SINBAD WEEK: Sinbad of The Seven Seas (1989)

As the original 1947 Sinbad The Sailor movie proved, you can make an excellent Sinbad film without Harryhausen effects as long as you have a great cast and script - Sinbad Of The Seven Seas has none of these.

I guess my spidey-sense should have been tingling by the mere sight of Lou 'Incredible Hulk' Ferrigno grinning on the cover of the DVD case.

And if not then, by the fact that the film opens with a contemporary framing device of an annoying  mother (Daria Nicolodi) reading her equally annoying daughter (Giada Cozzi), Edgar Allan Poe's The Thousand-and-Second Tale of Scheherazade (although Poe's story bears no similarity to this sorry affair).

So far, so Princess Bride. But the narration continues, even as the scene shifts to Sinbad and his multi-racial crew, and then it continues some more and it pretty much never stops throughout the whole movie!

And if that wasn't bad enough, all the dialogue by the main characters has been rerecorded and dubbed over - quite badly and quite obviously.

Not that the actors are that good anyway, nor do they have quality material to work with and little apparent direction from Enzo Castellari, master of the spaghetti western and director of the original Inglorious Bastards.

From start to finish, Sinbad Of The Seven Seas is a dreadful script performed by dreadful actors, with the only comparison I can make being the distinctly British tradition of pantomime. And like pantomime, unless you are under six, Sinbad The Sailor is - in equal parts - likely to bore you to distraction and have you laughing out loud at its awfulness.

The only performer to come out of this with any kudos is John Steiner as villainous vizier Jaffar, clearly the only one in on the joke, who is gloriously over-the-top and arch, switching between delightful smugness and being his own worse enemy. Not only does he tell Sinbad where he has hidden the magic crystals that Sinbad must track down but then, having summoned a magical storm to batter Sinbad's ship, he runs it ashore on one of the islands where some of the crystals are hidden!

Inexplicably Sinbad is joined on his adventures by a Viking (Ennio Girolami), a Chinese soldier of fortune called Samurai (!!!) (Hal Yamanouchi), effete prince Ali (Roland Wybenga) - who is to marry the caliph of Basra's cute daughter, Alina (Alessandra Martines) - as well as a bald chef and a cowardly dwarf called Poochie (Cork Hubbert).

While chasing after the magic jewels that Jaffar has scattered - like a pointless video game - they encounter a number of ludicrous obstacles, most of which are overcome by very bad fight sequences (Sinbad has an odd habit of throwing his sword away and simply wrestling whatever he is facing).

The only scenario that shows a bit of initiative is Sinbad's seduction by Amazon Queen Farida (Melonee Rodgers) and her ultimate comeuppance.

I can't even bring myself to discuss the surreal cameo by bodybuilder Teagan Clive as Jaffar's co-conspirator, Soukra, the S&M dominatrix witch, except to say, like the rest of the film, it will leave you perplexed, bemused and possibly in need of counselling.

Unless you are in a particularly masochistic mood, really love ultra-low budget bad movies or are aged under six, Sinbad Of The Seven Seas is best steered clear of.

When The Raven Flies aka Revenge of the Barbarians aka Hrafninn Flýgur (1984)

Having survived a Viking raid when his parents were killed and young sister kidnapped, Irish youth Gest (Jakob Þór Einarsson) spends 20 years planning his revenge.

Arriving in Iceland, it isn't long before he's Yojimbo-ing things up between his two targets, the blood-brothers Erik (Flosi Ólafsson) and Thord (Helgi Skúlason).

These Vikings had fled to Iceland with their men, to escape the wrath of King Harald of Norway after a failed coup attempt, so they're not exactly trusting to start with.

Gest very quickly starts playing them off against each other, and when one is killed you expect the film to be heading into its final act.

However, things get complicated when Gest discovers not only has one of the men married his sister (Edda Björgvinsdóttir), but also fathered a child, Einar (Gottskálk D. Sigurdarson) with her.

An almost legendary film that's hard to track down these days, When The Raven Flies goes by several names (the "When" seems to be optional in the main title, for instance), including Revenge of The Barbarians in the States and Hrafninn Flýgur in its original Icelandic.

Touted as the "most authentic Viking film ever", this Icelandic-Swedish co-production from 1984 certainly benefits from its shooting locations in Iceland, complete with black beaches and craggy hills; and unremitting weather, alternating between torrential rain and gale-force winds; as well as a cast speaking Icelandic.

But When The Raven Flies also owes a debt to the sword-and-sorcery genre so prevalent in cinema at that time, not that there's any magic or monsters in this one, but it has that gritty, Earthy, small-cast feel of so many similar cinematic stories featuring people swinging swords and axes.

While the overarching plot may not be that original - we've seen it played out with samurai, Wild West gunslingers, fantasy warriors, and gangsters - the Viking period, with its set attitudes to honour and ritual, gives it a fresh feeling.

The verisimilitude is heightened through the use of unusually-fashioned weaponry, which I'm presuming are the 'real deal' compared to flashier Hollywood armaments.

I also loved the fact that everyone rode the small but powerful horses native to Iceland, just adding another layer of authenticity to the drama.

The film is, naturally, violent throughout, but the bright red 'blood' - and avoidance of too much dwelling on injuries - lowers the gore factor down to almost Saturday evening family viewing.

Easy to root for, Gest is a pretty cool hero, armed with his spear-concealing shepherd's crook and an array of deadly throwing blades.

While he's barely set foot in Iceland before he's killing off bad guys, it's all part of a methodical, long game.

And I couldn't stop myself from making Batman comparisons (inspired by the murder of his parents before his eyes), even though it's never expressly stated how long Gest spent on his training and how long on actually setting his Machiavellian scheme in motion (we discover that it began quite some time before he arrives in Iceland).

Possibly because it's subtitled, I must confess at times I felt this 105-minute tale dragged a bit in the middle (there is an English-language cut of the film on the DVD, but that was about quarter of an hour shorter and I wanted the full experience).

However, the pay-off at the end is worth the time invested, especially as it sets up the potential for another cycle of violence... as happens with blood feuds.

When The Raven Flies turns out to be the first part of a Viking Trilogy, but, except for brief trailers on the disc, I know nothing (yet) about the subsequent films, In The Shadow Of The Raven and The White Viking.

I was lucky enough to snag a DVD - via eBay and shipped in from Germany - for just over £3, around a tenth of the price I've seen the film listed at (when it crops up on either eBay or Amazon).

If you like Viking films, then I'd definitely say this is one worth hanging on for, just be careful not to pay over the odds.

SUPERB OWL LX MOVIE TRAILERS

SUPERGIRL

THE MANDALORIAN AND GROGU

DISCLOSURE DAY

SCREAM 7

MINIONS & MONSTERS

EPISODE TWO: Fate Hangs In The Balance

Precariously suspended between a pillar of rock and one of ice, Erik The Red's Drakkar

Picking up from the end of the last episode, our heroes were confronted by the sight of Erik The Red's two-masted longship, The Drakkar, suspended precariously between a pillar of rock and a pillar of ice.

An enormous chasm split the subterranean cavern in which we found ourselves, dropping away hundreds of feet to freezing water below and opening to the sky far above us, causing the ice to glitter with ambient light.

Buck (my world-weary explorer), Dick (Kevin's former G-man), and Freya (Clare's photojournalist) stood at the foot of the rocky pillar, the words of our benefactor Professor Casper Wieloch ringing in our ears about his quest for a mysterious artefact from this site.

Clearly this dangerously balanced Viking longboat was the ideal place to hide such an item.

It was quickly decided that Buck would climb up to the ship, as climbing was one of his areas of expertise, and then Freya would follow to lend support.

Dick would stay on the rocky ledge to keep an eye on things outside of the longboat. 

[Unfortunately, this did mean that Kevin was rather side-lined for a vast portion of this session, which I felt rather bad about as Buck took the spotlight].

Carefully, we made our way onto the ship... but not carefully enough. We had barely taken a step onto its deck when it shifted and dropped dramatically at one end.

We could see a trapdoor hatch near the prow and so, roped together, Freya and Buck cautiously made their way along the central aisle, between the oarsmen's seats, as the boat groaned and shifted beneath us.

Buck made it through the hatch, and Freya followed. We found a cargo hold full of crates, rotting barrels, and frozen fish, but the beady-eyed Freya couldn't see any indication of treasure down here.

She did draw attention to the cracked and loose floorboards though, which gave Buck the idea of prying one up to see if anything was hidden underneath them.

This the two adventurers did. And the first thing they saw was the glint of gold coins!

They needed to lift up a second floorboard so Buck could get down there, but the ship lurched dangerously to one side, not only sending crates and barrels sliding about, but also dislodging a small collection of gold coins.

Once the ship had settled, Buck lowered himself down and, ignoring the few gold coins scattered around, immediately saw the skeleton of a Viking warrior laid to rest in the crawlspace under the hold. The long-dead Norseman was clutching a scrap of paper and a large metal disc.

Buck delicately removed both items, but that movement was the final straw for the ship. It started to noisily crack in half and was obviously going to plummet the great distance into the icy water below.

Witnessing this from outside, Dick took hold of the rope that was attached to his comrades, who were racing out of the crumbling relic. 

In a storm of rotting wood, Buck and Freya leapt to safety, secured by Dick.

Taking a breath on the ledge, Freya read the scrap of parchment:

She translated the Greek text as "Island of Atlantis".

Dick, on the other hand, examined the disc - which was actually three discs, joined together, with Latin letters on, and realised it was some form of ancient cypher.

Clearly this is what their paymaster had been seeking.

The ancient cypher

EPILOGUE:

After the bold trio made their way to Nuuk, and met up with aviatrix Oynx (Mark's character), they flew on to Austria where they met Professor Casper Wieloch at his home overlooking Lake Wolfgang.

He was delighted with what our heroes had achieved and admitted that he already had a lead on how he could crack the Norse code.

TO BE CONTINUED...

CAST:

• Buck Hannigan - Me
• Freya Larson - Clare
• Dick Tate - Kevin
• Onyx Jones - Mark (absent)

DIRECTOR:

• Pete

EPISODE ONE: Gaming Again! It's A Christmas Miracle!

It's great to be gaming with my friends again

For numerous reasons, it's been a rough year for the Tuesday Knights.

Until this week, we haven't gathered for gaming purposes since about May, but given the improvement in my mobility and stability I was determined that we get in, at least, one game before the end of the year.

Sadly, Mark wasn't able to make it due to a prior commitment, but Clare, Pete, and Kevin showed up this week for the resumption of Pete's pulpy "weird science" campaign.

We finished that campaign's first "season" in February 2024, after three years and 32 sessions of gaming.

The idea of this week's gathering was to "generate" our characters and gain an overview of Pete's new system of choice: Outgunned Adventures from Two Little Mice.

Festive bao buns, courtesy of Rachel

But, first, we had a massive Christmas feast of pizza and festive nibbles to tuck into, prepared for us by Rachel, and a lot of catching-up to do. Sure, we chat in our WhatsApp group, but it's not the same as face-to-face banter.

Once we reached the stage where we couldn't eat any more, the table was cleared and the gaming began.

Following the get-together Pete and I had the other day about transferring the group's characters from Hollow Earth Expedition to Outgunned, Pete handed out character sheets to us all and talked us through character creation.

I liked this because, at the end of the process, the characters felt like our own creations rather than just "pregens".

The game's simple dice mechanic was explained and then we were thrown into Frozen Legacy, the first episode of the Saturday morning serial (ie. campaign) called The Fate of Atlantis.

It's still the pre-war 1930's and our characters - explorer Buck Hannigan (me), photojournalist Freya Larson (Clare), and former G-man, Richard Tate (Kevin) - are now freelance adventurers.

We've been hired by Professor Casper Wieloch to find the lost tomb of Erik The Red in Greenland, and retrieve a mysterious (and unknown) artifact. To aid us, the professor loaned our group Odin's Key, an iron medallion engraved with runes and with a translucent crystal lens at its centre.

Prof Casper Wieloch (left) and sketch of Odin's Key (right)

We soon found ourselves scaling a massive ice wall in Greenland. Buck put his mountaineering experience to good use, keeping his friends safe on the tricky ascent as the wind howled and the sea crashed violently below.

At the top of the climb we found a plateau with a single, ancient, Christian memorial with the words "sicut vixi ego relinquo" carved up on it. 

Freya translated this ("as I lived, so I depart"), but raised concerns as to why someone who had rejected Christianity (ie. Erik The Red) would have a Christian memorial.

Patterned floor tiles

Spotting a groove in the side of the stone, Buck blundered on, inserting Odin's Key (while still clenching it firmly). This - unfortunately - set off the first booby trap. The ground opened up beneath us and we were all propelled down a rough slide into the freezing ocean water.

Luckily, we spotted a nearby cave and swam into it for safety. Inside we found a passageway leading deeper into the rock, which led us into a big cavern containing some Viking skeletons.

As we progressed, it became clear that the room was man-made, with Freya identifying the Viking architecture and the large statue of Odin, holding a golden spear, at the far end.

Between us and the statue, which wore an eyepatch featuring the same designs as our medallion, was a floor of finished stone, featuring tiles of different colours. 

It was clear this was some kind of puzzle trap, but when Freya looked across the floor through the lens of Odin's Key she saw "safe" routes illuminated - unfortunately a different route depending on which eye she used to peer through the Key.

With Dick and Freya staying back to guide him, Buck began to cross the floor - following their instructions.

Unfortunately, he picked the wrong path to start with, causing the statue to lower its spear at him and a tidal wave of sea water to surge through the cavern, accompanied by a strong rush of wind.

Second time lucky (now in near pitch darkness), Buck reached the statue and found a partially opened panel behind it, which he and Dick managed to force open. 

They passed through a narrow corridor into a blinding light, emanating from an enormous ice cavern where a Viking longboat was suspended from the ceiling, wedged between two pillars of ice.

TO BE CONTINUED...

CAST:

• Buck Hannigan - Me
• Freya Larson - Clare
• Dick Tate - Kevin
• Onyx Jones - Mark (absent)

DIRECTOR:

• Pete

Biblical Epics

Every now and again in my non-stop viewing calendar I like to take a moment to return to the big screen epics of my youth, the grandiose Bible stories that were a staple of vintage cinema.

In those benighted, pre-VHS days, when there were only three TV channels available in the UK, I would get my large-scale fantasy fix from 1950's movies like The Ten Commandments (which I'm watching at the moment), Ben-Hur, The Robe, Quo Vadis etc which were played, it seemed, pretty much on rotation at the weekends.

I have an embarrassing childhood memory of a very young me (possibly five or six) standing in the garden with a large stick - doubling as a staff - pretending to be Moses at the top of my lungs!

Never once did I think these were anything more than pseudohistorical, sword-and-sandal, fantasy stories but there was something there that piqued my young imagination.

In parallel with my unwavering love of Ray Harryhausen films and coupled with Kirk Douglas in The Vikings and, of course, Spartacus, these movies were already shaping my "swords-and-???" tastes even before I was introduced to the works of JRR Tolkien and then Dungeons & Dragons. 

Dungeons & Dragons provided me with a way to quantify ("stat up") the things I was seeing in these movies and hearing at school during our compulsory "religious education" (which meant trying to force Christianity onto us, rather than teaching us about all the religions of the world).

At prep school, I recall excitedly going through the hymn book we were given, hunting for potential magic items: "Bring me my bow of burning gold, bring me my arrows of desire!"

In recent times, harkening back to this mini-obsession of my tween and pre-tween years, I even sought out (I think from Noble Knight Games in the  States eventually, when it didn't cost an arm and a leg to ship something across The Atlantic), the Green Ronin d20 supplement Testament, for running games in the Old Testament era.

No, it doesn't have stats for God (unlike the Fantasy Wargaming book, by the late Bruce Galloway, published in the early 1980s, which has stats for both God and the Virgin Mary) but it does go into a lot of historical detail about life and beliefs in that ancient era.

The most recent "Biblical Epic" of the peplum variety that I've seen was 2018's Samson, a pretty decent retelling of one of the few Bible stories that ever held my interest.

Although they seem to be few and far between these days, I always keep half-an-eye out for any competent "Biblical Epics" that skirt the edges of my geeky radar.

HALLOWEEN HORROR: The Seed (2021)

Three old friends - vapid online influencer Deidre (Lucy Martin from Vikings), pet shop worker Charlotte (I Hate Suzie's Chelsea Edge), and Heather (Sophie Vavasseur, Resident Evil: Apocalypse) - head for chilled weekend at an isolated luxury villa in the Mojave desert.

The idea being they will spend the time catching-up, drinking, taking drugs and watching a "once-in-a-lifetime" meteor shower.

However, an unexpected side effect of the meteor shower is the arrival of a strange creature, dropping out the sky into the villa's swimming pool.

Thinking it's possibly an armadillo or a bear cub, Charlotte wants to care for it, but the others are less keen and just want rid of the bizarre, stinking object.

However, as the weekend unfolds, the new arrival begins to have a strange effect on first Deidre and then Heather, before Charlotte (the obvious Final Girl from the moment she appears on screen) realises what is going on.

The first feature-length work from writer-director Sam Walker, The Seed is an engrossing - if not totally original - spin on an anti-E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial meets Color Out Of Space story.

On a superficial level, this is a 1950s shlock horror movie of the "aliens-want-our-women" sub-genre, updated for the contemporary social media generation. 

I was really expecting to find the leads annoying, but even the over-the-top Deidre is hypnotically watchable because of Lucy Martin's stellar performance.

Throw in some surreal Society-style shunting; psychedelic mental communications; and gallons of black, alien, blood and you have a great recipe for an enjoyable 90-minute Lovecraftian body horror romp.

The alien creature itself is fascinating as it is largely passive, but, as long as you can suspend your disbelief, this puppet-from-another-planet is a compelling antagonist since it relies primarily on mental powers - rather than physical - to get what it wants.

The script isn't perfect though. While Charlotte and Deidre are well-developed characters, Heather seems oddly lacking any sort of backstory beyond the fact that her father owns the villa and she's constantly worried about messing it up.

And when Charlotte and Heather are exploring the seemingly-abandoned cabin of their nearest neighbour, there's a definite suggestion that something apocalyptic has happened to the rest of the world already, and yet later we learn this is not the case.

Conversely, through the clever use of clairvoyant montages, The Seed does an excellent job of foreshadowing the alien invader's plans for the Earth without anyone spoon-feeding them to the audience.

Sam Walker also clearly loves his fake-out endings, which I always approve of if done well and these are.

HALLOWEEN HORROR: The Head Hunter (2018)

When your flaming torch-carrying protagonist is wading through a claustrophobic, waterlogged, subterranean labyrinth in pursuit of a reanimated monster he has killed once already, you've pretty much reached peak Dungeons & Dragons.

Gorgeously shot in Portugal with a budget of around $30,000, The Head Hunter is a mix of character study and horror flick, with so little dialogue it's almost a silent movie.

Carrying the entirety of the action on his shoulders, Christopher Rygh is phenomenal as the main character, the titular "head hunter", Dagg, a grizzled, veteran, monster-slaying bounty hunter.

A film of two halves, the first part of the 73-minute movie examines the head hunter's day-to-day life in his isolated cabin on the edge of the kingdom,

Rather than focusing on the monster slaying (which always occurs off-screen), it instead establishes his routines and then deals with the immediate aftermath of each combat, coping with injuries, recycling parts of slain monsters as potions and salves etc.

As Dagg's wall of trophy heads grow, there is always one missing: the head of the creature that killed his daughter (Cora Kaufman) years earlier.

But then a trumpet summons comes from the nearby castle, the monster has been seen, and the head hunter sets out to wreak his vengeance.

The film is peppered with beautiful world-building details, such as the way the largely unseen inhabitants of the castle communicate with the head hunter - suggesting they are probably as scared of him as they are of the monsters they send him after.

The second half of the film deals with Dagg's confrontation with this final beast. He kills it and brings its head back to his home to mount it on his wall, but things don't go according to plan.

The Head Hunter (aka Viking Vengeance) demands a lot from its audience, but investment and observation are richly rewarded.

The set-up may seem slow, but writer-director Jordan Downey's script (co-written with Kevin Stewart) is incredibly tight, with measured pacing that sets-up and foreshadows every twist, right to the marvellously nihilistic ending.

Superficially, The Head Hunter may present itself as just another small Viking/sword-and-sorcery film, but it's really unlike anything else.

With its primary emphasis on the more mundane aspects of Dagg's brutal career, lack of expositional dialogue, and reliance on horror movie tropes when dealing with the final monster, The Head Hunter is quite unique.

From the costuming to the set-dressing, for such a low-budget flick, the mise en scène is incredible, creating a wholly believable world for Dagg to exist in, while the beautiful, unpopulated vistas that he travels through are pure fantasy RPG territory.

With its vivid dream-like nature, The Head Hunter is compelling, intriguing, exciting, and heart-breaking.

If you're willing to open yourself up to it, it's not a film you're going to quickly forget.

The Dark Tower (2017)

I've only read the first three of Stephen King's Dark Tower books - and that was many, many years ago (pre-stroke), so don't have particularly enduring memories of any of them beyond the first, The Gunslinger, which I have returned to a few times.

But I thought that lack of investment in the source material might be a benefit when coming to the cinematic adaptation, as I understood this was to be a 'different take' on the story, possibly a sequel or an alternate world view of the epic events of the multi-book mythology.

While I really liked the occasional Easter Egg nods to other works of Stephen King, what I wasn't expecting was a very generic, stereotypical teen adventure (with shades of The Mortal Instruments, The Neverending Story, Maze Runner, Hunger Games, and even the Star Wars Prequels with their demystifying of The Force through the introduction of midi-chlorians).

Jake Chambers (Tom Taylor) is a troubled New York kid, living with his mum (Viking's Katheryn Winnick) and douche-bag step-dad (Nicholas Pauling), but plagued with dreams of an otherworldly Dark Tower and an ongoing battle between the Man In Black (True Detective's Matthew McConaughey) and the last of the gunslingers, Roland (The Wire's Idris Elba).

Jake runs away from home, to find a house he dreamed of, which contains a portal to Mid-World - a post-apocalyptic world-between-worlds.

There he discovers that not only were his dreams real and that he is gifted with something called The Shine (the same psychic power as evidence by little Danny in The Shining), but also that the magic-using Man In Black aka Walter O'Dim believes Jake's powers are strong enough to topple The Dark Tower.

Teaming up with Roland, Jake also learns that the Dark Tower is keeping the Multiverse safe from the demonic hordes that live on the outside, and Walter wants to bring the tower down and welcome in these murderous creatures.

The story jumps from Mid-World to our world, place to place, with the brevity of a CW hour-long drama, and even as it stands, The Dark Tower clocks in at less than an hour and a half duration - a fine length for a trashy, direct-to-DVD movie, but way short for a modern Hollywood blockbuster.

Going from zero to hero in no time at all, Jake manages to master The Shine (quicker than Luke Skywalker masters The Force in the Original Trilogy), and then is handed one of Roland's hefty pistols and appears to be a crack shot with that as well (again, with no background in firearms and, you know, being a kid and all).

It's as though all The Dark Tower's character development moments were trimmed down, or cut out completely, leaving just a framework of action-driven set pieces featuring people we know (or care) little about.

Although incidental characters are killed off (with no lasting emotional impact on the main characters), Roland is frequently injured (but seems to shake it off within a scene or two), and Jake does get captured by Walter, there's no real sense of jeopardy and grand scale in the goings-on.

There are moments where the action is quite thrilling, and Roland's various bullet tricks are neat, but the story never really engages beyond a superficial level, even with such talented and charismatic leads as Elba and McConaughey.

This is not the opening salvo of an epic to rival Lord Of The Rings or Star Wars that we were promised.

I understand that Mike Flanagan is currently pushing on with plans to develop an (unrelated) The Dark Tower series for Amazon Prime Video, but there's generally been tumbleweed on the news front as far as that's concerned lately.

At least, horror maven Flanagan has opted for a reboot, presumably learning from the mistakes of this movie, and returning to the source material that's held in such high esteem by legions of Stephen King fans.