Draug (2018)

In 11th Century Sweden, a party escorting a missionary goes missing when travelling through the enormous forest of Ödmården, which divides the north from the south.

A rescue party sets out, led by Hakon (Ralf Beck) and his foster daughter, Nanna (Elna Karlsson), on her first real mission and her first visit back to the region where she was born.

Entering the forest, the initial problems the group encounters are all-to-human bandits, but after that things take a darker, more supernatural turn, as they uncover the true fate of the missing Christian emissary and his escorts.

"Ödmården is an ancient forest on Sweden's east coast, traditionally dividing the north from the south.

It used to take several days to pass through. Outlaws formed bands inside the forest where they resorted to pillaging any travellers daring to pass the long dark.

Also beasts and bears and wolves were growling and howling inside the vastness of Ödmården, frightening the people living outside its borders and soon stories of occult and darksome origin arose from the area.

And they still do."

- from the film's official website

A low-budget Swedish film, the trailer and poster for Draug had led me to expect a cocktail of History's Vikings and The Blair Witch Project... and it was that, but more.

There was a definite element of Apocalypse Now/Heart Of Darkness - a theme addressed similarly in 2009's bigger budgeted Valhalla Rising - but also traces of The Descent and a splash of J-horror ghost stories.

The movie's small budget means there are moments when Draug resembles a high-quality LARP or a Nordic cosplay, but the actors and scenery bring a gritty verisimilitude that soon dispels those random thoughts.

Shot on location, the film is tense and atmospheric, and only occasionally confusing when there's a variety of things kicking off in the shadows of the dark trees.

While not overly gruesome, this isn't one for the faint of heart as it dabbles in some taboo subjects (such as casual torture and infanticide) and one character has a nickname that makes Preacher's Arseface seem socially acceptable.

Smartly scripted and dripping with local folklore, Draug dishes up some unexpected moments of deliberate laugh-out-loud humour in early scenes that soon give way to screaming, insanity and dying as the adventuring party plunges deeper in to the legendary forest of Ödmården.

Barbarian Queen (1985)

Both IMDB and the blurb on the DVD box erroneously claim that Barbarian Queen is set during the "days of the Roman Empire", but there is no evidence whatsoever in the body of the film that this is anything more than a generic barbarian fantasy flick.

On the day of Amethea's (Deathstalker's Lana Clarkson) wedding, her village is raided by the troops of  Lord Arrakur (Armando Capo) looking for slaves.

All are taken except for Amethea and a few other hotties, who manage to avoid capture, and then pledge to pursue the raiders to their kingdom and liberate their friends.

Arriving at the generic city, the maidens fall in with local rebels and, discovering that their menfolk are being groomed as gladiators, plot to stage a coup.

Outside of the requisite harem and orgy scenes that were de rigeur in these low quality sword and sandal movies, there's a fair amount of female nudity - but always combined with misogynistic sexual violence, which makes much of this otherwise forgettable film quite unsavoury.

Not that there's much to enjoy about Barbarian Queen anyway, as the acting is generally poor, the dialogue atrocious, the direction chaotic and the props resemble LARP rejects.

Another trait it shares with others of its low-budget ilk is that the film doesn't so much reach an ending as just suddenly stop - possibly when everyone concerned ran out of money or enthusiasm.

No one truly emerges from this mess with any dignity and Armando Capo caps the lunacy in the climatic brawl by doing a passable impression of the late Colonel Gaddafi.

Saddled with a mundane plot, Barbarian Queen is really one for Lana Clarkson fans only. 

"We Are Gathered Here Today To Geek Out!"

Me with The Real Kent Ghostbusters at Geek Mania in Tonbridge

Today Rachel and I attended the first Geek Mania show (convention? gathering?) at the Angel Centre, Tonbridge, and it was magnificent.

There were stalls selling books, games, artwork, badges, dice, LARPing gear, and trading cards (so many cards), as well as participation tables for 5e Dungeons & Dragons, various shades of Warhammer, card games (so many cards), Beyblades, figure painting, a lightsaber training academy, and probably other things I missed.

A selection of the amazing props brought along by The Real Kent Ghostbusters

Rachel and I posing with Slimer

I'd really hoped to get Rachel into an "introduction to Dungeons & Dragons" session, but we were there around 11.30 and the tables had proved so popular that the first available slot was 2.30pm... and it was unlikely we'd still be around then (as I have limited reserves of stamina).

The participation tables were packed from the moment we arrived, and just got busier

These were the lightsaber tutors, but they mainly ran classes for younglings through the day

The vibe of the whole show was very welcoming and everyone we spoke to was incredibly friendly, delighted we were there, and happy to talk about whatever geeky niche was their forte.

There were cosplayers - always happy to pose for pictures - and LARPers, with a vast selection of costumes, masks, and boffer weapons for sale. 

I achieved a lifelong ambition and purchased my first pair of elf ears! 

Incredible array of costuming and weaponry from Gem's Trading Company 

"You've made an old man very happy," I told the lady who sold me these ears!!!

I strongly suspect I was one of - if not the - oldest people there (knocking on the door to sixty this year), but it didn't matter. There was a youthful, positive atmosphere that I hope translated into cash in the pockets of the organisers so that this will become a regular event.

Geek Mania was the brainchild of Planet JJs Geekery, which, in very real terms, is close to being at the bottom of our road (although too far for me to walk there and back, sadly).

I really must try and get signed up for regular RPG events at the store, which I have to confess we've only actually been in once. Rachel is supportively offering to be my taxi to and from the store if I join their "club".

I also believe that Geek Mania being organised locally is a massive plus for the future of the show, as there's an automatic community investment here.

Either side of the Pandemic, there were several attempts to make "comic-cons" a thing at the Angel Centre, but they never really took off.

Run by travelling groups who organise such events around the country, there was no great incentive to come back if they didn't rake in the cash they had been hoping for at the first attempt.

That said, Geek Mania was definitely busier than any of the "comic-cons" I've attended at the Angel Centre over the years.

Overall, Rachel and I stayed for about an hour-and-a-half, which wasn't too bad by my usual variable health standards, only having to have a single sit down and cookie break.

Even though Pokémon is an alien language to me and seemed to dominate every other stall, I still managed to pick up some mighty treasures (as well as my ears) from the traders:

My Geek Mania haul

My first purchase of the day was a He-Man Funko Pop (because, like dice, you can never have too many Pops). Sadly, they were all out of Frieren-related Pops.

I was excited to find a couple of boxes of old 60s/70s pulp sci-fi anthology magazines on the floor of a bookseller's stall.

She very kindly picked them up and put them on the table so I could sort through them properly.

My main guiding principle here was looking for authors that Michael K Vaughan had mentioned on his Booktube channel, so that it appeared as though I knew what I was doing.

And finally I bought a cute little pocket zine from local artist Katherine Burgess, whose style and obvious talent made me wish I was producing a game - or a supplement - so I could hire her to illustrate it.

"Tonbridge. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."