The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It (2021)

It's 1981, Brookfield, Connecticut, and the Warrens - Ed (Patrick Wilson) and Lorraine (Vera Farmiga) - are attending the violent exorcism of eight-year-old David Glatzel (Julian Hilliard), who has seemingly been possessed by a demonic waterbed (I kid you not).

In the process, Ed suffers a heart attack as he sees the entity jump into Arne Johnson (Ruairi O'Connor), the boyfriend of David's older sister, Debbie (Sarah Catherine Hook).

A month later, Ed wakes up in hospital, croaking out to Lorraine that he saw Arne get taken over.

Unfortunately, just as this is going on, Arne is in the process of stabbing to death his drunk landlord Bruno Sauls (Ronnie Gene Blevins) then wandering off in a trance.

Arne is arrested and charged with murder, however Ed and Lorraine are determined to prove to the court, in his defence, that Arne was "demonically possessed".

This sets in motion a supernatural procedural, where Ed and Lorraine head round the country, following clues to prove their claims.

Having found a "Satanic totem" under the Glatzel's house, Ed and Lorraine are directed to a retired priest, Kastner (Fringe's ever-wonderful John Noble), who believes the totem was deliberately placed there by the Disciples of The Ram cult (which also has connections to the Annabelle doll, although sadly this wasn't explored) to sow chaos.

The Warrens also note similarities between their "case" and that of a murdered girl and her missing friend in Danvers, Massachusetts. Lorraine manages to crack the case wide open for the sceptical police with her "mystical abilities", earning the trust of Sergeant Clay (Keith Arthur Bolden), who grants them access to the official files on the murder.

This sends them deeper into supernatural territory and the couple's first encounter with the all-too-human, chaotic evil Satanist called The Occultist (Eugenie Bondurant).

I like that scriptwriter David Leslie Johnson-McGoldrick was trying something different with The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It, rather than the expected haunted house horror of the previous two chapters in this franchise.

However, I don't feel it worked as well. While overall the film was a fun horror flick, the trail of mystical clues seemed a bit preposterous and Lorraine's supernatural abilities rather fortuitous and fool proof.

Part of my problem with this movie, unfortunately, comes down to my continued distain for the fact that real-life snake oil salesmen are being sold to a gullible public as genuine paranormal superheroes.

The first act of The Devil Made Me Do It appears to stick closest to the reality of events (with added demons and magic, of course), but the rest is just Hollywood bullshit.

In the real world the judge very promptly threw out the whole "the devil made me do it" defence by Arne's lawyer, as it had no grounding in law and was unprovable.

As acknowledged briefly at the end of the film, Arne was sentenced to 10–20 years in prison for first-degree manslaughter (of which he served about five years).

It's a pity more of the movie didn't focus on the proceedings of the case - but then facts would have got in the way of a good story.

Of course, that didn't stop a certain pair of publicity hounds cashing in on all this nationwide news coverage, eventually writing a book about the case.

I'm sure that's what put me off watching this most recent entry in the Warren strand of The Conjuring Universe for so long.

Just because a film says it's "based on true events" doesn't mean it's true. For instance, just because it depicts an exorcism that really took place doesn't mean demons, ghosts, black magic et al actually exist.

As charismatic as Wilson and Farmiga are as the Warrens, I can't help but feel, personally, that I'd enjoy these particular tales with wholly fictional participants, so the clash of crass reality and glossy fantasy wasn't so distracting.

All that aside, like other entries in the Conjuring Universe, The Devil Made Me Do It is really well-made and, under the steady hand of director Michael Chaves, it rattles through its 112-minute runtime without any bloat.

Emerald Gordon Wulf: Now this is real!

The unsung hero, though, of The Devil Made Me Do It is the incredible contortionist Emerald Gordon Wulf, who doubled for David Glatzel during the exorcism scene and pulled off some unbelievably terrifying physical twists and turns that should have won her an Oscar for those moments alone.

These physical portrayals of the horrors of demonic possession - rather than using elastic CGI - make those scenes so much more impactful and were certainly the stand-out action beats of the movie.

By the look of things, the next - and final - Warren-centric Conjuring film (Last Rites) is reverting to the more traditional haunted house format, as the self-proclaimed "demonologists" take on the Smurl haunting.

So, that's good news.

The Conjuring 2 (2016)

One of the things I appreciated about The Conjuring is that it relies almost as much on building atmosphere and tension as it does on cheap jump scares.

And The Conjuring 2 sticks to that formula very successfully.

Even with its two hour and 14 minute duration (about a half hour longer than the original) it surprisingly never outstays its welcome.

And is, perhaps, even better than the first movie as it's more willing to embrace its cinematic nature and have fun with what that offers.

By shoehorning the '70s demonologist Warrens into a "real life" hoax that, at best, they were only actually peripherally involved with, has allowed director James Wan and his co-writers Chad Hayes, Carey W. Hayes, and David Leslie Johnson, to go 'full Hollywood' on this one.

They even throw in some demonic entities of their own creation that proved to be suitable for spinning-off into their own movies (e.g. The Nun) as The Conjuring Universe expanded.

While simultaneously focusing on a family in Enfield, London, troubled by an entity that has possessed the youngest daughter, Janet (Madison Wolfe), The Conjuring 2 also follows would-be ghostbusters Lorraine (Vera Farmiga) and Ed Warren (Patrick Wilson) as they come off the back of investigating the legendary Amityville haunting (which introduces the figure of The Nun, portrayed by Bonnie Aarons, into the movie's mythology).

A vision of Ed's impending death convinces Lorraine that they should give up this life of theirs, and they appear to be entertaining that thought until they're called in by the Catholic church to investigate the haunting in Enfield.

Dipping into the same catalogue of clichés as The Conjuring, The Conjuring 2 is essentially telling a very, very, very similar - if not identical story - with spirits targeting children, sleepwalking, creaking doors, inanimate objects moving and behaving strangely, thumping and banging sounds, mysterious injuries, spooky images in reflective surfaces etc

However, there's an extra layer to this sequel that adds a depth to the simplistic storytelling, spinning a visually-engaging demon-fighting story out of a piece of fiction that has been sold as fact to gullible souls.

Having that element of "based on a true story" (even if that so-called true story was make-believe) certainly adds a frisson of extra chills to The Conjuring films, but there's also no sense that the filmmakers feel bound by this here as it goes way-beyond the documented allegations, almost into Poltergeist territory.

Ultimately, if anything, like the original movie, this portrayal of the Warrens as 'soldiers of God' reminds me more of the Winchester family in Supernatural than anything else.

But that's not a bad thing. I'm still enjoying Supernatural after 13 seasons, I'm positive I could enjoy plenty more on-screen adventures for the Warrens.

The Conjuring (2013)

As promised, I have begun my trawl through the murky world of The Conjuring Universe, kicking off with the titular movie that started it all back in 2013.

Showcasing what it is claimed to be the most shocking case investigated by professional 'demonologists' Lorraine (Vera Farmiga) and Ed Warren (Patrick Wilson), The Conjuring focuses primarily on a working class family, the Perrons, who invest all their money in a dream house in the country only to find they are sharing it with a malevolent demonic entity.

It's all very formulaic stuff (supernatural shit happens to family, family suffers, family calls in experts, supernatural shit escalates, experts drive it out at the last moment) that we've seen a million times before, from The Haunting to Poltergeist and beyond.

The set-up is little different to the many variations on the tired Amityville story and any number of other 'haunted house' tales that don't make bogus claims of being based on "real events".

That said, The Conjuring is very well made (and gets very LOUD during it climactic demonic confrontation), has charismatic leads in Wilson and Bates Motel's Farmiga, and is already laying the groundwork for a wider "universe" by the very nature of its main characters having a plentiful casebook of adventures to explore.

Being set in the '70s gives The Conjuring a nice period feel as well, and the roleplayers among us appreciate the Warrens methodical approach to their job, coming as it does straight out of the Call Of Cthulhu playbook.

But what really makes this an interesting movie is the sequence where the demonic force the Warrens are facing in the Perron's house uses a connection to Lorraine to 'activate' a totally unrelated entity back in the Warren's home - in their room of artefacts - the infamous Annabelle doll (whose story helps establish the Warren's bona fides at the start of The Conjuring).

In truth, this sub-plot has almost no bearing whatsoever on the main narrative, but provides a unique distraction the like of which I don't recall seeing in previous genre pieces of this ilk.

While the real Warrens were charlatans and con artists (or worst), the fictional Ed and Lorraine, because they exist in a cinematic universe where demons, ghosts, black magic etc are real, are true defenders of humanity worthy of joining the ranks of comic books' John Constantine and TV's Winchester brothers (from Supernatural).

I'd give The Conjuring a solid seven out of ten. It's not original by any stretch of the imagination, but it has some interesting moments, and by taking seriously the fantastical fabrications of the Warrens director James 'Aquaman' Wan and writers Chad Hayes and Carey W Hayes have tapped into a rich seam of stories and created an intriguing cinematic world that has the legs to expand beyond a single movie.

If Superheroes Can Share Universes, Why Not Horror Films?

Conjuring Universe graphic by Jarvisrama99

The idea of a "shared horror universe" may have faltered with Universal's Dark Universe, but that approached the scenario from the wrong direction (establishing that there was a 'shared universe' then expecting audiences to automatically care).

The Conjuring franchise, on the other hand, popped out sequels, prequels, and spin-offs at a steady rate for several years - which people are obviously grokking - so confirming a "shared universe" was the next logical step.

I'll confess that for the longest time I'd never given them the time of day because I have problems with lauding real-life charlatans (Ed and Lorraine Warren) as 'heroes' in the fight against the (fictional) supernatural or giving credence to nonsense like the so-called Enfield Haunting.

It's one thing to enjoy the world of ghosts and ghoulies as the make-believe thrill-rides that good horror stories are, but when you start preying on the gullible and telling them this balloon juice is real then I have problems.

That's not to say I wouldn't relish really living in a world of "gods and monsters" (although I'd take "comic book superheroes" first if there's a choice), but I know they're just stories.

Mini-rant aside, this featurette promoting The Nun and - by extension - The Conjuring Universe, has actually piqued my interest in these movies, so I plan to revisit the ones I have on my shelf and give them a spin.

NB. The cinematic Warrens' arc (Phase One, to borrow MCU nomenclature?) supposedly wraps up in September's The Conjuring: Last Rites, but let's hope The Conjuring Universe continues with more monster-centric spin-offs and perhaps some new "heroes" coming to the fore. 

HEALTH UPDATE: Getting There... Slowly!

I won an official Women's Euros' ball!

In the weeks since my two days of hospital tests, my GP has done a 180 on her approach to my condition and done a magnificent job of chasing up my necessary referral.

I now have an appointment with the Orthopaedics department at the end of the month... for further examination and more tests, Rachel and I presume. Still not quite the physiotherapy we were hoping for, but I guess there's a protocol for these things.

As well as the near constant pain in my spine (and often in my legs when I try to get up or sit down), it's just frustrating and depressing not being able to do the normal things I used to do without thinking (such as reorganising a shelf, picking a book up off the floor, taking a shower, put the bins out, load the dishwasher etc).

Even my reading has been impacted. Due to the discomfort caused by any suitable reading posture (unlike TV watching in my fully-extended recliner) I've hardly read a thing. While I was at the hospital the other week I read a huge chunk of Carrie, but nothing since. I've managed a couple of chapters of the graphic novel "Did You Hear What Eddie Gein Done?".

However, the most annoying thing is that I set aside an afternoon this week to try and make a dent in my growing pile of unread comic books... and only managed two! Each one I got about half way through and had to take a nap before resuming.

On the other hand, a wonderful distraction during this period was following the Lionesses through to their second triumphant win at the Euros. Sadly, the footie fun is all over now until the next big tournament (which I guess is the World Cup in 2027, although there will be men's international football in between).

After witnessing this marvellous moment of sporting history, I was determined to win myself a Lucy Bronze England top (she's incredible, Proper English, played the entire tournament with a broken tibia). I investigated the cost of a genuine replica top... and it was £99 plus shipping!

So that was a big no, but several major companies were running competitions for serious merch. I don't usually bother with such things, but I was really hooked on the idea of that shirt (even if it wasn't actually being offered as a prize).

In the ultimate irony (given my current condition), I won an Adidas match football through an Amazon sweepstakes.

At first I thought it would make for a good joke, and anecdote, however once it arrived this week I immediately fell in love with it. Not sure where I'm going to put it (or what I'm going to do with it) but it's an undeniably cool memento of the Lionesses victory.

My prize

Meanwhile, Rachel's dad has installed a second handrail on our stairs, which is such a boon.

I can now - sometimes - use both rails to get down the stairs,  although going up the stairs is still incredibly hard. More times than not I end up either back on my arse or doing some kind of spider-walking (Linda Blair in The Exorcist-style), using whatever limbs have strength at that moment.

The new (left-hand) stair rails installed by Rachel's dad this week

The new rail is a godsend

Obviously, I hope my puny muscles will build up (through my weekly exercise class, my own exercises at home, and the general use of my walking frame) so I can master walking up and down stairs again... rather than feeling "trapped" on whichever floor I happen to be on at the moment.

Not only has Rachel invested in a walking frame for me, but also a wheelchair - of similar design to the one we initially hired, but with a separate cushion in it.

The chair means, when I can face it, I won't have to stay indoors as much I have been... and we can actually visit places.

This is what we used to go to the cinema to see Fantastic Four: First Steps. One thing we took away from that experience is that, despite ramps and wheelchair places in their auditoriums, our multiplex is not easy for wheelchair users to navigate.

The airlock doors into the screens are so heavy (and open towards you when you are going in, as do the doors to the disabled toilets) that it was nigh on impossible for Rachel to manage the door and chair-bound me simultaneously. We found ourselves relying on the kindness of strangers to hold open the doors.

If I'd had a self-propelled chair and was, somehow, there on my own, I'd never have got through any of the doorways without the assistance of random fellow cinema-goers!

Everything is moving so slowly these days... and I'm generally not a patient person (as Rachel will tell you), but thanks to my brilliant wife, her parents, and our friends we are making some kind of progress.

Posing on the stairs: this is currently about as far up as I can walk normally,
but I shall keep trying

Clint Eastwood: The Antihero Who Rewrote the West

"Howdy, folks! Welcome if you're new here or returning, ready to take a ride through the wild world of Western films? Today, we’re talking about the man with no name who redefined the genre: Clint Eastwood. From a mysterious gunslinger to a legendary director, Eastwood didn’t just star in Westerns - he reshaped them. So, grab your hat, saddle up, and let’s explore how Clint Eastwood became the ultimate Western icon."

Running Into Movie Theatres This November

In a near-future society, The Running Man is the top-rated show on television — a deadly competition where contestants, known as Runners, must survive 30 days while being hunted by professional assassins, with every move broadcast to a bloodthirsty public and each day bringing a greater cash reward.

Desperate to save his sick daughter, working-class Ben Richards (Glen Powell) is convinced by the show’s charming but ruthless producer, Dan Killian (Josh Brolin), to enter the game as a last resort.

But Ben’s defiance, instincts, and grit turn him into an unexpected fan favourite — and a threat to the entire system.

As ratings skyrocket, so does the danger, and Ben must outwit not just the Hunters, but a nation addicted to watching him fall.

Co-written and directed by Edgar 'Shaun of The Dead' Wright, and based on the novel by Stephen King (written under the pseudonym Richard Bachman), The Running Man bursts onto the big screen on November 7.

PULP PICTURE OF THE MONTH: John Carter (2012)

Andrew Stanton's take on John Carter isn't a pure adaptation of A Princess of Mars - Edgar Rice Burrough's literary launchpad for his Barsoom cycle - but a distillation of elements from the first couple of books, with some elements added or expanded and others abridged.

Nineteenth Century Southern gentleman and cavalry captain-turned-treasure hunter John Carter (Taylor Kitsch) finds himself transported to ancient Mars (or Barsoom as the natives call it) and drawn into an alien war beyond his comprehension.

A mysterious race of shape-changing beings called Therns - and represented by the coolly evil Mark Strong - are manipulating the humanoid Red Martians of the cities of Zodanga and Helium into an apocalyptic conflict.

In the meantime, Carter is captured by the Tharks, a tribe of giant, four-armed Green Martians, who have their own conflicts with the Wahoons (another tribe of Green Martians) to worry about.

While with the Tharks, Carter meets the gorgeous Helium Princess - and scientist - Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins), whose marriage to the leader of Zodanga, Sab Than (Dominic West) could spell an end to the conflict... if it wasn't a duplicitous trick to leave Helium vulnerable to invasion.

Carter, naturally, falls in love with Dejah (and vice versa), and while striving to find a way home he also aids in turning the tide of the war... by getting the Tharks involved.

The sundry machinations of various parties make for a quite complex plot, against which the love story of Carter and Dejah plays out, and if the film has a fault it's that the motivations and objectives of the Therns aren't explicitly spelled out.

However, that's a small price to pay when we are presented with some of the most exquisite world-building I've seen on screen.

Barsoom, its creatures, its landscape and language come alive at the hands of master storyteller Andrew Stanton. He manages to simultaneously re-invent Edgar Rice Burrough's 100-year-old classic for the 21st Century and lovingly pay it tribute.

Remember - if you're old enough - that feeling you felt the first time you saw Star Wars at the cinema (the original, not the prequels)? Well, brace yourself for a return performance.

This is a sweeping, epic, summer blockbuster that you actually have to pay attention to, not a popcorn slugfest like the highly enjoyable MCU but an intelligent and layered piece of pulp sci-fi.

I always had high hopes for John Carter, but the reality far exceeded my expectations. It is a truly impressive feat of film-making that deserves a far larger audience - and far more acclaim - than it got upon its release at the cinema.

Everything about it - from the nuanced performances and special effects to the breath-taking realisation of Barsoom - is pitch perfect. No-one involved with this masterful movie should be ashamed to say they had a part in bringing the iconic science-fiction character of John Carter to life.

Ignore a lot of the nonsense that has been written about this movie - and the negative reviews - and be prepared to visit another planet for the adventure of a lifetime.

I sincerely hope that - eventually - Disney gets round to making a well-deserved sequel to John Carter, but perhaps learns from its mistakes and markets it a bit more aggressively (like they did with its MCU movies) next time round.

Red Sonja: Watch Two-Minute Behind-The-Scenes Sizzle Reel

Red Sonja is in cinemas for ONE NIGHT only (August 13) before its digital/home video release in September (for the UK, anyway).

After the lengthy wait, since the movie was originally announced in 2021, this does not bode well.

The lack of publicity material (e.g. posters) and general buzz, as well as the single trailer, doesn't fill me with confidence either.