Words To Live By?

Conan & Dragonero #3 (Titan Comics)

In this month's issue of the non-canonical crossover comic, Conan & Dragonero, our Cimmerian protagonist delivered a throwaway, mid-combat, line that rather caught me by surprise.

"I don't worry about anything until it happens".

I am, by no stretch, a Robert E Howard scholar or expert on his most famous creation, but I guess this has always been Conan's philosophy - even though I don't recall him specifically spelling it out like that.

Perhaps, in all my years of consuming the adventures of Conan The Barbarian in various media, I've never really given this much serious thought.

To be honest, I'm not one hundred percent sure that this statement is a sensible approach to life as, taken at face value, surely that means a total absence of forward planning... and yet Conan is a master of the cunning trick and unpredictable battle strategies.

However, though the lens of stoicism, he is right. Only worry about things within your control. 

There's no point worrying about the possibility of wild wyverns slashing the balloon of your airship and sending you plummeting to the ground... because that's out of your control. 

Fighting the monsters that are in front of you, though, is within your control.

I wish I could adopt this mindset.

I've always been quite an anxious person, but since the sudden aortic aneurysm that struck me down out of the blue a couple of decades ago (and the stroke I suffered during the emergency, life-saving surgery), my PTSD-fuelled anxiety and general nervousness has gone through the roof.

Things that used to bug me or worry me can now reduce me to a blubbering wreck.

But these are - nearly always - things that are out of my control.

I'd love to have a modicum of Conan's stoicism. I shall endeavour, next time an appropriate situation arises, to tell myself "not to worry about anything until it happens".

This reminds of another phrase I heard last year that I try to put into use when I can.

In the brutal Netflix Western serial, American Primeval, Taylor Kitsch's character tells a kid with a broken arm: "It's only pain."

A simple, little phrase, but one I now repeat to myself when I'm going to the doctor's or the hospital for a procedure that involves sticking needles into my tiny, elusive veins.

I still hate it, it doesn't stop me screaming out or crushing Rachel's hand, but - at the end of the day - it is "only pain". It's not going to kill me, and it will pass.

So, who still thinks that comic books and television aren't good for you?

"She Has Come To Do You Some Evil"

With only two episodes left in this season of House of The Dragon, tensions continue to ratchet up as plans unfold within plans and the Rightful Queen's hold on the Iron Throne is looking a bit shaky.

Up top we have a trailer for the penultimate episode of this season, while down below are spoilerific, behind-the-scenes features on this week's episode:

Prisoners Of The Lost Universe (1983)

Three years after creating the most Dungeons & Dragons film of all time (Hawk The Slayer) Terry Marcel and Harry Robertson reunited to try and recapture that 'lightning in a bottle' magic with Prisoners Of The Lost Universe.

The chances are your impression of their success can be gauged against how well you feel George Lucas recaptured the magic of the original Star Wars trilogy in the Ewok movies.

Even bringing back Peter O'Farrell and Ray Charleson in essentially the same roles as they had in Hawk, a roguish dwarf and a gifted elfin creature, doesn't really help.

TV presenter Carrie Madison (Kay Lenz, best known as Thursday from the classic western The Great Scout & Cathouse Thursday) and handyman Dan (Richard Hatch aka Captain Apollo from the original Battlestar Galactica) find themselves shunted from our world to the primitive parallel world of Vonya. There the warlord, Kleel (a slumming-it John Saxon) is using his stash of Earth weaponry to maintain a brutal grip on the nomadic locals.

Kleel takes a shine to Carrie (because of her blonde hair and feisty nature) and it's up to Dan and the adventuring party he soon gathers (an elf, a dwarf, and a giant... sound familiar?) to rescue her.

As with Hawk, there's a strong whiff of Dungeons & Dragons in Prisoners Of The Lost Universe, with its abundance of random encounters.

But the cheesy monsters our heroes cross swords with are more reminiscent of the Italian low-budget sword-and-sandals fare such as the Hercules movies, Conquest etc that were being made around the same time.

Unfortunately for gamers - and neutral observers - all the humanoid monsters met are simply interchangeable, disposable goons in different costumes with no discernible differences in their abilities beyond their different outfits (be they midgets with glowing eyes, subterranean cloaked critters, or the Jason Voorhees-like waterbeast).

If Hawk The Slayer was Marcel and Robertson's Robert E Howard, then Prisoners Of The Lost Universe is their Edgar Rice Burroughs.

Despite the '80s opening on Earth and the presence of firearms, the sci-fi vibe that's suggested by the film's advertising (see poster/DVD cover above) is largely trampled by the fantasy elements, giving the film a micro-budget sword-and-planet John Carter of Mars flavour more than anything else.

Although Dan The Handyman is no John Carter!

On top of clunky dialogue and bargain basement effects, there's also a quite heavy-handed attempt to force humour into the mix by injecting some odd, comedy sound effects, which are totally cringe-worthy.

Trying too hard to lean into "camp charm", when such elements should be allowed to blossom naturally, it doesn't take long to realise why Prisoners Of The Lost Universe never gained the cult following that their earlier work did.

Reimagined Resident Evil Will Get Pulses Racing

From the mind of visionary filmmaker Zach Cregger (Weapons, Barbarian) comes a thrilling - and terrifying - reinvention of the Resident Evil franchise.

In an all-new story, Resident Evil follows Bryan (Austin Abrams), a medical courier who unwittingly finds himself in an action-packed, non-stop race for survival as one fateful, horrifying night collapses around him in chaos.

Resident Evil takes a bite out of cinema audiences from September 18. While still namechecking Raccoon City, this is clearly not your father's Resident Evil - there's no Milla Jovovich, for starters!

I suspect the saviour of Raccoon City will turn out to be Jimothy. Just putting it out there.

Keep Calm And Carrie On

She just wanted a friend. They gave her a fight. All episodes of Carrie, a new series from Mike Flanagan, premiere on October 7 on Prime Video.

Mordenkainen Headlines New Dungeons & Dragons Comic

Main cover art by Esad Ribić

Gary Gygax's wizard Mordenkainen stars in a new ongoing Dungeons & Dragons comic coming from Dark Horse in November.

Powerless in the face of a draconic apocalypse, the story follows:

"... Mad Mage Mordenkainen as he assembles Faerûn’s most legendary heroes, including Volo, Tasha, and more fan-favourite adventurers, for a high-fantasy epic that spans the Forgotten Realms!"

Each issue will also include roleplaying-themed backmatter penned by RPG "personalities" or D&D gaming material.

Issue one will feature an essay by Erika Ishii, voice actor and actual play participant in the YouTube show Dimension 20.

The Dungeons & Dragons series will be written by Eisner-nominated creators Jackson Lanzing and Collin Kelly (Star Trek: The Last Starship, Captain America, NYX), penciled by Ibraim Roberson (Star Wars, Weapon X, Thor Annual 2023), inked by Arabson Oliveira, coloured by Dan Brown, and lettered by Haley Rose-Lyon.

Issue one variant cover gallery:

MUSICAL MONDAY: Oi AG! (Atarashii Gakko!)

Oi AG!, the latest release from the peerless Atarashii Gakko! It's also the opening track on the band's new album, From Tokyo With Love.

A Good Soul In A Bad Place

Main cover art for issue one by Tyler Crook

It feels like recently I've been focusing on comics that put All-American nice guy Archie Andrews through the wringer, but tonight's announcement takes the biscuit: Archie is going to Hell!

A collab between Oni Press and Archie Comics, the first issue of the new ongoing title Archie in Hell is due to be summoned in November.

Written by Beneath the Trees Where Nobody Sees' Patrick Horvath, with art from Harrow County's Tyler Crook, this series weaves "a blood-stained trail from Riverdale’s dark colonial past to its all-too-sunny streets in the modern day!"

I'm a sucker for Archie's horror tales, and Archie Goes To Hell sounds like it has great possibilities (and not just because it features Sabrina and Salem!).

They say that every small town has a secret.

Well, in the case of Riverdale, it’s one heck of a humdinger: An ancient order of cultists has infiltrated its townspeople, bent on using human sacrifice to usher a demon lord into our mortal plane. And they’ve finally identified the final target they need to bring a century’s worth of planning to fruition: hometown football champion and all-around good guy Archie Andrews.

But this secret cabal never dreamed that actual witches walk Riverdale’s streets... and when cult and coven clash in the final stages of Archie’s secret ritual sacrifice, the consequences will be cosmic... and young Archie Andrews will find himself damned to something far worse than Hell’s inner circle.

Unstuck from time and space. Bound to a terrible curse. Late for school.

Things are about to go from bad to downright diabolical as Horvath and Crook unleash Archie in Hell #1, the most malevolent and merciless Archie Comics tale ever told... and, truly, you’ll never ever expect what happens next!

Here's a preview of pages from the first issue:

Apple TV Is The Place For Top Quality Sci-Fi

Callum Turner stars in the cyberpunk series adapted from William Gibson's genre-defining 1984 novel. Streaming on Apple TV on January 22.

Based on the best-selling novel by Blake Crouch, Dark Matter is a story of the road not taken. In season one, the series followed Jason Dessen (Joel Edgerton), a physicist, professor and family man who — one night while walking home on the streets of Chicago — is abducted into an alternate version of his life.

Wonder quickly turns to nightmare when he tries to return to his reality amid the mind-bending landscape of lives he could have lived.

Season two picks up with the Dessens as they settle into a quiet life in a world that finally seems safe until the unimaginable forces them to run once again.

Dark Matter Season 2 — August 28 on Apple TV.