Beard Today, Groomed Tomorrow

My first ever beard grooming kit has arrived

As a sign that I'm entering a new (mature?) phase of my life, I have purchased my first "beard grooming kit".

My current beard came about almost by accident. I hadn't shaved for the better part of the week and Rachel remarked that my stubble - complete with grey hairs - was looking a bit distinguished.

So, I thought, why not give it a go?

Perhaps it's because I'm thinning on top these days (one of the reasons I wear my battered NASA cap a lot of the time), but - for the first time - I'm actually quite comfortable with the idea of growing a beard.

I have to agree with Rachel (and not just because I'm legally contracted to) that it does suit me.

Then, on Saturday, I got to talking to Richard and Pete, a pair of professional beard-growers, and we got into the whole topic of "maintenance" - lip trimming, oils etc. 

And so the next day I went straight to Amazon and ordered myself a "Beard Grooming Kit - with Beard Growth Oil, Beard Shampoo, Balm, Comb, Scissors".

Now I feel like a grown-up. Or perhaps I've been watching too many Westerns? I can see myself, one day, going full Sam Elliot...
 

In the years before I went to university I sported a full beard for a short time, but the one picture of me I remember from that time appears to have been consigned to the almighty landfill.

However, while sorting through my jumbled box of old photographs (no digital files in those days, folks) I came across a picture from university (about 25 years ago) where I appeared to have some kind of proto-beard (left).

Again, I suspect that didn't last too long.

I'm not sure how long the current beard will last, but now I'm invested in its maintenance there's a decent chance that it will be more than just be a fleeting fad. 

My "beard grooming" station!

Now You CAN Read Sutter Cane

Sutter Cane's Most Anticipated Novel Has Arrived

In the Mouth of Madness is the long-lost novel fans have been waiting for.

Readers of his earlier books (The Hobbs End Horror, The Thing in the Basement, The Breathing Tunnel, Haunter in the Dark, The Feeding and The Whisperer of the Dark) will recognize his signature blend of psychological terror and cosmic dread.

Sutter Cane has always been a figure shrouded in mystery. Critics have called his writing "dangerously immersive" and "deeply infectious." Although sales records are incomplete or missing, many believe he has outsold every living author.

The story follows John Trent, an insurance investigator assigned to find Sutter Cane after his sudden disappearance. What begins as a simple missing person case soon spirals into a nightmare. Trent learns that Cane's fiction doesn't just reflect reality, it may shape it.

Will you read Sutter Cane?

John Carpenter's In The Mouth of Madness is one of the greatest horror movies of all time, a loving homage to the cosmic horror of HP Lovecraft (the grandfather of modern horror) that also embraces Stephen King (the father of modern horror, whose own work was heavily influenced by Lovecraft).

The film follows insurance investigator John Trent (Sam Neill) in his pursuit of missing author Sutter Cane (Jürgen Prochnow), who has vanished just ahead of the publication of his latest work, In The Mouth of Madness.

Trent believes the whole thing is an elaborate publicity stunt, an idea reinforced when he realises that images on the covers of previous Cane novels form a map to Cane's fictional town of Hobb's End.

For years, fans of the 1994 movie have been wanting a 'real' version of Cane's novel, In The Mouth of Madness. And now, as of October 1, the book can be yours!

Ghost-written by Christian Francis, the book is being released by Echo On the horror-centric publisher  masquerading as Arcane Publishing (Sutter Cane's 'in-universe' publisher).

Arcane's website bears this warning:

"Cane’s works have an undeniable effect on those who dare to read them. If you have experienced disorientation after reading any his books, please contact our support team immediately."

Below is a gallery of the covers of Cane's novels as depicted in the film:

THROWBACK THURSDAY: The Force Is Strong With This One

Like many younglings of my generation, Star Wars spoke to me in ways other movies never did.

People often talk about being "blown away" the first time they saw the Imperial Star Destroyer rumble into shot during the opening sequence of Star Wars.

It didn't have that effect on me - for me it was totally normal; in my 10-year-old mind's eye that's what spaceships had always looked like. This was space stuff as it always should have been!

My dad took me to see Star Wars when it first came out and it was one of those rare films that really bridged the age gap.

From seeing Star Wars on the big screen, with my dad, in 1977 a fanboy was born.

I started a scrap book (cover pictured above) of Star Wars newspaper and magazine articles, along with the "Who's Who"s from the black-and-white British Star Wars comics, and a strange diagram of the Death Star trench.

As well as hordes of bubblegum cards and a small selection of action figures (I mainly remember Han Solo and Darth Vader); my collecting mania had begun.

More importantly, I wrote voraciously.

Since primary school I'd filled spare exercise books with rambling Earth-centric science-fiction and action stories, but now they took on epic, space opera qualities, filled with alien planets and strange creatures, inspired by George Lucas and his masterpiece.

Somehow I knew, albeit subconsciously, that this was a film unlike any other. A phenomenon. And the world would never be the same again.

Almost four decades later and George Lucas' creation is still impacting my life.

Even though Rachel isn't a fan and it was actually a total co-incidence that we were married on May 25, 2007 (the 30th anniversary of the opening of Star Wars), we still had The Imperial March as Rachel's bridal music and she had secretly arranged for 'Darth Vader' to act as ring bearer.

At the time, Paul (my best man) was working as Assistant Editor of New Consumer magazine  and so our wedding earned a mention in their promotional material for 'alternative' weddings (as a faux new report video).

The table names for the wedding breakfast were all planets from the Saga (the head table was Cosuscant) and our cake topper was this delightful tiny replica of myself as Han Solo and Rachel as Princess Leia. They still have pride-of-place in the dinning room cabinet display, along with a number of Star Wars-themed Mr Potato Heads (Darth Tater, Spudtrooper etc)!

In my world, Star Wars surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the Galaxy together; it is such a part of my life, of who I am, it connects me to my late father, it is woven into the fabric of my wedding and continues to be a major factor in my geekdom.

PULP PICTURE OF THE MONTH: Tarzan, The Ape Man (1959)

Billed erroneously on television as the 1932 Johnny Weissmuller original (his first Tarzan flick), Tarzan, The Ape Man turned out to be the 1959 remake starring blonde-haired Denny Miller in his only outing as the Lord of The Jungle.

Rather a mess from start to finish, this low-budget, colour reworking of the original black-and-white movie is padded with jarringly incongruous stock footage and footage re-purposed from the Weissmuller movie (including shots of Weissmuller swinging through the trees), given a slight tint as a cheap stab at making it blend.

There's also a scene of Tarzan wrestling a crocodile randomly thrown in at one point that has been taken from 1934's Tarzan and His Mate.

Even Weissmuller's distinctive Tarzan yodel is lifted from the old films and dubbed into Miller's mouth. 

The story of Tarzan, The Ape Man sees Jane Parker (Joanna Barnes) arriving at a jungle way-station to find out why the money that had been supporting her London socialite lifestyle has dried up. It turns out that her father, Col. James Parker (Robert Douglas), and his caddish business partner Harry Holt (Cesare Danova) have been having financial troubles due to native unrest.

Just as they were all about to pack it in, they get a lead on the mythical elephants' graveyard and Holt convinces them there's a fortune in ivory to made there.

They all head off into the jungle, with a train of native bearers, slaughtering wild animals as they go like a pack of feral dentists.

Along the way, they run into Tarzan (Denny Miller), a westerner living in the jungle like a primitive (although you wouldn't know from his perfectly quaffed hair), who saves Jane from a rogue elephant.

If Tarzan was initially supposed to come across as an innocent, he fails, coming across instead as slightly creepy and rather threatening.

He does, however, remain an enigma throughout the film. His name is never spoken, nor the fact that he was raised by apes ever revealed. In fact, no explanation is ever given for what he is doing in the jungle in the first place.

After their encounter with Tarzan, the hunting party - having lost all their bearers except for their native guide - decide to push on for the elephants' graveyard.

The highlight of the film (and I'm really stretching the definition of that word here) comes when they discover the ruins of a lost city that contains a fantastically weird statue and a not-so-fiendish trap.

The adventurers end up surrounded by hostile pygmies and have to be rescued by Tarzan once more.

The final act of the movie comes with the survivors following the slow, heartbreaking, walk of a wounded elephant through a mountain tunnel system to the elephant graveyard.

Eventually, the very shallow, and financially motivated, Jane finally sees the light, although her emotional arc and sudden decision to stay with Tarzan makes no sense whatsoever.

At the same time, Holt - who started off as a bounder and has stayed one for the duration of the film - is effectively forgotten about, free to return home and bring in a fresh team to loot the graveyard of its ivory!

There's no escaping the feeling that Tarzan, The Ape Man was stitched together with very little consideration for how the story was going to work or if the characters were particularly convincing, instead opting to trade on the names Tarzan and Jane as known quantities.

As well as dodgy character development (or lack thereof) and shifting film stock, the film is rife with continuity errors, such as Jane's instantly drying hair when she's getting soaked by a playful baby elephant outside Tarzan's IKEA tree-house homestead.

Tarzan (Denny Miller) and Jane (Joanna Barnes)

No Joke, The Western Library Is Really Taking Off

This week's additions to my growing Western library were a couple of left-field, niche, publications that tickled my fancy for the peculiar and outré.

Written by Michael King of the Wild West Podcast, The Antic Tales of Luke McGlue: The Dodge City Prankster recounts a number of real life practical jokes and 'comedic' deceptions attributed to the non-existent character of Luke McGlue.

It appears that 19th Century Dodge City, the notorious Wild West town, had a reputation as a hotbed of  mischievous jokers and perpetrators of shenanigans, who would, in turn, blame their antics on the mythical Luke McGlue "the master of mischief".

The other publication I picked up was the first issue of Strange West Magazine, a 70+ page digest-sized booklet of articles relating to unusual occurrences in, and mysteries from, the Old West, including reports of cryptids, ghost stories, lost treasures, UFO encounters etc

All of which sounds right up my alley, as well as being perfect inspirational material for roleplaying game scenarios in the style of Deadlands and similar Weird West games.

Published by Bicep Books (based, appropriately enough in Roswell, New Mexico), there only appear to have been four issues of this delightful-looking pulp/Fortean zine, so I'm going to have to pace myself.

However, author John LeMay appears to have also written a ton of other non-fiction books in the same field (and published through his Bicep Books).

Fantastic Four: First Steps Tie-In Comic Announced

cover art by Phil Noto

Unsurprisingly, Marvel Comics has announced a tie-in comic for the upcoming Fantastic Four: First Steps movie which will (finally) welcome the First Family into the MCU.

Written by Matt Fraction, with art by Mark Buckingham, the Fantastic Four: First Steps one-shot is scheduled to land in stores on July 2, just ahead of the film's opening.

The suggestion from Marvel's publicity is this could actually be an in-universe artifact, released to celebrate the Fantastic Four's fourth anniversary "in our world", produced in partnership with the Future Foundation and recounting the early adventures of the team (the Phil Noto cover art is an obvious homage to the iconic first issue of the Fantastic Four from 1961).

TALES FROM THE VAULT: Marvel Team-Up #127 (1983)

There's a strong suggestion in Marvel Team-Up #127 that this is the first time Spider-Man has encountered the enigmatic Watcher. Not only does Peter Parker not recognise Uatu, but he doesn't know his name or understand The Watcher's enigmatic modus operandi.

To be honest, Small Miracles isn't a great story, scripted by JM DeMatteis and drawn by Kerry Sammill, but it's odd enough to merit inspection.

While a Christmas-themed tale, it's certainly no Christmas Carol or It's A Wonderful Life.

That said, although it might not tie-up all its loose-ends, it stands as a festive reminder of when comic book stories were 'one-and-done', a single story in a single issue, with none of this 'writing for the trades' padding plots that should have been wrapped in 20 or so pages out to four or six issues.

Throughout this story, Spider-Man essentially acts as The Watcher's sock puppet, being led - almost by the nose - from point A to point B, with only the semblance of free will.

It's Christmas Eve and Peter has dropped in on Aunt May and her wheelchair-bound fiancé Nathan Lubensky, and their friends, for some seasonal celebrations.

Unfortunately, the usually jovial Mr Chekov is rather down as his granddaughter, Bette, hasn't put in an appearance. Her parents were killed in a plane-crash, as were Peter's (although, sadly, nothing is made of this, or a subsequent 'fllashback'-potential moment towards the end of the story), and she has become distant with her grandfather.

Peter tries to be positive, but then his spider-senses go off and he races outside into a snowstorm.

Suddenly he is wearing his costume and standing before him  is the taciturn, bald giant, Uatu The Watcher, offering him a spherical jewel... in which is an image of Bette Chekov.

Spider-Man has the sudden feeling that he is supposed to find her, but no idea of how.

Eventually he resorts to "directory assistance" (remember that, kiddies?), which sends him to an address in Brooklyn Heights.

Arriving there, Spidey discovers the police and ambulance service removing the dead body of Bette's flatmate. A very Sgt Bullock-like detective tells Spider-Man that there was "a few thousand bucks worth of cocaine" in the apartment.

Spider-Man still has no clue where to find Bette, or any idea of what she is tangled up in, and just as he's losing his usual confidence, he bumps into Captain America on a rooftop:

Cap gives him a good, morale-boosting, talking-to and once Spidey's bucked his ideas up, Uatu beams him another clue through the magical ball, sending him to a dive bar called Jimmy's Corner.

After rousting the patrons of the bar uncovers no leads, Spidey overhears a couple arguing in an apartment above Jimmy's Corner, and realises it's Bette and a thug called Buck Todd.

Buck had stolen the cocaine from The Mob, and the gangsters had come looking for it, killing Bette's flatmate and trailing Bette to Buck's place.

There's a big showdown, during which Bette appears to be fatally shot while fleeing. Spidey is heart-broken - no doubt having Gwen Stacy/Uncle Ben-level flashbacks - until The Watcher appears... and "tricks" Spidey into putting things right:

It turns out that every Christmas Eve, Uatu allows himself to help humanity ("One night to be... as a brother to them") in ways his fellow Watchers might deem insignificant and beneath their notice.

In this case, he was steering Spider-Man to help Bette Chekov escape the life she had stumbled into and return to the loving bosom of her family.

Small Miracles leaves us with plenty of unanswered questions. For instance, the pivotal cocaine theft, and Bette's involvement with it, isn't clearly spelled out (What's her connection to Buck? Were they planning to sell it on or snort it? Was this lack of judgement on Bette's behalf a result of the death of her parents?).

And while Uatu's involvement in the plot takes enigmatic to a whole new level, it makes me miss the character's iconic role in the Marvel Universe.

Hopefully with his key role in the recent Disney Plus series What If...? this means the character will be restored him to his rightful place... in the 'Blue Area', on the dark side of The Moon, looking out for us all down here on planet Earth.

"Twenty Years of Tim" aka "Tim Day" aka "#TimFest"

This weekend we threw a party to mark the 20th anniversary of my life-changing aortic aneurysm, or more accurately to celebrate the extra 20 years (so far) that I have had since the National Health Service (NHS) saved my life.

Much to Rachel's surprise, it was actually my idea to host this event (I am, if you didn't already know, notoriously anti-social). I'd seen that 'new' Doctor Who was 20 years old this year and I realised that my brush with death had come several episodes into the regenerated show's first season.

Up until this year, I have been very nervous - almost superstitious - about even knowing we'd reached another anniversary and I never wanted to know the exact date or too many details of the circumstances (beyond the obvious facts that I had suffered a dissecting aortic aneurysm and then a stroke on the operating table).

But, this year, I finally accepted that two decades was far enough removed from the original, awful, event that maybe it was time to invite friends and family round to share a few drinks, have some nice food, and - at Rachel's suggestion - even raise a bit of money for the Aortic Dissection Awareness charity.

While Rachel - who actually organised the whole shindig, invited the guests, prepared the food, decorated the house etc - called the event "20 Years of Tim", others were calling it "Tim Day" and even "TimFest". 

I'll confess while it was immensely flattering to have all these people turn up to celebrate "me", it was also incredibly overwhelming and every so often I had to find a few calming minutes of quiet solitude with Alice and Obi (my two favouritest dogs in the whole, wide world).

Poor Alice, who is dealing with her own medical issues, seemed rather out of sorts as well, with so many people in "her space", that she didn't even engage in her usual rough and tumble with Obi (she's renowned for bullying him mercilessly, despite being a fraction of his size!).

I was quite gobsmacked by how much Acrobatic Flea (my signature character from our old games of Villains & Vigilantes) branding there was for the day - from the lovely T-shirt that Rachel's parents had made for me to the cup cakes created by the wonderful baker over the road from us.

Just before the group photograph was taken, Rachel gave a short, tearful, speech about how brilliant everyone had been in the wake of my sudden hospitalisation - from the amazing doctors and nurses of the NHS to all our friends who had pitched in to help us get through this. It even got to me, despite having already heard a dry run the night before, and a good number of other attendees. 

On the food table was a small framed poster with a QR code that people could scan, if they wished to, to make a charitable donation to Aortic Dissection Awareness.  

There was light-hearted talk about making Tim Day an annual event, which I did relay to Rachel, but I think one social event in 20 years is probably quite enough.

Top Dogs: Obi, the visitor (front), and our beloved Alice.

FAMILY PORTRAIT: Me, Rachel (holding Alice) and Rachel's parents

There were even garden games available for the young - and young-at-heart

EX-CUPCAKE! We're lucky to have a gifted cake maker live across the road from us

Excuse me, there's a Flea on my cupcake!

A mere fraction of the food and drink Rachel provided on the day

While the event was never intended as a "gift giving" day I was stunned
by the unexpected gifts I was given.

HAPPY ALIEN DAY (To Those Who Celebrate)!!!