Dungeons & Dragons 3 - The Book Of Vile Darkness (2012)

I hate to admit it - because I'm as shocked as the next man - but Dungeons & Dragons 3: The Book Of Vile Darkness is actually pretty bloody good.

Sure, it's not going to win any awards, but I was expecting something as craptacular as Camp Blood, when in fact it's a fairly decent swords and sorcery B-movie.

For those who worry that these movies might have harmed the public perception of the Dungeons & Dragons game or Wizards Of The Coast's IP, this movie does a convincing job of portraying the exploits of a party of "murderhobos" in a typical D&D campaign.

The plot sees neophyte Knight of Pelor, Grayson (Jack Derges) infiltrating a group of evil adventurers in the hope that they will lead him to his kidnapped father.

The group, led by Shadar-kai witch Akordia (Eleanor Gecks), is looking for the fragments of an evil ancient artifact, The Book Of Vile Darkness, on behalf of the villainous Shatrax, who seeks to return the world to state of chaos and darkness from his base within the Shadowfell.

Yes, the film is packed to bursting with Dungeons & Dragons name-dropping, most well used to create the impression of a fully-rounded world, but some - such as Grayson's visit to The Adventurer's Vault shop to stock up on magical items - are quite groan-worthy as they highlight weaker aspects of more recent iterations of Dungeons & Dragons.

Bezz (Barry Aird) - the rot-mage

But even so, thanks to some surprisingly impressive special effects, we're treated to variety of visually stunning uses of magic spells - both by Akordia and the party's wonderfully anarchic (chaotic evil?) rot-mage Bezz (Barry Aird), enchanted items (Grayson may purchase his "bag of holding" from a shop, but it's still pretty cool to see it in action) and a fantastic array of monsters: the armoured energy man is nice and the dragon is good, but the stand-out creature is the undead child that feasts on negativity.

This twisted little horror show could have walked straight out the pages of a Mörk Borg or Lamentations Of The Flame Princess adventure module.

Then, for the final act, we - and the party - are transported to the alternate dimension of the Shadowfell and even on the limited budget of a direct-to-DVD fantasy flick, this is incredibly striking.

This is where we also finally get to meet Shatrax, a superbly realised villain with a stapled-shut mouth who "speaks" through a pair of female servants chained to him.

Like many of the monsters here, because I'm not up on D&D lore, I don't know if Shatrax is an original creation of the filmmakers or an antagonist lifted from a game book, but nonetheless he's head and shoulders above the pasty-faced villain of the first two D&D flicks (Damodar).

Dungeons & Dragons 3, of course, has plentiful weaknesses: there's some groanworthy dialogue, some sorry acting and I can't guarantee that the plot makes 100 per cent sense.

But this is, by far, the best of the original run of Dungeons & Dragons' movies (not that that's saying much) and I'd argue a very accurate live-action portrayal of what goes on in the heads of most people who regularly gather around a gaming table to indulge in a slice of 'theatre of the mind'.

Akordia (Eleanor Gecks) the Shadar-kai

It certainly captures the dungeonpunk aesthetic of Third Edition (which I think was the current iteration of the game when this was released), with its design palette of black leather, tattoos, piercings and spikes.

As well as the requisite violence there's a decent amount of sex here as well.

This caught me slightly off guard as the previous D&D movies have been very prudish in that regard, but I guess scriptwriter Brian Rudnick was truly channelling Monte Cook and Robert Schwalb's controversial Third Edition supplement when he sat down to compose this piece.

I have no idea what non-gamers will make of the Book Of Vile Darkness, as so much is heavily rooted in a hodgepodge of game lore (for instance, the Shadar-kai are from the Forgotten Realms, while Pelor is a Greyhawk god), but gamers looking for a visual representation of a Dungeons & Dragons game world won't be too disappointed if they approach this with an open mind (and probably a few cans of beer).

The story is actually quite secondary to the enjoyment of the film because of its stylised presentation of a game world.

If you simply refuse to accept that Grayson can convincingly infiltrate this party of high-level (presumably) evil sorcerers, fighters and assassins, then just enjoy the magic and monsters. That worked for me.

However, the most bizarre aspect of this movie is the blurb on the back of the DVD box:

This was clearly written by someone who hadn't seen the film, or even read the script, because except for the appearance of a dragon it bears no real resemblance to the plot of The Book Of Vile Darkness, which is only connected with the earlier movies by its name.

The protagonists are not a "band of heroes" - the whole point is they're band of villains - they're not "defying an empire" (there is no empire ever mentioned), they are not fighting "against evil", they are evil. Yes, there is a single dragon, but, again, no evil emperor.

This blurb is basically a string of generic fantasy words strung together by a work experience person to fill space on the back cover of the DVD. Ignore it and just watch the film.

Sorceress (1982)

In a rare break from tradition, the poster (also the DVD cover) for the Roger Corman-produced 1982 sword-and-sorcery flick Sorceress is actually surprisingly accurate.

All the characters pictured there - including the griffon/manticore creature, the ape-man, the snake and the fancy sword - really do appear in the story, to some degree or another.

However, it's been a long time since I've watched a movie that felt so much like its plot was being made up as it went along.

Evil sorcerer, and possible '70s sex cult leader, Traigon (Robert Ballesteros) has pledged to sacrifice his first born to the gods, in exchange for "great power". Only his wife gives birth to twin girls and refuses to reveal which was born first.

The realm's magical martial arts master Krona (Martin LaSalle) spirits the girls away, and leaves them in the care of trusted peasants, who raise them as boys!

Mira and Mara grow up to become Leigh and Lynette Harris, identical twin Playboy Playmates, who clearly weren't hired for their acting chops, but rather their willingness to disrobe when asked.

Honestly, they're young men... with breasts!

The girls - who think they are boys - are discovered skinny-dipping (of course!) by horny satyr Pando (David Milbern), the travelling companion of pseudo-Viking Baldar (Bruno Rey), who looks like he's stepped off the cover of a Dungeons & Dragons novel and spouts random Norse words as oaths.

Although Pando can only communicate through bleating and mime, he fails to tell Baldar that the girls are actually girls, so that when Baldar comes to them in the wake of their adopted parents' murder by Traigon's wandering warriors, he fails to see through their 'cunning disguise'.

Krona pops up again to dispense some words of wisdom, setting them all on a quest to defeat Traigon, before walking into the parents' pyre.

Arriving in the city, the adventurers meet an old friend of Baldar's, the pun-cracking, permed barbarian rogue, Erlick (Bob Nelson), who tags along to make up the numbers.

Casual nudity aside, there's a definite Dungeons & Dragons vibe to this yarn, as the core "party" expands, then fractures off into smaller units for side-quests, but it's also full of random fantasy names and verbiage that doesn't feel like world-building so much as obfuscation of the fragile main plot thread.

The Harris twins as Mira and Mara

Everything culminates in a grand fight in a crumbling temple - although there's a parallel, sub-surface dungeoncrawl by Baldar and one of the girls - which features explosions, duelling gods in the sky, and some pretty cool-looking zombie-mummy-ghouls that rise out of the ground to serve Traigon.

As the "two who are one", Mira and Mara share a psychic bond that is actually employed in the story, although it's most memorable use is during a 'comedy' sex scene that leads Baldar to initially think one of the women is being tortured.

Possibly because he is cosplaying as Sturm Brightblade from the Dragonlance Chronicles, Baldar, it has to be said, is the best character in the 83-minute movie, not only looking the part but also maintaining a heroic persona throughout.

For all its Corman-inspired cheapness, dodgy special effects, and musical score lifted from Battle Beyond The Stars, Sorceress does have an overall engaging look about it. As well as Baldar's 'authentic' costume, Traigon's forces all wear these (probably totally impractical) neat-looking beaked helmets, for instance.

Ultimately Sorceress (there is no 'sorceress' in this movie) isn't actually that bad, it just lacks a coherent story for its quirky characters to fully engage with, leaving much of what happens to come across as just a bit random.

Corman In Conversation

Roger Corman, King of the Bs, reminisces about his start in movie making. In this original archival piece from Ballyhoo Motion Pictures, Corman takes the audience through his humble beginnings (he studied engineering!), and how he broke into the 'movie making' business. This featurette originally came out on the Blu-Ray release of Monster from the Ocean Floor.

Ahead of my birthday in 2013 Paul got tickets for the two of us to attend a talk at the British Film Institute: Roger Corman In Conversation.

The legendary B-movie director/producer was interviewed by renowned film critic Kim Newman in front of a packed audience of fans - and Paul had snagged us tickets just three rows back from the stage.

For an 87-year-old Corman was spritely and full of anecdotes, well-spoken and erudite, interesting and engaging - with nary a bad word to say about anybody.

It was an hour-and-three-quarter presentation, broken up with a few of trailers and clips from Corman's early movies, rounded off with the last quarter of an hour (or so) being open to questions from the floor.

As it was a flagship event in the BFI's Gothic season, the conversation between Newman and Corman concentrated largely on his Poe films (Lovecraft even got a mention, but Corman was adamant that he was a Poe fan ahead of HPL), but touched on his later works, his involvement with the American counter-culture movement and the output of some of his more famous protégés (such as Jack Nicholson and James Cameron).

As often happens after listening to such a fascinating character, I came away with a mental check list of Corman pictures I needed to add to my "viewing wish list" while ones that were already of the list got a bump up now I knew some of the behind-the-scenes stories about their making.

Massive thanks to the crew at Film Masters for making the interview featurette available for all.

PROJECT 60: Off The Rails!!!

Photo by Pixabay

Some of you may recall in the past I've talked about my PROJECT 60, an ambitious desire to get both a skirmish wargame and a roleplaying campaign all set up and ready to run by the time I turn 60 towards the end of this year.

You might also have noticed that I haven't actually mentioned it since February - when Nick and I went to our local wargames show and I picked up some suitable 3D printed buildings.

I'd like to blame the hot weather and my general ill-health, but honestly it's my fickle nature and life-long inability to stay focused on any one particular aspect my hobbies for long.

PROJECT 60 was, therefore, rather ambitious - but that was the point.

On the skirmish wargame side, I'm still sticking firmly to my plans to build a tabletop Wild West town for games of Dead Man's Hand.

I just haven't sent off any Western figures for painting this year and have actually done nothing concrete towards assembling and painting the buildings, which was always a goal for this Summer.

Everything has simply remained in a clutter in the gamesroom.

I really need to get sorting that before things go missing as I move books, Blu Rays, and bits & bobs around looking for other things.

And this isn't to say my wargaming thoughts haven't gone round the houses from Bronze Age Greece to Fantasy Medieval and 17th/18th Century pirates and highwaymen!

They've just circled back (for the moment) to the American West.

On the roleplaying game front, my initial passion for Twilight Sword has rather dampened (even before the printed materials show up), and been replaced by flickering flames of interest in Dragonbane.

I haven't found the time to read the rules properly yet, so my confidence still swings all over the place and my mind darts off in other directions every now and then (even, most recently, considering a Wild West roleplaying campaign... but with a twist).

However, as well as 40-year history in Sweden, Dragonbane (aka Drakar och Demoner) has a solid core of fans who really, really love the system, which gives me a lot of encouragement. 

I have actually noticed some mechanical similarities between Twilight Sword and Dragonbane, which has led to my brain classifying Twilight Sword as modern Basic/Expert Dungeons & Dragons whereas Dragonbane is modern Advanced Dungeons & Dragons!

Of course, I'm essentially starting from scratch with Dragonbane, and you know how slow I am at reading and absorbing things... especially new things.

So, I'm still hoping to get these games back on track for PROJECT 60, but I know my birthday isn't that far away and I have way fewer years ahead of me than behind.

Even if I can one or both of these games up and running, just how long will these "forever campaigns" actually last now?

Night of the Eagle (1962)

Night of The Eagle will air in the UK on Talking Pictures TV, on July 25 at 9.05pm and July 28 at 9pm

The other year, one of my oldest online friends, John, announced he was having a clear-out and wanted to dispose of some of his old horror-themed Blu-Rays.

Never one to turn down a free movie, I offered to take a few off his hands and soon a package arrived with four discs in.

Among them was one I confess I'd never heard of: Night Of The Eagle (aka Burn Witch Burn).

So, naturally, that was the first to be taken for a spin in the Blu-Ray player.

Charming and charismatic psychology professor Norman Taylor (Peter Wyngarde aka Jason King of Department S) has it all: a great house, a career on the fast-track to success, and a beautiful wife, Tansy (Janet Blair).

Therefore, Norman is shocked to discover that his wife has been secretly practising witchcraft, she says to protect him from dangerous and jealous forces that would otherwise seek to derail his career or even harm him.

Angrily, he makes her destroy all her charms, fetishes, and witchy paraphernalia.

However, no sooner does she do this than their lives take a dramatic turn for the worse.

First, Norman is accused of sexually assaulting Margaret Abbott (Judith Stott), one of his students, at Hempnell Medical College, then some 'force' seemingly attacks his home.

The rational professor tries to deal with all these things logically, but Tansy starts to take increasingly wild, and potentially dangerous, steps to thwart this with - what she believes is - magic.

Night Of The Eagle is a fantastic, little, horror film, in a similar vein to 1957's Night Of The Demon and 1963's The Haunting.

It's oozing with atmosphere, relying on limited special effects and a strong amount of suggestion, so, like Norman, we're never 100 per cent sure if what's happening is co-incidence, feverish hallucinations, hypnosis or genuine black magic.

The ending is a bit sudden, given all the furore that has just unfurled, and certainly comes from the "karma is a bitch" playbook.

But, then, that was the style of films back in the day - they knew not to hang around and outstay their welcome. They had a story to tell, got in, told it, and got out. A trait seemingly lost on some filmmakers and their more recent overlong snorefests.

Based on Fritz Leiber's Conjure Wife (which first appeared in 1943 in Unknown magazine and then as novel in 1953), Night Of The Eagle's original New England setting was changed for 'old' England, instead.

This adaptation (there have been several) was penned by horror legend Richard Matheson with Twilight Zone writer Charles Beaumont, and some tweaking by George Baxt, at the behest of producer Albert Fennell.

A smart, tight, script, buoyed up by cracking performances from all concerned, Night Of The Eagle is definitely one for those who are happy to take their horror served without dollops of gore and jump scares.

The Archer and The Sorceress (1981)

A sword-and-sorcery flick that has long eluded me, I finally caved and got myself an imported German DVD of The Archer and The Sorceress aka The Archer: Fugitive from The Empire (aka Der Zauberbogen).

The poster art, by Les Edwards, that had so stirred my youthful imagination, had always suggested that I was missing out out on another Deathstalker or The Warrior and The Sorceress, but sadly The Archer is a family-friendly, Certificate 12, failed TV pilot.

This kind of explains the lethargic set-up and anticlimactic denouement, but doesn't excuse the messily over-complicated plot and the occasionally nonsensical dialogue.

The land of Malveel, home to a disparate group of feuding nomadic tribes, is under threat of invasion by the Draikian empire (known, confusingly, as The Dynasty) and its snakemen allies.

The nomads have been united under the rule of King Brakus (George Kennedy), but behind-the-scenes shenanigans see him murdered and his son, Toran (Lane Caudell), framed.

With his dying breath, Brakus tells Toran to seek the wizard Lazar-Sa, to assist him in regaining his rightful position as the tribal leader.

Toran escapes with his mentor, Mak (George Innes), but Mak soon dies as well (for reasons) and in doing so bequeaths the magical Heartbow, known as Elbe, to Toran.

On his journey, Toran teams up with the slippery rogue Slant (Victor Campos) and the sultry sorceress Estra (Belinda Bauer). Having had a previous run-in with Toran, she is also seeking Lazar-Sa, but to kill him in revenge for the death of her mother.

All the while, they are being chased by Gar (Kabir Bedi), the leader of the Draikians (I think) and his warband of nine snake-people.

Snakeman

Although they add little more than a modicum of atmosphere, the make-up on the snakemen is superb, they wouldn't have looked out of place on Jabba's sailbarge.

Like the handful of other creatures and species shown in this hour-and-a-half flick, the snakepeople, ultimately, are little more than set dressing.

When our 'heroes' arrive in the town of Kamal, they end up saving the locals from someone claiming to be Lazar-Sa.

They pursue him to his hidden, magical base only to discover he is an imposter, a student of Lazar-Sa's, defaming his old master's name.

Nevertheless, Gar and his snakeboys pursue Toran and co. into the misty valley for a final showdown.

There's definitely potential in The Archer, but the ragged script (written and directed by TV stalwart Nicholas Corea) comes nowhere close to realising it, despite the best efforts of Victor Campos's duplicitous - but ultimately good-natured - scoundrel and Belinda Bauer, who smoulders extremely well in an Eva Green style.

Clearly a lot of worldbuilding had gone into the backstory, the film opens with a fleeting shot of a map of the area, people swear by different gods depending on where they hail from, and it's implied - more than once - that Elbe is not the only Heartbow.

But none of this, or any of the other setting nuggets the script is sprinkled with, really go anywhere because this wasn't written as a self-contained movie, but rather the start of an on-going serial.

Sadly, we will never know the full depth of Toran and Estra's world.

The Archer still has a few interesting moments, but its bloodless combat and bland lead mean it really should turn in its swords-and-sorcery genre membership card.

I don't know if I'm getting slow in my old age, but, for me, one of the main areas where the story fell down was my inability to keep track of who was on whose side, and really why Gar was bothering with Toran in the first place (having already successfully engineered his fall from grace).

My problem with following the narrative was heightened by the mumbly dialogue, made worse by the fact that more than once - when I could understand what was being said - it didn't make a lot of sense anyway.

For instance, the town leaders in Kamal, when thanking our heroes for their rescue, seemed to be riffing off the script they had been given, talking over each other, and generally behaving rather peculiarly.

The Archer and The Sorceress isn't so bad that it's good (cf. Deathstalker) and it obviously isn't particularly good.

Instead, it's horribly mediocre, one of the worst sins a film can inflict upon an audience.

Your Highness (2011)

In the little publicity over here at the time of its cinematic release much play was made of Your Highness - and even later in the marketing of the DVD - being a "stoner comedy", with much of the humour seemingly derived from pot-related jokes and situations.

But that is so not the case. Your Highness is a brilliant, well-observed, swords-and-sorcery film that happens to also be hilariously, tears-down-the-cheek, laugh-out-loud funny, obscenely lewd and crude (although with very little actual nudity), quite gross at times with moments of graphic violence and only about two or three scenes involving weed.

James Franco is Fabious, heroic favoured son of King Tallious (Charles Dance) who returns home from his latest quest, having rescued a beautiful maiden - the naïve Belladonna (Zooey Deschanel) from the tower of the evil sorcerer Leezar (Justin Theroux).

Unfortunately, on the day of Fabious and Belladonna's wedding, Leezar crashes the festivities and kidnaps the bride-to-be - thus prompting Fabious to embark on another quest.

However, the King insists that Fabious is joined by his foul-mouthed, feckless and irreverent brother Thadeous (Danny McBride) to "make a man of him".

After an unfortunate, early betrayal, the brothers  - and Thadeous's page Courtney (Rasmus Hardiker) - team up with lethal, no-nonsense warrior Isabel (Natalie Portman) who saves them from an acid-spitting hydra - and manages to look utterly gorgeous throughout the movie.

The dialogue is a hearty cocktail of cod-dramatic, almost Shakespearean, seriousness and jaunty slang - with the only true anachronism in the story being the appearance of a plate of fishfingers!

The marketing for Your Highness was so intent on pushing the "edgy" drugs angle - which is such a small part of the humour anyway - that it failed to even hint that this was a film with magic and monsters in!

In fact, this is everything I had hoped for from Kröd Mändoon And The Flaming Sword Of Fire (remember that?) and failed to get.

Old School gamers, in particular, will get a kick out of this because Your Highness is basically a true representation of "in-character" dialogue between participants in a Dungeons & Dragons adventure - swearing, banter, crude jokes, sexual innuendo and a lot of laughing - while slashing their way through a "rescue the princess" scenario.

There's a chance this could become the gamer's 21st Century go-to movie for "at table quoting" - alongside earlier classics such as Monty Python And The Holy Grail and Army Of Darkness.

It also made me think: there aren't enough "rescue the princess" scenarios in gaming these days. It's all about finding a special treasure (which Thadeous does) and averting prophecies (which they do), but Your Highness is a great example of how you can blend the classic dungeon-crawl, hack'n'slash mentality with a genuine romantic story as well - and not let the latter get so soppy as to overwhelm the former.

This sort of adventure is heightened by giving the player-characters a personal stake in their quest - which is why it's always good, eventually, to find out a bit about a character's backstory or try to inveigle them into some kind of in-campaign romance or relationship.

SHOW ME: Lee Cronin's The Mummy (2026)

Who's The Mummy? Katie (Natalie Grace)
Mummy's Love? n/a
Where? Egypt (Cairo/Aswan) & Albuquerque, New Mexico, USA
How Long? 134 minutes

Television reporter Charlie Cannon (Jack Reynor) is stationed in Cairo, Eygpt, with his pregnant wife, Larissa (Laia Costa), and their two young children, Katie (Emily Mitchell) and Sebastian (Dean Allen Williams).

Just as the family is preparing to move back to their home in Albuquerque, New Mexico, where Charlie has a new job offer, Katie is kidnapped from their back garden by a mysterious woman known only as The Magician (Hayat Kamille).

The police investigation, led by a suspicious detective (Husam Chadat) and his English-speaking assistant Detective Dalia Zaki (May Calamawy), gets nowhere.

The story jumps ahead eight years and the Cannons are settled back in Albuquerque, sharing their house with Larissa's mother, Carmen (Veronica Falcon).

Katie's bedroom remains a shrine to her, while the other two kids, Sebastian (Shylo Molina)  and Maud (Billie Roy) still share a room.

However, in Egypt a small plane crashes outside of Aswan and in the wreckage is a 3,000-year-old black, basalt sarcophagus.

When opened by a pair of archaeologists, they are very shocked to discover it contains the mummified body of Katie (Natalie Grace) - still very much alive.

A brief aside here, because this issue crops up several times in Lee Cronin's The Mummy, but if the police had investigated the two men who had died in the plane crash, the story would have been a lot shorter. But, for some reason, this obvious angle is never pursued or even really mentioned again until the final act revelation of what's been going on this whole time.

Katie is, unsurprisingly, in a very bad way, and apparently in a locked-in state, yet her doctors in Cairo - without any real medical justification or investigation - tell her parents that the best "medicine" would be to take her home to Albuquerque!

Clearly that serves the movie, but - like ignoring the inconvenient aspects of the plane crash - makes no logical sense.

Determined not to rely on actual specialists or anything sensible like that, the Cannons bring their traumatised daughter back from Egypt and Carmen insists on caring for her daughter, pretty much on her own.

Meanwhile, journalist Charlie is determined to get to the bottom of what happened to Katie in those missing eight years.

However, as Katie begins to wake up it very quickly becomes clear that she is not the Katie her family remember.

There is something very wrong with her. And it starts to spread to other members of the family.

As Lee Cronin had written and directed one of my favourite horrors of recent years, Evil Dead Rise, I cannot express just how excited I was to learn that he would next be tackling my favourite classic monster archetype, the mummy.

Add to that the fact that during pre-release promotion for Lee Cronin's The Mummy he teased that he considered this to be - unofficially - set in the same world as the Evil Dead movies.

However, I was still expecting a "mummy" movie, not an in-your-face (albeit "unofficial", I guess) addition to the Evil Dead mythos.

Sure, mummification processes are involved - and mentioned once - but Lee Cronin's The Mummy is not a "mummy" movie as such, but way more a mix of Evil Dead with a side order of The Exorcist thrown in for good measure.

This is a film with demonic possession, levitation, telekinesis, corpse defilement, bodily transformation and decay, ceiling scuttling, and creepy voices, with quite a bit echoing Cronin's brilliant Evil Dead Rise.

For a pulpy horror the 134-minute runtime is too long and The Mummy starts very slowly and juddery, despite an intriguing pre-credit sequence.

However, it does gains momentum as the horrors escalate within the Cannon home.

The narrative then gets slightly confusing as it jumps all around the place, between America and Egypt, with different avenues of investigation being pursued, while the demon within Katie gradually spreads its evil to her young siblings.

I also found the prevalence of video cassettes and - more tellingly if this was all taking place in (as it appears) a contemporary, 21st Century setting - VHS players rather jarring.

Perhaps Charlie needed one for his job, but I do think - if that's the case - a passing comment might have it made it stand out less as a plot convenience.

Not as convenient, though, as Chekov's morse code: when we first meet Katie and Charlie he is testing her on morse code, apparently for a badge with the Egyptian eagle scouts or something. It's really obvious that this is IMPORTANT. Again, it's never explained, it's just some heavy-handed foreshadowing.

While the film is disappointing in general, with plot holes that if addressed could have shortened the movie, at least when it gets to the horror parts Cronin doesn't let us down, delivering twisted gore and putrescent body horror of the finest kind.

Not that I mind having my expectations subverted - this the horror genre after all - but when the subversion changes the subject into something else completely, it becomes rather bemusing.

I just wish, rather than saying he's making a "mummy" movie, Cronin had been allowed to make another Evil Dead movie, introducing the indestructible, family-hating,  Nasmaranian demon into that canon if he so wanted.

Because I really can't help feeling that's where it belongs. Kinda like Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday.

When I come to file my Blu-Rays, Lee Cronin's The Mummy will be sat next to my Evil Dead collection, rather than my Mummy movies.

THROWBACK THURSDAY: When Hawk Failed To Fly!

Back in October 2015, I was devastated when the Kickstarter campaign to secure the final funding for the proposed Hawk The Slayer sequel, Hawk The Hunter, fell well short of its goal.

Getting the bit between my teeth, I penned an amateur dissection of what I felt went wrong.

Remember this was written over 10 years ago. In the meantime 2000AD (published by Rebellion) has run a number of original Hawk The Slayer comic strips, but - as far as I am aware - Hawk The Hunter as a movie property is dead and buried.

You can read my commentary from back then below:

The Kickstarter to secure the final slice of funding to get the long-awaited Hawk The Slayer sequel off the ground ended this week, having raised a pitiful five per cent of its target.

The Hawk The Hunter campaign started with great gusto, screenings at FrightFest in London and at a convention in the States, a slew of magazine and news website coverage.

Then nothing...

It was as though the campaign organisers were just sitting back, expecting the cash to come flooding in. Or they simply didn't understand how Kickstarter works.

The campaign launched on August 30, and ran until October 1, hoping to raise a cool half-a-million dollars, the final 20 per cent of the finances needed to get the film made.

In that time there were only three updates to the campaign, the last being on September 1, where the writer/director of the original Hawk The Slayer, Terry Marcel, said: "Just wanted to let you know we've raised $4.5M on this project, we need the final $500K to make this happen."

Through the duration of the campaign we heard nothing from the director chosen for the new film, nor from Rebellion (the comic publishers and video game company providing the special effects), no sample footage, no tunes from Rick Wakeman, or anything that might spur people to invest... beyond simple nostalgia for the original cult classic.

In the end the Kickstarter raised just under $27,000.

You just need to look at the Kicktraq data for the campaign (which is more readable actually on the Kicktraq site) to see the enthusiasm was there at the start, but then dropped away dramatically.

Days before the end of the campaign, producer Andrew Grocock posted a message to the Official Hawk The Hunter Facebook page spelling out some of the reasons why the campaign had faltered so spectacularly.

First up, a couple of their pre-release promotional videos on YouTube were removed because of music clearance issues:

"The first two videos were then taken down from YouTube by the representative of the Harry Robertson Estate [citing] Soundtrack Copyright as we’d used a few seconds of original Hawk the Slayer music without permission.

We were also issued with a statement that under no circumstances were we allowed to use the HtS soundtrack music to promote the sequel Hawk the Hunter."

Luckily co-producer Jason Kingsley, head of Rebellion, stepped in and helped create an alternative launch video.

Then, despite some success with getting Terry in front of reporters to talk about the campaign, Andrew said:

"Many newspaper, magazine, RPG and games-based media outlets refused to help promote or mention our campaign as Kickstarters are not wholly recognised as being 'FOR REAL'. Games Workshop Weekly newsletter being one opportunity that was a ‘NO’ and disappointed me the most."

In the end, the Hawk The Hunter campaign received pledges from only 375 backers (which, of course, now won't be collected). If it was just members of the Official Facebook Group who were backing it that's still less than 60 per cent of the group's 639 membership.

If self-professed fans of the franchise weren't even willing to chip in $10, what chance did Terry and Andrew have of raising $500,000 from others  who weren't so invested in the world of Hawk The Slayer?

Let's consider for a moment Iron Sky (the 2012 fan-funded Nazis-on-the-Moon 'comedy'). That was a pretty awful film that makes Hawk The Slayer look Oscar-worthy in comparison, yet its sequel, The Coming Race, raised $614,599 from 8,807 backers on IndieGoGo at the start of the year.

The current Mythica film Kickstarter (the third fantasy flick, from indie film company Arrowstorm, in a five-part saga) has gotten over 1,000 pledges already, while the second part got 1,382 and the first 1,527.

Both the Iron Sky crew and Arrowstorm get crowdfunding, understand the need to keep their backers enthused so they continue to spread the message, regularly update their sites while their campaigns are running, drip feed new titbits about the production or new investment incentives etc

Earlier in the week, when it was clear the Hawk The Hunter fundraiser wouldn't reach its goal, Terry posted an upbeat message on the film's website:

"As you may be aware, the Kickstarter campaign was unsuccessful so we are re-evaluating the project. I hope to have news before the end of the year."

However, this needs to be taken in tandem with Andrew's earlier message, which said:

"You all know the resulting failure of the Kickstarter, the numbers of which cannot justify holding onto our studio, post [production], CGI and equity pledged investment..."

So, it looks as though, if Hawk The Hunter is ever to move ahead, it's not going to be simply a question of making the movie with the $4.5 million they had raised, as they may not even have all of that now.

It's very easy to sit back here, behind my keyboard, and armchair quarterback what went wrong, but given that, in some shape or form, Hawk The Hunter has been 'in the works' for more than 30 years, you have to question some of the decisions made as the film raced towards its final hurdle.

Besides the music clearance issue discussed above, I found a number of the high value rewards on offer for the campaign rather strange, for instance:

• $250 for a 15-second bespoke voice message (even though there was no indication who the actors would be in the film).

or

• $3,000 to be an extra for a day in a tavern scene (I don't know how much extras get paid these days, but to pay three grand to appear in the background of a scene seems a mite excessive. It didn't even state where the filming would be taking place, so you could have coughed up the money then found it was being filmed somewhere you couldn't get to)

And the thing was, about the bulk of these high-end incentives, as written, you didn't even get a digital download, let along a DVD, of the movie when it was completed... or any other of the lower price incentives!

One person chipped in for a Mind Sword prop replica, a couple went for framed art, and three were hoping for a pair of premiere tickets, but most of the high-priced items didn't attract any interest.

I guess, because there was the big launch at FrightFest, Terry and his team felt committed to run the campaign to completion, but given the lack of anything from its organisers after the first few days, sadly, I'm not surprised that few others were interested in pitching in.

I'm still holding out hope that Hawk will live again, but if this campaign couldn't even muster the full support of its own fans, maybe the wider world just isn't that bothered about seeing Hawk do battle with Voltan again.

Perhaps, the Hawk The Slayer video game will still come out from Rebellion, perhaps they'll still publish the comic that was mentioned in passing during the initial promotion, or perhaps we'll have to make do with our shiny new Blu-Rays of Hawk The Slayer...

Dragon Quest (2009)

I've said it before and I'll say it again, for my money, legendary mockbuster-makers The Asylum are at their best when they're turning out fantasy movies.

While Dragon Quest (or Dragonquest or DragonQuest) may not be anything particularly original (it's basically another rehash of the "hero's journey" we all know from Star Wars) it's still a half-decent Dungeons & Dragons-style adventure yarn.

Reluctant, magical-dope-smoking hero Arkadi (Daniel Bonjour) learns from local wiseman Grandfather (Jason Connery) that he is actually the prophesied Keeper tasked with collecting the stones of virtue under the guidance of legendary warrior Maxim (Marc Singer) and his rather attractive protégé, the scantily-clad Katya (Jennifer Dorogi).

Katya (Jennifer Dorogi) - Dragon Quest's eye candy

It's no surprise really that former Beastmaster Marc Singer steals the show with a scenery-devouring performance that blends Mister Miyagi with Yoda and a dash of Basil Exposition.

To be honest Maxim justified the minimal cost of the DVD alone and I could easily have enjoyed 90-minutes of his solo adventures!

The Keeper has been called into action because a former colleague of Maxim's, the Darth Vader-ish Kirill (or Krill) - played by X-Files/Buffy The Vampire Slayer bad guy Brian Thompson - has summoned a wicked (CGI) dragon of smoke and fire to act as his avatar in his (generally unspecified) plans for world domination... and bolster-up his legions of anarchy-spreading Tolfar mercenaries.

There's dragons and there's questing and some other CGI beasties along the way for Arkadi and crew, some running about and some fighting and it's all wrapped up in an easily-digestible 85 minutes.

Filmed in the deserts of California and interspersed with stock, aerial footage of sweeping landscapes, Dragon Quest quickly shakes off its early fairy tale vibe and segues into full-blooded swords and sorcery territory.

While it delivers very little we haven't seen before, it does so with an innocent, cheeky charm that makes it enjoyable nonetheless if you are open-minded to what it has to offer (and let's be honest you have to be reasonably open-minded knowingly sitting down to watch a movie from The Asylum).

Obscure & Underrated Sword and Sorcery Movies

In this recent episode of the Atomic Snack Bar, host (and author) R. Sterling Carody takes a look at some obscure and/or underrated sword-and-sorcery movies.

Turns out I only own two of these on DVD or Blu-Ray and so now I've got some more hunting to do!

The Season Of The Witch (2011)

I'd been awaiting Season Of The Witch to drop onto DVD since I first saw trailers for it in 2011, as it looked to share the grim and gritty stylings of last year's Black Death (with Sean Bean), but with the added bonus of actual monsters for the knights to fight.

And it is like The Black Death - being set around the same time - and even has a whiff of The Name Of The Rose about it, yet despite this - and a reasonably stylish final conflict - there's no escaping the fact that Season Of The Witch is ultimately a very humdrum film.

It's not bad per se (if you like this sort of pseudo-Dungeons & Dragons, medieval adventure romp - which I do), it just could have been so much better.

At times it almost feels as though everyone is simply going through the motions to get the film wrapped up and finished so they can get on and do other things.

Nic Cage and Ron Perlman are a couple of disillusioned crusaders who desert the battle front after being ordered to slay women and children.

On their way home they stumble across a town in the grip of a virulent plague and are charged by the local Cardinal (Christopher Lee) with transporting a young girl (Claire Foy) to a remote monastery, where she can be tried for witchcraft and rituals performed to purge the disease from the land.

At first Nic doesn't believe she's a witch - despite demonstrations of her supernatural physical strength - but as the six-day cross-country journey progresses, and members of their party start being killed, he begins to change his mind.

However, it's not until the group of travellers reach the monastery that the truth of the situation is revealed.

There are some nice touches in Season Of The Witch, with the most important being the undermining of the typical cliché of this genre that the Church has been torturing an innocent girl (because it's not that straight forward and I rather wish more had been made of this during the progress of the story).

However the obstacles the group have to face along the way seem rather underwhelming, despite director Dominic Sena's attempts to up the stakes - the "rickety, old wooden bridge that looks like it won't support your weight" has been done to death (was anyone surprised that it fell apart AFTER they got across?) and what was with the pack of wolves that mysteriously transformed into slightly more aggressive wolves?

Ex-Misfit Robert Sheehan turns in a solid performance as the runaway choir boy who wants to be a knight, Ulrich Thomsen is superb as the grizzled, but reliable, man-at-arms and Stephen Campbell Moore is surprisingly good as the priest Debelzaq, who travels with them. Initially it is clear that we are supposed to see him as the enemy, but as the plot develops and he protects the witch from a summary execution, you realise that he truly believes in justice and not just simple vengeance.

However, it's Cage and Perlman - names I usually associate with memorable performances - that are phoning it in for most of the movie's 90 minutes. And the monsters (even the zombie monks) were rather a case of too little, too late.

Midnight Chronicles (2008)

There is a major flaw in Midnight Chronicles that isn't addressed in the movie (and is only hinted at in passing in the trailer)... this is not a complete story, but part of a series.

Sadly there is no indication of when, if ever, the remainder of the story will be told.

Perhaps it is supposed to be a "set-up" for a roleplaying game campaign (which would be pretty cool if it was) as the movie, made by Fantasy Flight Studios, is based on Fantasy Flight's Midnight setting for Dungeons & Dragons.

The backstory is a clever spin on Lord Of The Rings (and Peter Jackson's trilogy is clearly homaged, in a low-budget way, especially in the establishing exposition sequence): what would a fantasy world be like if the bad guys won?

In Midnight Chronicles, the world of Aryth has fallen under the thrall of the wicked god Izrador, the elves have fled to their forests and the dwarves disappeared underground, leaving mankind to be ruled by Izrador's dark priests, the Legates, and his legions of orcs.

An infamous Legate, Mag Kiln (Charles Hubbell) is on a mission to track down a missing priest, assisted by the annoying, hedonistic Kruce (Sam Landman).

However, they are diverted by acolyte Chuzara (Dawn Brodey) to the town of Blackweir - to investigate why the town's temple still hasn't been completed after a hundred years... and whether attacks by a local brigand known as the Hunter are to blame.

And this is where a second fault with the film begins to reveal itself, a fault tied very heavily into the first, that there is simply too much going on in the story for the audience to keep track of.

Compound that with the surfeit of 'otherworldy' names and characters and it's no wonder the full story couldn't be told in 100 minutes.

There's a "monster" (or is it a force for good?) lurking in the temple, but it's exact nature is never explained, and there are hints of a heroic warrior - who doesn't know his destiny is to be the counterbalance to Mag Kiln's rise to power - but he barely registers in the story and is quite possibly redundant to the plot of this movie.

The film makers clearly accept that they are working on a limited budget and don't try to overstretch their special effects, limiting the non-humans, such as the orcs and elves (dwarves are talked about, but never seen), to pretty decent masks and make-up and the film's CGI effects to attractive backdrops and subtle magical effects.

However, the script is clearly written by a gamer rather than a professional scriptwriter because, as I have said, a lot is set-up that never pays off - which is fine in an RPG because the characters can always go and explore those avenues at a later date, but a film script really needs to be self-contained.

The blurb on the DVD case says the film is:

"...the epic narrative that tells the tale of two legendary characters - one for the cause of good, the other for the cause of evil. This is the story of their rise, their struggle and ultimately their fate, as their destinies become intertwined with that of the world and the dark god that occupies it"

That's a lie... kind of. That's the plot of the whole 'epic' that this is simply the prologue of. And if the series ever gets made, I'd gladly watch it because there's a lot of detail in this world that has the potential for some thrilling storytelling.http://

What we actually get here is the first two episodes (a 'pilot' as it were) for a potential television series that never took off. Given the success of Legend Of The Seeker around the time of this film's release there would definitely have been a market for this, but I suspect that boat has sailed.

Unfortunately I don't think the rest of the story will ever be told because Midnight was a 3.5 edition Dungeons & Dragons setting, from what I can recall, and the gaming world has moved on from there.

Fantasy Flight has turned its attention to Warhammer, Anima and Grimm these days and wasn't supporting Midnight anymore.

Which is a shame, because this movie certainly has potential. The script and the acting certainly aren't Oscar worthy, but the effects don't grate and the setting has the strong verisimilitude of all good game worlds.

So instead of the launch pad for a television series that could have become the role-players' equivalent of Lord Of The Rings (maybe), Midnight Chronicles stands alone as a quirky experiment by a games company that will probably, sadly, fade into gaming lore as time continues to move on.


Back in 2010, over on Facebook, Angus Abranson, then at Cubicle 7, explained:

"I believe that this was made as a pilot to tout around various TV networks. Also Midnight is an IP that FFG own themselves and are quite fond of (they've already used the Midnight setting in one of their Runebound Board Games too) so don't be surprised to see other 'Midnight' related products appear outside of the RPG market at somepoint."

Hawk (2011)

During The Dark Ages, a young pagan boy Rowan (Steffan Thomas), is raised in the wilds of Wales by his grandfather, Gawain (Philip Madoc), and taught the ways of wilderness survival, and respect for Nature and its protector, The Antlered God (Barry Cockers, with Sain Evans providing its otherworldly voice).

However, when Gawain dies, leaving the lad alone, Rowan imbibes of the forbidden hallucinogenic mushroom drink that his grandfather consumed, looking for guidance and explanations in the spirit realm.

Instead, enraged and confused, he commits a heinous crime against the Antlered God and is charged with making recompense, initially adopting an orphaned fledgling hawk (apparently, correctly termed an eyas).

A couple of decades later, adult Rowan (Robert Gwyn Davin) and his hawk realise a pair of innocent worshippers of The Nailed God (ie. Christians) - Ruth (Joanna Maw) and Jack (Mark Charles) - have wandered into his part of the wildlands and are in danger of setting off his hunting traps.

He races to save them...

Coming in at just under 40 minutes duration, Hawk is a gorgeous-looking short film, from the evocative costuming to the stunning Welsh landscapes that make full use of a widescreen.

Massive kudos to cinematographer Martin Hill and costume designer Anna Kovacevic for giving Hawk such high calibre visuals.

The film was written and directed by M.J. McMahon with co-writer Alex McArdell.

Initially the narrative comes across as almost glacial in its progress, taking its time to lay out a montage of the everyday existence of young Rowan and his wise grandfather, and possibly relying a bit too much on voice-over.

However, once the plot hits its tipping point, events unravel at a much faster rate.

So much so that you might be slightly confused by the goings-on, but taking a holistic view of the pagan world as presented, in concert with Gawain's teachings, you will realise the story is ultimately about karma, restoring the balance of nature.

For those bothered by such things (including me), I have to warn you that there's a surprising amount of (simulated) animal death and harm in this short fantasy drama.

Connoisseurs of vintage British television (and particularly the classic era of Doctor Who) should check Hawk out as it's the last on-screen appearance of the legendary Philip Madoc.

I came across the film via the official Hawk The Slayer fan page on Facebook, not that it has any connection to that epic movie beyond the word "Hawk" in its title.

Released by British production company Capture, Hawk is available to purchase via a variety of platforms, although I went old school and ordered the Blu-Ray edition from them.

Blades of The Guardians Trailer Delivers Peak Wuxia Action

Legendary action master Yuen Woo-ping brings together martial arts icons Wu Jing, Nicholas Tse, Max Zhang, and Jet Li on an epic wuxia adventure across the desert sands.

Bounty hunter Doa Ma takes a job escorting the empire’s most wanted man, Zhi Shi Lang, to Chang’an city. As word gets out, his group is hunted down by warriors across the land. The chase is relentless, the action is non-stop, and the blades cut deep.

Available on Digital June 30, own it on 4K, Blu-ray & DVD August 25 [in the US].

Hawkwind - The Chronicle of The Black Sword (1985)

The chance to finally see a live performance of one of my favourite albums of recent years was too good an opportunity to pass up, even if the cost of the DVD on eBay was a bit on the pricey side.

Hawkwind: The Chronicle of The Black Sword is a 75-minute live show by the legendary rock band, performing select tracks from their 1985 album of the same name, a musical adaptation of the early adventures of Michael Moorcock's cursed, albino, swords-and-sorcery anti-hero, Elric of Melniboné.

Not only does Elric himself appear in the show, in the form of actor Tony Crerar, complete with Kabuki-style face paint and wielding a mighty Stormbringer prop, but Michael Moorcock pops up as well, providing lyrical 'spoken word' narration to some of the stories being presented.

He returns for the encore, adding guest vocals to the medley of Hawkwind tracks.

Hawkwind: The Chronicle of The Black Sword isn't a full-on rock opera though, more a series of psychedelic vignettes, often centred around primitive and dated lighting effects, clearly designed not so much to be "watched" as "experienced", quite possibly with the aid of non-prescription drugs. 

Filmed at London's Hammersmith Odeon in 1985, and released (presumably initially on VHS) the following year, both the sound and the image quality are not up to the levels we are used to these days, and I couldn't help feeling that this concert recording could benefit from a 21st Century Blu-Ray or 4K upgrade.

I think I only consciously discovered Hawkwind, and particularly this Elric-inspired album, in the last decade or so.

I have to confess that this live performance will never replace the majesty of the original album, but it was certainly captures a moment, and gives us a unique Moorcock-endorsed look at a hallucinogenic interpretation of the world of Elric.

For comparison, the album tracks, on the version I own, are:

• Song of the Swords
• Shade Gate
• The Sea King
• The Pulsing Cavern
• Elric the Enchanter
• Needle Gun
• Zarozinia
• The Demise
• Sleep of a Thousand Tears
• Chaos Army
• Horn of Destiny
• Arioch
• Night of The Hawks
• Green Finned Demon
• Dream Dancers
• Dragons and Fables

Whereas the songs performed in the live set are:

• Song of The Swords
• Sea King
• Master of The Universe
• Choose Your Masques
• Needlegun
• Zarozinia
• Lords of Chaos
• Brainstorm
• Moonglum
• Elric The Enchanter
• Magnu
• Horn of Destiny

Now, come on Hollywood, where's our Elric of Melniboné movie?

You already have the perfect lead in Tilda Swinton...

Erik The Conqueror (1961)

In the late Eighth Century, invading Vikings are driven away from British shores by the forces of King Loter (Franco Ressel).

However during the battle, Loter is assassinated by the machinations of treacherous Sir Rutford (Andrea Checchi), while the leader of the Vikings, King Harald (Folco Lulli) is also killed, stranding his two young twin sons, Erik and Eron.

While Eron is whisked away by his fellow Vikings, young Erik is left alone, floating in the sea, only to be later found and adopted by the widowed Queen of England, Alice (Françoise Christophe).

It has to be said that in the few shots of young Erik in the sea, child actor Loris Loddi looks genuinely distressed and it is actually quite upsetting.

The story then jumps ahead 20 years, and we watch as Eron (The High Chaparral's Cameron Mitchell, who has an air of Daniel Craig and early Robert Shaw about him) is named as Viking war chief to lead a mass raid on Britain, while simultaneously Erik (Giorgio Ardisson) is named Duke of Helford and leader of the English sea forces (to defend against the impending Viking invasion).

In their first sea battle, Erik's ship is sabotaged by Sir Rutford (who is pissed that Erik has taken his job, and has eyes on marrying The Queen in a power grab) and sinks.

Erik washes up on the shores of "the land of the Vikings" and is rescued by priestess Rama (Alice Kessler), the identical twin sister of Eron's beloved, the priestess Daya (Ellen Kesler).

Unfortunately, Erik is captured when he sneaks into Eron's wedding ceremony and mistakes Eron's bride for his own love interest.

Eventually, Erik escapes with Rama, and the kidnapped Queen Alice, makes it back to England where he teams up with some Scottish nobles to besiege the castle of the treacherous Sir Rutford.

Only to find Eron and his Vikings are already there, and seemingly in league with Rutford.

Not to be confused with Erik The Viking, Erik The Conqueror is a 1961 Italian rip-off the fantastic 1958 Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis film, The Vikings.

Much to my surprise though, given that this is the work of Mario Brava, who is primarily known for his work in the overrated giallo genre, Erik The Conqueror is a pretty decent, low-budget swashbuckling romp. 

However, it veers way more towards fantasy than pseudohistory, particularly in its depictions of the Vikings, with their cavernous, subterranean palace and decidedly un-Viking "Vestal Virgins" (Brava clearly drawing on his Italian heritage here).

And while there are elements clearly lifted direct from the far superior earlier film, The Vikings - from the story of two estranged brothers to the climactic confrontation, and resolution - Erik The Conqueror also charts its own course on occasions or tries to obfuscate its lifts with minor changes (for example, the legendary axe climb of the original film is a ridiculous arrow climb here).

A fun, 90-minute non-stop action movie (with pretty decent dubbing on the English language version and glorious crisp imagery on the Arrow Video blu-ray), Erik The Conqueror is an enjoyable - very unhistorical and not wholly original - Viking yarn.

Valhalla Rising (2009)

Television's Hannibal Lecter Mads Mikkelsen is One-Eye, the Viking ultimate fighting champion, a mysterious mute slave so dangerous he has to be kept in chains at all times - even when he fights.

Eventually he escapes captivity and after exacting revenge on his captors he - and the young lad who has been looking after him (Maarten Stevenson) - fall in with a bunch of Christian Vikings heading to the Holy Land to liberate Jerusalem.

Unfortunately once at sea they become lost in a mysterious fog and when they eventually make landfall it isn't the Middle East but the brave new world of the Americas.

Valhalla Rising is not your typical Viking movie. Languid, episodic and mesmerising, with minimal dialogue, it has far more in common with Aguirre, The Wrath Of God (and, by extension, Apocalypse Now) than, say, Pathfinder or Outlander - even down to the harassment from unseen, missile-firing enemies.

Mix in One-Eye's bloody prophetic visions (which he can't share with anyone, of course) and the occasional reality-challenging montage, such as the sequence where the Christians appear to be attacking each other as One-Eye constructs an impossible pillar of odd-shaped rocks, and you have a film that is far more mystical than mainstream.

It clearly all means something but I'm not entirely sure what - perhaps Mikkelsen's one-eyed berserker is meant to represent Odin of Norse mythology and the young boy is Thor?

Valhalla Rising is definitely a DVD that will require a second viewing - but with the commentary track turned on.

What isn't in doubt is the gorgeous, but bleak, landscapes against which everything is framed. The harsh elements are as much a factor as anything else in this atmospheric drama, even to the extent that there are no buildings featured at all; the characters never have any form of comfort. There are also no women involved either.

Anyone coming to this expecting massive battle scenes, constant clashes between hordes of blood-soaked Vikings and a fast-and-furious action-adventure will be disappointed, but if you are open to something a bit different then you might find Valhalla Rising piquing your interest.

The Vikings (1958)

The Vikings, one of the most iconic movies from my youth, has been given a blu-ray upgrade in 2017, which I immediately pulled the trigger on.

While not laden with extras, it's still a worthwhile investment if you have such fond memories of this as I do.

Based on the 1951 novel by Edison Marshall and echoing the stories retold in The History Channel's Vikings series, this action-packed 1950's epic primarily focuses on the seething resentment between churlish and vain Einar (the immortal Kirk Douglas) - son of legendary Viking king Ragnar Lodbrok (Ernest Borgnine) - and strong-willed slave Eric (Tony Curtis).

Einar is already pissed at Eric for disfiguring his face (one of many stand-out moments in this marvellous movie), but then they both find themselves drawn towards the kidnapped English princess Morgana (Psycho's Janet Leigh), who is, in turn, betrothed to the odious King Aella (Frank Thring) of Northumbria.

Treacherous Northumbrian nobleman Lord Egbert (James Donald), a long-time ally of Ragnar, happens to know that Eric is actually the heir to the throne of Northumbria... as well as a son of Ragnar (and therefore half-brother of Einar).

He hopes to use this knowledge to his own advantage, while exacting revenge on Aella through Ragnar's Vikings.

Beautifully filmed in vivid Technicolour by Oscar-winning Sevenoaks cinematographer Jack Cardiff (who I interviewed while I was working for the local paper there), the Blu-Ray makes The Vikings look as fresh and new as possible.

Kirk Douglas has never looked more menacing, Tony Curtis more handsome, and Janet Leigh more gorgeous.

Supported by an incredible cast, with breathtakingly detailed practical sets, and shot at a variety of eye-catching locations around Europe, under the guidance of director Richard Fleischer (Conan The Destroyer; 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea; Fantastic Voyage; Soylent Green; Doctor Dolittle; The Boston Strangler etc), it's no wonder that this movie has stayed with me since I saw it on TV as a young kid.

As was the fashion with many vintage films, the ending is rather abrupt (once its central storyline has concluded) and leaves a lot of points unresolved that would have 21st Century audiences racing to the Internet to moan about or resolve through fan-fiction.

But this doesn't distract from the non-stop adventure that drives the narrative from the opening narration of Orson Welles to the final credits.

To modern sensibilities, raised on the likes of Game of Thrones, the largely bloodless fight sequences and the occasionally theatrical acting may feel a bit dated, but truly this is a wonderful, engrossing, two-hour historical romp.

And any gamer worth his salt, once he's seen Einar's "axe climb", will be wanting to recreate that sequence in his next Dungeons & Dragons adventure...

Ape vs Mecha Ape (2023)

After the surprisingly enjoyable nonsense of Ape vs Monster, I'm delighted that The Asylum decided to return to that particular well with an even wilder sequel, Ape vs Mecha Ape.

Nearly two years after the events of the original movie, the American government has been working on a Mecha Ape program (for reasons).

The film opens with the Pentagon taking its giant robot for a test drive in the Eastern European country of Vololodrezjk (aka The Great Sovereignty), where it flattened an illicit chemical weapons factory (along with all the troops guarding it).

Understandably miffed by this, a rogue cadre of elite Vololodrezjkan Foreign Intelligence Division operatives - husband and wife Arnott (Xander Bailey) and Pavla Oalk (Iris Svis), along with hacker Blanka (Lindsey Marie Wilson), Florien (Sady Diallo), and Zara (Eugenia Kuzmina) - head to the States, with the aim of hijacking the Mecha Ape so it will steal a nuclear warhead and detonate it in Chicago.

Meanwhile, our old friend Abraham, the 45-foot tall giant ape with alien DNA in his blood, is about to be moved from his secure location, much to the concern of his main handler, Sloane (Asylum regular Anna Telfer), who has developed a canny method for communicating with the oversized primate using different coloured lights.

However, once Mecha Ape starts his out-of-control rampage (and Sloane ends up trapped inside him!), the American government decides the only course of action is to release Abraham... so he can destroy the Mecha Ape before it has a chance to set off the 1.2 megaton nuclear bomb.

Even though none of the human stars of the original movie return for this sequel, Ape vs Mecha Ape crashes ahead with such gusto that you soon forget about that and are drawn into the unfolding chaos.

The script from writer/director Marc Gottlieb (another familiar name from Asylum credits) does a great job of foreshadowing useful plot twists and - as with the original - distracting from the fact that the two giant creatures don't actually appear onscreen as much as perhaps we would have hoped (although there are plenty of shots of people looking up or reacting to sounds from off-screen).

Obfuscation of plot holes and budgetary deficiencies is handled with deft dollops of technobabble again and extended scenes of people doing anything but interacting directly with the giant ape or towering robot.

However, it's the climactic fight in the streets of Chicago between Abraham and Mecha Ape that we paid the £7 cost of the DVD for and that delivers, once it arrives. Sure, it doesn't last long but the kaiju-scale property damage is still impressive.

I realise the financial limits of an Asylum budget mean the CGI content has to be carefully shepherded but why don't they take a leaf out of the classic Toho playbook and put some stunt people in rubber suits and have them crash around on a model city?

While I don't think Abraham has quite the cachet of a Sharknado just yet, I really hope The Asylum continues this entertainingly silly franchise (although some returning human characters would be a nice, and useful, touch for continuity).

And I want to know more about the Vololodrezjkans! From just the titbits we heard about it here, I reckon that fictional country is prime real estate for a whole cavalcade of Asylum movies.