New Dawn, and enough peculiar characters and mannered dialogue to populate a suburb of Twin Peaks.

Startling visuals merge with subtle camera tricks to disorientate the viewer, enhancing our insights into the minds of both protagonist and antagonist, creating an artistic cocktail of psychedelic grindhouse.

Reminiscent of Baskin in its brutal relentlessness, Mandy, however, is more concerned with the human - and occasionally superhuman - monster than the cosmic.

The role of Red is one that only Cage could truly have embodied, segueing from effortless charm to ruthless killer as his descent into madness progresses.

With a running time just shy of two hours, Mandy feels a fraction of that duration thanks to its spectacular pacing and addictive imagery.

The plot may be a short railroad, but the scenery is breathtakingly hypnotic as you are catapulted along this stunning and unforgettable ride.

HALLOWEEN HORROR: The Seed (2021)

Three old friends - vapid online influencer Deidre (Lucy Martin from Vikings), pet shop worker Charlotte (I Hate Suzie's Chelsea Edge), and Heather (Sophie Vavasseur, Resident Evil: Apocalypse) - head for chilled weekend at an isolated luxury villa in the Mojave desert.

The idea being they will spend the time catching-up, drinking, taking drugs and watching a "once-in-a-lifetime" meteor shower.

However, an unexpected side effect of the meteor shower is the arrival of a strange creature, dropping out the sky into the villa's swimming pool.

Thinking it's possibly an armadillo or a bear cub, Charlotte wants to care for it, but the others are less keen and just want rid of the bizarre, stinking object.

However, as the weekend unfolds, the new arrival begins to have a strange effect on first Deidre and then Heather, before Charlotte (the obvious Final Girl from the moment she appears on screen) realises what is going on.

The first feature-length work from writer-director Sam Walker, The Seed is an engrossing - if not totally original - spin on an anti-E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial meets Color Out Of Space story.

On a superficial level, this is a 1950s shlock horror movie of the "aliens-want-our-women" sub-genre, updated for the contemporary social media generation. 

I was really expecting to find the leads annoying, but even the over-the-top Deidre is hypnotically watchable because of Lucy Martin's stellar performance.

Throw in some surreal Society-style shunting; psychedelic mental communications; and gallons of black, alien, blood and you have a great recipe for an enjoyable 90-minute Lovecraftian body horror romp.

The alien creature itself is fascinating as it is largely passive, but, as long as you can suspend your disbelief, this puppet-from-another-planet is a compelling antagonist since it relies primarily on mental powers - rather than physical - to get what it wants.

The script isn't perfect though. While Charlotte and Deidre are well-developed characters, Heather seems oddly lacking any sort of backstory beyond the fact that her father owns the villa and she's constantly worried about messing it up.

And when Charlotte and Heather are exploring the seemingly-abandoned cabin of their nearest neighbour, there's a definite suggestion that something apocalyptic has happened to the rest of the world already, and yet later we learn this is not the case.

Conversely, through the clever use of clairvoyant montages, The Seed does an excellent job of foreshadowing the alien invader's plans for the Earth without anyone spoon-feeding them to the audience.

Sam Walker also clearly loves his fake-out endings, which I always approve of if done well and these are.