Sword Of The Barbarians (1982)

 
There is something quite delicious about watching a crappy old swords and sorcery B-movie on VHS cassette, that certain - almost illicit - frisson of knowing that this movie is so awful it isn't available in any better format.

That said, Sword Of The Barbarians (aka Barbarian Master aka Sangraal, la spada di fuoco) is a surprisingly decent Dungeons & Dragons-esque quest movie.

Nomad chieftain Sangraal (Pietro Torrisi aka Peter McCoy) is leading his people through the wilderness when they stumble upon a group of villagers under attack.

Driving off the attackers, Sangraal asks to be taken back to their village, where he is greeted by headman Belam (Luciano Rossi aka Lou Kamante) and invited to stay and settle down - much to the delight of his people.

However, word gets back to the villainous Nanuk (Mario Novelli aka Anthony Freeman) - enemy of Belam's people and worshipper of topless fire goddess Rani (Xiomara Rodriguez) - that a stranger has appeared in the valley and has been killing his men.

Rani demands vengeance - so Nanuk launches an attack on the village, capturing Sangraal and forcing him to watch as the village is put to the sword and his wife Lenne (Margareta Rance) is cut down in front of him.

Luckily, Belam's daughter, Aki (Yvonne Fraschetti), escapes the massacre with the aid of wandering Easterner, Li Wo Twan (Hal Yamanouchi aka Al Huang), and they free Sangraal.

Sangraal's first thought isn't revenge - he wants to restore Lenne to life, which Aki (who has the hots for Sangraal) says is impossible.

Twan, however, reckons the wise man of The Black Mountains, Rudak (Massimo Pittarello), might know how to do it.

On the journey to Rudak, the trio are attacked by useless bandits, waylaid by the least-threatening sandstorm in cinematic history and finally driven into an underground cave system by a host of extras from Life Of Brian, where they meet some amusingly lame subterranean reptile people.

Finally getting to Rudak, the wizard tells Sangraal that Aki was right and he can't resurrect Lenne, however if he wants to get revenge on Nanuk and Rani he needs to travel west for three days into a forest where he'll find a cavern containing The Ark Of Templars and in that he will find the instrument of his revenge.

It might be worth pointing out, if you haven't picked up on it already, that Sangraal is another, archaic, name for the Holy Grail. 

There's some shenanigans in the forest with a tribe of monkey-people, who are in league with Nanuk, but eventually Sangraal finds the cave he was looking for - which happens to be guarded by another topless goddess (Sabrina Siani) who our hero only manages to overcome with the aid of Rudak.

In the Ark is a humongous crossbow, but by the time Sangraal retrieves it, Nanuk has captured Aki and whisked her back to his own luxury cave where she is held hostage, as naked bait to draw Sangraal in for his final confrontation.

Much fighting ensues and in the end, once he has seen Aki's boobies, Sangraal has forgotten all about his beloved Lenne and found romance in the ample bosom of Aki.

Sword Of The Barbarians is a strange cocktail of Deathstalker and Hawk The Slayer and while not reaching the heights of excellence of either of these legendary movies, it manages to survive translation from Italian and rebranding as an American flick remarkably well.

Large quantities of low-lying smoke in many parts of Sangraal's land made me wonder if it was close to Hawk The Slayer's Realm and Mario Novelli, with all his mwahaha-ing, scenery-chewing and histrionic proclamations is clearly channelling Jack Palance's Voltan, as the barbarian's barbarian, Nanuk.

The presence of a random Easterner is never really fully explained and, unfortunately, the character of Twan quickly deteriorates in to a fortune-cookie-proverb-spouting stereotype whose ramblings eventually prompt Sangraal to cut him off. A harsh word that comes back to haunt him - and suggests that maybe a bit more thought went into this script than you'd expect from this style of movie.

While the creature effects (the 'lizard people' and the 'monkey-men') are very basic, the frequent fight scenes are an odd mix of cheap gore and bloodless acrobatics - yet surprisingly entertaining for a trashy, low-budget swords and sorcery piece.

If you can find Sword Of The Barbarians I definitely recommend checking it out.

It's not Robert McKee or Syd Field, but if you give the script a chance you'll find it hangs together very well and gamers will appreciate the pure Dungeons & Dragons-ness of the whole ensemble (torch-lit expeditions in underground cave systems, monsters, pit traps, magic etc).

Sword Of The Barbarians doesn't aspire to be high art and embraces its sub-Conan silliness without resorting to slapstick or knowingly undermining its world view.

Give it chance - you never know you might be as enchanted by it as I was.

Knights Of Badassdom (2013)

Knights Of Badassdom exists in a mystical confluence, equal parts Monty Python & The Holy Grail, Animal House, Galaxy Quest and Evil Dead but never quite rises to the brilliance of its forebears.

Having just been dumped by his girlfriend, wannabe doom metal singer Joe (True Blood's Ryan Kwanten) is 'kidnapped' by his two best friends - hardcore LARPers Eric (Steve Zahn) and Hung (Game Of Thrones' Peter Dinklage) - to the site of their next big event, The Battle Of Evermore.

Joe is reluctantly talked into joining the Live Action Role Playing game - helped by the presence of the lovely Gwen (Firefly's Summer Glau) - but, unfortunately, in his quest for authenticity Eric has purchased a magical tome off eBay that turns out to be a long lost book belonging to the famous Elizabethan sorcerer John Dee.

When Eric reads a page at random as a mock spell, he unknowingly summons a succubus from Hell that proceeds to feed on the souls of the LARPers.

Soon after that Joe and Gwen realise that people are dying for real and take up arms to strike back at the monstrous demon and try to save their friends.

Knights Of Badassdom starts very promisingly, with plenty of loving nods to both LARPing and Dungeons & Dragons (this certainly isn't a piss-take of geekdom), but once the horror aspect enters the mix, the film doesn't really know where to go.

Now, I'm pretty certain that I read a ways back that this release of the film was not the director's vision of the story but a cut put together by the producers. This might explain the feeling that after a while the story is just spinning its wheels.

What starts off as belly-laughing funny (very much in the style of The Big Bang Theory, but with more swearing) that had me thinking this might one day equal The Holy Grail as geeks' go-to game quote movie eventually lapses into mildly amusing, by-the-numbers fare.

There are plot holes a-plenty and a lot of undeveloped characters (for instance, what was the deal with the redneck paintballers and their major hate-on for the LARPers? Outside of explaining why the police didn't turn up at the camp site when the slaughter began, they were totally redundant to the plot), which again suggests to me a retrospective recutting of the film, for whatever reason, making do with what footage was on-hand.

Don't get me wrong, it's good and certainly clever in parts, but there's an inescapable feeling that it could have been much better. There are some great characters, and great "in-story" world-building by the LARPers, but it all degenerates into a big slugfest with a rubber-suit monster.

Depending on your mood - and your attitude to random absurdity in movies - the climax of Knights Of Badassdom will either have you smirking at its ridiculousness or reaching for the remote control to turn off the television.

It's such a shame because I genuinely believe this could have been - if done right - a cult classic. As it is, I fear it will simply be swept under the carpet as a missed opportunity and promptly forgotten about.

Of course, the film's biggest mistake: not enough Dinklage.

Your Highness (2011)

In the little publicity over here at the time of its cinematic release much play was made of Your Highness - and even later in the marketing of the DVD - being a "stoner comedy", with much of the humour seemingly derived from pot-related jokes and situations.

But that is so not the case. Your Highness is a brilliant, well-observed, swords-and-sorcery film that happens to also be hilariously, tears-down-the-cheek, laugh-out-loud funny, obscenely lewd and crude (although with very little actual nudity), quite gross at times with moments of graphic violence and only about two or three scenes involving weed.

James Franco is Fabious, heroic favoured son of King Tallious (Charles Dance) who returns home from his latest quest, having rescued a beautiful maiden - the naïve Belladonna (Zooey Deschanel) from the tower of the evil sorcerer Leezar (Justin Theroux).

Unfortunately, on the day of Fabious and Belladonna's wedding, Leezar crashes the festivities and kidnaps the bride-to-be - thus prompting Fabious to embark on another quest.

However, the King insists that Fabious is joined by his foul-mouthed, feckless and irreverent brother Thadeous (Danny McBride) to "make a man of him".

After an unfortunate, early betrayal, the brothers  - and Thadeous's page Courtney (Rasmus Hardiker) - team up with lethal, no-nonsense warrior Isabel (Natalie Portman) who saves them from an acid-spitting hydra - and manages to look utterly gorgeous throughout the movie.

The dialogue is a hearty cocktail of cod-dramatic, almost Shakespearean, seriousness and jaunty slang - with the only true anachronism in the story being the appearance of a plate of fishfingers!

The marketing for Your Highness was so intent on pushing the "edgy" drugs angle - which is such a small part of the humour anyway - that it failed to even hint that this was a film with magic and monsters in!

In fact, this is everything I had hoped for from Kröd Mändoon And The Flaming Sword Of Fire (remember that?) and failed to get.

Old School gamers, in particular, will get a kick out of this because Your Highness is basically a true representation of "in-character" dialogue between participants in a Dungeons & Dragons adventure - swearing, banter, crude jokes, sexual innuendo and a lot of laughing - while slashing their way through a "rescue the princess" scenario.

There's a chance this could become the gamer's 21st Century go-to movie for "at table quoting" - alongside earlier classics such as Monty Python And The Holy Grail and Army Of Darkness.

It also made me think: there aren't enough "rescue the princess" scenarios in gaming these days. It's all about finding a special treasure (which Thadeous does) and averting prophecies (which they do), but Your Highness is a great example of how you can blend the classic dungeon-crawl, hack'n'slash mentality with a genuine romantic story as well - and not let the latter get so soppy as to overwhelm the former.

This sort of adventure is heightened by giving the player-characters a personal stake in their quest - which is why it's always good, eventually, to find out a bit about a character's backstory or try to inveigle them into some kind of in-campaign romance or relationship.

Is The Quest For My Holy Grail of Roleplaying Games Over?

Could a Monty Python roleplaying game be my Holy Grail?

Remember back in February when I swore I wasn't going to but any more roleplaying games just because they looked pretty? And then in March when I did just that, but persuaded myself they would be of use in my planned fantasy campaign?

Well, to quote Britney Spears: oops, I did it again!

This time, I cast the blame squarely on my favourite online gaming store, Dungeonland, and it's current, very niche, and rather incredible sale offer.

As you can see in the picture above, I purchased both Monty Python’s Cocurricular Mediaeval Reenactment Programme Sensible Middle Class Edition and Monty Python’s Head Of Light Entertainment Gamemaster Screen... for a fiver each!

Published by Exalted Funeral, this official Monty Python roleplaying game is, as I understand it, largely a Medieval-set roleplaying game - think Monty Python & The Hold Grail - of extreme silliness.

Do I think I'll ever run it for the Tuesday Knights? I doubt it very much, primarily because - again, from what I've read and heard via online reviews and YouTube videos - it works better for chaotic one-shots than ongoing games.

However, I'm lead to believe that the rulebook is a fantastic source of information for the Holy Grail (and other select Python creations), which means it will almost certainly help me with ideas for the sword and sorcery campaign I've been plotting for a while now.

Also, I've never seen a box for a gamesmaster's screen that's so deep (4cm): I can't wait to find out what's in it and figure out what bits and bobs I could use with another roleplaying system.

Of course, I could have been totally misinformed and Monty Python’s Cocurricular Mediaeval Reenactment Programme turns out to be the perfect system for my 'forever' campaign.

Let's see how that goes...

Back of the Head of Light Entertainment Screen box

Labyrinth (1986)

My quest for creative and imaginative films that can inspire gamers continues with the sublime Labyrinth from Jim Henson.

With a screenplay by Monty Python's Terry Jones, puppetry from the Jim Henson Creature Shop, designs by Brian Froud, production by George Lucas and music, as well as central performance, by David Bowie... what could go wrong?

In fact, very little. Although, primarily a children's fairy tale, there are still elements that an older, more cynical, eye could possibly view as "inappropriate", such as the Goblin King (Bowie's) expressed feelings for the 16-year-old Jennifer's Connelly's character. But is he telling the truth or just using it as misdirection?

Whatever the case, it gives Labyrinth that darker edge common to the original Grimms' Fairy Tales.

I do wonder also what younger viewers make of some of the stranger, Alice-in-Wonderland-like imagery, particularly the ballroom sequence and the Escher-inspired staircases of the Goblin King's castle. Nevertheless, the film is always engaging and its spectacular visuals only falter occasionally when an aged piece of greenscreening is employed for certain effects.

Connelly plays Sarah, a dreamy teenager annoyed at having to babysit her younger brother Toby who wishes "goblins would come and take him away".

When they do, she goes on a quest through the Labyrinth to reach the castle beyond the goblin city where he is being held by Jareth The Goblin King.

In Dungeons And Dragons terms, while there may be very little actual fighting (until Sarah and her friends arrive at the goblin city), this remains one of the best live-action portrayals of a "dungeon crawl" that I can think of from the 1980s - complete with atmospheric corridors, secret passages, pit traps, talking statues, wandering monsters, etc

Sarah is joined on her adventure by a mixed species party of fellow adventurers including the gnome/dwarf Hoggle, the anthopomorphic fox Sir Didymus and the giant hairy beast Ludo (with the useful 'summon boulders' ability).

This again makes it all an interesting study from the gaming perspective with the different characters bringing different skills to the group and each adding their own dynamic.

As a fairy tale Labyrinth needs a moral and I guess it's about growing up and learning what's important (e.g. friendship and family over material possessions), but also the necessity of retaining a spark of child-like imagination and wonder.

Jabberwocky (1977)

A Dark Age kingdom is being terrorised by a mysterious monster, driving much of its populace to seek shelter behind the walls of the main city.

Eventually doddery, old King Bruno the Questionable (comedy legend Max Wall) decides to organise a brutal jousting tournament to find "a champion" to slay the beast.

This is despite appeals by his equally aged Chancellor, Passelewe (the always excellent John Le Mesurier of Dad's Army and the Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy radio plays) who would rather the search was conducted in such a way as to not keep killing off the land's knights.

Meanwhile, upon the death of his father, clueless and clumsy Dennis Cooper (future national treasure Michael Palin) decides to leave the village where he grew up and move to the city, to start afresh.

This leads to a series of chaotic, often slapstick, set-pieces as he bumbles his way through every encounter from trying to get into the city to being mistaken for a prince-in-disguise by Bruno's daughter, the princess (Deborah Fallender).

Her hand-in-marriage and half the kingdom are being offered by the king to whoever kills the troublesome monster.

After his only friend, Ethel the lusty squire (Steptoe and Son's Harry H. Corbett), is accidentally killed, Dennis ends up as the squire to the eventual champion of the joust, Red Herring (Dave Prowse aka Darth Vader), and the two brave men set out into the mist-dappled lands, looking for the fearful monster.

However, the church and the rich merchant-nobles of the city aren't so keen to see the creature murdered because it is surprisingly good for business, as people are buying and praying more.

Therefore, they engineer an ambush by the Black Knight (also Dave Prowse), and his small gang of thugs, to take out Red Herring - and Dennis - before they actually reach the monster's lair.

I can't believe I was halfway through my sixtieth cycle around the sun before I made time to see Jabberwocky, a wonderfully, very British, dark comedy with smatterings of gory Grand Guignol.

While strictly not a Monty Python movie, it is written and directed by Terry Gilliam, stars Michael Palin and features several Python regular collaborators, as well as a host of British comedy faces of the era.

There's also the visual, grimy Medieval verisimilitude of 1975's Monty Python and The Holy Grail (which Gilliam co-directed) and a similar picaresque throughline to 1979's Life of Brian.

The monster - which may be the Jabberwocky of the title, but is never directly called that - remains unseen until the climax, with Gilliam instead employing canny, low-budget camera techniques as would be used in Sam Raimi's 1981 Evil Dead (and then the rest of that gore-drenched franchise).

Once we finally see it, the Jabberwocky (a man in a costume) is more Classic Doctor Who era alien than glorious Sir John Tenniel illustration, but that just heightens the surreal craziness of the film.

The film's title, and monster's possible name, comes, of course, from the famous nonsense poem in Lewis Carroll's Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There.

Snatches of the poem are heard, Greek Chorus-like, throughout the film, recited by an unseen - and unidentified - Punch and Judy puppeteer, heightening the mythological - or fairy tale - nature of the adventure.

Ultimately, the 105-minute Jabberwocky may not be as laugh-out-loud funny as much of Gilliam's other work, but it still manages to be subversive and smart behind its veneer of blood, guts, and toilet humour.

Erik The Viking (1989)

It is the Age of Ragnarok, the skies are dark, and men are constantly at war with each other. Erik The Viking (Tim Robbins) is sick and tired of the endless cycle of marauding and looting to pay for the next expedition to go marauding and looting. He wants things to change.

Feeling guilty for the death of an innocent woman, Helga (Samantha Bond), he seeks the advice of mountain cave-dwelling soothsayer Freya (Eartha Kitt). 

Following her proclamations, he assembles a band of men to head to the mythical land of Hy-Brasil, to find a magical horn that will grant access to Asgard and the ability to awaken the gods, who will then drive off the giant wolf Fenrir that has swallowed the sun.

However, not only is the villainous Halfdan The Black (John Cleese) on his trail, but one of his party, Keitel Blacksmith (Gary Cady), has been persuaded to try and sabotage the mission by his weaselly assistant, the ominously-named Loki (Anthony Sher), because "Ragnarok is good for business". 

Unfortunately Erik The Viking, written and directed by Monty Python's Terry Jones (director of two of the greatest cinematic comedies of all-time, Monty Python and The Holy Grail and Life of Brian) is neither as funny nor as action-packed as one might have hoped.

Not to be confused with Erik The Conqueror or The Vikings, this archetypal British comedy-adventure embraces its Norse mythology wonderfully, yet through a cynical contemporary eye, giving the whole production a strongly surreal tone.

After an awkward pre-credits prologue that hasn't aged well, the story comes alive as we meet the violent Vikings of Ravens' Fjord and Erik sets about putting together his "adventuring party".

It's been decades since I'd last seen Erik The Viking, and the only thing I could truly remember from it was Erik's longship sailing over the edge of the world. And it turns out that, in reality, that scene is nowhere near as epic as the visuals in my head!

As you would hope from the genius of the late Terry Jones, there are strong moments in the 99-minute movie (such as his own performance as the King of Hy-Brasil that's classic Terry Jones, and the Christian missionary, Harald, played by Freddie Jones, who is oblivious to all the fantastical things Erik and his crew encounter).

There's also some delightful world-building, where Jones' academic side gets to shine, but all of this is  sadly few and far between.

Clearly there is ambition at play here, but the reality of Erik The Viking falls far short of its lofty goals, with a chaotic script devolving into a series of mildly amusing set-pieces.

Packed to the gunnels with a host of top-tier comedy thespians, there's an inescapable feeling that a film such as this should be more memorable than it actually is.

I guess I was expecting a bit more Python, maybe even a Viking-themed riff on Holy Grail?

The Blu-Ray of Erik The Viking, from Patriot, comes with - among its many extras - a 79-minute cut of the film, put together by Jones and his editor son, Bill, that supposedly distils the movie down to the creator's original vision for the story. So I guess I should check that out at some point. 

Wrath Of The Titans (2012)

The first thing that needs to be said about Wrath Of The Titans is that, even though far from perfect, it is leagues ahead of the ill-considered Clash Of The Titans remake that spawned it.

There's even a far more respectful cameo from Bubo The Mechanical owl (from the Harryhausen original Clash Of The Titans) that I took as a discrete apology for the horrors of the first movie.

A decade after the events of Clash reluctant hero, single-parent and demigod Perseus (Sam Worthington) is called out of retirement for one last job - his father Zeus (Liam Neeson) - has been captured by an alliance of Hades (Ralph Fiennes) and Ares (Edgar Ramirez).

They have struck a deal with  Kronos (mightiest of the imprisoned Titans and father of Zeus and Hades) to hold onto their power during the twilight of the gods.

Perseus teams up with Queen Andromeda (Rosamund Pike) and the rogue Agenor (Toby Kebbel), who happens to be the son of Poseidon, and embarks on a quest to free his imprisoned father.

This involves our heroes tracking down Hephaestus (Bill Nighy) - even though Andromeda, a Grecian Queen has no idea who Hephaestus is (!) - on a mysterious island overrun by Cyclops.

Bill Nighy turns in a totally bonkers performance as the weaponsmith of the gods, seemingly channelling Monty Python, but he directs the party of adventurers to the entrance to the labyrinth that leads to Tartarus, where Zeus is being held.

Yes, our heroes are going on a dungeon crawl!

Even though, ultimately, the labyrinth is a bit of a red herring (as everyone makes it through by luck and chance in the end anyway), it's still very impressive visually and certainly inspirational for those gamers who like their underworlds' mythic.

The gods of Wrath Of The Titans are treated like comic book superheroes (with some of the fight sequences reminiscent of big screen Marvel or DC outings), and there's a solid message buried in there that mankind can get on just as well without "gods", the labyrinth (as I've said) looks incredible and some of the monsters are very well realised (the Cyclops are particularly strong, even if the random four-armed, two-headed, demon-things that precede Kronos in the final battle are a bit blah).

There's a bizarre romance that's pretty much on a par with Faramir and Eowyn in Peter Jackson's Lord Of The Rings and a mild case of cheese involving Perseus' son Helius (John Bell) - but the main thing we come to a film like this for is monsters and fighting and there it delivers.

As eye-candy, Wrath Of The Titans is a treat - and it won't make your brain ache like Clash Of The Titans.

While the story may have very little basis in mythology (it's basically generic fantasy fare, but there's nothing wrong with that) this is a decent rainy afternoon movie for those who like this kind of B-movie.

Stara Baśń: Kiedy Słońce Było Bogiem (2003)

After my visit with Mongolian cinema yesterday I was looking around for other foreign cinema to stir my gaming genes and I noticed that Polish cinema was particularly well-represented in this area, according to Amazon's recommendation service.

And where better to start this exploration of a new field (to me) than with one of the most highly regarded Polish films of this genre: Stara Baśń: Kiedy Słońce Było Bogiem (aka An Ancient Tale: When the Sun Was A God aka Army Of Valhalla)

Set during The Dark Ages, among the tribes that would one day form Poland, this is the story of corrupt prince regent Popiel (Bohdan Stupka), who is supposedly only holding the throne until his late brother's sons are fit to rule.

However, goaded on by his not-unattractive wife and former slave, Księżna (Małgorzata Foremniak) he kills one of the brothers and frames the other, then when the tribal elders refuse to recognise his own son as heir to the throne - because he is the sire of a slave - Popiel poisons them all!

Meanwhile unrest in brewing amongst the peasantry, aided Popiel's former right-hand-man Piastun The Guardian (Daniel Olbrychski) who is disenchanted by his former bosses' nefarious ways.

Piatsun is, himself, saved from assassination by the intervention of the heroic archer Ziemowit Piastowic (Michal Zebrowski, a Polish Brad Pitt).

Ziemowit, in turn, has fallen in love with Dziwa (Marina Aleksandrova), the stunning daughter of Wisz (Ryszard Filipski), a wealthy local merchant and rebel leader.

However, his desire to marry her is thwarted by the fact that she has already been 'promised to the Gods' to become a virgin priestess at the nearby island shrine.

A wonderfully complex tale of many plot strands, pulling the audience in all the right directions by dealing with honour, love, responsibility, greed, family etc, Stara Baśń is surprisingly brutal and frank in its depiction of Ninth Century life and conflict - heads roll, eyes are pierced, blood flows, naked bodies are exposed - but all in a very matter-of-fact way. Nothing is here simply for titillation, everything serves the story.

Under the direction of Jerzy Hoffman, from a script he co-wrote with Józef Hen and based upon Józef Ignacy Kraszewski's 1876 novel Stara Baśń, the film moves with a breathless pace - squeezing a hell of a lot of story into an hour and three quarters and only once straying into slightly bewildering Monty Python territory with the surprising disposal of a band of Viking mercenaries.

Beautiful women, bloody battles, authentic-looking costumes and sets, a dash of history, a soupçon of mysticism, an inventive use of pigeons to break a siege, what more could you ask for from a sword-fightin' flick?

Another Magnificent Birthday Celebration Under My Tightening Belt

The biggest afternoon tea Rachel and I have ever seen

Last weekend, I marked my birthday with a level of food consumption that would have made Mr Creosote proud.

In my excitement, I fear I may have gotten a bit carried away. With the constraint of my current increased state of disability, my usual "going out and doing something active for the day" was put on hold, making way for a number of magnificent food-centric activities instead.

On Saturday, Rachel's parents took us - including Alice - for a meal at my favourite, nearby pub-restaurant, where I managed to consume a three-course Christmas meal. In the evening, watching Strictly in a borderline food coma, I could only manage a bowl of ice cream (I needed something to take some of my pills with).

Then on Sunday Rachel, Alice and I went to the wonderful Pup Cup (the dog café in Tonbridge High Street), where Rachel had prebooked us afternoon tea for two.

It turned out to be the biggest (and most delicious) afternoon tea either of us had ever seen (see picture above), and we ended up having to take a few top tier cakes away in a "doggie bag" for later.

The evening was rounded off with a KFC, although I suspect that might have been a "wafer thin mint" too far 😂

My weekend of excess ended up with me not feeling particularly chipper in the middle of Sunday night and fearing I might explode. However, I got back to sleep and felt a lot better by Monday morning.

This week I've been halving my daily portions of breakfast toast, snacks etc

Haven't even started my birthday cake yet!

Family meal on Saturday

Dog-themed t-shirts for dog-themed café

Downing my favourite strawberry milkshake

Alice always loves The Pup Cup for the attention she gets 

Presents waiting for me on my birthday morning

Wonderful presents from Rachel

Rachel turned me into a Funko Pop!

Pop! me comes holding a comic book and a pizza box - seems about right!

Amazing presents from Rachel's parents

Beetlejuice Beetlejuice (2024)

Thirty-six years after the events of the original Beetlejuice movie, Lydia Deetz (Winona Ryder) is now hosting her own paranormal reality show, Ghost House, when the death of her father calls her, her daughter Astrid (Jenna Ortega), and her mother, Delia (Catherine O'Hara), back to their family home in Winter River for the funeral.

Meanwhile, in the afterlife, Beetlejuice (Michael Keaton) finds himself being stalked by his murderous ex-wife, Delores (Monica Bellucci), and he sees Lydia's return to her old home as his possible escape.

Settling in to Winter River, Astrid - a non-believer in the supernatural - is tricked by a malevolent ghost into swapping her existence for his, and ends up trapped in the afterlife.

Unable to think of any other way to rescue her daughter, Lydia calls on Beetlejuice for assistance.

I'll admit that when I sat down to watch Beetlejuice Beetlejuice, while I had high hopes for a Tim Burton movie with this incredible cast, I wasn't convinced that it would be able to recapture the lightning in a bottle brilliance of 1988's iconic original.

But this sequel turned out to be a pleasant surprise. It's chaotic and madcap, with a whirlwind of plot elements swirling around (not all of which make 100 per cent sense or achieve resolution) and sweeping up a legion of memorable characters.

Michael Keaton has lost none of his gnarly charisma as the demonic Beetlejuice, while the three female leads are perfection personified in their roles: Winona Ryder retains her ultimate goth girl crown, Jenna Ortega sidesteps Wednesday Addams to create a wholly believable sceptic in a family of eccentrics, and Catherine O'Hara is, of course, Catherine O'Hara and we can expect nothing less.

It may be occasionally nonsensical, but Beetlejuice Beetlejuice is a hell of a lot of crazy fun, with some great visual gags and a supporting cast as strong as its main cast: from a cameo by Danny DeVito as the afterlife's janitor to Willem Dafoe as Wolf Jackson, the ghost-detective who was actually a B-movie actor in life.

The joyous splattergun approach to the horror-comedy narrative includes the sudden insertion of Beetlejuice's origin story. This caught me totally by surprise, but then again as The Joker of the underworld, was this his true beginning or simply a flight of fancy?

As convincing a yarn as it was, not knowing its veracity certainly adds another layer to the character of the bio-exorcist.

Under Tim Burton's guidance, with a script from Smallville creators and Spider-Man 2 scribes, Alfred Gough and Miles Millar, Beetlejuice Beetlejuice manages, just about, to be simultaneously quite different from the original and very similar.

The Jeffrey Jones of the situation (the disgraced actor played Lydia's dad, Charles, in the first movie) is handled really deftly, through a range of tricks from a claymation death sequence to a headless corpse (and voice impersonator) taking his place in the afterlife.

While, Beetlejuice Beetlejuice mainly stays away from aping moments directly from the original, the climactic musical number - lip-syncing to MacArthur Park - could never reach the enduring heights of the legendary Day-O (The Banana Boat Song) sequence.

That tune does pops up earlier, at Charles funeral, posing a serious challenge to Monty Python's Always Look On The Bright Side of Life as the best tune to play at a funeral.

Given the surreal maelstrom of the denouement, I'm now wondering how long we will have to wait for Tim Burton's Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice.