Rain Doesn't Stop Play At Annual Medieval Festival

You can't really judge the steepness of the hill from this picture

Having missed last year's event, Rachel, Alice and I returned to King's Grove: England's Medieval & Renaissance Festival this year... only to discover that it had grown considerably since we were last there.

Oh, and after a summer of heatwave after heatwave, the heavens opened yesterday and it rained almost constantly while we were at the festival (there was a break of around five minutes when the sun came out in the afternoon).

The clue to the event's expansion was in the addition of "& Renaissance" to the official title.

It now more closely resembles what I imagine an American "Ren Faire" experience is like, with the overall focus moving away from the purely historical (as it was back in its Herstmonceux Castle days) and now embracing cosplay, LARP, witchy bits, and even tabletop roleplaying games and board games.

Naturally, I wanted to check out the roleplaying (and board) game area first. As well as tables for people to play games on in the tented areas, there was an Aladdin's Cave of funky dice, of all sizes and denominations, all beautifully displayed.

Rachel said I could have a set of posh dice as a birthday present, but there were simply too many to choose from and my poor, little addled brain just shut down because of the input overload.

After a long time blankly staring at the displays, picking some dice up and putting them down, I just couldn't decide and so we moved on... before I had some kind of emotional breakdown.

THE COSPLAY TENT

THE GRAND PARADE

There were a lot of amazing artisans and craftsmen selling their wares at the show, and the constant rain didn't seem to be putting people off moving between the various tents and covered stalls.

Probably my favourite artists were Lucan Thorndyke from Wyrd Bones (who we had a lovely, long chat with and wasn't at all bothered when I said I liked the "roleplaying game prop potential" of his work), the Medieval illuminations of Eric Verkade, and the t-shirts of Hive Mind Games.

As with the dice, there were so many incredible creations to choose from that I was mentally paralysed by the possibilities and ended up not buying anything.

However, I reckon there's a good chance I will eventually (once I can get my finances in order) buy a piece from Wyrd Bones to use in a Tuesday Knights adventure.

To be honest, all the art we saw was top quality and once again I was also (sadly) reminded that we simply don't have any more wall space at home for additional framed pictures. 

Soggy puppy

Quick family portrait during the five-minute break in the rain

Although there were a lot of other floofs at the event, Alice still attracted her fair share of attention, due a combination of her cuteness, her little rain coat, and her rather bedraggled appearance thanks to the weather (Once we got home, Alice had a nice warm bath in the sink).

The only real problem I have with King's Grove is that it takes place on the side of a steep hill.

While the woods are very atmospheric, especially as the festival evolves into something more "magical", it quickly becomes a complication for those of us with mobility issues. Especially when combined with the mud and rain, making the use of mobility scooters totally impractical. 

I couldn't help but wonder if this might actually be the last time I'm physically able to visit this annual event. 

As we headed towards the exit on Saturday we caught a glimpse  of the demonstration (in the Pageant Arena) by animal sanctuary Watermill Wolves. This was, of course, wonderful 'cos wolves are so cool (and one of the wolves was called Alice).

Apart from some "Medieval" treats for Alice, our main purchase at the festival was a copy of The Box of Death: Tales of Castle Rory, Book One. This is a Medieval swords-and-sorcery adventure set in a low-magic fantasy version of 13th Century Norfolk.

Again, we had a good chat with the author, Rory Marsden, who sold me on the book (and signed it for me; you know I'm a sucker for a signed book).

This is the first of a 10-book saga, although I did warn Rory that I was a very slow reader these days so couldn't guarantee how long it would take me to get through this first volume, let alone the rest.

Lloyd The Conqueror (2011)

After my disappointment with yesterday's Knights Of Badassdom, a suggestion was made that I take a look at Lloyd The Conqueror, a 2011 comedy about Live Action Role Play, that was said to be a much better take on the genre.

Despite its provocatively misleading DVD cover (see below) - that Rachel mistook as softcore adult movie when it was sitting beside our TV - Lloyd The Conqueror is actually a light and simple comedy (with some adult humour along the way) about a trio of slacker video gamers talked into enrolling in a local LARP league to boost their grades.

Lloyd (Evan Williams), Patrick (Jesse Reid) and Oswald (Scott Patey) are in danger of losing their funding to attend community college and thus get blackmailed into joining the Demons & Dwarves League by their sinister Medieval Literature professor, Derek (Mike Smith) - whose dominance of the game, along with his legions of orc acolytes, has been driving people away.

Lloyd manages to enlist the aid of a self-defence instructor with anger issues that he has a crush on, Cassandra (Tegan Moss), and dead-pan game shop owner Andy (Brian Posehn) aka The White Wizard (a former champion of the Demons & Dwarves League).

While a major player in this, Posehn also has a minor role in Knights Of Badassdom.

Likeable leads, solid scripting and consistent comedy make Lloyd The Conqueror a good mix of romcom and student comedy with a fair amount of geek wit thrown in that reminded me of Jolly Blackburn's Knights Of The Dinner Table comic strip every now and again.

With the central characters coming to LARPing as complete neophytes, the audience doesn't need to have any advanced knowledge of that world to enjoy the humour.

Lloyd certainly isn't mocking the LARPing community - or gamers as a whole - but instead takes a self-deprecating approach as any level-headed enthusiast might to their own passions.

This is a film about power battles in a sub-culture that just happens to be LARP, which does provide a light-hearted physical counterpoint to the participants' personal stakes.

Not since the golden age of Roger Corman has a poster so missold a movie

Knights Of Badassdom (2013)

Knights Of Badassdom exists in a mystical confluence, equal parts Monty Python & The Holy Grail, Animal House, Galaxy Quest and Evil Dead but never quite rises to the brilliance of its forebears.

Having just been dumped by his girlfriend, wannabe doom metal singer Joe (True Blood's Ryan Kwanten) is 'kidnapped' by his two best friends - hardcore LARPers Eric (Steve Zahn) and Hung (Game Of Thrones' Peter Dinklage) - to the site of their next big event, The Battle Of Evermore.

Joe is reluctantly talked into joining the Live Action Role Playing game - helped by the presence of the lovely Gwen (Firefly's Summer Glau) - but, unfortunately, in his quest for authenticity Eric has purchased a magical tome off eBay that turns out to be a long lost book belonging to the famous Elizabethan sorcerer John Dee.

When Eric reads a page at random as a mock spell, he unknowingly summons a succubus from Hell that proceeds to feed on the souls of the LARPers.

Soon after that Joe and Gwen realise that people are dying for real and take up arms to strike back at the monstrous demon and try to save their friends.

Knights Of Badassdom starts very promisingly, with plenty of loving nods to both LARPing and Dungeons & Dragons (this certainly isn't a piss-take of geekdom), but once the horror aspect enters the mix, the film doesn't really know where to go.

Now, I'm pretty certain that I read a ways back that this release of the film was not the director's vision of the story but a cut put together by the producers. This might explain the feeling that after a while the story is just spinning its wheels.

What starts off as belly-laughing funny (very much in the style of The Big Bang Theory, but with more swearing) that had me thinking this might one day equal The Holy Grail as geeks' go-to game quote movie eventually lapses into mildly amusing, by-the-numbers fare.

There are plot holes a-plenty and a lot of undeveloped characters (for instance, what was the deal with the redneck paintballers and their major hate-on for the LARPers? Outside of explaining why the police didn't turn up at the camp site when the slaughter began, they were totally redundant to the plot), which again suggests to me a retrospective recutting of the film, for whatever reason, making do with what footage was on-hand.

Don't get me wrong, it's good and certainly clever in parts, but there's an inescapable feeling that it could have been much better. There are some great characters, and great "in-story" world-building by the LARPers, but it all degenerates into a big slugfest with a rubber-suit monster.

Depending on your mood - and your attitude to random absurdity in movies - the climax of Knights Of Badassdom will either have you smirking at its ridiculousness or reaching for the remote control to turn off the television.

It's such a shame because I genuinely believe this could have been - if done right - a cult classic. As it is, I fear it will simply be swept under the carpet as a missed opportunity and promptly forgotten about.

Of course, the film's biggest mistake: not enough Dinklage.

Draug (2018)

In 11th Century Sweden, a party escorting a missionary goes missing when travelling through the enormous forest of Ödmården, which divides the north from the south.

A rescue party sets out, led by Hakon (Ralf Beck) and his foster daughter, Nanna (Elna Karlsson), on her first real mission and her first visit back to the region where she was born.

Entering the forest, the initial problems the group encounters are all-to-human bandits, but after that things take a darker, more supernatural turn, as they uncover the true fate of the missing Christian emissary and his escorts.

"Ödmården is an ancient forest on Sweden's east coast, traditionally dividing the north from the south.

It used to take several days to pass through. Outlaws formed bands inside the forest where they resorted to pillaging any travellers daring to pass the long dark.

Also beasts and bears and wolves were growling and howling inside the vastness of Ödmården, frightening the people living outside its borders and soon stories of occult and darksome origin arose from the area.

And they still do."

- from the film's official website

A low-budget Swedish film, the trailer and poster for Draughad led me to expect a cocktail of History's Vikings and The Blair Witch Project... and it was that, but more.

There was a definite element of Apocalypse Now/Heart Of Darkness - a theme addressed similarly in 2009's bigger budgeted Valhalla Rising - but also traces of The Descent and a splash of J-horror ghost stories.

The movie's small budget means there are moments when Draug resembles a high-quality LARP or a Nordic cosplay, but the actors and scenery bring a gritty verisimilitude that soon dispels those random thoughts.

Shot on location, the film is tense and atmospheric, and only occasionally confusing when there's a variety of things kicking off in the shadows of the dark trees.

While not overly gruesome, this isn't one for the faint of heart as it dabbles in some taboo subjects (such as casual torture and infanticide) and one character has a nickname that makes Preacher's Arseface seem socially acceptable.

Smartly scripted and dripping with local folklore, Draug dishes up some unexpected moments of deliberate laugh-out-loud humour in early scenes that soon give way to screaming, insanity and dying as the adventuring party plunges deeper in to the legendary forest of Ödmården.

Barbarian Queen (1985)

Both IMDB and the blurb on the DVD box erroneously claim that Barbarian Queen is set during the "days of the Roman Empire", but there is no evidence whatsoever in the body of the film that this is anything more than a generic barbarian fantasy flick.

On the day of Amethea's (Deathstalker's Lana Clarkson) wedding, her village is raided by the troops of  Lord Arrakur (Armando Capo) looking for slaves.

All are taken except for Amethea and a few other hotties, who manage to avoid capture, and then pledge to pursue the raiders to their kingdom and liberate their friends.

Arriving at the generic city, the maidens fall in with local rebels and, discovering that their menfolk are being groomed as gladiators, plot to stage a coup.

Outside of the requisite harem and orgy scenes that were de rigeur in these low quality sword and sandal movies, there's a fair amount of female nudity - but always combined with misogynistic sexual violence, which makes much of this otherwise forgettable film quite unsavoury.

Not that there's much to enjoy about Barbarian Queen anyway, as the acting is generally poor, the dialogue atrocious, the direction chaotic and the props resemble LARP rejects.

Another trait it shares with others of its low-budget ilk is that the film doesn't so much reach an ending as just suddenly stop - possibly when everyone concerned ran out of money or enthusiasm.

No one truly emerges from this mess with any dignity and Armando Capo caps the lunacy in the climatic brawl by doing a passable impression of the late Colonel Gaddafi.

Saddled with a mundane plot, Barbarian Queen is really one for Lana Clarkson fans only. 

"We Are Gathered Here Today To Geek Out!"

Me with The Real Kent Ghostbusters at Geek Mania in Tonbridge

Today Rachel and I attended the first Geek Mania show (convention? gathering?) at the Angel Centre, Tonbridge, and it was magnificent.

There were stalls selling books, games, artwork, badges, dice, LARPing gear, and trading cards (so many cards), as well as participation tables for 5e Dungeons & Dragons, various shades of Warhammer, card games (so many cards), Beyblades, figure painting, a lightsaber training academy, and probably other things I missed.

A selection of the amazing props brought along by The Real Kent Ghostbusters

Rachel and I posing with Slimer

I'd really hoped to get Rachel into an "introduction to Dungeons & Dragons" session, but we were there around 11.30 and the tables had proved so popular that the first available slot was 2.30pm... and it was unlikely we'd still be around then (as I have limited reserves of stamina).

The participation tables were packed from the moment we arrived, and just got busier

These were the lightsaber tutors, but they mainly ran classes for younglings through the day

The vibe of the whole show was very welcoming and everyone we spoke to was incredibly friendly, delighted we were there, and happy to talk about whatever geeky niche was their forte.

There were cosplayers - always happy to pose for pictures - and LARPers, with a vast selection of costumes, masks, and boffer weapons for sale. 

I achieved a lifelong ambition and purchased my first pair of elf ears! 

Incredible array of costuming and weaponry from Gem's Trading Company 

"You've made an old man very happy," I told the lady who sold me these ears!!!

I strongly suspect I was one of - if not the - oldest people there (knocking on the door to sixty this year), but it didn't matter. There was a youthful, positive atmosphere that I hope translated into cash in the pockets of the organisers so that this will become a regular event.

Geek Mania was the brainchild of Planet JJs Geekery, which, in very real terms, is close to being at the bottom of our road (although too far for me to walk there and back, sadly).

I really must try and get signed up for regular RPG events at the store, which I have to confess we've only actually been in once. Rachel is supportively offering to be my taxi to and from the store if I join their "club".

I also believe that Geek Mania being organised locally is a massive plus for the future of the show, as there's an automatic community investment here.

Either side of the Pandemic, there were several attempts to make "comic-cons" a thing at the Angel Centre, but they never really took off.

Run by travelling groups who organise such events around the country, there was no great incentive to come back if they didn't rake in the cash they had been hoping for at the first attempt.

That said, Geek Mania was definitely busier than any of the "comic-cons" I've attended at the Angel Centre over the years.

Overall, Rachel and I stayed for about an hour-and-a-half, which wasn't too bad by my usual variable health standards, only having to have a single sit down and cookie break.

Even though Pokémon is an alien language to me and seemed to dominate every other stall, I still managed to pick up some mighty treasures (as well as my ears) from the traders:

My Geek Mania haul

My first purchase of the day was a He-Man Funko Pop (because, like dice, you can never have too many Pops). Sadly, they were all out of Frieren-related Pops.

I was excited to find a couple of boxes of old 60s/70s pulp sci-fi anthology magazines on the floor of a bookseller's stall.

She very kindly picked them up and put them on the table so I could sort through them properly.

My main guiding principle here was looking for authors that Michael K Vaughan had mentioned on his Booktube channel, so that it appeared as though I knew what I was doing.

And finally I bought a cute little pocket zine from local artist Katherine Burgess, whose style and obvious talent made me wish I was producing a game - or a supplement - so I could hire her to illustrate it.

"Tonbridge. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."