Reimagined Resident Evil Will Get Pulses Racing

From the mind of visionary filmmaker Zach Cregger (Weapons, Barbarian) comes a thrilling - and terrifying - reinvention of the Resident Evil franchise.

In an all-new story, Resident Evil follows Bryan (Austin Abrams), a medical courier who unwittingly finds himself in an action-packed, non-stop race for survival as one fateful, horrifying night collapses around him in chaos.

Resident Evil takes a bite out of cinema audiences from September 18. While still namechecking Raccoon City, this is clearly not your father's Resident Evil - there's no Milla Jovovich, for starters!

I suspect the saviour of Raccoon City will turn out to be Jimothy. Just putting it out there.

You Wait All Day For An Omnibus, Then Three Come Along

As we were talking about Afterlife With Archie the other day, it's worth pointing out that just in time for Halloween this year Oni Press - in collaboration with Archie Comics - is releasing a deluxe hardcover collection of all ten issues of the comic.

R.I.P. Riverdale! Once in a generation, a story so potent, so powerful, so horrifying rises from the grave to redefine the comics medium’s greatest icons.

Enter: The first-ever deluxe collection of Afterlife with Archie — collecting the totality of the groundbreaking, cemetery-shaking comics masterpiece from Harvey Award–winning writer Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa (Stephen King's The Stand: American Nightmare) and Eisner Award–winning artist Francesco Francavilla (Batman: The Black Mirror) that first introduced Riverdale’s teenage icons into a merciless world of ritual magic, undead terror, and survival at any cost!

When a tragic death befalls Jughead Jones’s closest companion, his grief drives him to the doorstep of Sabrina the Teenage Witch... and into the thrall of a dark magic that will soon turn the whole of Riverdale into a ravenous pack of undead zombies fueled by a desire for human flesh.

Hunted by the reanimated corpses of their friends and loved ones, can Archie, Betty, Veronica, and the rest of America's most beloved teenagers battle back by a legion of the dead... and live long enough to stop the entire world from being consumed by the same unholy hunger?

Pal vs. pal. Classmate vs. classmate. Living vs. dead. They swore to be friends until the end... but they never expected the end to look quite like this.

This definitive hardcover collection of the riveting and relentless milestone that the New York Times calls “gruesome [and] masterly” re-presents the entirety of the Afterlife with Archie saga — including the never-before-collected issues #6–10 — in an oversized format that also features a complete cover gallery and behind-the-scenes materials on the development of Archie Comics’ first all-out horror epic.

The Afterlife With Archie Deluxe Edition is scheduled to rise from the grave on October 27.

But that's not all, young adventurers, we also have a two volume collection of Marvel's original run of high-octane, pulp yarns involving the world's most famous archaeologist: Indiana Jones.

Both hardcover volumes are due to be dug up on September 29.

With Raiders being my all-time favourite movie and my enduring crush on Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen) also being no secret, you know this pair of eldritch tomes will be finding a way onto my shelves.

Each volume holds over 500 pages of Indy goodness from the '80s, featuring the work of such legends as John Byrne, Walt Simonson, Dennis O'Neill, Christopher Priest, David Michelinie and more.

At the height of the popularity of Indiana Jones in the 1980s, Marvel Comics - and some of the biggest creators of the era - took on the challenge of bringing the iconic hero from the silver screen to the printed page, and the results were every bit as exhilarating as you’d expect!

Now these action-packed adventures are being collected in a pair of volumes destined to be treasures worthy of Indy himself!

Volume one includes adaptations of Raiders of the Lost Ark and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, plus the first half of the Further Adventures of Indiana Jones series that expanded the character’s mythos in blockbuster fashion!

Volume one collects: Marvel Super Special (1977) #18, #30; Further Adventures of Indiana Jones (1983) #1-16

With clouds of war gathering ominously over Europe and a Great Depression gripping the world, one globe-trotting professor’s appetite for adventure and discovery remains unsated! Join Dr. Henry Jones as he scours the farthest corners of the planet in a constant race to keep priceless artifacts out of the wrong hands!

This volume collects the second half of the action-packed Further Adventures of Indiana Jones series alongside the official adaptation of beloved film Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - featuring work by some of the biggest talents of the 1980s.

Volume two collects: Further Adventures of Indiana Jones (1983) #17-34, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989) #1-4

Archie Injects New Life Into Live-Action Zombies

When Jughead's beloved pet Hot Dog is killed in a hit and run, Jughead turns to the only person he knows who can help bring back his canine companion — Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Using dark, forbidden magic, Sabrina is successful and Hot Dog returns to the land of the living. But he's not the same... and soon, the darkness he brings back with him from beyond the grave begins to spread, forcing Archie and the gang to try to escape Riverdale!

There are some who say the zombie has had its day as a horror antagonist and should be left to rot.

Thankfully Disney doesn't listen to such naysayers and has greenlit a live-action adaptation of one of the finest, modern zombie stories in decades: Afterlife With Archie.

It is scheduled to debut on Disney Plus in Autumn 2027, which seems like the right time of year.

The show is based on the comic book series from 2013 by Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa and Francesco Francavilla, with Aguirre-Sacasa acting as showrunner.

Not only was it an incredible horror comic, but Afterlife With Archie was also one of the strongest character-led comics of recent years.

Unfortunately, as well as generating great critical acclaim, fan adulation, and a reputation for the sheer brilliance of the story and its visuals, the comic is also remembered for never actually reaching a conclusion.

Of course, the tale had to have a Lovecraftian twist in it!

Much like Doctor Who, it was never officially cancelled, it's just been on an extended hiatus... resting (in peace).

Only the first 10 issues of Afterlife With Archie were published and while subsequent ones were solicitated they never actually appeared.

Ironically, this was largely because Aguirre-Sacasa's career in television took off, with Riverdale and Chilling Adventures of Sabrina.

Let's hope that several episodes into the new streaming show, Aguirre-Sacasa doesn't get distracted by another 'better offer'.

Rumour has that more issues of the comic are also now "on the way", but no dates have been announced, and we'll believe that when we see it.

Of course, if the show 'overtakes' the story being told in the comics, we do run the risk of another Game of Thrones crash-and-burn. But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Sorceress (1982)

In a rare break from tradition, the poster (also the DVD cover) for the Roger Corman-produced 1982 sword-and-sorcery flick Sorceress is actually surprisingly accurate.

All the characters pictured there - including the griffon/manticore creature, the ape-man, the snake and the fancy sword - really do appear in the story, to some degree or another.

However, it's been a long time since I've watched a movie that felt so much like its plot was being made up as it went along.

Evil sorcerer, and possible '70s sex cult leader, Traigon (Robert Ballesteros) has pledged to sacrifice his first born to the gods, in exchange for "great power". Only his wife gives birth to twin girls and refuses to reveal which was born first.

The realm's magical martial arts master Krona (Martin LaSalle) spirits the girls away, and leaves them in the care of trusted peasants, who raise them as boys!

Mira and Mara grow up to become Leigh and Lynette Harris, identical twin Playboy Playmates, who clearly weren't hired for their acting chops, but rather their willingness to disrobe when asked.

Honestly, they're young men... with breasts!

The girls - who think they are boys - are discovered skinny-dipping (of course!) by horny satyr Pando (David Milbern), the travelling companion of pseudo-Viking Baldar (Bruno Rey), who looks like he's stepped off the cover of a Dungeons & Dragons novel and spouts random Norse words as oaths.

Although Pando can only communicate through bleating and mime, he fails to tell Baldar that the girls are actually girls, so that when Baldar comes to them in the wake of their adopted parents' murder by Traigon's wandering warriors, he fails to see through their 'cunning disguise'.

Krona pops up again to dispense some words of wisdom, setting them all on a quest to defeat Traigon, before walking into the parents' pyre.

Arriving in the city, the adventurers meet an old friend of Baldar's, the pun-cracking, permed barbarian rogue, Erlick (Bob Nelson), who tags along to make up the numbers.

Casual nudity aside, there's a definite Dungeons & Dragons vibe to this yarn, as the core "party" expands, then fractures off into smaller units for side-quests, but it's also full of random fantasy names and verbiage that doesn't feel like world-building so much as obfuscation of the fragile main plot thread.

The Harris twins as Mira and Mara

Everything culminates in a grand fight in a crumbling temple - although there's a parallel, sub-surface dungeoncrawl by Baldar and one of the girls - which features explosions, duelling gods in the sky, and some pretty cool-looking zombie-mummy-ghouls that rise out of the ground to serve Traigon.

As the "two who are one", Mira and Mara share a psychic bond that is actually employed in the story, although it's most memorable use is during a 'comedy' sex scene that leads Baldar to initially think one of the women is being tortured.

Possibly because he is cosplaying as Sturm Brightblade from the Dragonlance Chronicles, Baldar, it has to be said, is the best character in the 83-minute movie, not only looking the part but also maintaining a heroic persona throughout.

For all its Corman-inspired cheapness, dodgy special effects, and musical score lifted from Battle Beyond The Stars, Sorceress does have an overall engaging look about it. As well as Baldar's 'authentic' costume, Traigon's forces all wear these (probably totally impractical) neat-looking beaked helmets, for instance.

Ultimately Sorceress (there is no 'sorceress' in this movie) isn't actually that bad, it just lacks a coherent story for its quirky characters to fully engage with, leaving much of what happens to come across as just a bit random.

The Draugr Has Arrived!

You didn't think I'd get all excited about the novelisation of the great horror movie, Draug, without wanting to pick up my own copy?

Well, here it is in all its glory. 

I can't wait to see how writer/director Klas Persson has brought his terrifying and atmospheric tale to the written page as Draugr: A Viking Folk-Horror Saga.

As happens, this 350-page paperback has leapt into second place on my "to be read" list, meaning once I've finished the brain-scrambling, cosmic horrors of Jean Ray's Cruise of Shadows then I'll be picking up Draugr and plunging into the dark creepy, Swedish forests of a thousand years ago.

For those wondering about the change in spelling: as far as I can figure it, Draugr is Old Norse whereas Draug is more modern, but both words mean 'stinking, superhumanly strong, vengeful, reanimated corpses'.

Anyway, I've got one final tale to go in the Cruise of Shadows anthology, The Mainz Psalter, the yarn covered on the Strange Studies of Strange Stories podcast several weeks ago that lured me in to the writings of Jean Ray.

As long as my sanity holds up, I hope to finish it this weekend. 

As well as the rulebook for Dragonbane, I also have some comics and magazines that 'need' reading, but I'm so delighted with this current spell of actually reading novels and anthologies that I want to keep it up. It feels like so long since I've had such a burst of reading.

And that makes me feel very positive (for a change).

TBR: My immediate "to be read" selection

Vikings Versus The Undead In New Film Novelisation

"Smartly scripted and dripping with local folklore, Draug dishes up some unexpected moments of deliberate laugh-out-loud humour in early scenes that soon give way to screaming, insanity and dying as the adventuring party plunges deeper in to the legendary forest of Ödmården."

- my review of Draug

The unnerving, low-budget, Swedish swords-and-sorcery/horror film Draug has transformed into a novel, Draugr: A Viking Folk-Horror Saga, by the film's writer/director Klas Persson.

Published last week, the 351-page paperback (which is also available in hardback or as an e-book) is available from Amazon.

Set around a millennia ago, this is Klas Persson's debut novel, telling the story of a group of warriors searching the wilderness for a lost missionary, but instead discover they are being hunted by a supernatural terror.

There was a time when the pagan gods clashed against the new religion of Christ.

There was a time when the seid crones performed heathen sorcery inside their dusty hovels.

There was a time when the dark beings of ancient horrors still stalked the night.

In Viking age Sweden, a missionary bishop goes missing somewhere deep inside Eyeskogamörk, a vast forest that made a natural border between the South and the still pagan North.

To find him, or his murderers, they send Hakon Grettirson—famed warrior and lord of Sigtuna.

With him, he brings his troubled foster daughter, Nanna. Born in the dark North and plagued with visions and dreams of her pagan past.

This is the first time any of them will have entered these dark parts since the harsh Christinization attempts made years earlier during the reign of Anund Jakob the Coalburner.

Inside the darkness of Eyskógamörk they will both encounter the demons of their past. But also an ancient evil, lurking in the shadows.

The aptrganga

The walking dead

The DRAUGR

Meanwhile, the film's soundtrack is available to stream on a variety of sources, to give you the right atmospheric reading backdrop.

Korean Zombies Are The Best Zombies!

Horror master Yeon Sang-ho (Train to Busan) directs a new Korean zombie thriller starring Gianna Jun and Koo Kyo-hwan.

Professor Se-jeong (Jun) is thrust into a bloody nightmare when a rapidly mutating virus is released during a biotech conference causing authorities to seal the facility.

Trapped inside with no escape, Se-jeong along with a small group of survivors must fight to stay alive while the infected undergo horrific transformations.

With a runtime of two hours and two minutes, Colony swarms into US and UK cinemas on August 28.

 

The Season Of The Witch (2011)

I'd been awaiting Season Of The Witch to drop onto DVD since I first saw trailers for it in 2011, as it looked to share the grim and gritty stylings of last year's Black Death (with Sean Bean), but with the added bonus of actual monsters for the knights to fight.

And it is like The Black Death - being set around the same time - and even has a whiff of The Name Of The Rose about it, yet despite this - and a reasonably stylish final conflict - there's no escaping the fact that Season Of The Witch is ultimately a very humdrum film.

It's not bad per se (if you like this sort of pseudo-Dungeons & Dragons, medieval adventure romp - which I do), it just could have been so much better.

At times it almost feels as though everyone is simply going through the motions to get the film wrapped up and finished so they can get on and do other things.

Nic Cage and Ron Perlman are a couple of disillusioned crusaders who desert the battle front after being ordered to slay women and children.

On their way home they stumble across a town in the grip of a virulent plague and are charged by the local Cardinal (Christopher Lee) with transporting a young girl (Claire Foy) to a remote monastery, where she can be tried for witchcraft and rituals performed to purge the disease from the land.

At first Nic doesn't believe she's a witch - despite demonstrations of her supernatural physical strength - but as the six-day cross-country journey progresses, and members of their party start being killed, he begins to change his mind.

However, it's not until the group of travellers reach the monastery that the truth of the situation is revealed.

There are some nice touches in Season Of The Witch, with the most important being the undermining of the typical cliché of this genre that the Church has been torturing an innocent girl (because it's not that straight forward and I rather wish more had been made of this during the progress of the story).

However the obstacles the group have to face along the way seem rather underwhelming, despite director Dominic Sena's attempts to up the stakes - the "rickety, old wooden bridge that looks like it won't support your weight" has been done to death (was anyone surprised that it fell apart AFTER they got across?) and what was with the pack of wolves that mysteriously transformed into slightly more aggressive wolves?

Ex-Misfit Robert Sheehan turns in a solid performance as the runaway choir boy who wants to be a knight, Ulrich Thomsen is superb as the grizzled, but reliable, man-at-arms and Stephen Campbell Moore is surprisingly good as the priest Debelzaq, who travels with them. Initially it is clear that we are supposed to see him as the enemy, but as the plot develops and he protects the witch from a summary execution, you realise that he truly believes in justice and not just simple vengeance.

However, it's Cage and Perlman - names I usually associate with memorable performances - that are phoning it in for most of the movie's 90 minutes. And the monsters (even the zombie monks) were rather a case of too little, too late.

The Originals Were Great, The Remakes Even Better!

For this video, I had to leave out some very solid options, including 2013's Evil Dead, 2006's The Hills Have Eyes, and 2004's Dawn of the Dead. But five means five, so today I’m saving the remakes that, for me, really proved why the story was worth telling again.

In this video from Luminism, five remakes of old horror movies are chosen as the superior versions!

Horror Movies and The Mandela Effect

A New Breed Of Zombies Is Shambling In From Korea

Horror master Yeon Sang-ho (Train to Busan) directs a new Korean zombie thriller starring Gianna Jun and Koo Kyo-hwan.

Professor Se-jeong (Jun) is thrust into a bloody nightmare when a rapidly mutating virus is released during a biotech conference causing authorities to seal the facility. Trapped inside with no escape, Se-jeong along with a small group of survivors must fight to stay alive while the infected undergo horrific transformations.

Colony (aka Gunche) is directed by Yeon Sang-ho, the man who brought us the epic Train to Busan, one of the definitive zombie flicks of the modern age.

This great-looking, two-hour long, new Korean-language zombie flick opens in American cinemas on August 28.

Most Definitely Not Milla Jovovich's Resident Evil

From the mind of visionary filmmaker Zach Cregger (Weapons, Barbarian) comes a thrilling - and terrifying - reinvention of the Resident Evil franchise.

In an all-new story, Resident Evil follows Bryan (Austin Abrams), a medical courier who unwittingly finds himself in an action-packed, non-stop race for survival as one fateful, horrifying night collapses around him in chaos.

Sleeping Beauty (2014)

Years before they became a byword for cheap, blockbuster cash-ins (i.e. mockbusters), the first movie I discovered by The Asylum was a fantasy film (simply called Dragon, I believe) in the discount aisle of Woolworths in Tonbridge (which shows just how long ago it was).

Since then I have remained firm in my belief that although they're not exactly known for quality productions, The Asylum is at its best when working in the fantasy genre.

That said, Sleeping Beauty isn't up to the pulpy, B-movie calibre of, say, an Arrowstorm film, but it still has its moments.

Directed by Casper Van Dien, who also appears as King David alongside his wife, Catherine Oxenberg as Queen Violet and his daughter Grace Van Dien as Princess Dawn aka Sleeping Beauty, the film is a liberal reworking of the fairy tale that starts in Disney territory then caroms off into its own little world.

To complete the family atmosphere on set, Maya Van Dien (daughter of both Casper Van Dien and Catherine Oxenberg) appears as a totally random addition to the story - a young girl called Newt (Aliens, much?) who has survived inside the enchanted castle and gives aid to Princess Dawn's rescuers.

Events initially unfold as they do in Disney's Sleeping Beauty cartoon, with the Three Good Fairies bestowing gifts upon the newborn Princess Dawn (although the guards' ill-fitting helmets and the treasure chests that look like cardboard boxes give away that this isn't the Disney version).

But then busty, yummy-mummy, evil witch queen Tambria (Olivia d'Abo) - whose invite got lost in the post - turns up and zaps Dawn with the familiar curse, then proceeds to blow up the good fairies.

In The Asylum's version, Dawn is raised alone in a castle tower, educated by her parents, and kept away from spinning wheel needles (several on-the-nose double entendres involving the word 'prick' got my hopes up this was going to be a wittily-scripted comedy; it's not), until just before her 16th birthday. And what do you know? She only gets tricked by Tambria into pricking her finger and falling asleep (taking the whole kingdom down with her).

A century passes and in a neighbouring kingdom, a servant called Barrow (Game Of Thrones' Finn Jones) discovers fragments of a map and a message leading to the cursed castle. Now, I'm not sure exactly who wrote this as Princess Dawn (as is suggested) is, of course, in a magical sleep.

I presumed it was actually an elaborate trap set out by Tambria - who has also been trapped inside the castle and unable to harm her slumbering nemesis - but this is never made clear.

Barrow's master is the obnoxious, privileged, bullying Tory-boy Prince Jayson (Edward Lewis French), who, learning of Barrow's discovery, decides to lead his coterie of yobbish mates on a jolly wheeze to rescue the treasure in Sleeping Beauty's castle and claim that kingdom for his own.

Again, it's never exactly clear how much this neighbouring territory knows about the curse on King David's land or the power of the wicked sorceress Tambria who now rules (kind of) there.

Given that it's just "over the mountain" from Jayson's realm, the general knowledge of the whole "asleep for a century" scenario seems rather vague.

Of course, Tambria isn't going to make things easy and throws a scaly pliosaur, a giant lizardman, a legion of shadowy wraiths and a never-ending army of zombies at the adventuring party that's coming for the treasure (and maybe the chance to snog a sleeping 115-year-old princess).

A particularly wonderful aspect about Jayson's loathsome cronies is, given that they are supposed to be trained fighters, just how cowardly they are. Their go-to tactic when confronted by any monster is "run away, run away".

The only one who shows the slightest bit of decency towards Barrow, and some backbone, is Gruner (Gil Kolirin) - who may be a commander or captain or something in Jayson's army, again it's not very clear.

The adventuring party gradually gets whittled down as they wander, seemingly aimlessly, around the same sections of castle and overgrown garden, until the final confrontation with Tambria.

By this time, Jayson has switched sides (or is he bluffing?), Newt has popped up and disappeared in a cloud of cryptic warnings several times, and Gruner and Barrow have bonded.

I'm not entirely sure who Sleeping Beauty is aimed at as there's some gore (Tambria pulling the head off of someone and dragging out their spine comes to mind) and an uncomfortable, rape-threat moment where a couple of brothers in Jayson's gang discover a magically sleeping servant woman in the castle kitchens. Thankfully Barrow steps in before that goes too far.

There's certainly an attempt at a Dungeons & Dragons vibe in the latter stages of this movie (torch-lit exploration, traps etc), but despite constant references to Barrow's map, there's never any real feeling that the adventurers are navigating a convincing, contiguous environment.

One minute they are stuck on one side of a lake, the next there's a bridge; they talk about going to certain places, but are next seen elsewhere.

This also isn't some hallucinogenic, dreamscape either, but simply a combination of poor directing, editing and scriptwriting.

The low-budget monsters aren't too bad though; the giant lizardman (despite being a cheap CGI creation) is quite interesting and the various undead have the added bonus that Tambria keeps resurrecting them every time they get nobbled.

As well as the many, many plot holes in the story (some of which I've alluded to above), more often than not the dialogue is delivered in quite mannered ways; now I'm not sure if this is director Van Dien trying to create a "fantasy Medieval" ambience but it doesn't really work.

Budgetary limitations abound in this version of Sleeping Beauty (there's no big dragon showdown at the end, for instance) - both in the effects and script - but it's an okay way to pass 90 minutes, if there isn't anything better on TV.

MUSICAL MONDAY: Deathstalker (Brendan McCreary, Chuck Cirino, Slash, and Bear McCreary)

The ’80s cult classic Deathstalker is back in an amped-up, reverential reboot, courtesy of writer-director Steven Kostanski (Frankie Freako, Psycho Goreman) and executive producer Slash (Guns N' Roses).

The film features a stellar, rousing, equally tributary title track from Emmy and BAFTA Award–winning composer Bear McCreary (The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power, The Walking Dead) and Slash.

Ator The Fighting Eagle (1982)

"During the childhood of mankind, while some colonies have only just discovered fire, others are already using technology, Inventor Akron discovers the 'radiating matter' which can be used to make earth a paradise or a hell. Soran, a strayed former pupil of Akron, steals his invention. Akron sends out his daughter to fetch the invincible Ator to fight Soran..."

-- so reads the descriptive blurb on the back of my DVD of Ator The Fighting Eagle. Only that's not the plot of Ator at all! But then the poster shown above is also rather misleading as Ator never uses a three-headed flail and his animal companion is a cute bear cub - not a sabretooth tiger!

This (unintentionally?) hilarious, cheesetastic film has Ator (Miles O'Keefe) on a mission to rescue his new bride, Sunya (Ritza Brown) - who he had believed was his sister until the moment his 'parents' gave their blessing to his wedding plans - from the Temple Of The Spider.

A mockbuster years before The Asylum made it an artform and released to cash in on the original Conan movie, Ator has a by-the-numbers, Joseph Campbell "hero's journey"/Star Wars storyline.

The titular protagonist even picks up an Obi-Wan-style mentor, Griba (Edmund Purdom), and a money-driven Han Solo-ish female rogue Roon (Sabrina Siani) along the way to help him blow up the Death Star... er... destroy The Temple Of The Spider.

It's all tied-in to a very long - and highly detailed - prophecy about how Ator's true father, the legendary Tauren, was doomed in his quest to defeat the Spider Cult and so the destiny has passed to his son, Ator.

The main problem is Ator is rather a rubbish hero - frequently bested in combat, gullible and, frankly, not the sharpest tool in the box - he is constantly being rescued by Roon and the cute bear cub.

The fights are joyously lacklustre, which only adds to the humour, and a couple of times Ator simply abandons Roon during a fight when his attention is distracted by something else.

He only appears to be able to beat people if he catches them by surprise - or has an incredibly powerful magic shield of zapping to hand!

Couple this with stilted and corny dialogue, some wonderfully WTF "monsters" (the walking dead that simply disappear, the blind warriors, the shadow demon, the shapechanging sorceress, the giant spider etc) and all the elements combine to make Ator The Fighting Eagle an incredibly entertaining - and amusing -  way to waste 90 minutes of your life.

That said, as Italian swords-and-sorcery films go, it's head and shoulders above Conquest, the scenery is surprisingly interesting - with strange statues dotted around the landscape - and some of the 'encounter' ideas aren't half-bad.

DEATHSTALKER WEEK: Deathstalker IV - Match Of Titans (1991)

Right from the opening monologue, Deathstalker IV: Match Of Titans sets itself up as a sequel to the original film (reinforcing this with frequent use of recycled clips from the earlier film and the return of Rick Hill, the first, and best, of the original Deathstalkers).

Although Rick is back as Stalker, the years have mellowed him since the hijinks of the first movie, and he appears to have mislaid The Sword Of Justice. Apparently, in the confusion of an earlier battle (actually a mixture of footage from Deathstalker I and III), he ended up with a friend's sword and the friend ended up with the Sword Of Justice. D'oh!

In the process of tracking his friend down, he stumbles across a couple of women being attacked by beastmen and although one of the women dies, her hotter sister - the Kim Cattrall-alike Dionara (Maria Ford) - survives.

The beastpeople of this realm look like ordinary folk but with lion/bear/pig masks (which, of course, is what they are) - but the implication is that these are their true - if unconvincing - faces.

Dionara explains that they were heading to the castle of the sorceress Kana (Michelle Moffett) to take part in a tournament of champions for an unspecified prize (it's never actually revealed why any of the "best warriors within 200 miles" are taking part in this event).

Lion-people, bear-people and pig-people, oh my!

Not only recycling footage (the man being dragged headfirst into a tree and the riotous party where the pig-man pulls someone's arm off both appear for the third time in the quadrilogy), Match Of Titans is a retread of familiar plot-ground from the first Deathstalker.

Unsurprisingly, Dionara eventually reveals herself to Deathstalker as a princess (as well as simply revealing herself) and the rightful ruler of the castle and kingdom that Kana has usurped.

It also comes as no surprise that Kana is using the tournament to eliminate all her potential competition (except, of course, all the other evil sorcerers!), by drugging them individually and then using her magic to transform them into unstoppable "stone zombies".

Written and directed this time by Howard R Cohen, Match Of Titans sees a return to the lasciviousness of the original - the castle comes complete with a lesbian romper room and magical CCTV for the use of Kana and her henchmen to ogle various bodies.

Conveniently, Stalker finds The Sword Of Justice hanging in the basement of Kana's castle - because apparently she has been "unable to unlock its magical power" - just in time for the inevitable showdown where the wicked sorceress gets her deserved comeuppance.

While Match Of Titans doesn't quite measure up to the 'superlative' standards set by the original Deathstalker movie, it's certainly better than the previous two, even if Rick Hill's Deathstalker is a slightly nicer guy here, exhibiting more of the cockiness from Deathstalker III and less of the brazen indifference from the original.

DEATHSTALKER WEEK: Deathstalker III - The Warriors From Hell (1989)

Third Deathstalker film in three days and third actor portraying the lead character, but at least we have the original scriptwriter back, so Deathstalker III: The Warriors From Hell should be up there with the first Deathstalker, right?

Sadly, wrong. Although a lot better than yesterday's Deathstalker II and thankfully the new lead, John Allen Nelson, can tell the difference between being cocky and being a dick, this is very pedestrian fare totally devoid of the gonzo insanity that made the first the classic that it is.

The DVD case even, amusingly, features stills of Rick Hill (the original Deathstalker) and Bernard Erhard (Munkar the wizard from the original movie), even though neither have anything to do with The Warriors From Hell (more's the pity).

Gifted with part of a magic crystal by a dying princess, Deathstalker learns that when the three parts are reunited they reveal the location of Erendor, a "lost city made of treasure" (no, I'm not exactly sure what is meant by that - and when we finally see the city at the end it just looks like an everyday, cod-Medieval town).

Complicating matters, the evil sorcerer Troxartes (Thom Christopher) has taken over the princesses' kingdom, The Southland, and is ruling it with his platonic mistress, Camisarde (Terri Treas). She wants to take their relationship to the next level, but the cool wizard has his eyes set on the dead princesses' twin sister, Carissa (Carla Herd), who he believes has part of the magic crystal that will pair up with his own fragment.

On his quest, Deathstalker is kinda helped by a beardy - but ultimately rather useless - wizard called Nicias (Aarón Hernán), who bears a disturbing likeness to Alan Moore and whose main magical ability appears to be a vanishing trick that involves him spinning round and round in his large fur coat.

Meanwhile, Troxartes has been using his own magic to resurrect warriors he claims he killed and then, for some reason, had buried in the castle crypt. Before you can cough "bullshit", Deathstalker is chatting with one of these faux-zombies about how he actually killed the warrior the first time.

Whiny Carissa swaps sides more often than Adric in Doctor Who and only, finally, decides that Deathstalker is on the side of right when she overhears Troxartes discussing her murder with Camisarde - who, it has to be added, appears to have a total, unexplained, change of heart by the time the credits roll and is last seen snuggling up to Nicias.

Deathstalker also finds time to hook up with valley-living, potato-eating, horse-raising, wild woman Marinda (Claudia Inchaurregui) who brings her bow skills to the party and ultimately has a "meaningful" death, which everyone soon forgets about.

The story gets a bit messy along the way, when a third fragment of the crystal appears out of the blue.

In the end everything boils down to a big brawl at Troxartes' castle with Deathstalker being backed-up by the zombie-warriors (after he frees their souls from bondage) and a bunch of villagers who, I thought, had nothing to do with anything, against the wizard's bucket-helmeted soldiers.

DEATHSTALKER WEEK: Deathstalker II - Duel Of The Titans (1987)

Having exploded at the end of the original movie, Deathstalker has regenerated into a younger man for Deathstalker II - Duel Of The Titans. Or it's a prequel. Or, most likely, no-one really cared.

One of the things that made the original Deathstalker so great was that it was played straight so the sequel's ham-fisted attempt to turn the franchise into an action-comedy, buddy movie was a serious step in the wrong direction.

Whereas before you were laughing because it was so awesomely bad that it was brilliant, here you find yourself groaning at the pathetic, laboured one-liners, squirming at the bad acting and virtually seething at the "humorous" anachronisms (e.g. the wrestling ring... and yes, there is still a car parked outside the barbarian camp).

To make matters worse, Deathstalker II even blatantly recycles a number of scenes from the original movie that don't add anything to story - and having only rewatched Deathstalker yesterday really stick out.

This time round Deathstalker (John Terlesky - with a permanent cheesy grin and finely coiffured hair) teams up with Reena The Seer (Monique Gabrielle) - whose inability to act convincingly is only saved by her willingness to disrobe - to save the kingdom from the evil sorcerer Jerak (John Lazar) and his hench-woman Sultana (yes, that really is her name), played by Tori Naples.

A swordsman as well as a sorcerer, Jerak - who with white hair and pink eyes would make a pretty decent Elric - has 'cloned' Reena (who is really Princess Evie) and has his puppet princess on the throne, only she needs to consume human flesh to stay corporeal (which is possibly the most interesting aspect of Neil Ruttenberg's dire script).

Along the way our dumb-ass heroes outwit a bunch of assassins, encounter a graveyard full of the least effective zombies in movie history, and team up with an army of busty Amazons led by the rather delicious Maria Socas (also known as Naja the Sorceress in The Warrior And The Sorceress).

Even though Stalker - who, let's be honest, is a total tool in this movie - appears to be using The Sword Of Justice and we see a pair of the pig-men (orcs?), as well as shots of the original, Deathstalker II really has no connection (bar the lead character's name) to the earlier classic of trash cinema.

Even the flesh and gore quota is markedly down in this half-hearted affair.

Let's hope things improve for tomorrow's Deathstalker III: The Warriors from Hell, which is where we enter unknown territory.

Admittedly I haven't seen Deathstalker II since I was at university and had blissfully blanked its awfulness from my mind (except for the car parked outside the Amazons' camp), but the final two 'official' movies in the original Deathstalker quadrilogy are totally unknown quantities.

"Our Future Death Is Hunting Us!"

A misfit group of unwitting high school students stumble upon a cursed object, an ancient Aztec Death Whistle. They discover that blowing the whistle and the terrifying sound it emits will summon their future deaths to hunt them down. As the body count rises, the friends investigate the origins of the deadly artifact in a desperate effort to stop the horrifying chain of events that they have set in motion.

Cursed magic items are like catnip to me when they crop up in horror movies like this, because of the possibility of 'translating' them into treasure items for Dungeons and Dragons-style roleplaying games..

Starring Logan's Dafne Keen and Shaun of The Dead's Nick Frost, Whistle has a great pedigree and is due in cinemas on February 6.

Black Friday! (2021)

It's the dreaded Black Friday at We Love Toys and the work force are not looking forward to the hordes of shoppers about to pour in, seeking those "once in a lifetime" bargains.

However, what makes matters worse this year is a meteor shower bringing an alien virus that turns the infected into hideous, angry, monsters seeking to both 'spread the love' and construct a 'nest' for each of the initial meteors to achieve their "final form".

Black Friday! is a fun blend of rage zombie horror, Lovecraftian alien invasion, kaiju action, The Blob, Clerks, and old Quatermass movies.

Leaning into its weird fiction inspirations not everything mentioned in the story is explained, adding to the occasionally unnerving strangeness of what the extra-terrestrial entities are up to and what their ultimate objective may be.

There's plenty of body horror in Black Friday!, with the practical make-up effects on the transformed infected being particularly striking as they evolve into piranha-toothed ghouls, oddly reminiscent of the beast in The Unnameable duology 

Written by Andy Greskoviak and directed by Casey Tebo, the 84-minute flick is a runaway train that doesn't hang around, getting to the meat of its set-up almost immediately and not wasting any time establishing deep backstories for the central characters (these are filled in during the unfolding chaos).

While the film is a satire of corporate America, it is  primarily an apocalyptic splatterfest romp that doesn't take itself at all seriously.

If you're looking for a "people trapped in a store during the end of the world" film, but aren't in the mood for the heart-breaking buzzkill of The Mist, then you could do worse than check out the more light-hearted Black Friday!

Bruce Campbell is in there as the store manager, playing a bigger role than I expected but still a supporting character, while the leads are Final Destination/Chucky's Devon Sawa, Super 8's Ryan Lee, and Pan's Labyrinth's Ivana Baquero, as three undervalued workers in the soulless toy store.

Other familiar faces that pop up include Michael Jai White, while Seth Green provides the voice of a malfunctioning animatronic bear (who might just be a parody of Ted).