DEATHSTALKER WEEK: Deathstalker IV - Match Of Titans (1991)

Right from the opening monologue, Deathstalker IV: Match Of Titans sets itself up as a sequel to the original film (reinforcing this with frequent use of recycled clips from the earlier film and the return of Rick Hill, the first, and best, of the original Deathstalkers).

Although Rick is back as Stalker, the years have mellowed him since the hijinks of the first movie, and he appears to have mislaid The Sword Of Justice. Apparently, in the confusion of an earlier battle (actually a mixture of footage from Deathstalker I and III), he ended up with a friend's sword and the friend ended up with the Sword Of Justice. D'oh!

In the process of tracking his friend down, he stumbles across a couple of women being attacked by beastmen and although one of the women dies, her hotter sister - the Kim Cattrall-alike Dionara (Maria Ford) - survives.

The beastpeople of this realm look like ordinary folk but with lion/bear/pig masks (which, of course, is what they are) - but the implication is that these are their true - if unconvincing - faces.

Dionara explains that they were heading to the castle of the sorceress Kana (Michelle Moffett) to take part in a tournament of champions for an unspecified prize (it's never actually revealed why any of the "best warriors within 200 miles" are taking part in this event).

Lion-people, bear-people and pig-people, oh my!

Not only recycling footage (the man being dragged headfirst into a tree and the riotous party where the pig-man pulls someone's arm off both appear for the third time in the quadrilogy), Match Of Titans is a retread of familiar plot-ground from the first Deathstalker.

Unsurprisingly, Dionara eventually reveals herself to Deathstalker as a princess (as well as simply revealing herself) and the rightful ruler of the castle and kingdom that Kana has usurped.

It also comes as no surprise that Kana is using the tournament to eliminate all her potential competition (except, of course, all the other evil sorcerers!), by drugging them individually and then using her magic to transform them into unstoppable "stone zombies".

Written and directed this time by Howard R Cohen, Match Of Titans sees a return to the lasciviousness of the original - the castle comes complete with a lesbian romper room and magical CCTV for the use of Kana and her henchmen to ogle various bodies.

Conveniently, Stalker finds The Sword Of Justice hanging in the basement of Kana's castle - because apparently she has been "unable to unlock its magical power" - just in time for the inevitable showdown where the wicked sorceress gets her deserved comeuppance.

While Match Of Titans doesn't quite measure up to the 'superlative' standards set by the original Deathstalker movie, it's certainly better than the previous two, even if Rick Hill's Deathstalker is a slightly nicer guy here, exhibiting more of the cockiness from Deathstalker III and less of the brazen indifference from the original.

DEATHSTALKER WEEK: Deathstalker III - The Warriors From Hell (1989)

Third Deathstalker film in three days and third actor portraying the lead character, but at least we have the original scriptwriter back, so Deathstalker III: The Warriors From Hell should be up there with the first Deathstalker, right?

Sadly, wrong. Although a lot better than yesterday's Deathstalker II and thankfully the new lead, John Allen Nelson, can tell the difference between being cocky and being a dick, this is very pedestrian fare totally devoid of the gonzo insanity that made the first the classic that it is.

The DVD case even, amusingly, features stills of Rick Hill (the original Deathstalker) and Bernard Erhard (Munkar the wizard from the original movie), even though neither have anything to do with The Warriors From Hell (more's the pity).

Gifted with part of a magic crystal by a dying princess, Deathstalker learns that when the three parts are reunited they reveal the location of Erendor, a "lost city made of treasure" (no, I'm not exactly sure what is meant by that - and when we finally see the city at the end it just looks like an everyday, cod-Medieval town).

Complicating matters, the evil sorcerer Troxartes (Thom Christopher) has taken over the princesses' kingdom, The Southland, and is ruling it with his platonic mistress, Camisarde (Terri Treas). She wants to take their relationship to the next level, but the cool wizard has his eyes set on the dead princesses' twin sister, Carissa (Carla Herd), who he believes has part of the magic crystal that will pair up with his own fragment.

On his quest, Deathstalker is kinda helped by a beardy - but ultimately rather useless - wizard called Nicias (Aarón Hernán), who bears a disturbing likeness to Alan Moore and whose main magical ability appears to be a vanishing trick that involves him spinning round and round in his large fur coat.

Meanwhile, Troxartes has been using his own magic to resurrect warriors he claims he killed and then, for some reason, had buried in the castle crypt. Before you can cough "bullshit", Deathstalker is chatting with one of these faux-zombies about how he actually killed the warrior the first time.

Whiny Carissa swaps sides more often than Adric in Doctor Who and only, finally, decides that Deathstalker is on the side of right when she overhears Troxartes discussing her murder with Camisarde - who, it has to be added, appears to have a total, unexplained, change of heart by the time the credits roll and is last seen snuggling up to Nicias.

Deathstalker also finds time to hook up with valley-living, potato-eating, horse-raising, wild woman Marinda (Claudia Inchaurregui) who brings her bow skills to the party and ultimately has a "meaningful" death, which everyone soon forgets about.

The story gets a bit messy along the way, when a third fragment of the crystal appears out of the blue.

In the end everything boils down to a big brawl at Troxartes' castle with Deathstalker being backed-up by the zombie-warriors (after he frees their souls from bondage) and a bunch of villagers who, I thought, had nothing to do with anything, against the wizard's bucket-helmeted soldiers.

Character Posters For The Straw Hat Pirates

DEATHSTALKER WEEK: Deathstalker II - Duel Of The Titans (1987)

Having exploded at the end of the original movie, Deathstalker has regenerated into a younger man for Deathstalker II - Duel Of The Titans. Or it's a prequel. Or, most likely, no-one really cared.

One of the things that made the original Deathstalker so great was that it was played straight so the sequel's ham-fisted attempt to turn the franchise into an action-comedy, buddy movie was a serious step in the wrong direction.

Whereas before you were laughing because it was so awesomely bad that it was brilliant, here you find yourself groaning at the pathetic, laboured one-liners, squirming at the bad acting and virtually seething at the "humorous" anachronisms (e.g. the wrestling ring... and yes, there is still a car parked outside the barbarian camp).

To make matters worse, Deathstalker II even blatantly recycles a number of scenes from the original movie that don't add anything to story - and having only rewatched Deathstalker yesterday really stick out.

This time round Deathstalker (John Terlesky - with a permanent cheesy grin and finely coiffured hair) teams up with Reena The Seer (Monique Gabrielle) - whose inability to act convincingly is only saved by her willingness to disrobe - to save the kingdom from the evil sorcerer Jerak (John Lazar) and his hench-woman Sultana (yes, that really is her name), played by Tori Naples.

A swordsman as well as a sorcerer, Jerak - who with white hair and pink eyes would make a pretty decent Elric - has 'cloned' Reena (who is really Princess Evie) and has his puppet princess on the throne, only she needs to consume human flesh to stay corporeal (which is possibly the most interesting aspect of Neil Ruttenberg's dire script).

Along the way our dumb-ass heroes outwit a bunch of assassins, encounter a graveyard full of the least effective zombies in movie history, and team up with an army of busty Amazons led by the rather delicious Maria Socas (also known as Naja the Sorceress in The Warrior And The Sorceress).

Even though Stalker - who, let's be honest, is a total tool in this movie - appears to be using The Sword Of Justice and we see a pair of the pig-men (orcs?), as well as shots of the original, Deathstalker II really has no connection (bar the lead character's name) to the earlier classic of trash cinema.

Even the flesh and gore quota is markedly down in this half-hearted affair.

Let's hope things improve for tomorrow's Deathstalker III: The Warriors from Hell, which is where we enter unknown territory.

Admittedly I haven't seen Deathstalker II since I was at university and had blissfully blanked its awfulness from my mind (except for the car parked outside the Amazons' camp), but the final two 'official' movies in the original Deathstalker quadrilogy are totally unknown quantities.

Set Course For Next Tuesday

DEATHSTALKER WEEK: Deathstalker (1983)

With a new iteration of Deathstalker for the 21st Century recently released Stateside on home video, it's time to revisit its progenitors.

Deathstalker, a cornerstone of my old VHS collection at university, is one of those classics of the low-budget sword and sorcery genre that is so truly awful that it is awesome.

The plot - what there is of it - sees the titular Deathstalker ("Mr and Mrs Stalker, do you really want to name your newborn son Death?"), played by Rick Hill, on some half-baked quest to find a magic sword (which is in the first cave he stumbles across) and then kill an evil wizard, Munkar (Bernard Erhard), who has taken over the kingdom.

Hef's ex Barbi Benton pops up as Princess Codille, daughter of the rightful king (not that that is really important) and demonstrates quite ably why her true vocation lay in the pages of Playboy.

Female nudity is pretty much a given in this type of film and Deathstalker is overflowing with buxom young ladies willing to disrobe.

Story, however, in this Roger Corman-produced "classic", isn't as evident. Things just seem to happen for no apparent reason, such as the whole "boy who is not a boy" prophecy sequence where Mr Stalker is turned into a kid for about two minutes.

And you've got to a love a film that ends with the hero seemingly blowing up!

Deathstalker may be bad but it's never dull. There's enough cheesy dialogue, portentous music, shaky scenery, severed limbs and general madcap rough housing to keep most viewers' attention.

And you've also gotta respect the warrior-woman Kaira (Lana Clarkson, who was shot and killed by music producer Phil Spector in 2003, had quite the track record for playing these proto-Xena roles) who not only disdains armour but any more clothing than a cape when she's off adventuring.

MUSICAL MONDAY: Lulu (Ying & Legendav)

An English-language cover of Mrs Green Apple's Lulu, from the second season of hugely popular anime Frieren: Beyond Journey's End.

Frieren is cosplayed in the music video by meganakamomo aka Momo.

"We Are Gathered Here Today To Geek Out!"

Me with The Real Kent Ghostbusters at Geek Mania in Tonbridge

Today Rachel and I attended the first Geek Mania show (convention? gathering?) at the Angel Centre, Tonbridge, and it was magnificent.

There were stalls selling books, games, artwork, badges, dice, LARPing gear, and trading cards (so many cards), as well as participation tables for 5e Dungeons & Dragons, various shades of Warhammer, card games (so many cards), Beyblades, figure painting, a lightsaber training academy, and probably other things I missed.

A selection of the amazing props brought along by The Real Kent Ghostbusters

Rachel and I posing with Slimer

I'd really hoped to get Rachel into an "introduction to Dungeons & Dragons" session, but we were there around 11.30 and the tables had proved so popular that the first available slot was 2.30pm... and it was unlikely we'd still be around then (as I have limited reserves of stamina).

The participation tables were packed from the moment we arrived, and just got busier

These were the lightsaber tutors, but they mainly ran classes for younglings through the day

The vibe of the whole show was very welcoming and everyone we spoke to was incredibly friendly, delighted we were there, and happy to talk about whatever geeky niche was their forte.

There were cosplayers - always happy to pose for pictures - and LARPers, with a vast selection of costumes, masks, and boffer weapons for sale. 

I achieved a lifelong ambition and purchased my first pair of elf ears! 

Incredible array of costuming and weaponry from Gem's Trading Company 

"You've made an old man very happy," I told the lady who sold me these ears!!!

I strongly suspect I was one of - if not the - oldest people there (knocking on the door to sixty this year), but it didn't matter. There was a youthful, positive atmosphere that I hope translated into cash in the pockets of the organisers so that this will become a regular event.

Geek Mania was the brainchild of Planet JJs Geekery, which, in very real terms, is close to being at the bottom of our road (although too far for me to walk there and back, sadly).

I really must try and get signed up for regular RPG events at the store, which I have to confess we've only actually been in once. Rachel is supportively offering to be my taxi to and from the store if I join their "club".

I also believe that Geek Mania being organised locally is a massive plus for the future of the show, as there's an automatic community investment here.

Either side of the Pandemic, there were several attempts to make "comic-cons" a thing at the Angel Centre, but they never really took off.

Run by travelling groups who organise such events around the country, there was no great incentive to come back if they didn't rake in the cash they had been hoping for at the first attempt.

That said, Geek Mania was definitely busier than any of the "comic-cons" I've attended at the Angel Centre over the years.

Overall, Rachel and I stayed for about an hour-and-a-half, which wasn't too bad by my usual variable health standards, only having to have a single sit down and cookie break.

Even though Pokémon is an alien language to me and seemed to dominate every other stall, I still managed to pick up some mighty treasures (as well as my ears) from the traders:

My Geek Mania haul

My first purchase of the day was a He-Man Funko Pop (because, like dice, you can never have too many Pops). Sadly, they were all out of Frieren-related Pops.

I was excited to find a couple of boxes of old 60s/70s pulp sci-fi anthology magazines on the floor of a bookseller's stall.

She very kindly picked them up and put them on the table so I could sort through them properly.

My main guiding principle here was looking for authors that Michael K Vaughan had mentioned on his Booktube channel, so that it appeared as though I knew what I was doing.

And finally I bought a cute little pocket zine from local artist Katherine Burgess, whose style and obvious talent made me wish I was producing a game - or a supplement - so I could hire her to illustrate it.

"Tonbridge. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."

A Tale of Two Tales of An Ancient Empire

TALE ONE: It took director Albert Pyun almost 30 years to bring us a sequel to the much-loved, pulpy magnificence of The Sword And The Sorcerer - but sadly 2010's Tales Of An Ancient Empire wasn't worth the wait.

I'll confess that I feel slightly guilty about this upcoming savaging of a movie I should have loved.

However, the first thing you should know about Tales Of An Ancient Empire is that it isn't even a complete movie - it only lasts about 65 minutes then there's a trailer for the sequel Red Moon (which, sadly, never saw the light of day as far as I am aware).

Rather bizarrely scenes from this trailer have been used in the artwork on the back of the DVD case... even though technically they don't occur in this movie!

The basic premise isn't actually too bad. Tanis (Melissa Ordway), the daughter of Talon (Lee Horsley), hero of The Sword And The Sorcerer, is charged by her half-sister princess to track down her father and liberate the kingdom from the grip of newly-risen vampire queen Xia (Whitney Able, hilariously incomprehensible due to her over-sized fake fangs).

Along the way Tanis teams up with a string of other rogues who all happen to be children of Talon - including an oddly camp Kevin Sorbo.

Horsley only truly appears on screen for a single scene - but he steals the show in that one performance - while the cloaked figure we see later, wielding the famous three-bladed sword, may - or not - actually be Horsley as we never see his face.

Right from the off, Tales Of An Ancient Empire is victim to a series of strange and misjudged decisions: background information is imparted through on-screen text that disappears too quickly, the story is broken up into pointless, titled chapters (one lasts the length of time it takes two characters to walk down a hall, while another lasts for the entire third act) and there is much mumbled delivery, often in thick accents, by large portions of the cast.

On top of that there are just too many characters, several of whom look very similar, to keep track of and Pyun's heavy reliance on montage and flashback just confuses things further.

Improvements in special effects technology over the last three decades seem to have passed this production by. While the monsters (all vampires) are good and the smaller atmospheric effects work fine, the exterior of the main palace at night and a sailing ship that Tanis heads off on both looked like unfinished previsualization tests and a lot of the basic green-screening is very obvious.

Most of the film's production faults could have been overlooked if there had been a satisfying conclusion to the story (or any sort of conclusion, really) but to just stop when it did and then taunt us with a tease of better looking scenes was just cruel.

I so wanted to love this film, as I do the original, and I really like the idea of a party of adventures composed of half-brothers and half-sisters, but annoyingly this was a half-movie.

TALE TWO: Following my disappointment with Tales Of An Ancient Empire (expressed, pretty much as above, on a different, earlier blog) I was contacted by director Albert Pyun (yeah, I know! The power of the Internet, eh?) who explained that the version I had seen was a "rough early cut" that was released "without [his] okay".

And then, proving what a cool director he was, Albert (emailing from the set of Red Moon, the sequel to/continuation of Tales Of An Ancient Empire) allowed me a sneak peak at the first 18 minutes of the official, final cut and mix of the movie.

The first thing that strikes you is that the expositional text and chapter headings have gone, replaced by an on-screen, talking head narrator - Hekate (Cazzy Golomb).

If nothing else, this adds a degree of "Know, O Prince," Conan-style gravitas to proceedings and, unlike the chapter headings from my DVD, Hekate only pops up a couple of times during this first 18-minutes.

With less exposition, the story is allowed to unfold at its own pace, which cuts out a lot of the narrative repetition of the previous version, diving straight into the first meeting between Princess Tanis (Melissa Ordway) and her roguish half-brother Aedan (Kevin Sorbo) after the initial introduction of the arch villainess, the vampire queen Xia (Whitney Able).

The stunning Victoria Maurette as Kara

Melissa Ordway as Princess Tanis and Lee Horsley as Talon

The attack on the palace is then told in flashback and this helps to make it clear what is going on.

I was even, this time around, able to pick up on the fact that Tanis is the (adopted) daughter of the king that Talon (Lee Horsley) is riding off to save at the end of The Sword And The Sorcerer.

As well as the CGI shortcomings of the original, reviewed, version of Tales Of An Ancient Empire now being fixed, it's subtle differences that make all the difference in the director's cut (well, the 18 minutes I saw anyway). 

These give me hope that the finished product would have more likely been on a par with The Sword and The Sorcerer.