MUSICAL MONDAY: The Mandalorian and Grogu (Boys Noize Remix)

Black Angel (1980)

A knight finds his village destroyed and abandoned.

He tries to track the attackers down and avenge his family, but almost drowns.

A maiden, prisoner of the Black Knight, saves him, so he vows to free her, even though she warns him not to.

Roger Christian’s legendary short film (above), a remake of which, that would expand Black Angel into a feature length fantasy epic, has now been in development since 2015 .

I last shared this online in 2019 (it's a favourite of Philip Reeve and he recommended it to me), but there have, sadly, been no updates on this crowdfunded labour of love since 2022. Much to the chagrin of the project's backers (check the recent comments on the IndieGoGo page).

THIS IS THE WAY... TO THE SILVER SCREEN

Move Over Frieren Friday, We're Heading To Maul Monday

Ator The Fighting Eagle (1982)

"During the childhood of mankind, while some colonies have only just discovered fire, others are already using technology, Inventor Akron discovers the 'radiating matter' which can be used to make earth a paradise or a hell. Soran, a strayed former pupil of Akron, steals his invention. Akron sends out his daughter to fetch the invincible Ator to fight Soran..."

-- so reads the descriptive blurb on the back of my DVD of Ator The Fighting Eagle. Only that's not the plot of Ator at all! But then the poster shown above is also rather misleading as Ator never uses a three-headed flail and his animal companion is a cute bear cub - not a sabretooth tiger!

This (unintentionally?) hilarious, cheesetastic film has Ator (Miles O'Keefe) on a mission to rescue his new bride, Sunya (Ritza Brown) - who he had believed was his sister until the moment his 'parents' gave their blessing to his wedding plans - from the Temple Of The Spider.

A mockbuster years before The Asylum made it an artform and released to cash in on the original Conan movie, Ator has a by-the-numbers, Joseph Campbell "hero's journey"/Star Wars storyline.

The titular protagonist even picks up an Obi-Wan-style mentor, Griba (Edmund Purdom), and a money-driven Han Solo-ish female rogue Roon (Sabrina Siani) along the way to help him blow up the Death Star... er... destroy The Temple Of The Spider.

It's all tied-in to a very long - and highly detailed - prophecy about how Ator's true father, the legendary Tauren, was doomed in his quest to defeat the Spider Cult and so the destiny has passed to his son, Ator.

The main problem is Ator is rather a rubbish hero - frequently bested in combat, gullible and, frankly, not the sharpest tool in the box - he is constantly being rescued by Roon and the cute bear cub.

The fights are joyously lacklustre, which only adds to the humour, and a couple of times Ator simply abandons Roon during a fight when his attention is distracted by something else.

He only appears to be able to beat people if he catches them by surprise - or has an incredibly powerful magic shield of zapping to hand!

Couple this with stilted and corny dialogue, some wonderfully WTF "monsters" (the walking dead that simply disappear, the blind warriors, the shadow demon, the shapechanging sorceress, the giant spider etc) and all the elements combine to make Ator The Fighting Eagle an incredibly entertaining - and amusing -  way to waste 90 minutes of your life.

That said, as Italian swords-and-sorcery films go, it's head and shoulders above Conquest, the scenery is surprisingly interesting - with strange statues dotted around the landscape - and some of the 'encounter' ideas aren't half-bad.

Conquest (1983)

Let's get one thing straight from the start, I'm no fan of Italian Giallo cinema, but I felt I owed it to myself to sample "godfather of gore" Lucio Fulci's one stab at the sword & sorcery genre - Conquest.

Sadly, it's as dreadful, rambling and poorly constructed as any Italian horror movie I've seen with a nonsensical story, cheap and cheesy effects, awful cinematography (if the picture doesn't look like it was shot through a fine net curtain, or is obscured by near-constant mist, it's probably too dark to see anything clearly) and a disappointing lack of notable casual nudity (even if the central, mask-wearing villainess Ocron is topless every time she appears on screen).

What passes for a story in Conquest is the narrative equivalent of a sandbox Dungeons & Dragons campaign. Our two "heroes" - whiny, Luke Skywalker-esque (circa A New Hope) Ilias (Andrea Occjipinti), armed with his magic bow, and surly rogue Mace (George Rivero) - wander around a mist-enshrouded land having random, often inexplicable, encounters and fighting monsters.

They are supposedly fighting evil, but are also seen simply killing a random person to steal his food!

Evil, brain-eating witch Ocron (Sabrina Sellers) has a vision that Ilias is going to kill her and so dispatches her legions of wolf-men/dog-soldiers and other masked minions to capture him.

Of course, he doesn't know who she is and only decides to go after her once her soldiers have slaughtered the tribe of very accommodating cave people that Ilias and Mace have been staying with.

I'll admit there was a surprising twist in the plot towards the end, but even that took its own bizarre turn that was never explained or returned to - much like Mace's sudden ability to teleport (unless that was the magic bow!)

Ridiculous, stupid, illogical and, at times, tedious, Conquest is a hard slog to get through and thankfully only lasts about 88 minutes.

Crime Lords & Laser Swords: The Welcome Return of Maul

The Problem with Coruscant (Planet Cities Explained)

What happens when a city never ends? No farmland. No oceans. Just a planet-wide urban machine — towers stacked 5,000 levels deep.

This video explores the ecumenopolis, a concept from the 1960s by Constantinos Doxiadis, who believed humanity might urbanize the entire Earth.

Through Coruscant (Star Wars) and Trantor (Asimov’s Foundation) — fully urban planets with over a trillion inhabitants — we ask: is a planet-city truly possible, or destined to collapse?

We break down Coruscant’s layers — from the political Emergent Level, to the criminal Underworld, to heat-choked machine tiers — exposing the brutal logistics of feeding, cooling, powering, and moving a civilization with zero nature.

Doxiadis imagined a fractal, human-scaled ecumenopolis, grown through Ekistics, with walking-distance cores and protected green lungs.

So — could a planet-city work through flexibility over control?

Or would it, like Rome, collapse the moment the grain stops flowing?

Since it was first introduced into Star Wars lore, I've always been fascinated by the idea of Coruscant.

It was even the name of the head table at our wedding, where all the tables were named after Star Wars planets.

DEATHSTALKER WEEK: Barbarian - The Last Great Warrior King (2003)

A strange one this, although you'd expect nothing less coming from the stable of Roger Corman.

The 2003 movie Barbarian (with its totally meaningless subtitle of The Last Great Warrior King) attempts to be both a remake of, and a sequel to, the original Deathstalker (although without mentioning the name Deathstalker at all).

The protagonist of this 90-minute oddity is not only trying to retrieve the same three magic items as Deathstalker did (the Sword of Justice, the Amulet of Life and the Chalice of Magic), but is also facing a villainous wizard of the same name, Munkar, who has - once again - organised a tournament to find the best warrior in the land.

The faux Deathstalker here is the most-well groomed barbarian in cinematic history Kane (former Mr Universe and American Gladiator Michael O'Hearn), a love 'em-and-leave 'em wandering rogue who - for some inexplicable reason - gets drawn into saving the princess (Irina Grigoryeva) and restoring her father King Kandor (Yuri Petrov) to the throne after he was usurped by Munkar (Martin Kove of Cobra Kai, Karate Kid and Cagney & Lacey fame).

However what makes Barbarian its own, bizarre, entity is the introduction of Kane's sidekick, Wooby (Yuri Danilchenko), a cross between an ewok and a child in a rubbish Cowardly Lion Halloween costume, who squeaks and wobbles his way through the plot until the movie's climax, where he disappears and is never heard from again.

A bevvy of Ukrainian lovelies add the eye-candy and random topless moments, although as well as recycling the plot of Deathstalker, Barbarian also digs up vast tracts of old footage from the original film - mostly around the all-important banquet/orgy scene where not only does the Pig-Man appear once again but we also get the strange sight of the true Deathstalker (Rick Hill) watching the events unfold from the side-lines as well as a return appearance by Codille (Barbi Benton)!

However, this is even more surreal as an opening exposition flashback suggests that the events of Barbarian take place generations after Deathstalker - the "timeline" is even broken up with images of Roman soldiers - although there is never any suggestion that Barbarian is supposed to take place on our world!

For all this random weirdness, lacklustre dialogue and variable fight choreography, Barbarian still stands head-and-shoulders above Deathstalker II - Duel Of The Titans and that's even factoring in Wooby, who I'd heard was on a par with Jar-Jar Binks.

I'd take Wooby any time over Jar-Jar, at least he has some uses (he knows healing magic and is probably quite warm for those long, cold nights out in the wilderness).

"We Are Gathered Here Today To Geek Out!"

Me with The Real Kent Ghostbusters at Geek Mania in Tonbridge

Today Rachel and I attended the first Geek Mania show (convention? gathering?) at the Angel Centre, Tonbridge, and it was magnificent.

There were stalls selling books, games, artwork, badges, dice, LARPing gear, and trading cards (so many cards), as well as participation tables for 5e Dungeons & Dragons, various shades of Warhammer, card games (so many cards), Beyblades, figure painting, a lightsaber training academy, and probably other things I missed.

A selection of the amazing props brought along by The Real Kent Ghostbusters

Rachel and I posing with Slimer

I'd really hoped to get Rachel into an "introduction to Dungeons & Dragons" session, but we were there around 11.30 and the tables had proved so popular that the first available slot was 2.30pm... and it was unlikely we'd still be around then (as I have limited reserves of stamina).

The participation tables were packed from the moment we arrived, and just got busier

These were the lightsaber tutors, but they mainly ran classes for younglings through the day

The vibe of the whole show was very welcoming and everyone we spoke to was incredibly friendly, delighted we were there, and happy to talk about whatever geeky niche was their forte.

There were cosplayers - always happy to pose for pictures - and LARPers, with a vast selection of costumes, masks, and boffer weapons for sale. 

I achieved a lifelong ambition and purchased my first pair of elf ears! 

Incredible array of costuming and weaponry from Gem's Trading Company 

"You've made an old man very happy," I told the lady who sold me these ears!!!

I strongly suspect I was one of - if not the - oldest people there (knocking on the door to sixty this year), but it didn't matter. There was a youthful, positive atmosphere that I hope translated into cash in the pockets of the organisers so that this will become a regular event.

Geek Mania was the brainchild of Planet JJs Geekery, which, in very real terms, is close to being at the bottom of our road (although too far for me to walk there and back, sadly).

I really must try and get signed up for regular RPG events at the store, which I have to confess we've only actually been in once. Rachel is supportively offering to be my taxi to and from the store if I join their "club".

I also believe that Geek Mania being organised locally is a massive plus for the future of the show, as there's an automatic community investment here.

Either side of the Pandemic, there were several attempts to make "comic-cons" a thing at the Angel Centre, but they never really took off.

Run by travelling groups who organise such events around the country, there was no great incentive to come back if they didn't rake in the cash they had been hoping for at the first attempt.

That said, Geek Mania was definitely busier than any of the "comic-cons" I've attended at the Angel Centre over the years.

Overall, Rachel and I stayed for about an hour-and-a-half, which wasn't too bad by my usual variable health standards, only having to have a single sit down and cookie break.

Even though Pokémon is an alien language to me and seemed to dominate every other stall, I still managed to pick up some mighty treasures (as well as my ears) from the traders:

My Geek Mania haul

My first purchase of the day was a He-Man Funko Pop (because, like dice, you can never have too many Pops). Sadly, they were all out of Frieren-related Pops.

I was excited to find a couple of boxes of old 60s/70s pulp sci-fi anthology magazines on the floor of a bookseller's stall.

She very kindly picked them up and put them on the table so I could sort through them properly.

My main guiding principle here was looking for authors that Michael K Vaughan had mentioned on his Booktube channel, so that it appeared as though I knew what I was doing.

And finally I bought a cute little pocket zine from local artist Katherine Burgess, whose style and obvious talent made me wish I was producing a game - or a supplement - so I could hire her to illustrate it.

"Tonbridge. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."

He-Man's Cinematic Adventures To Continue In New Comics

Tying in to the film I'm most interested in seeing at the cinema this summer, Masters of The Universe, Dark Horse Comics is launching a four-issue miniseries, The Wings of Fate, that is scheduled to drop in the week following the movie's debut.

Masters of The Universe is currently scheduled to open in the States on June 5 with the first issue of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe: The Wings of Fate coming on June 10.

In the aftermath of Skeletor’s siege on Eternos, a down-and-out refugee gives sanctuary to a mysterious, injured falcon. Now, to save her life, he must embark upon a perilous journey through the Mystic Mountains and seek aid from the storied inhabitants of the realm of Avion.

The Wings of Fate, which is set in the movie universe, is written by Tim Sheridan (Masters of the Universe: Revolution), illustrated by Will Sliney (Star Wars: The Rise of Kylo Ren), coloured by Israel Silva, and lettered by AndWorld Design.

EPISODE THREE: "Curse Your Sudden But Inevitable Betrayal!"

Pete modelling this year's bold shirt choice for turning the tables on our player-characters

After their successful treasure hunt last time, our heroes - Buck (my explorer), Freya (Clare's photojournalist), Dick (Kevin's former G-man), and Onyx (Mark's aviatrix) - are gathered in the ornate office of their paymaster, Professor Kasper Wieloch.

We are in Austria, in a very stately home on the banks of Lake Wolfgang (which is a real lake).

The professor was delighted that we'd found the cypher and shares with us a copy of the document he believes is the necessary element to crack it and find the co-ordinates of the lost island of Atlantis.

It's a word puzzle that eventually Onyx and Freya solve, allowing Kasper to correctly jiggle the dials on the ancient cypher we'd brought back from Greenland, revealing to him just what he wanted to know.

[Of course, we - as players - had seen massive red flags, since the start of this session, about this gathering, This started with Pete setting up miniatures on the table to show where we all were for what should have been a simple debriefing. Secondly, he dropped in that we'd all been made to surrender our weapons - by the professor's staff - on the way in, much to Mark/Onyx's chagrin].

Wieloch's lakeside mansion

Wieloch's understated office

With a manic grin on his face, Wieloch shrugged off his lab coat to reveal a Nazi uniform underneath as he spoke into a microphone on the desk - dictating the co-ordinates.

Behind us, his butler, Hans (who Onyx had failed to seduce to persuade him to fetch her weapon back) drew a pistol, as doors on both sides of the room swung open and eight Nazi thugs burst into the room, pointing guns at us.

Buck charged the nearest thug to him, barrelling him over and subsequently hoisting him up and using his body as a shield to absorb the bullets fired in his direction. He then threw the corpse at two of the others, bringing them down and dived at the final minion on his side of the room and engaged him in a drawn-out slugfest.

Professor Kasper Wieloch (left) and Hans The Butler

Onyx dived over Wieloch's desk and proceeded to stick her fingers in his eyes, in an attempt to blind him and bring him to heel. Unfortunately their bloody tussle ended with the Nazi scientist staggering blindly out of one of the doors and clattering down stairs to find the rest of his men.

Freya and Dick took on the other four Nazis - as well as Hans the nefarious butler - in a surprisingly one-sided fight, as the thugs seemed as accurate in their shooting as Star Wars stormtroopers. 

Once we were victorious, we saw out the window that the wounded Wieloch was being helped into a small zeppelin that had docked in his garden; his escape being covered by a number of rifle-bearing soldiers who kept us pinned down as they got away.

Freya was able to get an impression of the co-ordinates off of Wieloch's desktop notepad, then we bolted down to our seaplane... only to discover it had (unsurprisingly) been sabotaged by the villains.

Onyx was quite confident her aircraft would be quicker than that of the bad guys, but we had to trust that her legendary repair skills were up to the task of undoing whatever damage the Nazis had done.

TO BE CONTINUED...

CAST:

• Buck Hannigan - Me
• Freya Larson - Clare
• Dick Tate - Kevin
• Onyx Jones - Mark 

DIRECTOR:

• Pete

Buck & Dick (top) and Onyx & Freya (bottom)

MY NOTES: While it was great to have Mark back at the table again, the first time we'd all been together for the better part of nine months, Outgunned Adventures is currently reinforcing my long-held dislike of dice pool systems.

I know we're still getting to grips with a new system, and trying to grasp all its nuances, but for what - at first glance - appears to be a simple system (much like Hollow Earth Expedition's Ubiquity mechanics before it), seems almost randomly fiddly.

Dice pools also make everything slow - as was demonstrated by the fact that almost the entirety of this session was our fight against the bad guys.

Conversely, I would point out that I appreciated the fact that the thugs we were fighting were incredibly lousy shots. It's not exactly cinematic (and that's the style the game is seeking to emulate) for a larger-than-life pulp hero to be offed by a random goon!

Star Wars Is Back - And On The Big Screen!

"Through Dangers Untold, and Hardships Unnumbered..."

It's Valentine's Day once more. Rachel and I both surprised each other this lunchtime with wonderful cards (mine's the Baby Yoda card and I gave Rachel the photo card) and appropriate presents.

I got her the book of Winnie The Pooh book of  quotes, affirmations, and observations as well as the miniature sideboard for her current dolls house project.

Rachel gave me the gloriously illustrated Bestiary for Jim Henson's Labyrinth, which - as well as being a beautiful insight into this world - I reckon could also serve as inspiration for my upcoming (possibly) Twilight Sword campaign.

Here are a couple of the gorgeous spreads from the book, illustrated by Iris Compiet (in a very Brian Froud style, as he was the original concept artist on the movie) with text by S.T. Bende:

SUPERB OWL LX MOVIE TRAILERS

SUPERGIRL

THE MANDALORIAN AND GROGU

DISCLOSURE DAY

SCREAM 7

MINIONS & MONSTERS

New Stranger Things Show Takes Us Back To 1985

Something from the Upside Down must’ve survived… Stranger Things: Tales From ’85 premieres April 23, only on Netflix.

Do we need this... so soon after the main show ended (and especially with none of the original cast seemingly returning to voice their characters)? Is it even canon? Does that matter? 

The animation style will probably take a moment to get used to, but we see the kids are playing Dungeons & Dragons in the trailer so that's a bit tick in the "yes" column. 

It's set between the end of season two and the start of season three... but clearly nothing that happens in this series is ever mentioned in the later seasons of Stranger Things!

This is why, as a general rule, I don't like prequels (and this is... kinda) unless they are earlier enough in the timeline to have faded into legend or they are specifically written to answer unanswered questions from the original material (and, yes, I am referring to the Star Wars Prequels).

I'll definitely be watching the first episode, of Stranger Things Tales From '85, to see if it can hook me as quickly as live-action Stranger Things did.

And, honestly, I'm sure I'll enjoy it.

13 Assassins (2010)

The theme of 'honour' is often central to samurai movies, but I can't think of another movie that has handled its complexities as well as 13 Assassins.

Directed by Takashi Miike (who I tend to associate with graphic and disturbing horror movies rather than chambara swordfighting flicks), this is the story of 12 samaurai and a woodsman, who acts as their guide, plotting the death of the Shogun's half-brother, the evil Lord Naritsuga (Gorô Inagaki).

Naritsuga isn't Darth Vader/comic book evil, but a full-on, conscience-free psychopath, whose violent appetites, arrogant ambition and total disregard for human life threaten to shatter mid-19th Century Japan's fragile peace.

Of course, because of his blood ties with the Shogun (he's also the son of the previous Shogun), he goes unchallenged, until the Shogun's advisor Sir Doi (Mikijiro Hira) gets tacit approval from the Shogun to deal with the problem "off the record".

Doi recruits seasoned samurai Shinzaemon Shimada (Kôji Yakusho) for the difficult task - Shinzaemon's only chance is to ambush Naritsuga on the road back from the capitol to his family lands, when he's accompanied by around 70 soldiers.

In this time of peace, finding trained samurai up to such a task is hard work, but eventually Shinzaemon assembles a hit squad of a dozen and comes up with a plan to divert Naritsuga's caravan through a village which Shizaemon will have had fortified and turned into a "death trap".

While the plot is very straight forward, the story can get rather complex for a Western viewer as the opening, explanatory text flashes by fast enough to give you whiplash, and then the dialogue is quite heavy with a lot of names and places (much like Game Of Thrones in that sense) and much, if not all, of the motivation for the protagonists is driven by the concept of honour - they know it's a suicide mission, but it's the right thing to do to save their country (before Naritsuga can assume the high political office that has been offered to him by his half-brother).

On the other side of the coin, Naritsuga's chief samurai Hanbei (Masachika Ichimura) - an old frenemy of Shinzaemon - knows that his master is evil, but also sees his obligation as protecting his master with his life and not questioning orders.

The first hour-and-a-quarter of 13 Assassins sets the chess pieces in place, motivations and reasons are established, the assassination team is assembled (and some have a brief tussle with some henchmen of Naritsuga's clan), but all this building up to the stunning finale, a 45-minute running battle between the assassins and Naritsuga's army (which turns out to be far bigger than they first believed).

Now, I knew in advance of the much-heralded 45-minute battle scene and wondered if Miike could pull it off. And the simple answer is: yes. It's almost a mini-film within the film, never gets repetitive or boring, allows all the assassins their moment in the spotlight, is incredibly creative and bloody (without being unnecessarily gory) and wholly convincing. It shows how a small force of highly trained individuals with a strong leader and a solid plan can take on a much larger force and achieve some sense of victory.

There are, of course, some similarities between 13 Assassins and Akira Kurosawa's Seven Samurai, but not to the detriment of either film.

Darth Maul Returns In New Animated Series

After the Clone Wars, Maul plots to rebuild his criminal syndicate on a planet untouched by the Empire.

Cult 1980's Fantasy Worth Watching (or Rewatching)

For some reason, fantasy movies feel especially good to revisit in winter, so in this video I decided to focus on the genre, specifically the 1980s.

You won’t find obvious picks like Krull, Excalibur, or Conan the Barbarian here, not because they don’t belong, but because you already know them well. Instead, this list makes room for slightly less popular titles.

Some proper classics here, including my boy, the pioneering Hawk The Slayer and his sleazy cousin Deathstalker, as well as Beastmaster and a wonderful Ray Harryhausen epic in the shape of Clash of The Titans (his Medusa is the definitive Medusa for me!).

Plenty of old school Dungeons & Dragons inspiration to be found in this lot as well.

"The Golden Age of Sci-Fi/Fantasy is 14"

In an old article on his blog about a youthful passion for the Dragonlance novels, Timothy S Brannan shared the wise saying: "The Golden Age of Sci-Fi/Fantasy is 14."

And this is so true.

The things we discover at that age stay with us.

For me, this would be around 1980... the year Hawk The Slayer came out.

I've written often of my love for this most Dungeons & Dragons of all fantasy movies (and probably will continue to do so).

At the dawn of the '80s, I was already engrossed in the stop-motion worlds of Ray Harryhausen fantasy movies (his last, Clash of The Titans, would come out in 1981), and this was also the era of the original Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back (which came out in 1980).

I was reading mainly sci-fi (Hitchhikers Guide to The Galaxy, Stainless Steel Rat etc), if I recall correctly (inspired by the galaxy far, far away), but my young gaming hobby had propelled me to the works of Fritz Leiber.

His Fafhrd and The Grey Mouser stories would come to influence my Dungeons & Dragons adventures as much as Harryhausen's Sinbad at that time.

I was always a player - rather than a Dungeon Master - in my early years, so was interested in character ideas, rather than grander plots and world-building (not that I didn't appreciate them at that time, but they just weren't as useful from a gaming perspective).

I had yet to stumble upon the stack of New Teen Titans in a second-hand book store in Tunbridge Wells and become a fully-fledged comic book collector, but I still dabbled in that medium.

2000AD was my publication of choice at that age.

And, of course, all these things still hold sway over me and continue to influence my gaming and broader hobby interests.

I don't think I realised, until just now, quite how important the art we discover at that particular age is in shaping the sort of person we grow into in our adult life and our hobbies, passions, and interests.