Sweet Revenge, officially released today on YouTube, is the first live-action appearance - now all the legal wrangling has, hopefully, been ironed out - of the 'new' Jason Voorhees (the unstoppable killer from the Friday The 13th franchise).
Much brouhaha was made of the fact that this 13-minute short is sponsored by a cider company, but, to be honest, the product placement is minimal and subtle. Had I not read about it before hand, I wouldn't have noticed the label on the bottle Ally Ioannides carries around for a minute or so.
It so happens that Ioannides is probably the best thing about this "vignette", her Eve morphing into an interesting twist on the classic Final Girl trope.
Otherwise, Sweet Revenge pretty much retreads classic Friday The 13th territory in a very condensed format.
My good friend Justin 'Pun' Isaac put it best in his review: "...it boiled down the classic slasher formula and just cut out the filler".
Eve and her fiancé Kyle (Toussaint Morrison), and a couple of friends, appear to have AirBnB-ed a holiday cottage from pervy Harold (Chris Carlson), unaware that it's on the site of the former Camp Crystal Lake... the primary hunting ground of the supernatural slasher Jason Voorhees (Schuyler White).
As everyone is settling in, Eve takes a canoe out on the lake in broad daylight - only to be dragged under the water, seemingly by Jason. Inexplicably when she surfaces it's now night time, and Jason has started butchering people.
Why didn't Jason kill Eve when he dragged her under the water? Just how long did she hold her breath? Perhaps Eve did die and is now a deadite zombie? Who knows?
While I have no issue with Jason's hockey mask design (which seems to be a hot button topic in the online community), the first thing that struck me when the masked killer appeared was how thin and scrawny he appeared. Stuntman Schuyler White is no Kane Hodder, that's for sure.
Written and directed by Wrong Turn's Mike P Nelson, there's a smattering of gore in Sweet Revenge, although the bulk of the kills occur off screen, and a healthy amount of 'strong language' for something thought to be a drinks' advertisement.
With minimal time to fit in an expansive story, Eve is the only character that changes and develops, which makes me hope that she has some future role to play in the resurrected franchise.
However, what, if anything, this short film has to do with the grander Jason mythology going forward, I can't even imagine. Will we see Eve again in an upcoming movie? And if so will it replay her origin story as well?
Booktube supremo Michael K Vaughan presents a 20-minute video essay on the "importance of superheroes", which I agree with 100 per cent, for the regular Epic Comic Book Wednesday slot on his channel.
Two episodes in (both dropped this morning on Disney Plus in the UK) and Alien: Earth is already looking like the best new show on the streamer since last year's Shōgun.
I'd bought the DVD for Paul's birthday, in March, as a joke present. It had both "shark" and "exorcist" in the title, so surely it was a film we needed to see.
Without even watching it, Paul had loaned it to a mate who - after viewing it - had decided to take it to Cash Converters before I foolishly suggested to Paul that it might be a good candidate for one of our horror film nights.
Paul and I finally sat down to watch it one weekend in 2017... and are both still reeling from the psychological trauma of the experience.
To put it politely, it makes The Asylum's output look like Alfred Hitchcock or Werner Herzog; it is unbelievably poor. Really, really, really awful.
Shark Exorcist gives Camp Blood a run for its money for the title of worst film ever to pollute our viewing history.
Possibly produced on a dare, or a student film that has escaped into the wild, 2014's Shark Exorcist was clearly made by someone who has never studied how a film actually works.
The movie's full of scenes that start too early and then run on for too long; extended sequences where the filmmakers were clearly unable to record the actor's speaking, so we get to watch a lot of miming and pointing; a script that tears up the basic concept of a three-act story (or any form of coherent narrative); and not one but two painfully redundant post-credits scenes.
This is before we even consider the universally abysmal level of acting, not helped by the fact that several of the actresses look noticeably bored or simply don't want to be there any more.
As well as lacking a protagonist (even the titular exorcist is only in a handful of scenes), what passes for a story in Shark Exorcist is risible nonsense, all over the place, and totally confused.
There's an evil nun who sacrifices someone to Satan... or a demonic shark. Which lives in a lake.
It's a crappy CGI shark that looks like it was designed on a ZX81 by the work experience kid during his lunch break.
Then a year later three women visit the lake and one, Ali (Angela Kerecz) gets bitten by the shark (her wound looks like she was eating a hot dog and spilled ketchup on her thigh).
She goes to hospital, but then miraculously recovers from her life-threatening ketchup spill... because she's now possessed by the demon shark (or is a wereshark?).
The girl starts attacking random people (maybe she shapechanges into the shark, maybe she summons it, the film isn't clear on this topic).
Unfortunately, she makes the mistake of killing the brother of a priest (Bobby Kerecz - husband of the actress playing Ali), who then tracks her down and decides to exorcise her (even though he admits he isn't a trained exorcist).
There's a ridiculously comical exorcism scene, which features the best line in the movie: "You're going to need a bigger cross!"
After which things get even weirder. The priest becomes possessed and bites another woman, but then the demon shark drops out of a portal in the sky (WTF?), and what passes for a story goes totally off the rails.
There's an assortment of oddities in and around all this, such as the "ghost hunting" TV show that's tracking the demon shark, some wannabe witches in a nearby churchyard, a sorority initiation (where something happens off-camera that's never addressed), a bizarre and prolonged sequence of a perv spying on a woman sunbathing (in the most miserable conditions), the return of the killer nun etc
If you enjoy bad movies then this is hilarious, and we were laughing out loud for large portions of its blissfully short 71-minute duration, but there are also moments of mind boggling bewilderment where you have no clue what's going on (and I don't mean in a trippy 2001: A Space Odyssey way).
Now, I'm worried that I'm making it sound better than it is. Trust me. Shark Exorcist is dire. As I write this, it has a rating of 1.4 (out of 10) on IMDB, from 2,100 reviews. Camp Blood has a 3.1 rating, from 1,300 reviews.
I also think Sharxorcist would have been a better name.
Oh, and there was also (somehow) a sequel, Shark Exorcist 2: Unholy Waters (which we haven't seen... yet):
This is not a movie you see, this is a movie you survive! Only in theaters September 12.
Mikey's night terrors become reality when his mother begins showing signs of demonic possession. What he's about to experience will haunt him for the rest of his life and claim countless lives across generations.
I'm definitely getting an Evil Dead Rise vibe from this trailer, but that's not a bad thing.
In my long, and varied, history of movie-watching (for fun, professionally, or for university), I've sat through a lot of rough movies, but Camp Blood is possibly the worst film I have ever seen.
Made with a budget of about $1, the script is bad, the acting is bad, the camera work (and film stock) is bad.
The colour is washed out for most of the movie's duration so the characters have yellowy, Simpson-like skin and sound quality fades in and out (depending on how bored the boom mike operator was, I guess).
Camp Blood is a sad attempt at a low-budget slasher that, thankfully, sinks in to that precious reality of "so bad it's bad". This is a film that deserves a fan-commentary track, MT3K-style.
There's an attempt at a backstory - a man wearing a clown mask in the woods who likes to kill people - but it doesn't really make any difference to the plot.
From the gratuitous nudity in the first five minutes (tricking you into thinking the film will be full of T&A... it isn't), through several mind-blowing moments of what-the-frakkery to the supposedly clever "twist" ending which is just risible, Camp Blood can only be enjoyed by those who truly revel in crap cinema - or are totally wasted.
I cannot stress how bad this film is.
It's bad. Really. Bad.
Then, back in 2018, Paul (who had watched the first Camp Blood with me on one of our regular "film nights") stumbled upon a sequel to Camp Blood on Prime Video (Ghost Of Camp Blood), that was released that year, which led me to investigate further and discover that there are, in fact, numerous sequels to this steaming pile of poodoo.
Currently, IMDB lists 13 titles in the franchise that began in 1999 (including the 30-minute Camp Blood: The Musical, which I don't think has anything to do with the the other movies whatsoever):
Camp Blood 2 (2000)
Within The Woods (2005)
[Camp Blood: The Musical (2006)]
Camp Blood First Slaughter (2014)
Camp Blood 4 (2016)
Camp Blood 5 (2016)
Camp Blood 666 (2016)
It Kills aka Camp Blood 7 (2017)
Ghost of Camp Blood (2018)
Camp Blood 8: Revelations (2019)
Camp Blood 666 Part 2: Exorcism of The Clown (2023)
Camp Blood X: Animated (2023)
Camp Blood 9: Bride of Blood (2024)
At the time, Wikipedia went someway to explaining what is going on here:
[Writer/director Brad] Sykes quickly followed up his 1999 release of Camp Blood with a sequel, Camp Blood 2, in October 2000. A third unofficial film, Within the Woods, was released five years after that, in 2005. Sykes wrote and directed both sequels and actress Jennifer Ritchkoff reprised her role as Tricia Young for Camp Blood 2, but did not return for the third film. Four sequels were released beginning 2014 with Camp Blood: First Slaughter, which was written and directed by Mark Polonia, and is sometimes referred to as Camp Blood 3. Three more instalments were released, Camp Blood 4, Camp Blood 5, and Camp Blood 666, all of which were released in 2016. Like First Slaughter, these films do not take into account the third movie created by Brad Sykes in the Camp Blood series, Within the Woods.
Check that out: THREE of the sequels came out in the same year. They must be sooooo good!
And yet, because all the 'official' sequels were available to stream 'for free' to Prime members of Amazon, Paul and I were perversely - masochistically - tempted to tip our toes in the murky waters of these other movies.
Just to say we've seen (a selection of) them and survived...
But then again, life is short, and these are hours of our precious time that we'll never get back.
I applaud the filmmakers' enthusiasm, and by all means make these movies for your friends (I know I used to), but for the sake of global sanity don't foist them on the rest of us who are scratching around for decent horror flicks.
Fool me once, shame on me, try and fool me a dozen times, shame on everyone!
When a highly contagious, mutating fungus escapes a sealed facility, two young employees, joined by a grizzled bioterror operative, must survive the wildest night shift ever to save humanity from extinction, as the microorganism spreads and destroys everything in its path.
Starring Joe Keery (Stranger Things), Georgina Campbell (Barbarian), and Liam Neeson (Naked Gun).
From the producer of Zombieland and the screenwriter of Jurassic Park, Spider-Man, and Mission: Impossible, Cold Storage is an action-packed thrill ride and pure popcorn fun.
It's amazing what you can just stumble across on Shudder.
I'd just finished one "time-filler" movie and up popped in the "also available" offerings: Head of The Family, a Full Moon film I'd never even heard of before but clearly inspired by the legendary cover story of DC Comics' Black Magic issue one, from 1973 (see below).
Although no acknowledgment is made in the credits the similarities are staring you right in the face!
Now, the 1996 movie is from Full Moon so you know it's going to be cheap and sleazy, and not one you want your wife randomly wandering in in the middle of (as Rachel did!)
Gangster and drug dealer Howard (Gordon Jennison Noice) is trying to muscle in on Lance's (Blake Adams) diner business, unaware that Lance is having a torrid affair with Howard's stunning wife, Loretta (Playboy model Jacqueline Lovell).
Lance resorts to blackmailing a weird family of local well-to-do mutants, the Stackpools, into disposing of Howard.
Although then Lance gets greedy and tries to scam money out of the peculiar family, only to have the tables turned on him and Loretta.
There's an element of 2003's House of 1,000 Corpses in the way the Stackpool quadruplets are seemingly 'farming' captives in their basement for scientific experiments, and I can't help but wonder if maybe Rob Zombie picked up on this at some point when 'crafting' his first flick about the murderous Firefly family.
The head of the Stackpool family is poster boy Myron (J.W. Perra), a giant head with all the brains and mild telepathic influence over his siblings: the superstrong, but dumb, Otis (Bob Schott); the bug-eyed Wheeler (James Jones), with incredible senses; and the seductive Ernestina (Alexandria Quinn as Dianne Colazzo).
Myron's siblings: Otis, Wheeler, and Ernestina!
You will note that there are only two main female characters in this movie, both hot blondes and both who are required - in Jacqueline Lovell's case nearly constantly - to get naked.
Written and directed by Mr Full Moon himself, Charles Band, Head of The Family is supposedly a black comedy, but while it does raise a laugh every so often that's invariably because you are laughing at it.
Myron's experiments - to find a 'regular' human body capable of holding his mighty intellect - are set up like Chekhov's Gun, and I was half-expecting Howard to make a more dramatic return than he actually did, now 'gifted' with Myron's brain.
But no, that thread was seemingly just there for an excuse to show off some low-budget post-operative patients.
Several scenes, particularly in the final act, go on way too long, such as Loretta's uncomfortable attempt to seduce Myron and then her forced involvement in a play about the death of Joan of Arc... with its expected fiery pay-off.
The whole "blackmail scheme backfiring" is nicely plotted, very film noirish, but, narratively, one of the big issues I had with Head of The Family is that there's no one to root for.
Both sides of the dramatic equation are equally scuzzy and despicable, although I guess, if anything, I felt slightly more empathy for the Stackpools as, despite all their money, they were clearly physically and mentally disabled.
Even the denouement (and this is a mild spoiler for a 29-year-old Z-list schlock movie) has Loretta taking advantage of the mentally ill Otis.
In a strange way, I'm glad I discovered Head of The Family - for its vague connection to a comic book that's near and dear to my geeky heart - but beyond that, and the swathes of skin on display, there's very little to recommend this shoddy old movie.
I've talked before about my early exposure to comic books as a young kid, namely the Fantastic Fourin British reprints and discovering The Flash and Shazam in a newsagent's spinner while on holiday on the South Coast.
But there was always one other comic book cover that has stuck with me - possibly from the same time I found those comics in a seaside newsagents back in the early 70s.
All I could remember was the picture... and the pun. However, in 2013, thanks to a magnificent retro comic book blog, Rip Jagger's Dojo I was mentally reunited with the first issue of DC's Black Magic(dated November 1973).
I suspect it was probably early '74 (or it could have been late '73, I suppose) when I saw this comic. I was about seven at the time - and either mum didn't approve or I was too chicken - but I didn't pick it up.
However, the "head of the family" pun stayed with me.
I'm pretty certain that anyone who knows me will see that my dark sense of humour is perfectly encapsulated in this image and I think it's fair to say that it was possibly a bigger influence on me in my formative years than I realised.
I still regard it as one of the greatest visual gags ever. Over the years I've recycled it in roleplaying games and awkward social occasions (and probably will, again, in the future).
Thank you, Joe Simon and Jack Kirby!
Soon after encountering Black Magic #1 on Rip's site, I tracked down a reasonably-priced copy (thank you, eBay), and it now has pride of place among my gallery of framed covers in the lounge.
As it was Rachel's birthday this week, she took the week off work and we'd planned a selection of low-key events (to take into account my current wheelchair-bound status): most of which revolved around food consumption!
This was as close as I got to Timmy
MONDAY: We visited the Raystede Animal Sanctuary to coo over all the cute animals they have rescued, support their charitable work, and say "hello" to Timmy, the alpaca we adopted on our previous visit. Unfortunately, the weather was a bit nippy and wet and so the alpacas were seeking shelter on the far side of their massive estate, quite a distance from humans.
TUESDAY: 'Biscuit Club' (my weekly exercise class) , which was very exhausting, but satisfying. Then, in the evening, Paul popped down to see how I was getting on, give Rachel some wine for her birthday, and shoot the breeze. This was really cool of him, and we all shared a delicious Indian takeaway.
Alice and I admiring my bubblegum-flavoured milkshake
WEDNESDAY: Lunch at the exquisite TJ's American Diner, where Rachel and I filled our faces with yummy food and massive Wonka-esque milkshakes. As a canine-friendly venue, it even offered a menu for dogs, meaning Alice (who was a BIG hit with the staff) got her own meal - which she hoovered up in about 10 seconds, as is her way.
THURSDAY: Our car was due in for its first annual service, so Alice and I stayed in (watching Star Trek: Strange New Worlds and sundry YouTube featurettes) while Rachel was at the garage. She then returned with a McDonald's for lunch - but sadly our store was out of milkshakes and McFlurrys (because I hadn't consumed enough milk and ice cream in the last 24 hours!).
Rachel's parents join us in celebrating her birthday
FRIDAY: Rachel's parents came over to mark their daughter's birthday. We drove round the corner to our local pub and restaurant, The Vauxhall Inn, which has had a facelift - and change of ownership - since I was last there. The food was, of course, delicious and I was touched by the small gestures of kindness from the staff and other patrons when it came to accommodating my limited mobility.
The party posse!
SATURDAY: One of Rachel's oldest school friends - who also celebrates her birthday this week - came round with her family, so we could all dine out in our garden. It was a lovely, fun end to Rachel's birthday week and we managed to spend more than 10 hours in the garden (which is why I was extra tired - and a bit grumpy - today).
HEALTH UPDATE: The doctor we spoke with at the hospital, when I had my MRI scan, rang on Friday to tell us he'd forwarded my discharge notes to my GP. He'd spoken to specialists at King's hospital in London and the consensus was I didn't need surgery on my spine (the disc should, eventually, return to its correct position, but some physio wouldn't hurt). However, he said, the prolapsed disc didn't explain the sudden onset weakness in my legs. It could be connected to my stroke, but, at the moment it remains a mystery. Hopefully, my orthopaedics referral appointment in a couple of weeks might be able to shed some light on the matter or suggest a different treatment regime.
My pop culture Odyssey: a slice of super-powered geek life with heavy emphasis on pulp adventure, horror, comic books, westerns, superheroes, sci-fi, giant monsters, zombies etc
